(updated 6-24-2004)

obLigATiONs rEmOVed - WRiTe thE GOAt - YoU hAVe sPokEN

By your clicking on the "Goat of Your Transgressions" you have been relieved of many of your obligations for the next 24 hours. However, these obligations will return tomorrow unless you click the goat once more. So, you see, it is very important that you click the goat and READ THE DAILY JOURNAL EVERY DAY!

Obligations Removed!

Here's a list of the obligations that the Goat of Your Transgressions currently relieves you of*:

No More Odors from Your Body!
Once again the Goat strikes up some of his magic, this time with the human body. From this day forward, as long as you acknowledge the Goat of Your Transgressions, your body will no longer emit odors from ANY of its orifices. Toot away in elevators! Spend hours in the bathroom reading books and never feel the need to shower again!

Fats Actually Make you LOSE Weight!
Thanks to the goat spending the last few months in his top secret laboratory located somewhere in the woods of Montana, you can now eat all the Fat you want and lose weight. There are no pills that you need to take, no diet, nothing. One follower of the Goat of Your Transgressions recently drank a 3 gallon bucket of pure lard and actually lost 25 pounds while lowering his cholesterol level and building muscle tone. Thanks GOAT!

Giant Turtles Mate in Your Back Yard
Regardless of how far inland you live, the Goat has arranged for giant turtles to mate and lay eggs in your back yard. You'll be the talk of the neighborhood. Animal Planet TV will want to set up a live remote at your home. Who knows, maybe you'll meet that Crocodile Hunter guy.

Cinder Block's Bounce off Your Body
That's right. The goat has struck a deal with gravity and friction to allow any size cinder block to bounce off of your head--PAIN FREE! Go ahead and try it. You'll be amazed. You'll be a "hit" at parties (pun intended....thank you very much....I'll be here all week...try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitresses). WARNING: At this point, this trick only works with cinder blocks. If you're not sure what a cinder block is, you can try several bricks until you find the one that bounces off of your head!

Rudeness Amnesty Day
The Goat is at it again! You are automatically enrolled in the Rudeness Amnesty program. Participants in this program receive a special card that entitles them to be as rude as they want for one day out of each year. On your special day, should someone attempt to reprimand you or crush your head to bits, simply hold up your Official Goat of Transgressions Rudeness Amnesty Day card to be excused from bodily abuse.

Proper Nouns Replaced with Pronouns
Thanks to your favorite Goat, you can now refer to all people with pronouns like "you" and "it". Waste no more time memorizing pointless names for every person you meet.

Traffic Lights
You can now speed right through all highway traffic signals throughout the continental United States and Puerto Rico. (We are currently working on negotiations with Guam and the Dominican Republic, so stay tuned.)

Amusement Park Lines
The Goat of Your Transgressions has freed you from waiting in lines at amusement parks. That's right, no more three hour trips through silly turn stiles in the blazing heat to hop on a two minute ride. You can now walk straight to the head of the line!

"Hail Marys" cut in Half
The Goat of Your Transgressions has struck a deal with the Pope to reduce the number of "Hail Marys" you must say by one half. So, the next time you're in confession and ordered to say ten Hail Marys, you can do five and enjoy the rest of your time. (NOTE: when you are assigned an odd number, the Goat has kindly requested that you round the number up...thank you.)

Write the Goat

Speak to the "Goat of Your Transgressions" here. Is there something else you'd like to be freed from that the goat could help with? Let him know. Or, just tell him how you feel. Thank the goat for the work he has done for you! If you're nice enough to include your name and e-mail address, the goat will respond to you. Don't worry, we have nothing to sell and have no reason to give your address to anyone unless they pay us.

You Have Spoken!

The Goat gets your requests and is working day and night to fix the world to suit your needs.

YOUR LETTERS TO THE GOAT...

Date:            Sunday, May 30, 2004
Time:            06:03:46 PM

Dearest Goat,

I'm a decent guy, or at least I think I am.  Problem is, I think that Hilary
Duff and Lindsay Lohan are hot, and I think they're only 17.  What do you intend
to do about this?

Thanks,

Frustrated



THE GOAT REPLIES...

Frustrated:

There are certain laws that even I cannot change. I don't believe that any of
the transgressions covered include this sort of thing. Have you ever hung out
with a 17-year old girl for any considerable length of time? It might help. Or,
see how long you can walk around a shopping mall or "cruise" around the same
city street while listening to the same N'SYNC song repeatedly for hours at
a time. If that still doesn't work, step into the shower and turn the handle
with the letter "C" (which stands for "CANNOT FIXATE ON UNDERAGE FEMALE
ACTRESSES") as far as it will go.

C-c-c-c-cordially,

The Goat
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Date:            Monday, March 29, 2004
Time:            03:46:28 PM

Blessed Goat,

What is that floating above the cottage cheese anyway?

Weasel



THE GOAT REPLIES...

Weasel:

It depends on how much cottage cheese and precisely what kind you
have smoked. I've found that after smoking a full quart of Breakstone's 
4% Milkfat Large Curd that I often see small sea creatures dancing
above (or, in your case, floating above) the cottage cheese. I just run
with it. I figure that's all part of the experience and I encourage you 
to do the same.

Fixating on the Dancing Purple Octopus of Love,

The Goat
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Date:            Monday, January 12, 2004
Time:            10:10:58 AM

Dear Goat,

Can I paint your hooves?


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Dear Mom....I mean, whoever you are:

After years of trying, I've decided that it's just not worth the time and effort
to paint my ratty hooves. Even Maybelline's "Colorama 5-Day Hoove Color" manages
to wear off after spending only a few hours in the sewer, where I sometimes forage
for treats (used socks, old batteries, etc.). So, the answer is, "No, you cannot 
paint my hooves." However, you're always welcome to stain and polish my horns.

Pretty in Pink,

The Goat
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Date:            Sunday, January 11, 2004
Time:            01:56:25 AM

Dear Mr. Goat,

Hello.  I have a QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I know how you prefer people
actually have a question........anyway........sometimes with I am with my
husband I am thinking about you, imagining your hooves all over me and your loud
bleating makes my heart race.  I just need to know one thing to make it
complete.......is it boxers or briefs.


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Dear Exclamation Point Lover:

Boxers or briefs, eh? I'm a goat. I'll eat either one without complaining.

Baaaahhh----uuuurrrp,

The Goat
--------------------------------------------------------------

Date:            Thursday, December 18, 2003
Time:            10:56:40 AM

Dear Goat,

Baaah. The Sheep of Your Infirmities here. I just wanted to say hi to my goat
friend, and I was hoping that perhaps you could help me with my addiction to
beef jerky. Not just any beef jerky, mind you, but the one and only Slim Jim
beef jerky. I just can't resist when Randy Savage tells me to snap into one. 

And I really have a strange oatmeal fetish that I could use some help with. Any
ideas?



THE GOAT REPLIES...

Greetings Mighty Sheep of My Infirmities (or "Bernie" as I knew you from
our beauty college days):

First off, it's been a long time since I've heard from you. I cannot remember
the last time that we got together. I trust that your own Web venture is going
as well as mine. As for the obsession with Slim Jim's, I'm not sure what to tell
you. However, given the low-carb dieting craze of the current day, you could be
doing a whole lot worse than a Slim Jim craving. But oatmeal? What are you, sick?
Oatmeal is for rodents and small marsupials. Just ask my friend, "The Farting 
Rabbit-Eared Bandicoot of Your Lower Intestinal Ailments." He eats four to five 
pounds of oatmeal a day and it doesn't seem to be helping his cause.


The Goat
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Date:            Monday, October 20, 2003
Time:            04:23:44 PM

Dear Goat,

Do you have any advice on how to deal with my eye brow plucking obsession?  I
don't have any eye brows left and I promised my husband I would stop plucking
yesterday.....he will be home in 1.5 hours.  

Thanks.


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Dear Thanks:

This is one of those requests that we get just about every day, except it usually
doesn't have anything to do with eyebrows or obsessions. Basically, what we have 
here is a question of will power. Since you don't have any, I suggest that you 
buy one of those eye liner pencils or a box of Sharpies™.

Pluck Off,

The Goat
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Date:            Thursday, September 25, 2003
Time:            07:20:04 AM

I LOVE THE GOAT#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Dear _________:

And the goat loves you. Although you didn't send a request, you've been
given the right to run naked through the mall without anyone noticing.
Thanks for the kind letter.

# ! 1 Goat
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Date:            Monday, August 25, 2003
Time:            12:36:49 AM

hi, its just to stop clicking on marys face, its nothing much, but i feel bad
clicking on marys face, you see? so if clicking on a goat releives me from
clicking marys face, i surely click on the goats face, forgive me mary, mother
of many, of all, if i clicked on your face. i love you, and will NOT click on
your face again,,,but ask you for your forgivenness, for clicking on your face,
forgive me,,,


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Dear Mary Clicker:

There must be another Web site where you can write to Mary. I think there's
one that also teaches the correct use of capital letters and punctuation marks.
Wait, that's it...the Goat hereby relieves you of the need for using capital
letters and punctuation marks. Now you can keep writing the way that you 
do...without all the guilt! Can I get an, "Amen?"

Most Holy Goat
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Date:            Friday, July 25, 2003
Time:            01:01:30 AM

Dear Stupid Goat,

You know I don't like you because you never answer me.  I have written you four
times and I have heard nothing from you.  Now you are having your picture taken
with MY boyfriend I am sure only to torment me. Where did that thumb come from
anyway?  Oh ya I ripped off your hooves in my dream last night...heh heh heh.
That is it bud......I have HAD IT!  Pretty soon this "serial killer" is going to
make you into goat hash and serve you to little old ladies at one of the the
senior citizens luncheons. On toast that is with a big splat of GRAVY!!!!!!  
Go play in traffic,

Crunchy


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Dearest Crunchy:

The goat prefers, "smooth" but I'll answer you, nonetheless. As for the reason
I didn't respond to your previous letters--I didn't get them. Perhaps you're
living in a different space-time continuum (one where they consume crunchy
peanut butter instead of smooth).

I will admit to having several pictures taken with your boyfriend. In addition,
there are several that he's paying me to keep from you.

Oh, and good luck with your dreams and trying to kill me. The Goat doesn't stay 
in one place for too long.

Finally, seeing as how you DID write me a letter (and yet again, another letter 
without a specific request), I feel obligated to remove one of your transgressions. 
So, I've decided that you're no longer subject to anti-perspirants or deodorants. 
They have no power over your goat-strengthened stinky sweat glands. Enjoy!

Stupid (but not SMELLY, like you) Goat

P.S. Yes, I realize that this seems to contradict the "No More Odors from
Your Body" transgression removal from further up this page. But remember, I am
the goat and I can do whatever I want. The Goat has spoken! Sola Oryx
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Date:            Wednesday, February 09, 2000
Time:            08:58:15 AM
 
Dear Goat:
I am at a dilemma in my life. You see I look like a basset hound.
In fact my brother reminds me of it every day. I walk down the street
with my ears down and tail tucked in between my legs and get laughed
at by complete strangers. My husband thinks it is cute but what does
he know? He has the face of a donkey's ass. My  brother formerly known
as Navin Johnson, now known as shayface, has no right to tease me like
he does. He is a pimply faced, balding, bull-legged ugly man. He thinks
just because he is the oldest that he got all the good genes in the
pool. Well, I'm here to say he is dead wrong. Oh Goat I just don't
know what to do! I prayed all my hail mary's and read the rosary beads
and I'm still cursed. Please respond back and let me know what to do!
I'm standing on the Ambassador at the moment and ready to throw myself
off!


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Woof:

Please forgive the goat for taking so long to get back to you.
I am inundated with letters every hour (okay, so actually I
RARELY get letters and therefore forget to check my goat mail).

First off, let me say that I fully understand the nature of
your problem. Believe it or not, The Goat of Your Transgressions
has an older brother, Ned (also known as "The Goat of Your
Lower Intestines"--it's not as prestigious as my gig, but he tells
me that it pays the bills). Anyway, Ned is constantly reminding
ME that he has inherited all of the favorable traits of our now
deceased father, "The Goat of Your Uncle Larry's Peanut Butter
Crackers" (our family rose from a humble start). And while it is
true that Ned has the same vocal inflections and gruff beard as
our beloved father, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize
that I'm the one raking in the serious dough and solving the world's
problems (at least, the problems of those who acknowledge the goat).

So, what does this all have to do with your big brother Lloyd? Well,
nothing, really. But if he gets out of line again, just knock that
balding, bull-legged Chris Farley impersonating doofus on his big
buttocks. That will show him a thing a two. And, as a special bonus
to you (because you were wise enough to write to "The Goat of Your
Transgressions", I'm giving you a five-day pass to squeeze toothpaste
tubes into the nostrils of your enemies. Not only will they leave you
unharmed after you fill their nasal passages with Colgate, they'll
get down on their knees and thank you for it.

Viva la Goat!

The Goat
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Dear Goat,

I went to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio last week and promptly marched my 
way to the front of the "Raptor" ride, having been cleansed by
his goatness. However, an unruly man named Jake (who obviously had not 
been graced by the great goatie) let me know that he did not appreciate 
my rude entrance nor my cutting in front of him. He said, and I quote, 
"I don't care what your stupid goat said -- you ain't gonna get in front
of me, less'n you want your teeth spread across this here see-ment". 
Unable to convince his Jakeness that the Goat of My Transgressions takes 
precedence over his feeble existence, I turned to my wife and started to
describe to her what I thought of Jake, using "it" instead of "him" in 
my description, thereby claiming another pardoned transgressable. 
Unfortunately, this too failed, as Jake chose to take my referring to 
him as an "it" quite badly, and he rewarded me by impaling my face and
upper torso with his full 32-ounce Pepsi collector cup, which he attempted
to fit over my head. I promptly got myself up from the see-ment and, in
a panic, showed him my Rudeness Amnesty Day card, which he ripped up 
and threw away.

I am writing you this because after this experience, I am not sure 
I believe in you anymore. I'm going back to saying my daily hundred
Hail Marys, burning candles in my mothers bathroom, and sacrificing 8-track 
tapes. My experience with you has been a dismal and costly one, and I am 
now faced with several months of reconstructive surgery and thousands of
dollars worth of dentist bills.

At least I have a brand new 32-ounce Pepsi collector cup...FOR ME TO POOP ON.

Sinseeya,

Gern Blansten


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Neeeeaaaahhhh. First, I want to sincerely apologize for any difficulties
you might have experienced with my services. In the future, you may want
to direct your correspondence to the law firm that represents us, Billie,
Gote & Gruff located in the metropolitan area of Akron, Ohio. However, 
had you carefully read the EXCEPTIONS located at the
bottom of this page, you would have known that The Goat of Your 
Transgressions does NOT, I repeat NOT cover your transgressions at this 
time (see Exception 1-2).

In the future, should any of your conditions change or should I alter any
of the exceptions, you will be notified. As for now, keep both hands on the 
wheel, remember to say, "Please" and "Thank You", and in the words of my
favorite lawman Barney T. Fife, "Obey all rules!"

Regards,

The Goat
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Dear Goat:

I do not want to have to wipe myself any longer.


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Dear Lazy:

Bahhh. At this time, I cannot make it possible for your species to 
function like mine when it comes to relieving your bowels. However, 
send me your name and address and I will forward you a list of 
suitable nursing homes in your area. I hear Wednesday is Parcheesi 
night!

The Goat
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Dear Goat:

The janitors are planning to buy Guam... a janitors paradise?


THE GOAT REPLIES...

Dear Sonny Meyers (the name of my Jr. High School Janitor):

True, the janitors have been in serious negotiations the last ten years 
to make a respectable bid for Guam. However, more recently, a small
group of wealthy retired chimney sweeps has moved to the front. Stay tuned to
the Goat to keep you posted. Regardless of WHO takes control of Guam, we have
reason to believe the traffic light thing will be resolved soon.

The Goat
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