December 2001
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December 1, 2001
You know you're getting older when you watch reruns on Nick at Nite and you find yourself more attracted to the mom than the teen daughter. Weezy Jefferson... you are one sexy thang! E-Mail.

December 2, 2001
Today I got ridiculed in a business meeting for saying "Neiner neiner neiner." How was I to know that I was among a "Nanny nanny boo boo" crowd? E-Mail.

December 3, 2001
In an attempt to gain market shares in the lucrative S&M market, the 2002 Ford Explorers with have black leather interior, black leather exterior, and a variety of options that plug into the cigarette lighter. Buy before March 31, 2002 and receive a free set of nipple clamps at participating dealers. E-Mail.

December 4, 2001
I had a great idea this morning for a journal entry, something about a genie and a razor that never dulls... but then I remembered that I already wrote that entry last May. I've gotta lay off that Wayback Machine. E-Mail.

December 5, 2001
Rare is the modern man who realizes that the only thing in life that matters is a good, ripe kumquat. E-Mail.

December 6, 2001
I had to break the news to the kids last night that Santa won't be coming to our house this year and probably not the next. How was I to know that Santa hates being tickled? E-Mail.

December 7, 2001
I've decided that The Daily Journal is missing one key ingredient: Obscure references to "Fish" from "Barney Miller." Abe Vigoda has never seen better days. E-Mail.

December 8, 2001
As the proud parent of my first child, I've decided to quit my job, paint my feet mauve and do interpretive dance in the street. Without pants. Ah, being a parent is grand. E-Mail.

December 9, 2001
As Christmas approaches, methinks it is time to do all of my shopping online. But sadly, I just discovered that went belly up. E-Mail.

December 10, 2001
Breastfeeding is a joy that is best experienced while listening to early Bee Gees recordings. And occassionally watching MSNBC for up-to-the-minute nipple news. E-Mail.

December 11, 2001
I've decided that if, given the choice, I would compare apples and oranges. E-Mail.

December 12, 2001
I had this spectacular vision for an entry last night while I was in bed, but I didn't feel like getting up, turning on the computer, connecting to the internet, logging in, and typing the entry in. So I forgot the entry. In its place, we present the following tidbit: Did you know there is actually a variety of cheese called "Gorgonzola?" Just think about that for a minute. E-Mail.

December 13, 2001
I'm so excited about Michael Jackson's new album that I got a tattoo of the word "Oatmeal" on my left buttock. E-Mail.

December 14, 2001
Over the weekend I bought new tires for my car. Lucky for me, they came with Ferret Traction. E-Mail.

December 15, 2001
My oldest son is learning about base ten numbers and how they interrelate, which means he is always counting. Much to our chagrin, yesterday he counted dangerously high and we had to call the fire department to get him down. E-Mail.

December 16, 2001
No gift tells your kids "I love you" like a bolo tie. E-Mail.

December 17, 2001
When yer "git up an' go" has got up and went, may I respectfully request that you hanker for a hunka cheese? E-Mail.

December 18, 2001
I hate it when my wife calls me at work with bad news. Apparently the exterminator found that we have a manifestation of gerunds. E-Mail.

December 19, 2001
I just heard a movie advertised and one of the actors was promoted as "Academy Award winning..." I think that they should have to add on a disclaimer to those ads that says something like, "...but not for this picture." There should be some sort of law for that. E-Mail.

December 20, 2001
I had this real weird roommate in college named Skippy. He used to wear this Eagle Scout Shirt and Umbro shorts (one size too small) to class everyday. I'm just glad he never tried to kill me. E-Mail.

December 21, 2001
Every year throughout the Christmas season I hear the grunts of pigs in my house. The first year I searched all over but couldn't find a thing. Dad-blurned ventriloquist pigs. E-Mail.

December 22, 2001
Most people just eat oatmeal, but I've figured out a way to use it as a mortaring compound in bricklaying. I'm still working out some of the kinks--e.g. a band of small rodents can eat through the cracks in a wall in less than an hour--but it's sure to make me millions. E-Mail.

December 23, 2001
I would like to "officially" apologize for yesterday's entry about using oatmeal for mortar. Not only did it offend several members of both the Professional Masonry Association and the Prairie Oat Grower's Association, but it turns out the the entry wasn't all that funny. E-Mail.

December 24, 2001
Just when I thought there were already too many Associations, it turns out that there exists the following... The International Gay Rodeo Association , The Latvian Cooks Association and the The National Association for the Promotion of Beards in Society (NAPBIS). E-Mail.

December 25, 2001
Today is the day that we celebrate the birth of the Savior. However, most historians agree that Jesus was not born in December, but rather in the spring. Furthermore, most historians don't believe that Jesus was really the Son of God or that He died for the sins of the world and rose again three days later. However, most historians DO prefer a tasty, festive cheese ball on Christmas evening. E-Mail.

December 26, 2001
I didn't go to work today. Instead, I got into the Christmas spirit by playing video games with my kids. They really weren't all that proficient at the game we were playing, so I made them watch ME play. After a while, their constant breathing really started to annoy me so I sent them up to their rooms. At about five o'clock in the morning I put down the controller and drove off to work. I love the holidays. E-Mail.

December 27, 2001
There's an interesting sensation you get when you have a gift certificate for a particular store. You walk around the store with this incredible urge to use the gift certificate immediately--even if it means settling on a set of Burt Reynolds digitally autographed Smokey and the Bandit II oven mitts because the lifesized Dwayne F. Schneider cut-out from One Day at a Time is currently on back-order. E-Mail.

December 28, 2001
I suppose if you are very, very lucky you will have one person come into your life, one rare and special person, who will stock your freezer with a month's supply of Toaster Strudle free of charge. E-Mail.

December 29, 2001
You don't know this but right now I'm controlling your thoughts. I dare you not to imagine George Wendt in a bikini. E-Mail.

December 30, 2001
Last night, after eight years of marriage and two kids, I lost my virginity. I don't think I need to add anything more. E-Mail.

December 31, 2001
I'm looking forward to 2002 with a renewed enthusiasm... I just found a doctor in a remote South American village who is willing to perform saline implant surgery on my elbows. E-Mail.