2nd Anniversary Page
June
7, 1999
You learn a lot about your friends
when you hire a deranged outcast to stalk them for a year. For instance, I
learned that my pal Lou, is afraid of deranged outcast stalkers. Isn't that
interesting?
June
14, 1999
Pressed to sum up my business
success with just two words, it would have be "valium".
June
15, 1999
I just finished one of those books
that's hard to put down, 37 Barely Legal Uses for a Jack-hammer by
Abner Feldspar. Actually, I was already aware of nos. 1-28, but those last nine
were pure genius and well worth the price of the book.
June
22, 1999
Most of the kids in the old
neighborhood referred to the flea-infested, belching, foul-mouthed,
malnourished, alcoholic elderly man who lived under the bridge as "Geezer
MacTroll". But I called him "daddy"...at least, when he wore his
kilt.
June
23, 1999
Back on the farm, mom and dad were
well known for their hospitality. Quite often folks would just show up from
nowhere for a visit. One of the first things my folks would ask our guests is
whether they'd like some homemade cheese.
Well, how could you ever pass up such an opportunity? Inevitably, they would
always give an approving nod which would quickly send mom and dad to the
basement where they made the cheese
by hand. Months later, they'd stammer up the stairs with a fresh wheel of gouda
or sometimes provolone only to find that the guest had already left! I mean, how
rude can you get?
June
24, 1999
My fear of marmots dates back to the
late 1970's when my older brother used to throw our entire family of ferrets
into the tub while I was taking a bath. I can't say that I didn't enjoy the
tickling sensation the first few times he did it, but after a while, the bites,
bleeding, infections, and the gangrenous smell of almonds began to take their
toll. So I really don't feel as guilty about stealing his small intestines as he
slept last night. In fact, he may find it really funny that I replaced them with
a ferret.
June
25, 1999
I remember one time when I was in
the seventh grade, having to stay behind at the cafeteria for some horrible
offense. I sat alone at a round table, hearing the clang and clatter of the
employees cleaning up after the daily feeding, their friendly chatter
distracting me from my ominous sense of guilt. Then I smelled the distinct scent
of sizzling dog steaks, Great Dane, I believe, as they prepared for the next
days' lunch and... well, it really doesn't matter how I can tell the difference
between a Great Dane steak and a broasting leg of Malamute and you've made me
lose my train of thought so just forget you ever read this.
June
27, 1999
A guitar is like a woman... a very
frigid, stiff woman who adorns herself with metal wires.
June
30, 1999
It was a love story. A romance. A
tale of rapture, of delight, of ecstasy. The saga that dreams are made of. And
it all began in the Fall of '87 when I first saw Pauly Shore on an episode of
"21 Jump Street."
July 3, 1999
The world of honey mustard sauces is
a fascinating one, and, when viewed in the same proximity as a good helpin' of
chicken strips, causes me to bubble over with unabashed emotion. This Fourth of
July weekend, let us take a moment to remember the man who invented honey
mustard sauce-- Leonard Frankenheimer, of Sioux Falls. Let us also take a moment
to consider why I'm not wearing any pants.
July 4, 1999 -
Independence Day (USA)
Yes, it is Independence Day today! I
attended our city's fine fireworks display this evening, right on the river. As
I watched the bright lights, the loud music (nothing like those radio stations
that play "synchronized music" during a fireworks display), I sat in
awe, thinking about our great country, our rich heritage, and pondering the
significance of beef vegetable soup (as well as its impact upon contemporary
America). Then I got up and waited in line for over an hour for a funnel cake.
July 8, 1999
Today's cooking tip: Next time you
make cookies, replace the chocolate chips with dung beetles. Your kids will love
the crunchy goodness and your body will appreciate the extra fiber!
July 9, 1999
I remember when I was a kid, going
to my grandparents house and grandpa would sit very still in his recliner for
hours at a time. We would gather around him, watching his breathing become more
and more shallow, his eyes glazing over, a thin line of spittle gently spilling
over the edge of his lip. I can't tell you the number of times we had him on the
embalming table before he would speak up and attest to his consciousness. But
can you really blame our eagerness? There ain't nothing like an old-fashioned
family embalming party…
July 10, 1999
I probably would have been more
popular in high school had I not let Aunt Bertha dress me.
July 16, 1999
It's Friday. I just had a coworker
stop by my office, see the TWO empty pop cans on my desk and warn me that I
should throw those away before the weekend so that we don't get ants. Aside from
the fact that my cubicle is in the middle of the third floor of a concrete
building, I would have thought this employee would have been more concerned
about the hazard presented by my extensive collection of severed heads.
July 19, 1999
You know it's going to be a good
week when a coworker spontaneously combusts outside your office... and you have
marshmallows!
July 23, 1999
More than likely, you've found
yourself in the spice isle of your local grocery store wondering exactly what
the contents of "Crab Boil" is. For me, it was just yesterday, around
three in the morning. I stood there for perhaps 15 minutes consuming five
bottles until I realized that it was NOT, I repeat NOT, paprika. So, all is well
with the world.
July 25, 1999
Quick piece of trivia: 3.8 percent
of the United States is officially designated as "wilderness."
Although most experts agree that these numbers do not include my bathroom.
July 30, 1999
The vending machine now has bags of
chips that proclaim that they are "NATURALLY BAKED!" This is quite a
relief for my co-workers and myself who never felt completely comfortable eating
the old brand that had been baked in the warm, comforting glow of toxic waste.
August 2, 1999
For years, my parents used to give
me little treats they called, "crispy bits of sunshine". They were
crunchy and tasty--sort of like jerky with a little kick. Just a few months ago
I made the connection that this occurred right around the time that our cat,
"Sunshine" stayed out in the heat too long. I wonder whatever became
of her. Man, that sure was good jerky.
August 3, 1999
I spent the weekend up in Chicago
for my older brother's wedding. As the "Best Man," it was my duty to
hold on to the ring, make sure he made it to the wedding, give a sentimental
speech at the snazzy reception they had, and provide the loving support only a
brother could. Then, of course there were other things, smaller things, that a
best man must provide-- leading everybody in a round of "Edelweiss,"
filling the champagne bottles with Drano, and launching myself from a chandelier
onto the cake while screaming, "This is for the Jello™-wedgie back in
kindergarten!" Sure, they were a little bit perturbed after that last part,
but I bet in ten years they'll look back and snicker. I know I will.
August 4, 1999
My environmentally conscious friends
have given me quite a few lectures on how we should respect the rights of
animals to live where they live. Well, that's all fine and good, but what am I
supposed to do about the Spotted Owl living in my microwave?
August 5, 1999
Yanni. Michael Bolton. Kenny G. What
do all these people have in common? They may not know it yet, but I have tracked
down each of them individually, approached them as they slept, and written the
words "Yo quiero Taco Bell" on their left buttocks.
August 6, 1999
My therapist has just informed me
that many of my troubles can be attributed to the fact that I was abused by
hickory sausage as a small child.
August 8, 1999
Back in high school and college, I
just loved Snapple. In fact, you might say that I was addicted. I could not get
enough of the fruity flavors of that yummy, refreshing beverage... Pink
Lemonade, Mango Madness, Kiwi Strawberry. But that was all before I found out
that Snapple is actually manufactured by passing different types of carburetor
cleaner through an emu's colon. It sure does taste good, though.
August 12, 1999
Quite often, I look into the eyes of
my little boy and see myself. No, I mean it...literally...I can see myself. He's
starting to get a little annoyed because I prefer using his eyes instead of a
mirror. Now he complains because I take him with me everywhere I go so I can
check out my appearance. It's a "win-win" situation for me because now
that I bring him with me everywhere, people think that I'm some kind of
"super dad".
August 13, 1999
Most folks don't value polish
sausage the way that I do. Sure, it makes a great meal and even works out as a
tasty treat or midnight snack. Oh, and everyone knows that it's not just for
breakfast anymore and that nothing says, "Happy Anniversary, honey"
like a pack of polish sausage. And who can forget the first time your dad shared
his polish sausage with you. But I love polish sausage. I mean I really LOVE
it...more than you morons will ever know, so just leave me alone!!!!!
August 16, 1999
Congress is currently working on
legislation to add Garden Gnomes to the major food groups.
August 18, 1999
I spent most of today cleaning my
zither. Tomorrow, I shall play my lyre and lute and there will be great joy. I
hope my co-workers don't mind.
August 19, 1999
My favorite things to watch on The
Learning Channel are the special documentaries on the mating habits of the
Yellow-Throated Warbler of southern Sri Lanka. And all the "Police
Academy" movies.
August 21, 1999
The people I am forced to deal with
each and every day at work have caused me such distress that my lymph nodes are
expanding, my pancreas are diluted, and, worst of all, my boss seems to have
died from a massive head wound, most likely caused by the bloody, oversized
toaster I have hidden under my desk.
August 22, 1999
Lately, I've taken to using
double-sided tape to apply strips of raw bacon to most of my body.
August 23, 1999
If I could choose to be any small
woodland creature, I would choose to be a crocodile. Sure, it's not your typical
"woodland creature" but you should see the look on those squirrels'
faces when I bite down on their plump, juicy, nutty-flavored bodies!
August 24, 1999
I used my first ampersand when I was
eight. This soon led to excessive semicolon use, ellipses abuse, and ultimately
every mother's worst nightmare, the tilde. After years of intense therapy, I'm
down to commas, periods, exclamation and question marks, and the occasional
quotation mark (single and double). That was five years ago but to this day,
every time I look at a parenthesis or a carot, my hands shake uncontrollably.
Kids, just say NO to punctuation!
August 25, 1999
I don't consider myself to be a
cowboy. Sure, I ride a horse and wear the hat. And, yes, my daily
responsibilities consist of herding up cows on the ranch and I have been known
to throw a lasso or two every day. But I'm just an ordinary middle-class
suburban guy deep down inside.
August 26, 1999
I was watching a popular game show
the other day. With a million dollars on the line the final contestant was stuck
on a tough question, "Veal or Colgate Tooth Paste?". That was it. The
entire question was, "Veal or Colgate Tooth Paste?" What a moron. He
answered "Colgate Tooth Paste" when everyone knows it's
"Veal". They get the stupidest people to be on those shows.
September 2,
1999
I never understood how "fire in
your belly" could be such a good thing. My guess is that a fire in any of
the major organs would be life-threatening, to say the least. Perhaps a small
brushfire in the spleen might not be so bad, or perhaps a contained wood-burning
stove in the sphincter would be great for party tricks, I dunno.
September 6,
1999
For years I have envisioned a new
economy based on rodents. Basically, the gerbil would be the universal monetary
unit and everything else would be built around it. To give you an idea of the
value, you could get a can of coke from a machine for one gerbil. Three gerbils
would get you a box of crayons or a lug nut. Also, four gerbils would be equal
to one rat. Seven and a half rats would equal a small ferret and thirty six
small ferrets would equal nine angry squirrels, etc. It's all pretty simple.
September 12,
1999
Slowly, the boy crept towards the
closed door, his every sense swimming in a slurry of elevated adrenaline levels.
His fingers tingled as he reached out for the knob, a slight spark of static
electricity jumped, anticipating the connection of his fingers to the knob.
Carefully, his warm, nervous fingers were laid upon the cook metal knob and his
grip tightened. The knob was turned, slowly so as to minimize the sound of metal
upon metal inside the old door mechanism. With his heart pounding almost audibly
within his chest so forcefully that he feared it would soon tear itself to
pieces, the boy flung the door open to find... special celebrity guest star Gary
Coleman! Hey Gary!
September 15,
1999
I'd rather be a hammer than a
nail... but most of all, I'd like to be a 5/8 inch crescent wrench.
September 16,
1999
There I was, last Saturday night,
just outside the local Sears, singing a song of sixpence when this old guy
starts laying into me for not having my pockets full of rye!
September 17,
1999
World hunger could be stopped if
only we could learn to enjoy the flesh of poodles.
September 18,
1999
The past few days I have been
afflicted by some flu or cold-like disease which has also caused my left eye to
become bloodshot. What amazes me is the fact that so many of my friends and the
people that I bump into are doctors. I have been diagnosed as having
"conjunctivitis", an "eye-cold", "pink-eye" and a
host of other ailments. So, I finally broke down and went to the doctor thinking
that I had "pink-eye" as that was the amateur diagnosis I had received
the most. My REAL doctor was able to deduce that I had a "cold" and
that the pinkness in my eye was caused by some red food coloring that had been
placed in my eye. Looking back on it, I'm almost certain that my kids did this
just the other night and that it also explained my recent bouts with
"yellow-eye", "green-eye", "blue-eye" and
"red-eye".
September 20,
1999
While playing second base in my
weekly church softball doubleheader over the weekend, I discovered that
softball, like many other sports, is really nothing more than a metaphor for our
lives--our emotional stability. How we can live our lives with an apathetic
attitude, rolling along the ground as if everything is going just fine and then
all of the sudden, someone picks you up off the ground and heaves you with
incredible speed and you smack someone right in the nose. As I lay on the
ground, slipping into a coma from the painful blow to the face, I really began
to contemplate the various mysteries of life: why is the sky blue? why do dogs
bark? and mainly, why don't I pay more attention when I'm playing second base?
September 21,
1999
I finally realized just how
effective the American advertising industry is today when fourteen crates of
Super New and Improved Nostril Cleaning Plungers arrived via UPS.
September 22,
1999
The stock that I bought in the
company that produces old episodes of "ALF" on videotape is just
getting ready to peak, I'm certain. And as soon as it does, I'll be ready to
sell, sell, sell! I'll make millions for sure.
September 24,
1999
As I sit at my desk, listening to
the constant hum of the office ventilation system, watching the messages pile up
on my voice mail and in my in-tray, I realize that I've lost my zest for life.
Oh wait, here it is, underneath the Pensky file!
September 26,
1999
The wonderful thing about worms is
the way that they taste when pureed and placed in our office coffee. Well,
actually, I'm not so sure how they taste since I've never eaten one and NEVER
drink the office coffee. But no one seems to complain about the coffee and I've
been secretly adding the worm puree for six months now.
September 27,
1999
The other night I was walking alone
in the dark when I noticed a rare phenomenon. The moon was nearly full and a
patch of dense clouds were positioned so as to cut a wedge out of the sphere
creating what astronomers call the "Pac Man™ Moon" phase. It doesn't
happen very often, but when it does, it is awe inspiring. And then I thought,
"What about the people that lived 2,000 years ago?" What did
they think about when they saw this rare astronomical wonder? There was no
Pac-Man™--not even Asteroids™, Space Invaders™ or Pong™. Man, I'll bet
that really sucked for them.
September 30,
1999
It has been said that the fastest
way to a man's heart is through his stomach. However, I'm pretty sure that a
pair of razor sharp salad tongs lodged into the chest is much faster.
October 2, 1999
If I were a dog, I bet I would be
doing a lot more defecating in public than I am now.
October 3, 1999
Bananas are tasty fruit, full of
potassium and vitamins, but they make a sorry excuse for a jackhammer.
October
4, 1999
My using nothing more than a
paperclip, three red rubber bands, some silicone-based adhesive, a live mouse,
the collective works of Jim Neighbors, and the axle of an '86 Honda Civic, I
have created a working anti-gravity machine! Well, not actually, but I managed
to avoid doing any real work for an entire afternoon!
October
5, 1999
On the Internet for the past few
weeks, we here at The Daily Journal have been participating in a fantasy
football league, in which we each get points for how well "our" NFL
players do each week. Since we are leading the way in cutting edge technology,
TDJ will soon be introducing a "fantasy life league," in which you can
own the lives of such exciting players as Fred Tackersly, an accountant from
Sioux Falls, or Gerty von Frankenheimer, a housewife from Duluth! Earn points a
variety of ways, ranging from what your players eat for breakfast, to whether or
not they arrive at work on time! And don't forget, bonus points can be earned if
your players wash their hands after urinating!
October 7, 1999
Not everyone is against you
but I've just joined the forces that are. What could I do? They offered
me free oven mitts!
October 15,
1999
Halloween is quickly approaching.
I'm trying to decide if I'm going to dress up as Austin Powers, Darth Maul, or
my Aunt Ruth. I dressed up like her last weekend and it made quite an impression
on the neighbors.
October 20,
1999
Sometimes I wish I were a
bird. If I were, I would get to fly as high and as far as I wanted. I would get
to see the world as no one else sees it. I would
be a beautiful, free, untamed creature. Of course, that's a pipe dream and
I can never be a bird, no matter how hard I try. Therefore, starting today, I
shall shoot at every bird that flies above my head, crush every egg I
come across, and smash every worm that wriggles beneath my feet. That should
make me feel better.
October
22, 1999
When I was a child, I thought like a child. When I became a man, I put
away
October
23, 1999
My, how the times have changed... many years ago, when I was in grade
October 24, 1999
|
|
Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Tom Barnhart - Breeder, Exhibotor and Judge of Fancy and Racing Pigeons....AND the next PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! Show your support by signing his guestbook today! |
October
25, 1999
Hamsters... the poor man's guinea pig.
October
30, 1999
Ever notice how the entries at the end of the
month don't seem to have the biting, cutting edge humor to which our readers
have grown accustomed? Take, for instance, this one.
November 5,
1999
Sitting on a bench by the brook, I
was brooding over my badly burnt but still buttered blueberry bagel when Bob's
brother Billy hit me in the back with a buttercup. It was at this point that I
realized alliteration was a tool of the devil. E-Mail.
November 7,
1999
There's nothing wrong with being
different. Here at my office, we encourage it. That's why I'm wearing this
thermos that's been permanently glued to my forehead. E-Mail.
November 9,
1999
In today's dog-eat-llama business
environment, there are three things that you must remember to be successful:
1. Live lobsters do not necessarily belong in your pants
2. Dancing with every person that enters your office area is not only encouraged, it's expected! Dance away you dancin' fools.
3. The more you give, the more you get (as long as you do it while other people are watching).
4. The monkeys did it. Always blame the monkeys. E-Mail.
November 14,
1999
I've been teaching my Mom a little
bit about the internet lately. I started off with the basics, like how you can
do a simple search for what you are looking for on search engines (like Google!),
and now I'm teaching her more advanced techniques, like how your computer can
make toast and catch small rodents. E-Mail.
November 15,
1999
I started out this day the way I
normally do. I got up, smeared my entire body with marmalade and hopped on the
train to go to my alien telepathy seminars I teach at Motel 6. The only thing I
forgot was that this was Monday. I go to WORK on Monday...the
office...duh!...and on Monday I'm supposed to use apple butter because my boss
likes it with his muffins. E-Mail.
November 18,
1999
Since I have young kids at home, I
have become quickly educated on the Pokemon phenomenon that is sweeping our
country. Now, for all of you parents, I have put together a quick guide to
"who's who in Pokemon".
*POKEMON - Pokemon is a little yellow guy that
likes to poke stuff. Basically, he spends most of the show poking others and
sometimes causes bodily injury.
*PIKACHU - This is the Japanese expression used
to bless someone after sneezing
*"GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL" - This
expression is the basic theme of the show. The idea is for the main characters
to catch every disease known to man. As of this entry, three of the four main
characters had successfully contracted shingles and were licking decaying
squirrels in hopes of catching rare vermin diseases. E-Mail.
November 19,
1999
Most of us naively choose to believe
that Polish Sausage was actually concocted in Poland by sausage makers and then
imported to all corners of the world. However, it's a well known fact in the
sausage biz that Polish Sausage was created by three Hungarians who were trying
to develop a novelty exploding hotdog. E-Mail.
November 21,
1999
When I was a kid, all I ever wanted
to do was play basketball. This obsession quickly consumed my life and by the
time I reached high school I was playing 6-10 hours a day. Amazingly, I never
got any better with all of the practice and was eliminated after the first cut
when I tried out for my high school team. Looking back, I think it had something
to do with the fact that I observed the "pure" or original form of the
game. I would insist on using wooden peach baskets over the new fancy
webbed-nylon "baskets" attached to a metal rim. In addition, I
preferred the traditional nine-on-nine format using a soccer ball and long gray
trousers--just like Mr. Naismith created it back in 1891. I also insisted on
swearing profusely during every second and surgically attaching live furry
rodents to my earlobes. E-Mail.
November 22,
1999
Well, the contest is over folks.
Thanks for all of your entries and we'd like to congratulate our "Write
Your Own TDJ Entry" winner, Gern Blanston from Terre Haute, Indiana. Here's
Gern's Entry...
"Hay MAN. You guys SUCK! What in the @#!! is this site anyway? Where are
the picture of the girls? Do eckspect me to actully read this stuff? It crap,
man. Why don't you make a sight with some really good pictures or
something?" E-Mail.
November 24,
1999
I'm watching the guy in the cubicle
across the hall from my pick his nose. His back is to me as he reads his
monitor, picking, picking, picking. Now his glasses are off and he is rubbing
his eyes... now his temples. Now he's removing his shirt and... wait a minute!
I'm not at work! How did I end up at a Chippendale's performance? E-Mail.
November 26,
1999
I've been very sick with the flu
this week, so I've been home from work. It has given me time to really
contemplate things, to reflect, and I've decided that being sick is a lot like
owning a ferret. Except that when you are sick, you vomit a lot and eat chicken
noodle soup, and when you own a ferret, you get hours of furry, rodent delight. E-Mail.
November
27, 1999
Back when I was in fourth
grade, I started wearing a poncho. At first, I'd just wear it outside during a
heavy rain. However, it was only a matter of weeks until I began wearing it
outside all the time. By the time I was in Junior High School, I was wearing my
poncho during class and at social events. My friends and my family warned me
that it was becoming a problem, but I couldn't see it. Soon I was wearing it
non-stop and began insisting that others wear them. Mom and dad would get pretty
upset when I would insist that house guests put on a poncho before entering our
home. There's no real punch line or meaning to any of this. It's just a peek
into the sick little world that I live in. Are you wearing your poncho? E-Mail.
November 28,
1999
Around my office, there's a lot of
"water-cooler" talk about the things going on in our organization. I
suppose that I'm just as guilty as anyone as I regularly sit by the water
cooler. Just yesterday, I told one of my co-workers about how the water we drink
is actually purified at treatment plants. Call me a gossip, but I went on and on
for hours and I think I may have offended her because she doesn't come around
the water cooler any more. In fact, since I've been sitting here every day (with
breaks for lunch, of course) no one has been coming around the cooler. I think
they are actually getting drinks from the faucet! I wonder if they are talking
about water at the faucet? I gotta get in on this! E-Mail.
November 29,
1999
Before this 1900's close out, I want
to take a few minutes to salute the guy who invented Velcro™. There have been
many inventions that have revolutionized the world (e.g. the Salad Shooter™
and The Clapper™, but we already know about the impact these technological
wonders have had on our civilization), but none have had more of an impact than
the magic that I call Velcro™. Who would have thought that two strips of
synthetic material fastened to the back of my 90-year old great-aunt Althea
would have the strength to keep her from leaving the bed. Now I have more time
for monster truck rallies and back episodes of COPS. Thank you Velcro™!!! E-Mail.