Here at The Daily Journal, we've been spewing out daily
stream of unconsciousness ramblings for a year now. So, we decided to go back and compile
some of the more amusing drivel for your reading enjoyment. Some of the selections may
have additional comments (written in orange) to give you
explanations, perspectives, hemorrhoids, etc. So, sit back (but watch that hemorrhoid),
grab an iguana or small rodent, and enjoy this special installment of The Daily Journal...
June 6, 1998
June 7, 1998
Just now, in the past few minutes, I finally got the punch line of a joke I heard
back in the fifth grade. Of course, back then I laughed, prentending I got the joke, as
did my classmates, probably including the teller of the joke (who heard it from his big
brother). And after all these years, I can say that the joke wasn't that funny.
This is the very first entry. The one
that started it all! Lloyd #1 (Jason) had the idea to spoof
some of the cruddy REAL journals that he had been reading online. Basically, if there's
something we can make fun of, we don't pass up the opportunity.
If I could be anyone in the world, I would be Miss America. Imagine all of that
good will you could share with folks all over the country. Sure, they'd be staring at my
breasts and trying to peek up my dress, but I'd still be spreading good will, and that's
all that really matters when you're Miss America like me.
Lloyd #2 (Rog) joins in
the next day with his first entry.
June 22, 1998
Imagine just for one moment that you were a tree in a rainforest. For years you
were allowed to grow and mature giving off essential nutrients to the plants and creatures
living around you. Your instincts allowed you to not only live in harmony with the beauty
of tropical nature living around you, but you magnificently contributed to a growing and
thriving ecosystem. The only problem was those stupid parrots pooping all over your
branches. "Get off of me you freaky colored song birds! Go poop on the monkeys!"
June 23, 1998
I'm back from my week-long vacation where I spent vast amounts of time watching
two slugs mate on the gray vinyl siding on my house (some fetishes just cannot be
denied!). It's frightening how easy it was to get up and switch back into the
automatic-pilot mode that allows me to shower, eat breakfast, and drive to work without
thinking. Now if only I could manage to add "get dressed" to that list, I would
have been able to enter the building...
June 28, 1998
Something about this day always brings back a funny little memory from my past.
It used to be that every Sunday daddy would take us to the trash dump to rummage about for
anything useful. Daddy would take whatever we found and turn it into a profiit. On one
occasion, he made nearly fifty cents profit on an old shoehorn ("the kind with teeth,
people should get beat up for statin' their beliefs"... but I digress). Anyway, there
was one Sunday where I was working through the northeastern corner of the dump and was
bitten by what appeared to be a nest of angry rats. The bites were severe and I lost a lot
of blood. To top it all off, I developed some sort of neurological disease from an
infection and was on bedrest for nearly a month. Come to think of it, it's not much of a
funny little memory after all.
June 31, 1998
Yesterday, a good friend of mine...
Ok, this one wasn't put here so much
for the content of the entry. We just enjoyed creating extra days in the months when it
July 1, 1998
Last night, while sitting on my front porch, munching my way through my third bag
of corn chips, I had a horrifying premonition. I will spare you the sickening details, but
rest assured that on July 15, 1998, I will spontaneously implode at 2:17 p.m. My
cubicle-neighbors will hear a slight "whompf" and, noticing a faint odor, will
deduce that I am just "offgasing" again and will simply open their
"Stick'ems" a little wider.
July 8, 1998
There's nothing all that interesting going on today. Sometimes, that's the way
our life goes. Last night at around 2 am I sat up in my bed and realized that I've done
nothing with my life. I panicked and thought about all of the plans that I had when I was
young and how I was going to make a difference. Then, I remembered that I still had at
least half a can of Easy Cheese left and some stale Ritz Crackers in the back of the car.
I'm pretty sure that I fell asleep eating them because there was a dried up line of cheese
hanging from my chin when I got to work this morning.
July 10, 1998
My back aches today. Just one of those things I guess, you know, getting older
and all. It might also because of the little fling the missuz and I had last night. She's
always been a tad on the wild side and we've never had a problem with the uneven parallel
bars before. If you ask me, I think her pregnancy has thrown off her center of gravity and
that we should stick to the pommel horse until at least the eighth month.
July 11, 1998
July 22, 1998
As I munch on this .65 oz snack size 100 Grand bar, I see on the wrapper that it
is composed of "Chewy Caramel, Milk Chocolate, Crispy Crunchies" I always
thought it was crisped rice but now I find out it is the ambiguously labeled
"crunchies". This could be toasted ants, crushed packing peanuts, or decalcified
gallstones. I know I'll never be the same.
Written by Jason, but an all-time
favorite of Rog!
Lately, I've thought a lot about eagles and how graceful they are. Yet, it's
somewhat ironic since a creature of such grace is armed with natural tools to kill and
devour prey. What a contrast! Sometimes I wish I could whoosh out of the sky, landing on
an unsuspecting rabbit while ripping out it's entrails and eating it's flesh. Something
like that would probably get me a shot at Jerry Springer.
We find joy in certain words. One of
them is "entrails". In addition, you'll find many mentionings of emus,
aardvarks, cheese, sausage and the always amusing, uvula!
July 23, 1998
I realize now that I made a grave mistake in naming my son. Perhaps I was caught
up in the frenzy of creativity, consumed by the absolute freedom I had to name some new
creation, a name that would stick for all time. What else would explain the name
"Jasper Fuelpump Apteryx Hoffman"? Sure, Fuelpump is a family name so I can
understand that, but Jasper?
July 26, 1998
My church is currently between pastors for the first time in eighteen years. The
guy who preached today did a pretty good job, although I'm not sure that colonic
irrigation is really prescribed in the book of Philemon. At least it was a refreshing
alternative to communion.
July 27, 1998
I just remembered my locker combination from my senior year in high school! Isn't
it amazing how our minds work like that? It was something like 22-something-something, I
think. Wait, I know there was a 2 in it. It may not haven 22. Man, that's amazing.
August 2, 1998
Guar gum and xantham bean gum are common ingredients in most of the ice cream
mass produced in the United States. I can remember back on the farm when gramma used to
gather up the guar gum and xantham gum from the bottoms of desks in the old school house.
She'd have it stuck all over her hands and little brother and I knew we were in for a
treat--home made ice cream!
August 5, 1998
Days like this make me think of days like the day before the third last to the
last day of the week. Which is just like Tuesdays and Wednesdays. And we all know that
Tuesdays and Wednesdays are much like Thursday, without all the glitter.
August 7, 1998
August 10, 1998
In the mid 70's there used to be this guy named Left Arm Louie who was the only
man on the planet to ever sucessfully juggle razor sharp Japanese throwing stars. He only
did it once, but it left a permanent impression on him. Plus the arm thing.
An empty teapot. Rose pedals. Twine. Fine lace. Linen. Rich Tapestries. Mrs.
Fletcher. All of these things were found in the stomach of the crocodile that got into
that old Victorian Mansion on the corner.
August 13, 1998
I think it would be funny to have one of those Bass Fishin' tournaments on The
Great Salt Lake out in Utah. I'll bet that you'd have a bunch of people sign up.
August 21, 1998
Perhaps I've been spending too much time with my dog or maybe it's just a control
thing but lately, after we are done with our evening walk, I sneak out and remark his
territory as my own. There's no feeling like knowing that you own most of the
August 22, 1998
Just for today, smile at those who scorn you, help those who hate you, and love
those who are unlovable. Then laugh at their pitiful, miserable, sorry state until your
August 23, 1998
They say no man is an island, but they've never seen Uncle Chester floating in a
August 27, 1998
I used to sit around and wonder what would happen if I swallowed one of those butane
lighters and an entire container of lighter fluid at the same time and then attempted to
manuever my stomach muscles so as to ignite the lighter (i.e. "used to" but now
I'm learning how to walk with these fancy wooden legs attached to my dangling fleshy
stumps as I pull my IV of pre-digested spaghettios behind me).
Rog has a fascination with swallowing
stuff to then manuever in his stomach. Although he's never officially tried anything like
this (as far as you know), he's been rushed to the hospital on several occasions for
severe ingrown toenail anxiety.
August 29, 1998
The weekend. Time for rest. A respite away from the storms of the work environment. And of
course, staying up past midnight to watch the neighborhood pets mate on my front lawn.
The mating of pets and other species
seems to be a common occurance of Jason. There's a good reason for all of this. But I
cannot explain until the lawsuit is settled and the movie is FINALLY released.
September 9, 1998
My daddy always used to say, "Son, if you're ever caught in the middle of a
shopping mall with a pipe bomb, half an emu, and a can of waxed beans, eat the beans
'cause they won't let you take beans into prison." He was full of wisdom like that.
September 13, 1998
By now it should be obvious that Mr. Green Jeans is not going to rise again from
the grave, so can just give up any hopes you may have about asking him to sign your tumor.
This one is funny to me, even though
I don't completely "get it". The truth is that there's probably nothing to
"get". Life can be that way sometimes....oh, and so can sausage....if you REALLY
think about it.
September 19, 1998
Last night I had the strangest dream. There was this kid in a high school class
and he was wearing a baseball cap. The teacher told him to remove his hat. "I'd
prefer to keep it on," said the youth. More sternly, the teacher warned him to remove
his hat. Reluctantly, he did so, revealing a single orange perched on his head. Gravity
soon grabbed hold of this orb and it fell to the ground. The class sat in silence for one,
maybe two seconds until another young man stood up in the back. "ORANGE!" he
cried, and the entire class made a frantic dive for the elusive fruit.
Once we write these things they take
on a mind of their own. This entry was from an actual dream of Jason, but Rog was
convinced that it was his as well.
September 29, 1998
Personally, I don't think that "Super Lucky Happy-itus" is a good name
for a deadly disease....
PATIENT: Ok doc, give it to me straight. I can
DOCTOR: Well Fred, you've got Super Lucky
PATIENT: Really? That's great! Wait until my
family hears about this!
One of mom's favorite sayings was always, "the fastest way to a man's heart
is through his stomach". Well, boy was she ever wrong when she finally cut him open.
Who's stupid idea was that, anyway?
October 6, 1998
Ok, here's a great little party trick that I'm going to pass on to all of
you...no charge! At the peak of the party, walk to the center of the most crowded room and
fake an epileptic seizure. This works best if you fill your mouth with water and
dishwashing detergent and spew it about the room while your arms and legs are flailing out
of control. When someone tries to restrain you, force them to the ground and beat them
with the heel of your shoe, demanding money for, "all of those phone taps you set up
in [party host]'s house". Trust me, this one's a hoot and you'll be the hit of the
Here's an afterthought from this
little piece of advice: DON'T TRY THIS! Scott, who would later become a writer for The
Daily Journal (TDJ), made the mistake at his brother's bachelor party and was rushed to
the psychiatric ward of a local hospital where he spent several weeks. Howerver, the
medication they put him on was the impetus for his joining the crew of TDJ in December.
October 7, 1998
The easiest way to make friends is with a pocket full of cash and guns.
October 22, 1998
my drive to work today I saw the following sign on the side of a very busy road:
CHAMPIONSHIP LLAMA SHOW!
COME SEE THE LLAMAS!!
If only I were making that up.
We never got a chance to
actually see the llamas, but it did trigger a song idea for Jason & Roger (a.k.a. The
October 23, 1998
what you will, but I am quite certain that running about nude while shooting an automatic
weapon in a crowded grocery store IS a wrong way to eat a REESE'S Peanut Butter Cup.
October 25, 1998
my grandpa was like that, not mincin' words and all. He would tell it to you straight,
just one word, maybe two, and be done with it. Some people tell me I'm just like him,
about not mincin' words. They say I just say what I mean and don't say much except what I
mean and that I get my point across with words to spare. I guess I take after my grandpa
'cause he didn't mince his words either. Some people say he and I are a lot alike.
October 27, 1998
son is nearing three and a half and I am most desireous that he begin to use the toilet.
But try as we might, he still prefers his diaper, going into near hysteria when we take
him near the toilet. The diaper bills are cutting into my LOTTO money! Yes, you could say
that I regret telling him that the toilet is a vacumous gateway to hell!
November 3, 1998
Today I saw a sunset for the first time in over a year... I mean, just sat and
really watched it. And it made me realize just how much I love mocking the people around
November 7, 1998
Sometimes things that happen in this world don't make sense to us humans. For
instance, I've spent the past ten years trying to figure out what magical forces are at
work inside my refrigerator magnets.
November 14, 1998
TODAY THE JOURNAL ASKED JAYZUN HUFFMAN ABOUT HIS "BIG PROGECT": My big
project consists of researching the reporting needs to five lines of business in regards
to quoting various types of insurance, conglomerate all that into one system, and write
about what this system should do so that we can give the report to people in programming
who will look it over and tell us how much they want to charge to program the system.
Sure, it sounds high-level and that is the problem. It is well above my current
skill/experience level but it fell to me regardless. I do plan to ask the programmers to
put in a version of Dig Dug that only I can play. Otherwise, I spent the rest of my time
trying to devise way to smuggle out office supplies.
This is actually something adapted
from one of our old web sites..."Fudd Boys Domicile" (R.I.P.).
November 15, 1998
THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD!
I've never been big on the "sliced bread" thing. In fact, I wish I could buy
Wonder Bread unsliced so that I could just tear it off in chunks. Furthermore, I'd like to
open up a chain of sandwich shops where we'd use chunks of bread instead of slices. The
name of it could be "The Knifeless Deli" and we'd stay true to our name by not
cutting anything with a knife. Sure, the chunky, asymetrical sandwiches, filled with messy
bits of torn-up meat and bruised vegetables would fall all over your lap, but the gimmick
would keep people coming back again and again and again. I'll make millions for sure.
Another "gem" (?) from
either Fudd Boys Domicile of GristlePop. This may also be the first known usage of the
phrase, "I'll make millions for sure." which would later become the unofficial
official motto of TDJ..."We'll make millions for sure."
November 16, 1998
I'd like to bring up yet another topic for on-line discussion, if you will--soup!
Now, as many of you already know by now, I am a great fan of soup. I usually consume soup
twice a day and occasionally as a snack. My shelves are lined with soup. I am a member of
the Soup 'O The Month Club. I belong to several social clubs devoted to the
preservation of our soup heritage. I have been known to inject soup directly into my veins
(man, you've never had "soup" until you've had a "soup rush"). If
there is soup about, I am there. This brings me to my question: In a recent add campaign,
Campbell's warns us all to "Never Underestimate the Power of Soup". To some of
you, that may seem like a pretty powerful statement, but in all of my years of
"souping" I have never underestimated the tremendous power potential of soup.
Face it, soup is lethal. To ask someone to never underestimate the power of soup is like
warning a beaver about the dangers associated with the gnawing of certain hardwood trees
(in particular, the walnut tree which can give even the toughest of beaver teeth a trip to
the dentist or emergency room). This is soup we're talking about! Soup! I have seen some
pretty scary things in my lifetime associated with soup. One boy, let's call him Mr.
Hoffman, was devastated when he underestimated the addictive power of Campbell's
Cream of Celery. Another young man, let's call him Jason H., once got carried
away with a 16 ounce can of Progresso that he purchased on sale (watch Wallmart--sometimes
they have great prices on soup). What was supposed to be an innocent evening of dancing
with elves turned into a violent elven bloodbath. Do we REALLY underestimate the power of
soup? I, for one, do not!
Rog's fascination with soup began
with this entry, which was actually an e-mail message dating back to the early 90's.
November 18, 1998
I stayed up late last night reading, "Peaceful Kingdom: Random Acts of
Kindness by Animals". I went to bed full of newfound love and appreciation for the
creatures that God allows us to share this earth with. I got up this morning and went
downstairs, but before I could turn on the light, I stepped on one of those outlet safety
covers that my cat loves to bat around. The two prongs went right into my foot, and my
goodwill toward animals went right out the window. THEN, www.snopes.com runs the legend
about people who bring back stray dogs from places like Mexico only to discover that they
are actually rats, not dogs. THEN we had a couple of good laughs about Jason's cat, String
Cheese. THEN he forwards me the football story (and no, I'm not shouting at you). But I am
more than happy to change the theme to gravy. I'll take my lumps.
A rare entry from one of our readers,
Carolyn Noyes (we miss her daily presence).
November 19, 1998
The long anticipated Frog Sale is starting this week! The Red ones are 30%
The story behind this entry has to do with a
test e-mail message that was mysteriously sent to Jason. It took us a while to figure out
where it came from. The message has become legendary. However, the originator of the
message was last seen wandering about a mall in northeastern Indiana with a half-eaten bag
ANOTHER READER KNOWS HOW TO WRITE (truly amazing!):
Just recently discovered the reason why we sneeze sometimes. Did you ever notice that
along the middle division of your nose (septum) it is relatively flat? Somehow boogers
that form on this flat plane are what we call "disc boogers". That is - they are
roundish, thin, fairly flat and usually harder than the average juicy booger from the
middle of your nose. When these "disc boogers" dislodge and start to orient
themselves sideways................BAM!! You sneeze like crazy. It's as simple as that.
It takes truly astute people,
willing to go the extra mile, to figure out the REAL mysteries of life. Such was the case
with Rog's friend Rick, who works as a microbiologist (really!).
November 22, 1998
One time as a child I can remember gazing at an apple orchard as we drove by. The
sun was setting just below the tops of the trees and with my window cracked open I could
smell the crisp apples like they were right under my nose. The red light barely pierced
through the trees creating a silhouette of leaves and apples against the autumn sky. Then,
dad flicked his cigarette butt out the window which managed to get sucked back into my
lap. The hot ash burned right through my skin and I was rushed to the emergency room. To
this day the smell of an apple pie has a one in five chance of throwing me into an
Today would be a good day to smack someone really hard. Then, look at them funny
and say, "Oh my golly. What did I just do?" Chances are that if you know the
person well enough, you'll get away with it. You can try this with a few different people
as long as they don't have a chance to talk to each other that day. But here's a hint:
don't try this stunt on the same person more than once. You're only asking for trouble.
November 26, 1998
November 28, 1998
In case you didn't figure it out, today is Turkey Day. Turkey Day always brings
back memories of...turkey...for some reason. It's a little known fact that the Pilgrims
did not actually eat turkey on the first Thanksgiving. Instead, they ordered out for
Chinese food. I think they had General Tsau's Chicken.
The technicians that work here at The Journal, Inc. have been testing our site
for Y2K problems. Rest assured, when January 1, 2000 finally rolls around you can all
still read the journal, as long as you can read Mandarin Chinese.
December 3, 1998
First of all, I wanted to proclaim my love for Armor Potted Meat Food Product.
And I mean love in the Biblical sense.
December 8, 1998
I'd like to use this day to honor the stapler. Some folks believe that December
8th is the anniversary of its invention, but I know for a fact that Mr. Irving L. Stape
didn't come up with the design for this piece of Americana. The stapler was originally
conceived by Mr. Creosote, longtime rival of Mr. Stapes. Mr. Creosote also invented the
cat sponge, the beenie-weenie hairpiece, and the unforgetable toilet squeegee. All have
achieved great popularity in the Ukrane (where they celebrate Mr. Creosote day every March
3) but his inventions never caught on here in the U.S.
This entry was actually co-written by
Jason and Rog. Sure, it's nothing spectacular, but it was CO-WRITTEN...and that's unusual
December 17, 1998
I'm sick of the apathy that is running rampant in America! It's time for a
change. So Jimmy, if you're reading this, you go ahead and crack your corn. I care... We
care... America cares.
December 19, 1998
There is no "real" logic behind the poncho that I always wear. However,
it does create a certain aura about me. When the folks in the office see me getting coffee
with my poncho on, they are perhaps thinking to themselves, "There is that mysterious
wanderer who always wears the poncho. There are so many questions we have for him and yet
we are afraid to ask. The coffee must warm his soul." Either that or they just scream
out, "Hey, Poncho Freak, don't drink all the coffee like you did yesterday!"
like they always do.
If you'd like to draw a picture of
"Poncho Boy" please send it to email@example.com
December 20, 1998
If I have to choose between a society that makes a mockery of it's highest values
and one that never wavers on the essentials of decency, it usually comes down to which one
has the most cable channels.
I was just watching a stunning documentary about ham on PBS. Ham is really an
interesting meat--it intrigues me nearly as much as cotto salami, but not quite. I care
for summer sausage a great deal. I have some friends who don't eat meat. I understand why.
It is such a travesty that those animals go through such horrendous injustices. And
besides, I much prefer the flesh of young children.
Bring on "The
Boy". 'Tis the first entry of young Lloyd #3 (Scott)! Hey, this was right out of the
box, so give him a break on this first one. Once he got going, his pen (er...keyboard) was
on fire. Scott once did an entire month's worth of entries on the benefits of beef
bi-products. However, these never made it to TDJ publication.
December 24, 1998
For those buddhists in our reading audience, today is Christmas Eve. I remember
well the Christmas Eve back in '83 when my dad came home with our Christmas surprise: a
real barrel of monkies! We've never had so much fun but it took mom a month to get all the
monkey ka-ka out of the carpet.
My favorite gift from Christmas is the new DVD release of "Casablanca"
which includes behind the scenes footage and a very special Pig Latin overdubbed version.
Today is the fist day that you can OFFICIALLY "party like it's
1999". It's been a long wait Mr. "Formerly Known As", but we made it.
January 3, 1999
I was in the mood to write some poetry today, but my lizard ate my iambic
Here's "the boy" at some of his finest work, not even a
month into the job. Of course, he "peaked" here and failed to reach this point
again until after the unfortunate shower incident.
January 19, 1999
I'm not too proud to admit that I have two webbed toes on each foot and
that it was, perhaps, an unfair advantage when I challenged my great-grandpa to a swim
January 23, 1999
People that live in the past are often looked down upon, but I'm
particularly fond of them because they help me win big at the horse track.
January 24, 1999
It may seem like a waste of time to most people, but since I've been
working I have saved every paper clip ever sent to me. I label each one and file them
first by the day of the week that I receive them and then by the color of the shirt I was
wearing when it was received. If my 12 years of data is similar to other office workers
all over the world, I can tell ya that if you REALLY want to get more paper clips, wear a
green shirt to the office on Friday.
January 25, 1999
Whenever you check into a hotel room, tell the person at the front desk
that you want the "super secret government toilets". The Feds have been trying
to hide these for years, but by law, all you have to do is ask for them. Trust me, once
you use them, you'll never want to go back.
The Super Secret Government Toilets
are popping up everywhere. Go ahead and ask for them by name. You'll be glad you did.
January 28, 1999
My parents just explained to me today that velvet is not a color.
January 29, 1999
I'm working on a soft drink that finally brings together the taste of
butter and fizzy water.
What if bananas were shaped differently? Would they still be such a tasty
treat if they were neon purple squares?
I was watching a quality TV show on Comedy Central and was flipping
through the channels during a commercial when I came across this all-news channel, CNN.
What a marvelous invention. Now we can receive news as it happens, and be completely
informed! Did you know our president is in some sort of sex scandal?
If they made toothpaste in flavors like scotch, whiskey, and beer, I bet
there would be a lot more alcoholics with minty fresh breath.
Have you noticed the sun shines brighter these days and the sky is bluer?
Yep, ozone's gone and soon we will be, too!
When I was just a boy I carried a dingey blanket around with me at all
times. I called it my "binky" and the hardest thing I ever did was bury those
bodies for my bookie...but wait, that has NOTHING to do with the binky.
As I write there are two grown men on the television wearing shiney shorts
and throwing punches at one another in front of a crowd of thousands. No, it's not a show,
but they are actually on top of my TV. Technology....wow.
One time I asked my dad to explain to me how a mirror works. He summed it
up by telling me that it had something to do with gravity and that he never really loved
me and that I was adopted. To this day, I see my reflection and still wonder how it all
February 17, 1999
Every year a group of men and women actually assemble to create a list of
proposed names for the season's upcomming tropical storms and hurricanes. This year, the
following names were rejected...Clinton, Happiness and Sunshine.
As I sit in my room on this last night of a three day business trip in
Atlanta, I ponder the progress I have made, look forward to seeing my family soon, and
wonder how I'm going to get that hotel coffee maker into my suitcase.
Libraries truly amaze me. Where else can you go to get all the books,
magazines, and CDs that you need? Where else is knowledge at your fingertips? Where else
can you find homeless people picking their noses while bathing in the first floor
Many people wonder who decided this month should be shorter than all the
other ones. Many people don't realize that it was actually my Uncle Frank who came up with
the idea. But even he still gets confused on leap years.
I got a new computer at work today. It's really quite exciting for me. It
is one of those fancy, high-tech types with lots of hard drive space, all sorts of great
programs, and a huge, high-resolution monitor. My boss says that if I keep up the good
work, they'll get me a keyboard and a mouse next year, whatever that means.
March 8, 1999
I've always been attacted to women with massive mandibles. You know, with
jaws that look like they could bite through iron bars without breaking a sweat... and I
hear that Amy Grant is now available!
March 9, 1999
I've trained my son to scream the word "COLOSTOMY BAG" whenever
he sees an egg. Yes, it's going to be fun this Easter at the relatives!
March 11, 1999
Old man Tucker may be a fine old man, but he has some hygiene issues he
needs to work out.
March 19, 1999
Rememeber when I told you all that that boy on Bosom Buddies would win an
oscar some day? Well, you wait. That Peter Scolari's STILL got time to break out in a BIG
March 20, 1999
It was not without great nervousness that I told my future wife about my
peculiar sleeping requirement. She laughed, nervously, but soon stopped when she realized
that I was not joking. She married me in spite of this "handicap", choosing to
love me anyway. Now, five years into our marriage, she too is unable to grasp the sandmans
nocturnal ring without the brash, abrasive voice of Ethel Merman blaring in her ears.
March 21, 1999
For the rest of my life, the number "78" will have a strange,
erotic quality for me. You see, in the break room at work is the coffee machine. By simply
inserting thirty cents and entering in that seductive number on the keypad, you too can
have some "Hot Cocoa: Hot and Whipped"!
March 22, 1999
Can you remember the last time you went sledding? I can. I was there with
you, behind the bushes with my binoculars. I was also there with you last night when you
were with that creepy guy. He's SO wrong for you.
March 29, 1999
In many parts of the world, egg-salad is used as a caulking compound.
April 12, 1999
The other day I was informed through one of Paul Harvey's many listeners
(all geezers) that many VCR's are not Y2K compliant (i.e. ready for the year 2000). The
clocks and timers that we use to program our machines that record Bass fishing contests
and late night QVC bargains will not function correctly once we enter the year 2000. But
that didn't stop the Paul Harvey listener. Instead of buying a new VCR, he suggested that
we simply set the year on the VCR clocks to 1972, which share the exact same calendar!
Pure genious. I'm amazed that this man's VCR doesn't simply flash "12:00:00"
like most VCR's own by retired Paul Harvey listeners. However, I'm suggesting we go one
step further. I am currently drafting a letter to the executives of every major television
network insisting that they revert to their original 1972 television schedules. Finally,
returning to the hearts of Americans will be shows like "Mash", "The Bob
Newhart Show" (where he plays the shrink, not the innkeeper), "Emergency",
"The Don Rickles Show", "The Julie Andrews Hour", "The Ken Berry
'Wow' Show", "Kung Fu", "Me and the Chimp", "The New Bill
Cosby Show (where he plays the funny African American guy), "The Osmonds"
(television you KNEW Mormons could make), "The Paul Lynde Show" (when he wasn't
the center square in "Hollywood Squares"), "Sanford and Son" (by the
way, Grady appeared on a recent episode of ER), and my personal favorite: "The Swiss
Family Robinson" (they're not even Swiss, but who cares). If any of this sounds
foolish, you obviously haven't taken the time to watch "TV Land" on cable.
April 17, 1999
After over a year in development, I have successfully welded the computer
mouse with the office chair. Users can now roll their office chair over an extra-large
mouse pad to control their computer and get a full body workout in the process. I'll make
April 18, 1999
I'm making chicken tonight. No, I'm not taking a chicken from the store
and using it in a recipe. I am actually constructing a chicken from real live cells. It's
going to take me a while. Wish me luck.
April 19, 1999
Recently, I had my tonsils put back in. I had them removed when I was
five, but stored them in a jar which I managed to keep all this time. Certain advances in
medicine have now made it possible to have them reattached. The only problem is that they
are a bit smaller than I remember them and, to this day, modern medicine has still not
been able to figure out exactly what it is that they do. Therefore, the surgery was
considered "elective" and my insurance did not cover it. Oh, and I can no longer
speak and my wife is constantly complaining about my formaldehyde breath.
April 22, 1999
Remember that kid Sherman from the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show that
traveled in the "Wayback Machine" to the past? Oh, and have you noticed lately
that you don't hear from him these days? Well, I can tell you why! The little freak has
been trapped in my garage for the past four years now. His machine is broken and he's
convinced that my family is some strange Native American tribe from the 14th century.
April 25, 1999
The problem with today's youth is a lack of appreciation for sausage.
April 27, 1999
May 7, 1999
My obsession with cellos is not new, it having begun when I was but a
young child. But lately, it has taken itself to a new level as I find myself constantly on
EBay and other auctions, bidding hundred of dollars that
I do now have in the hopes that my bid will be the highest and I will finally own one of
these blessed wonders. Did I say "Cello"? I meant "womans underpants.
Here's a little something I picked up from my days in the music business.
Songs about squirrels with spastic colons RARELY, if ever, make big hits. Stick with love
and all that other crap.
May 9, 1999
I was just thinking: if I was stranded on a deserted island (first of all,
if I was there it wouldn't be deserted), what would I want to have with me? For those of
you who ponder this very question, I have come up with a list of those
"essentials," that every stranded-on-an-island person needs:
May 10, 1999
1. Biking shorts.
2. Peanut butter. Crunchy.
3. Latest issue of TV Guide.
4. Saran wrap.
5. Pumpernickel loaf.
6. A Ukulele.
7. Large supply of 3/4" lugnuts.
Feeling sick lately. Just took a large dose of foul-tasting medicine. Read
back of bottle:
"Contains: Acetaminophen, Pseudoephedrine
Hydrochloride, Dextromethorphan Hydrobromide."
May 11, 1999
Below that: "Kids will love its pleasant grape
Thanks to that wacky Noah and some of the mistakes he made with the whole
Ark deal, drunken anglers will never know the delight of reeling in a "Medium Mouth
May 12, 1999
My anniversary is quickly approaching. I think this year is my "paper"
anniversary. Or perhaps it's sandpaper. Or wallpaper. Or papier-mache. I'm really not
sure. In fact I better figure it out darn quick, so I know whether to get my wife a belt
sander or paste. Wait, now I remember. It's driftwood. Never mind.
May 14, 1999
When I was young, my father used to smear grape jelly on my knees and lock me in
the hall closet. Then he'd let our black bear loose and we would see how long it took the
bear to find where I was, break the door down, and eat the jelly. Oh, the memories. It's
time like these when I look back, smile, and really appreciate the advances made in
May 18, 1999
If I had been the czar of Russia 100 years ago, I would have made sauerkraut and
kumquats the "national foods" of Russia. And dachsunds would have been the
national pet. Also, I definitely would have made the yellow-throated warbler the
"national bird." And if anyone disagreed with my totalitarian views I'd have
May 20, 1999
If I was George Lucas, I'd have Don Knotts star in the next two "Star
Wars" prequels, because he'd make a darn good space hero.
May 23, 1999
This weekend I drove out into the country, past the suburbs, past the gas station
on every corner, past the concrete and steel. I drove until the houses were few and the
roads turned from pavement to stone. I pulled off onto a side road, more dirt and weeds
than a road, really. I got out of my car, walked along the rusty barbed-wire fence, and
sat down in the shade of an ancient Elm tree. As I looked up at the china blue sky and the
clouds lazily drifting by, I thought about what Bob Hope must look like naked. And I
smiled quietly to myself.
May 30, 1999
You know what my grandfather would be saying if he were alive today? "Help,
help, let me out of this box, let me out of this box!"
May 31, 1999
Today, we remember the men and women who have fought and died for our country,
our way of life. And we also remember that peanut butter doesn't work as a roofing
adhesive, no matter how much of it you paste on the back of a shingle.
June 2, 1999
I'll admit it, I was bored with my morning routine, bored with eating the
same breakfast every morning, but they don't call Mr. B old faithful for nothing! Yes, I
felt a bit guilty when I made the purchase at the store, but I tried not to think about
it. And so it sat, hidden in the back of the cupboard for over a week... until this
morning. It's true, I poured Aunt Jamima syrup on my pancakes and now Mrs. Butterworth is ticked!
June 3, 1999
You can't make me tell you how I got the carpet burn on my pancreas.