April 2001
Click here for a complete listing of entrails.

April 1, 2001
I've just received a Certified letter from The Wall Street Journal ordering that we "cease and desist" our website based on their belief that they are the only dorks in the world who can use the phrase "Daily Journal" when referring to a web site. I consulted a friend of mine who happens to be an attorney and we plan on pursuing the matter. If you'd like to join our efforts (and we need whatever we can get because this is like a David & Goliath feat) please CLICK HERE! E-Mail.

April 2, 2001
The other day I had this great idea for a journal entry. I told myself that I wouldn't forget it because I didn't have access to a pencil or pen at the time. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the liquor store I was holding up at the time. We all know just how funny hold-ups can be. E-Mail.

April 3, 2001
In the year 2005, scientists from around the world will meet in Chicago and determine that weiner dog races are the cause of earthquakes. E-Mail.

April 4, 2001
I just received an e-mail offering me a free pager. Though I'm not sure if I'll accept the offer, I'm a lot more tempted than I was over the offer for a free ganglion cyst I received last week in the mail. E-Mail.

April 5, 2001
This might be the first time the word "GNU" has appeared in Das Daily Journal. As a special bonus, I'll use it again: GNU GNU GNU!E-Mail.

April 6, 2001
I'd really like to do another entry right now but I'm late for my 10:00 delousing. E-Mail.

April 7, 2001
Ballpark brand hotdogs aren't the only things that plump when you cook 'em... for instance poodles grow to twice their size in a properly preheated oven. E-Mail.

April 8, 2001
Like most Americans, I really, really love cotter pins. E-Mail.

April 9, 2001
This is actually the first time I've been able to log in to Tripod for quite some time, so it is a very special occasion. Today is also the first time that the trolls outside my bedroom window have given me a friendly wave when I leave for work in the morning, so I think we can definitely say that it has been a good day. E-Mail.

April 10, 2001
My wife and I just recently found out that we are pregnant. It's pretty big news, since traditionally, the women have the children in society. But we saved up for the operation, and now we are permanently conjoined and we can actually say that "we" are pregnant. E-Mail.

April 11, 2001
I get to leave work early today as I'm taking my oldest son to the dentist. He doesn't know it but they're secretly replacing his teeth with Folgers crystals. E-Mail.

April 12, 2001
We here at the Journal are strong advocates of Expresso Enemas and I'd like to take a break from the usual joviality to discuss the health benefits of such a procedure. That is, I would if I didn't need to go buy more coffee. E-Mail.

April 13, 2001
The rumor on the street is that the third installment of CBS's "Survivor" series will be set in an office cubicle. This was supposed to be a joke, but it seems like something they'd really do. Hmmmm.E-Mail.

April 14, 2001
The price of gasoline is soaring. The other day I paid $1.64 for a gallon of regular grade uleaded gasoline. I used to buy the more expensive premium grade until I finally realized that the bitter aftertaste of regular was easily washed down with a swig from a bottle of anti-freeze.E-Mail.

April 15, 2001
I've never been one to golf. Perhaps it has to do with my personal distaste for the materialist nature of the game. Either that or the fact that I cannot make contact with the frickin' ball no matter how fat my club is.E-Mail.

April 16, 2001
Recently unearthed, formerly confidential documents have revealed that the assassination of John F. Kennedy was linked to several large pencil manufacturers. It turns out that Kennedy was about to give a government grant to an upstart Boston-based company with plans to produce the coveted #3 pencils. Alas, the powerful pencil-makers didn't want the public to know what they were missing and JFK was simply in the way.E-Mail.

April 17, 2001
In the game of good cop/bad cop, my brothers used to always make me play confused-about-his-sexuality cop. E-Mail.

April 18, 2001
Under the new tax code, all U.S. citizens who file tax form ER-14b will receive a free Backstreet Boys poncho. E-Mail.

April 19, 2001
The next time I buy a PC from Dell, I'll definitely go with the congo drum option. E-Mail.

April 20, 2001
Rhesus monkeys do not make good Pampered Chef hostesses. E-Mail.

April 21, 2001
In August of this year, scientists will discover that Rosanne Barr is actually a cancerous growth named Willy. E-Mail.

April 22, 2001
After struggling to get my two-year old to eat, I decided to use things I know he likes. A few boogers, some masticated crayons, a handful of sand, a can of pepsi and you've got yourself one tasty stew. E-Mail.

April 23, 2001
Kids are great. They just love you no matter what. They love you when you're late getting home from work and they love you when you come home smelling like a dead pig. They're not all that fond of the dead pig, but they still love me.E-Mail.

April 24, 2001
Yesterday, my boss told the funniest story and I began to chortle uncontrollably...
BOSS: What are you doing?
ME: I'm chortling.
BOSS: What's that?
ME: Well, it's a snorting, exultant laugh or chuckle.
BOSS: I don't like it.
ME: I'm sorry. Perhaps I could simply guffaw.
BOSS: Hmmm...and what is that?
ME: It's more of a hearty, boisterous burst of laughter.
BOSS: Nope. Don't like that either. What other choices do I have?
ME: Perhaps, just a titter.
BOSS: Huh?
ME: It's a restrained, nervous laugh.
BOSS: I like the sound of that. Make a memo. There will be no "chortling" or "guffawing" from this time on--only "tittering."
ME: I'll get right on it, sir.

April 25, 2001
Cold fusion may be a great for rocket scientists and their fancy big science but it's a messy way to make sandwiches. E-Mail.

April 26, 2001
There are trolls in my pants. Right now. Three of 'em. E-Mail.

April 27, 2001
I hate to admit it, but it looks like the daily journal is running out of steam. Here it is, April 30 and I have the "responsibility" to fill in entries from April 25 through April 30, entries that even fewer readers will read because I'm writing them in sanskrit. E-Mail.

April 28, 2001
Funyons do not a good wedding present make. E-Mail.

April 29, 2001
Nipple clamps do a good wedding present make, but I wouldn't recommend them as a retirement gift. E-Mail.

April 30, 2001
Hong Kong Fooey would have been a better crime fighter had he worn pants. E-Mail.