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December 1, 2002 Dear Doctor Science,
From the amazing Dr. Science web site...
I'm in high school. All my friends are always complaining about how much homework they have, or are talking about which girls they like, but the only thing I can think about is conquering nations and forcing others to live under my despotic rule. Have I got a real problem, or just not enough fruit in my diet?
Tune in next year for his titillating answer!
SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
Dear Doctor Science,
December 2, 2002
You won't believe how many times I've had to write on my Christmas list over the years that I don't need any more wallets made from bull scrotums. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 3, 2002
I hereby promise to avoid any easy Christmas jokes involving fruitcake. I will also shave my entire body and refer to myself as Iggy. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 4, 2002
Like many famous people Kris Kringle changed his name for greater public appeal. After all, who wants gifts delivered by Melvin Schlotzsky? SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 5, 2002
While I can understand Uncle Milton's newfound pride I just don't think it's natural for antlers to grow down there. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 6, 2002
I made sure everyone knew at Thanksgiving that things were a bit lean this year so they won't be disappointed when they all open their gifts from me to find cans of Treet instead of the usual, more pricy Spam. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 7, 2002
I've decided to simplify my life, cutting out the clutter. Which essentially means I plan to buy everyone Pez dispensors and use the rest of the money for a bikini wax. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 8, 2002
My favorite Christmas memory? A stocking full of kibble. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 9, 2002
This year instead of dragging my dead Christmas tree through the house, dropping it's spent needles on the way to the burn pile I'm just going to cut out the middle man and burn the tree in the living room. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 10, 2002
Rather than spending all of that extra money on Christmas cards this year, I've just decided to abandon all family and friends to become a hermit. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 11, 2002
I was told to get a "frontal shot" of my boss for a PR piece I'm working on. It was tough convincing him to pose nude, but it was even more difficult getting him to sit on the Alpaca. I was going for an artistic thing. Anyway, I hope the editors of that business news magazine appreciate what they put me up to. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 12, 2002
Down in Indianapolis they got snow. A bit north in Fort Wayne all we got was soap flakes. I blame the influence of Hollywood. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 13, 2002
I've got a date this weekend and surprisingly, I'm not as hung up over Earlene's past sex change operation as I thought I would be. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 14, 2002
2X4's are more than great building materials. They also make the perfect gift! SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 15, 2002
If today was a Tuesday in June I'd be much warmer, playing at the park with my kids. I also would be wearing pants. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 16, 2002
I decided long ago to make my own happiness, and if the local law enforcement ever find out I'm making it from my bathtub and selling it to minors I'm in big trouble. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 17, 2002
I have no appointments or meetings at work today and I just drank two bottles of cough syrup while sitting at my desk. Life is good. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 18, 2002
I write a lot of press releases as part of my job. I've discovered that the most successful way to get published is by threatening the lives of your publishers' pets. It's amazing what you can get into print when you have a picture of an editor's poodle with a bomb strapped to it's back. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 19, 2002
I usually start out the work day with two cups of hot coffee. However, today my wacky office mates switched my "regular" brand of coffee with boiled goat feces and pureÚd earthworms. You'd think that after ten years of coffee drinking that I'd be able to tell the difference. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 20, 2002
In Central Yup'ik, an Alaskan Native Indian Language, "Alussistuaqegcikici" means "Merry Christmas." I wish that I would have known that before my Eskimo friend uttered it to me during lunch. I was certain that he was stutterring because he was having a heart attack and rushed to his aid with the defibrillator. Sure, I had been eyeing those keen electrically charged paddles ever since they were first installed in our office (for just such an emergency, I reasoned). I also wish that I would have known how to scream, "CLEAR" in Central Yup'ik. Oh well, I'm sure that he'll have a Alussistuaqegcikici in the hospital as he recovers from the damage done to his body by the electical current. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 21, 2002
Today, we partake in a new Daily Journal experiment: Band Mad Libs! SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 22, 2002
On the back of an actual tanker truck that I saw today was the phrase, "TECHNICAL ANIMAL FAT NOT FOR HUMAN FOOD." I'm no fool. I know that the government doesn't want me to enjoy the benefits and taste of "Technical Animal Fat" and I intend to get some soon. Yes, I will surely be enjoying mouthwatering mounds of technical animal fat poured all over my breakfast cereal, salads and pasta. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 23, 2002
We started a new program here at the office where every employee has the right to ask ten personal questions of another employee. Every question must be answered or the violating employee is tarred & feathered, then sent to our office is Bismark, North Dakota for "employee re-orienting." So, today I learned that my boss keeps a concealed bottle of whiskey in his desk and that he often dresses like a lady while walking around construction sites. He, on the other hand, learned that I sleep a good 3-5 hours in my cube and often dress like a construction worker. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 24, 2002
I'm thinking of taking one of those online correspondence classes on online correspondence classes. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 25, 2002
It's just not Christmas at our home until grandpa brings home a stripper. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 26, 2002
Most folks don't realize that the late J.R.R. Tolkein, famed author of "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, was a huge fan of "The Archies" and set out to write an epic love story on Jughead just before his death. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 27, 2002
I'm pretty sure that my neighbor gets practical jokes (although I haven't really talked to him). That's why I sent him the raw giblets from my recent Christmas turkey with a note pinned to them stating, "You're next!" Man, practical jokes are funny. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 28, 2002
Ahhh, Christmas... family, friends, good food, good times. Of course, there was that Christmas of '78 when we all got snowed in for 3 weeks, ran out of food, practially strangled each other and wound up selling our souls to Satan to get out alive. Other than that, it's been all good... SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 29, 2002
With the current popularity of the DVD, there seems to a great desire from consumers to see "deleted scenes" from movies. Well, I have a better idea--deleted movies. I can probably name six or seven movies which are currently playing that could be deleted altogether. I'm also quite certain that an act like this would be seen as a great humanitarian gesture bringing in world peace and gumbo for the world. More cough syrup, please. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 30, 2002
If Grimmace and Ronald McDonald were to fight, I would be the first in line to see that big purple ball of lard get what he deserves. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!
December 31, 2002
When you care enough to give the very best, give the gift of gum.
Inspired by Miss E from Elwood. SEND US YOUR OLD TROUSERS!