April 2003
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April 1, 2003
One of the great joys that women miss out on is being able to watch urine shoot out of one of their your organs 3-10 times a day. It's truly magnificent
entry # 1,775

April 2, 2003
Recently, in our home, we replaced our salt shaker with Mrs. Dash® Original Blend. Then we replaced our garden hose with Mrs. Dash® Classic Italiano. But that wasn't enough! Grandpa may have been expecting a liver transplant when he went into surgery, but guess what? That's right...his corpse is now the proud recipient of a full bottle of Mrs. Dash® Minced Onion Medley.

entry # 1,776

April 3, 2003
No matter where I choose to dine, I always request that my food be placed in a brown paper bag, doused with gasoline and set on fire. If at all possible, I like for it to be flaming as it is brought to my table (or the counter, or the drive-thru window). This brings a little "pizazz" to any meal. There's just something impressive about a meal that is literally on fire as it comes to you and it makes everyone else just a little envious.
entry # 1,777

April 4, 2003
This year the youth group at church is selling candy bars to finance a missions trip. Sales are down from last year when they sold tabs of Extasy but some of the older members of the church complained. At least with the current sale membership in our "Sweatin' For Christ" aerobics class has gone up.
entry # 1,778

April 5, 2003
The worst part about taking off two days is trying to cram five days of socializing and surfing into three.
entry # 1,779

April 6, 2003
I just sent a pack of wild dingos to eat your baby.
APRIL FOOL'S!
What? That was five days ago? Memo to self: Send flowers to funeral of reader's infant.
entry # 1,780

April 7, 2003
It's time to PAR-TAY! I just upgraded to IE 6.0 and got a free waffle iron!
entry # 1,781

April 8, 2003
Have you noticed that no one uses wax-paper anymore? I can remember when my mom used to pack my dad's sandwiches in wax-paper. At some point, she made the switch to plastic wrap. I'll bet the wax-paper folks are still pretty pissed off with the plastic-wrap folks.
entry # 1,782

April 9, 2003
I've been bring home a lot of work lately. It doesn't make me too popular at home with the family or the neighbors, but they just need to understand that sometimes being a mortician is a very demanding job!
entry # 1,783

April 10, 2003
I like boots. I don't own any, but I like them. I wish that I had more boots and I wish that people would give me boots, because, as I said, I like boots. I also like meat tenderizers and products made with glucose.
entry # 1,784

April 11, 2003
April 11, 2003... and so begins my one-man attempt to recover "The Sashay" as the masculine walk the good Lord always intended it to be.
entry # 1,785

April 12, 2003
Working for a large corporation as I pretend to do, we have been asked to devise business continuity plans in case of certain catastrophic events like fire, flood, and plague. I'm currently working on a plan on how we could keep "business as usual" in the case that the world's supply of garden gnomes should come to life and begin hacking at our ankles with rusty Garden Weezuls.
entry # 1,786

April 13, 2003
My wife and I are considering home-schooling our children next year. However, because of some local bussing regulations, we may have to send one of our kids to a home on the other side of town and then educate their kids.
entry # 1,787

April 14, 2003
Let's all admit it. Regardless of your race, economic background, sexual orientation, hair color or favorite toast topping--when you blow your nose and something large dislodges, you HAVE to look into the tissue to see what it is.

entry # 1,788

April 15, 2003
I've been doing a lot of experiments in the house with livestock and fishing lures. I'm not sure what the "punch-line" of this entry should be. If you have one, e-mail it to us.
entry # 1,789

April 16, 2003
Regardless of your skill level or technique, it's just plain hard to make a comfortable seat out of a cactus.
entry # 1,790

April 17, 2003
The only thing more embarassing that peeing on yourself in the public restroom, is peeing on the guy next to you.
entry # 1,791

April 18, 2003
I have an idea for snack cakes that are flavored like your favorite trees. "Twinkie-Oak" sounds delicious! I didn't say it was a "good" idea. It's just an idea.
entry # 1,792

April 19, 2003
If you like to annoy people, go to a Star Trek convention dressed up like Mork from Ork and ask everyone questions about the rumors regarding a proposed sequal to Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.
entry # 1,793

April 20, 2003
If you like grapes and you like gravy, you'll love TDJ's new "Gravy Full 'O Grapes"--coming to a supermarket near you!
entry # 1,794

April 21, 2003
In order to spend more "quality time" with the wife. I've asked her to record the things she wants to say to me while I'm at work, so that I can listen to them on tape while I'm fishing with my buddies.
entry # 1,795

April 22, 2003
Due to my abnormally elongated earlobe, I misheard an earlier conversation with el-Roggo about his journal entries. Thus, GRAVES FULL OF GRAVY is officially MY IDEA! Don't even TRY to patent this one, Sluggo-Shuman! It's MY goldmine and I'LL MAKE MEEELLIONS FOR SURE!!!

Why be buried under six feet of clay when you can spend eternity smothered in your choice of red-eye, ham, turkey, chicken, sawmill, sausage, or classic white? Other flavors available upon request.
entry # 1,796

April 23, 2003
I suppose it's only a lesson you learn the hard way but from now on I'll always ask up from if my prospective date is in the middle of a series of sex change procedures.
entry # 1,797

April 24, 2003
I may be stupid but at least I'm not one of those guys who works with pipes and water and stuff, those, um, whatever they're called with the wrenches and the, uh... ah, forget it.
entry # 1,798

April 25, 2003
On this day in history of the year 1912, two young boys in Iowa found that if you flatulate directly into the cone of an Edison Wax Disc Recording Device that you can capture a fairly good sound. Some lessons in life are timeless.
entry # 1,799

April 26, 2003
During the time it has taken you to read this entry this read to you taken it confused thime the thyme. Sphincter?
entry # 1,800

April 27, 2003
I am sick to death of every band jumping on the latest music trend. Last week it was modern rock and this week every band in town is playing death-metal ukulele grunge. But man, do those li'l gee-tars look pretty with all those rhinestone skulls!
entry # 1,801

April 28, 2003
My great-grandpa was never a crazed, wild-eyed prospector but at least he knew how to decorate his rural cabin with the latest spring fashions from New York.
entry # 1,802

April 29, 2003
I just duct taped an albatross to my chest. According to Maxim my girlfriend/spouse/gardener will love it!
entry # 1,803

April 30, 2003
Attendance at church board meetings have skyrocketed since we decided to settle all disputes via cage matches.
entry # 1,804





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