April 2000
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April 1, 2000
I just spread fifteen pounds of fresh gopher meat all over my chest and then put my shirt back on. I walked around the office for over an hour and no one seemed bothered by my new aroma so I guess I'm back in the IN crowd! E-Mail.

April 2, 2000
This is the first time in two months that we've had the freedom to write about anything we want (no themes). The freedom is amazing. I cannot get over it. It's like I've been elected President of the local sasquatch clan or something.  E-Mail.

April 3, 2000
Our goal here at The Daily Journal is simple: global domination, and to make millions for sure. With that in mind, your friendly TDJ writers have come up with The Daily Journal Mission Statement:

"The Daily Journal" exists to satisfy the needs and desires of our faithful following by delivering hard-hitting news, witty remarks, and thought-provoking insight. We also resolve to eat at least one bowl of beef vegetable soup per week, followed by a glass of squirrel bile. And as soon as possible, it is our goal to achieve global domination, and to make millions for sure." E-Mail.

April 4, 2000
I truly believe that if Chaka Khan was to run for political office, she could really bring the funk back into this great country of ours. E-Mail.

April 5, 2000
Thanks to the sick sense of humor of my parents, I grew up believing that the "duodenum" was a pair of blue jean wearing superhero crime fighters. Of course, I flunked biology. Do you know what that duodenum thing really is? Yuck!  E-Mail.

April 6, 2000
Most of the lice-infected dead rats that I've eaten have tasted just like bacteria-plagued roadside squirrel. I think the old saying is true that all diseased rodents taste alike. E-Mail.

April 7, 2000
As I sit here on the phone, listening to the bubba on the other end expound upon his own ignorance, I take solace in the fact that I'm wearing lederhosen. E-Mail.

April 8, 2000
Through a series of staff meetings at work, I have learned that bean curd does not work as a cat adhesive. Nor do cats react positively when spread with bean curd and strapped to the back of my computer monitor. E-Mail.

April 9, 2000
Occasionally, I compare my job to that of a professional wrestler. Except that I seldom step into a ring or wrestle anyone. That, and my real job involves quite a bit of experimentation with cat adhesive (see last entry). E-Mail.

April 10, 2000
My Mom, my Dad, my brother, and my sister-in-law were in town visiting this past weekend. I don't see them more than a few times a year, so it was nice to see the changes that people go through as they get older. For instance, my brother is now a successful checkerboard repairman, and my father recently grew a third eyebrow. E-Mail.

April 11, 2000
Through an amazing series of coincidences, I have just been crowned the Pickle Queen of Higgle Flats, Iowa! E-Mail.

April 12, 2000
My one and only regret in life is that I didn't spend enough time with my parents...and also the fact that I married a nun. E-Mail.

April 13, 2000
You don't get many second chances in life and that's why it's been so rewarding for me to be in diapers again--only this time around I can change them all by myself! E-Mail.

April 14, 2000
Growing up in Indiana, I didn't get too many chances to see movie stars. So as soon as I was able to spend a week's vacation in Hollywood, I went straight to Mr. Whipple's apartment. E-Mail.

April 15, 2000
Well, I've decided to give up my job to get back in the boxing ring. Don't get the wrong impression. I'm NOT a boxer. I just plan to get in the ring so that I can ponder my miserable excuse for a pathetic life while I inhale cartons of Whoppers™. E-Mail.

April 16, 2000
Animal psychologists have learned a great deal about bunnies over the past several years. In particular, one researcher in New Zealand has done extensive work with jackrabbits. Turns out that bunnies aren't the cute, docile creatures that we've imagined them to be. They are more prone to think of themselves as vicious hunters with an intellect superior to humans. Furthermore, they look down upon us and feel as if we're doing a horrible job with the economy. E-Mail.

April 17, 2000
I've been sitting at my desk so long that my legs fell asleep. That was about an hour ago. I started to get concerned that maybe I should get up and walk around for a bit when my buttocks went under but then the phone rang. Now my lower intestines are numb and it's heading north! E-Mail.

April 18, 2000
I've been thinking an awfully lot today about the Yellow-Throated Warbler. A fascinating bird, that Warbler. And the name, it just rings: The Yellow-Throated Warbler. I think my obsession with the Warbler dates back to my early childhood. When I was five, my family was attacked by a herd of wild Warblers. It was an ugly scene, and my mother still has the scars to prove it. Since then, I've made it a priority to educate the general public about the truth. The Warbler is a fascinating, yet very dangerous, bird. Heed my words. If you ever encounter one of these mighty Warblers in a dark alley, just back away. If you have any questions about the Yellow-Throated Warbler, check out these identification tips or e-mail us here at The Daily Journal. E-Mail.

April 19, 2000
Ira Gershwin fans--this one's for you. Remember that song "I Got Rhythm" from the musical Girl Crazy? Our crack research staff at TDJ has uncovered the original lyrics to the song before it was edited for the stage. Originally, the song was called "I Got Shingles" and dove into the depths of Gershwin's three-month battle with this irritable disease ("herpes zoster"). Here's the original first verse of the now famous tune:

April 20, 2000
Dang! What a terrible day! I woke up, worked my butt off all day long, brought home a great meal, fed the kids, cleaned up, went to bed early and was just getting surly with the wife when all of a sudden she bit my head off. Yes, despite what you've heard, being a praying mantis is NOT all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it sucks. E-Mail.

April 21, 2000
Here in Indiana, our Primary Elections are approaching. Since I've recently moved, I have been spending a lot of time getting to know the elected officials and candidates in my area. As you can see, I actually take our electoral process pretty seriously. Usually, the first thing I ask a candidate is where they stand on the issue of abortion. Then, I ask them if they support my Constitutional right to bathe with reptiles. E-Mail.

April 22, 2000
While perusing a list of state birds, I was surprised to find that the bird for New York is... the bird! Thank you, thank you ladies and gentleman. I'll be here all week. E-Mail.

April 23, 2000
I just purchased a new lawn mower and no matter how hard I try, I cannot get it to make toast.  E-Mail.

April 24, 2000
Usually, I'm not one to complain about things, but someone has to do something about these new pants that I'm wearing. It just doesn't feel like the pockets are in the right place and the thread used to sew the inseam is a shade too light. Plus, the zipper is copper colored and I like them to be more like brass. Oh, and the length is ok (I guess), but I just wish they were a tad bit longer. That's just the way it is I guess. I can't get a size 32 1/2" anywhere! To make matters worse, the salespeople in the store where I bought them didn't know anything about where the material was made and they didn't spend enough time talking to me and answering the 100 questions I usually ask about a pair of pants. I don't think they liked me very much. That store isn't all that nice anyway. It's not close enough to the main road and the price tags are too hard to read and...well, never mind. I'm not one to complain about things. E-Mail.

April 25, 2000
Today would be a good day to order Chinese food. I don't actually like Chinese food, but I do enjoy ordering it and I've found that days like today are the best days to order it. The best thing about ordering it is all the crazy names they have for it. My personal favorite is "Kung Pao Chicken" (since I don't eat it, I'm not sure what it is, but my guess is that it's some kind of pork sausage dish).  I just enjoy saying it and every time I order it, I imagine that I'm in one of those martial arts movies and that saying "Kung Pao" is what I do whenever I do my special Kung-foo kick. Man is it ever fun and that "Kung Pao" stuff flies all over the customers in the buffet line. E-Mail.

April 26, 2000
If you're like me (and the operation to correct it didn't help) you're probably still holding out for that big Sheilds and Yarnel reunion show. Remember the wacky bits they used to do on their show? They had that thing where they were like, uh, robots and they didn't talk. And then they had that other thing where they were robots and they didn't talk. I can't wait for the reuinion.  E-Mail.

April 27, 2000
As far as I'm concerned, there's not much of a difference between semi-gloss, satin, and flat interior wall paint. To me, they all taste the same. E-Mail.

April 28, 2000
After a recent trip to my local Bob Evans restaurant, I've come to the conclusion that for a good hearty breakfast, you can't beat the "Sunshine Skillet." And if you're looking for a nutritious lunch, be sure to try the new "Llama Pancreas Surprise." E-Mail.

April 29, 2000
There is no such thing as a homosexual pistachio.E-Mail.

April 30, 2000
TroutE-Mail.