August 1, 2002
Beef: It's slang for that grudge you hold against your ex-best friend from college for that time he shaved your head while you slept and then posted pictures all over campus of you in compromising positions with a box of ring dings. E-Mail.

August 2, 2002
There's too much sadness in this world and not enough taffy. E-Mail.

August 3, 2002
August 3, 2002 will always be memorable to be for it is that day that I finally succeeded in spackling all my pores closed. E-Mail.

August 4, 2002
Apparently there are some situations where the phrase "colostomy bag" is not funny. E-Mail.

August 5, 2002
Candy may be dandy but with six you get eggroll. E-Mail.

August 6, 2002
Yo, let's give a big "Happy B" to my little bro, Mr. Christopher Busz Hoffman! No real journal entry today... I just like to use the word "Busz". E-Mail.

August 7, 2002
I've decided that instead of killing two birds with one stone that I'm just going to get a machine gun and kill all the freakin' birds. E-Mail.

August 8, 2002
I recently opened up the cover of my "wireless" phone to discover it is full of, you guessed it, WIRES. This whole "wireless" thing is a scam. E-Mail.

August 9, 2002
After much consultation with my psychiatrist, I've decided to work on a long-neglected area of my personality and strive to become "creepy." E-Mail.

August 10, 2002
Sure, you could string up a bunch of passion fruit and drape them over your favorite jack-o-lantern, but it's still not gonna impress that woman at the BMV. E-Mail.

August 11, 2002
I've never been happier than the day my dad decided to stop dressing like Elvis and to instead dress as one of the Rockettes.. E-Mail.

August 12, 2002
It's not that I mind my new apartment being so close to the Chief Little Turtle memorial (I mean, it's kinda cool to be so close to the burial site of a historical figure) but I've only been there one month and I'm starting to get annoyed when his ghost wakes me up at 2:53 a.m. and insists that we play Parcheesie. Plus he eats all the Twizzlers and leaves the seat up. E-Mail.

August 13, 2002
Mammogram. Heh heh. E-Mail.

August 14, 2002
Today I planned on tasting red herring for the first time in my life, but a cat got my tongue. E-Mail.

August 15, 2002
MUST STAY.... AWAKE... OR... CLOWNS ... WILL EAT... ME. E-Mail.

August 16, 2002
There are probably better ways to express company pride than shaving the name of your employer into your back hair. E-Mail.

August 17, 2002
Nuu ne nuu ne nuu ne nuu. Tch, tch, tch tch, thch, tch tch tch. ISOSCELES! E-Mail.

August 18, 2002
I just realized that I have an extensive and valuable collection of numbers. E-Mail.

August 19, 2002
If I were taller than 3' 5" you bet those pants would fit! E-Mail.

August 20, 2002
Two gorillas walked into a bar and proceeded to order imported beers. When the bartended refused to serve them the first gorilla said to the second gorilla, "I guess I should have brought my ID." Then they beat the bartender to death with his own arms. E-Mail.

August 21, 2002
Once again cold medicine has robbed me of my ability to creat coherent journal entries. Of course, I'm great at slumping in my chair and staring at the monitor while small rivers of saliva cascade onto the keyboard, but not so good at writing journal entries. E-Mail.

August 22, 2002
This is a joke. E-Mail.

August 23, 2002
My keen sense of smell has evolved to a point where I can now distinguish between a large plate of fresh baked fish and Stan, my coworker in the next cubicle. E-Mail.

August 24, 2002
Keep in mind as you are reading this that there are still many small towns in this country that do not yet have small children with conjoined fetuses attached to their armpits. E-Mail.

August 25, 2002
I've been sitting here for three hours trying to come up with a journal entry and all the old standby's are failing me. Nothing seems funny. Not fish, llama, pants, soup, cheese, pinto beans, or even dryer lint. I'm just in a slump and only the tasty flesh of a small circus performer can bring me out. E-Mail.

August 26, 2002
I used to have this, um, embarassing problem but a quick and confidential visit to my family doctor fixed all that. Now with the help of viagula, I've never have a "lazy" uvula again! E-Mail.

August 27, 2002
Cold medicine, lack of sleep, and a healthy dose of caffeine make me the man I am today. E-Mail.

August 28, 2002
Who needs cherry centers when you've got nougat? E-Mail.

August 29, 2002
Who needs real journal entries when you've got nougat? E-Mail.

August 30, 2002
Little Debbie. Betty Crocker. Sara Lee. In a dirty, back-ally brawl, who would win? E-Mail.

August 31, 2002
SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!! I just discovered that I'm the reincarnation of Ethyl Merman! E-Mail.