February 1, 1999
And now, here are some "Little Known
Facts" that I just made up (none of which are true to my knowledge, but they sure do
February 2, 1999
1. Squirrels make a popping noise when they
2. Audiologists have discovered that dogs are not fond of the names Steve, Larry, or Lloyd
3. When you cross the street in Venezuala, you must make the sign of the cross and start
with your left foot.
4. Scientists are still baffled by the origin of the tongue depressor
5. Licorice was accidentally discovered by Luigi Licorico of Milan, Italy when he was
trying to invent the typewriter ribbon (35 years before the typewriter was even invented!)
6. Married men in Salt Lake City, Utah are required by law to kiss their wives before
sunrise on New Years Day (however many they may have!).
7. The first commercial broadcast nationwide was for Preperation H and lasted three hours.
8. The top three rejected brand names for the soft drink that is now called "Dr.
Pepper": "Mr. Salt", "Coca Colon" and "Lab Accident
Juice" (in no particular order).
9. If the virus that causes the common cold could be harvested and mass produced, it would
remove stains from any type of material.
10. The four out of five doctors that recommend certain products as advertised on TV all
practice in the same office located in Reno, Nevada (Northwest of Los Angeles). These four
doctors also received their licenses from the same school located in Tijuana, Mexico. The
other doctor's identity is still a mystery.
Today is Groundhog's Day here in America.
Every February 2nd a groundhog emerges from it's hole in the ground. If the groundhog sees
it's shadow we will have six more weeks of winter. If the groundhog does NOT see his
shadow, we will have an early spring. Strange as it may seem, this year the groundhog
emerged singing show tunes. The event went on for hours until the creature was finally shot
with a tranquilizer gun which caused it to go into epileptic seizures. When he finally
regained consciousness he looked down to the ground for his shadow and dropped dead. This
particular series of events is still being studied for interpretation but it's safe to
assume that we will have an early spring and that a New Kids On the Block reunion
certain for the new millennium.
February 3, 1999
I recently watched the "X-Files"
movie on video. It really makes you think. I mean, what if we aren't alone? What if alien
beings from another planet are bent on the destruction of Earth? It really puts things
into perspective... Like, is it really that big of a deal that I dress up in women's
clothing and assassinate world leaders in my spare time?
February 4, 1999
What if bananas were shaped differently? Would
they still be such a tasty treat if they were neon purple squares?
February 5, 1999
How exciting that the NBA season is underway.
Maybe this will be the Cubs year.
February 6, 1999
I was watching a quality TV show on Comedy
Central and was flipping through the channels during a commercial when I came across this
all-news channel, CNN. What a marvelous invention. Now we can receive news as it happens,
and be completely informed! Did you know our president is in some sort of sex scandal?
February 7, 1999
If they made toothpaste in flavors like
scotch, whiskey, and beer, I bet there would be a lot more alcoholics with minty fresh
February 8, 1999
If everyone could just have their own
gravy boat, the world would finally know global peace. Of course, the gravy boat would have
to be filled with gold bullion.
February 9, 1999
I do believe strips of beef jerky would make
wonderful currency in some remote areas of the world. If it ever happens, I'd move there
faster than you can say, "Snap into a Slim Jim!"
February 10, 1999
Right now I'm having a difficult time coming
up with any reason not to name my next son "Jethro".
February 11, 1999
Have you noticed the sun shines brighter these
days and the sky is bluer? Yep, ozone's gone and soon we will be, too!
February 12, 1999
When I was just a boy I carried a dingy
blanket around with me at all times. I called it my "binky" and the hardest
thing I ever did was bury those bodies for my bookie...but wait, that has NOTHING to do
with the binky.
February 13, 1999
As I write there are two grown men on the
television wearing shiny shorts and throwing punches at one another in front of a crowd
of thousands. No, it's not a show, but they are actually on top of my TV.
February 14, 1999
Nothing says "I love you" like a 50
pound sack of corn meal.
February 15, 1999
One time I asked my dad to explain to me how a
mirror works. He summed it up by telling me that it had something to do with gravity and
that he never really loved me and that I was adopted. To this day, I see my reflection and
still wonder how it all works.
February 16, 1999
Yesterday, I met with an old friend. We talked
for about an hour, reminiscing about the past, talking about old times, remembering the
days of our youth while repeating ourselves as we drooled on our shirts.
February 17, 1999
Every year a group of men and women actually
assemble to create a list of proposed names for the season's upcoming
tropical storms and
hurricanes. This year, the following names were rejected...Clinton, Happiness and
February 18, 1999
It's only a matter of days until Starbuck's #1
coffee is coffee-flavored coffee.
February 19, 1999
The one thing that all of these computer
programmers forgot to take into account with regards to this year 2000 thing is the fact
that I'm not wearing pants.
February 20, 1999
As I sit in my room on this last night of a
three day business trip in Atlanta, I ponder the progress I have made, look forward to
seeing my family soon, and wonder how I'm going to get that hotel coffee maker into my
February 21, 1999
Libraries truly amaze me. Where else can you
go to get all the books, magazines, and CDs that you need? Where else is knowledge at your
fingertips? Where else can you find homeless people picking their noses while bathing in
the first floor restrooms?
February 22, 1999
Many people wonder who decided this month
should be shorter than all the other ones. Many people don't realize that it was actually
my Uncle Frank who came up with the idea. But even he still gets confused on leap years.
February 23, 1999
I got a new computer at work today. It's
really quite exciting for me. It is one of those fancy, high-tech types with lots of hard
drive space, all sorts of great programs, and a huge, high-resolution monitor. My boss
says that if I keep up the good work, they'll get me a keyboard and a mouse next year,
whatever that means.
February 24, 1999
You may have noticed the annual Sports
Illustrated "Swimsuit Issue" at newsstands lately. Many of my friends ask me why
I gave up my high-paying job as a photographer of those scantily-clad supermodels. Flying
to scenic beaches around the world was nice, but, well, you have no idea how uncomfortable
a little sand in your bathing suit can be.
February 25, 1999
Anyone else wondering what happened to the
musical group Bread?
February 26, 1999
My eyes sparkle at the mere mention of Tony
Danza. Is this wrong?
February 27, 1999
Four out of five people consider themselves to
be one of the four and not the fifth.
February 28, 1999
My dad once shot a rooster with a slingshot
but that's okay... it was a mean bird.