August 1998

August 1, 1998
As it is finally August, I thought I'd let you all in on a little secret. I'm looney. Looney, I tell ya. Looney! Looney! Looney!

August 2, 1998
Guar gum and xantham bean gum are common ingredients in most of the ice cream mass produced in the United States. I can remember back on the farm when gramma used to gather up the guar gum and xantham gum from the bottoms of desks in the old school house. She'd have it stuck all over her hands and little brother and I knew we were in for a treat--home made ice cream!

August 3, 1998
When I was but a wee little lad, me mum used to take me to the police station downtown on a regular basis to be de-loused and fingerprinted. She said I needed to get used to it so that I'd be ready for the "big house" she used to call it. That mum, always good for a laugh.

August 4, 1998
Make sure you send me your VISA and/or MasterCard numbers ASAP. I'm collecting numbers for an experiment.

August 5, 1998
Days like this make me think of days like the day before the third last to the last day of the week. Which is just like Tuesdays and Wednesdays. And we all know that Tuesdays and Wednesdays are much like Thursday, without all the glitter.

August 6, 1998
This could be the day that I finally win the lottery (if I'd just buy a ticket).

August 7, 1998
In the mid 70's there used to be this guy named Left Arm Louie who was the only man on the planet to ever
successfully juggle razor sharp Japanese throwing stars. He only did it once, but it left a permanent impression on him. Plus the arm thing.

August 8, 1998
I went to my ten year high school reunion today and boy was I shocked. Everyone was married, with kids and had jobs. You know, you think you can respect people when they are in high school and then they all turn their backs on you.

August 9, 1998
We have spent a lot of time in this country preparing for certain natural disasters like hurricanes, earthquakes, forest fires and tornadoes. But someday, people are going to be taken off guard when gravity decides to reverse itself.

August 10, 1998
An empty teapot. Rose pedals. Twine. Fine lace. Linen. Rich Tapestries. Mrs. Fletcher. All of these things were found in the stomach of the crocodile that got into that old Victorian Mansion on the corner.

August 11, 1998
Tree sap is not something we think about too often. So, let's just take a few minutes to ponder. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . there.

August 12, 1998
You'd think that with science as advanced as it is today, we'd develop giant umbrellas to put over cities whenever really important outdoor car part shows are going on. To think, we can put a man on the moon. Geesh.

August 13, 1998
I think it would be funny to have one of those Bass Fishin' tournaments on The Great Salt Lake out in Utah. I'll bet that you'd have a bunch of people sign up.

August 14, 1998
If I had three wishes, and I can assure that I do not, I would wish for perfect hair, a can of soda, and a nice tie. Sure, some may say this is a waste of good wishes, but what would I get from world peace?

August 15, 1998
Once again, I am struck by the pseduo-sexual nature of Hostess items. Even the name "Hostess" tingles with escort service overtones. Is it wrong to get aroused by Twinkies, DingDongs, and Ho-Ho's?

August 16, 1998
Church today was great. We still don't have a regular pastor so instead of a sermon, we had a good old fashioned witch burning! Marshmallows never tasted so good!

August 17, 1998
Today, the president of the united states is admitting that the family jewels are, on occasion, loaned out for, um, use by others. So sign up now to have them show up at your next block party! [$10 refundable deposit payable at time of booking.]

August 18, 1998
People are stupid and so am I.

August 19, 1998
If I were a professional wrester, my name would be "Captain Crotchstink". That way, other wrestlers would just stay away from me or I'd stick my smelly butt right in their face.

August 20, 1998
Whenever I go into a store like Meijer to by a bag of bread I always come out with so much more. Last week I got a Professional Tofu Maker, 4 lawn chairs, some oatmeal and a stuffed yak. I even forget to get my bread.

August 21, 1998
Perhaps I've been spending too much time with my dog or maybe it's just a control thing but lately, after we are done with our evening walk, I sneak out and remark his territory as my own. There's no feeling like knowing that you own most of the neighborhood.

August 22, 1998
Just for today, smile at those who scorn you, help those who hate you, and love those who are unlovable. Then laugh at their pitiful, miserable, sorry state until your sides hurt.

August 23, 1998
They say no man is an island, but they've never seen Uncle Chester floating in a pool.

August 24, 1998
Here it is, late summer of 1998, and I think it is high time for a revival of the Macarena! EVERYBODY DANCE!

August 25, 1998
Like most people, I've been hearing a lot about the phenomenon of "piss shiver" on the daily news, in the newspaper, and on the Jerry Springer show. Once again, I feel outside the normal circle of life. This has never occurred to me. Should I see a doctor?

August 26, 1998
Ain't nothing like a colostomy bag to keep a body warm on these cold August nights.

August 27, 1998
I used to sit around and wonder what would happen if I swallowed one of those butane lighters and an entire container of lighter fluid at the same time and then attempted to maneuver my stomach muscles so as to ignite the lighter (i.e. "used to" but now I'm learning how to walk with these fancy wooden legs attached to my dangling fleshy stumps as I pull my IV of pre-digested spaghettios behind me).

August 28, 1998
I've been reading some non-fiction lately, "Porn Stars of the 70s: A Pictorial Guide". I must admit, I was a bit embarrassed checking it out of the library, what with it being a Beginning Reader version and all. Sure didn't have books like this when I was a kid!

August 29, 1998
The weekend. Time for rest. A respite away from the storms of the work environment. And of course, staying up past midnight to watch the neighborhood pets mate on my front lawn.

August 30, 1998
The month is nearly over, which is a good thing 'cause I'm nearly out of underwear.

August 31, 1998
If I lived in Japan, I would be considered very, very tall. But I'd still be a dork.

August 32, 1998
I cannot face September.