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*TDJ is NOT Y2K compliant at this point. In fact, if our server even suspects anything about a new century, it's likely to explode. So, please, for our sake and for your reading pleasure, pretend that it's 1900. You just finished a long day's work in the textile mills and now you're catching up on the latest news about those wacky new Zeppelins and the Boxer Revolt in China (believe it or not, they all used to wear briefs).
January 1, 1900
We made it! Here it is 1900! E-Mail.
January 2, 1900
Here at TDJ we just received a rare scoop. Many of you know that Charles Schulz is retiring his legendary comic strip, Peanuts, this year. We have now confirmed that the LAST strip will actually be six panels (as opposed to the usual three) and the entire cast (Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus, Sally, Peppermint Patty, Snoopy, Woodstock, Schroeder, Marcie and Pig Pen) are THROWN INTO JAIL! What a hoot. This will be a real shocker. E-Mail.
January 3, 1900
There's nothing like the many small keepsakes and souvenirs to help us remember the important events and milestones in our lives. For instance, whenever I look at this 25" TV I stole from the store, I'll warmly remember New Years Eve 1999 when all the lights went out! E-Mail.
January 4, 1900
Y2K problems continue to plague those in the Midwest. Today I pressed the top of my shaving cream dispenser and suddenly Dabney Coleman was next to me. I had expected Merl Haggard. E-Mail.
January 5, 1900
I'm sure the thought raced through many of your minds between 11:59 pm and 12:00 a.m. as the new millennium was coming upon us, "Yep, Bubba, this here's the first pee of the millennium!" E-Mail.
January 6, 1900
I guess since there have been no electrical outages it's okay for me to disassemble my home-made generator. It seems a shame, though, after all the time it took me to catch those squirrels. E-Mail.
January 7, 1900
Just how talented are the writers at The Daily Journal? Under intense pressure, Mr. Shuman came up with this little gem in under ten seconds:
One time when I was five years old I accidentally swallowed a jar of bubble soap. Sure I threw up for months but the pictures in the newspaper were incredible.
Okay, so perhaps we aren't stud-writers but at least we keep our body odors in check. E-Mail.
January 8, 1900
Every time I remember that it is now the 21st century, I think of Buck Rodgers and how silly that old TV show was. Then I laugh and go back to playing checkers with my nuclear-powered robot servant. E-Mail.
January 9, 1900
There are a couple of eateries that I frequent in my mid-sized Midwestern town that serve emu as a sensible, low-fat alternative to beef. One such place is a pizza joint that specializes in emu pizza and beer. In fact, the menu says that they are doing their job to save the environment by feeding the leftover grain from the beer-brewing process to the emus that they kill for the pizza. There isn't anything really funny about this, I'm just amazed at how brilliantly efficient we've become as a society. E-Mail.
January 10, 1900
We've managed to go almost an entire month WITHOUT mentioning PONCHOS! E-Mail.
January 11, 1900
Basically, when it comes down to figuring out difficult mathematical problems I resort to violence. I've managed to pass quite a few honor-level Trigonometry and Calculus classes in college (I didn't deserve to be in any of them) because I could beat up the skinny kid with the pocket-protector sitting next to me. E-Mail.
January 12, 1900
The baseball Hall of Fame recently announced it's two newest members and once again they've completely neglected my neighbor "Weird Earl". He never played in the majors (in fact, I'm pretty sure he never played at all), but he knows everything there is to know about baseball and drainage pipes. E-Mail.
January 13, 1900
We get a lot of letters here at Das Daily Journal and I thought it would be appropriate to answer the most common request. I cannot attest to the other writers, but when I write I am usually wearing dress shoes, black socks, a corporate casual shirt, and slacks, usually black. I'm not sure why we get such requests a lot but I hope this answers your questions. Please write again! E-Mail.
January 14, 1900
I believe there are two types of people in this world: people who get the movie "UHF," and people who eat beef vegetable soup. There are also people who watch National Geographic specials without any pants on, but they usually fall under one of the first two categories. E-Mail.
January 15, 1900
It's 10:42 on a Monday and I just realized that I'm not yet fully conscious. E-Mail.
January 16, 1900
Reading the Jan 14 entry while slightly dozing (my preferred method for getting through the work day), I came up with a great new soup... Vegetarian Beef! The creation of this golden soup will be personally supervised by a select team of cattle who will proceed to take a very humane swim in the broth vat to add just a hint of that bovine bouquet! I think it goes without saying that we'll make millions for sure! E-Mail.
January 17, 1900
Why yes, this is a Bugle Boy poncho I'm wearing. E-Mail.
January 18, 1900
I noticed that on the bottom of a can of Paul Mitchell hair sculpting foam there is the following sentence written in boldface type, "This product tested on hairstylists, not animals." Now, I'm normally not one to criticize (ok, so I do it all the time...sue me!), but it seems to me that this is unfair. Sure, we can test some new cancer drug on rats to see if it kills them or has awful side effects, but when was the last time a rat had the chance to get a really nice hair treatment at the salon? Something also tells me that the old men working in the test labs didn't waste a lot of Viagra™ on stray dogs, either (just a hunch). E-Mail.
January 19, 1900
And now a guest entry from one of our fans (i.e. one of our friends that has probably not taken the time to look at the site so we're hoping this will be a good way to get another unique web hit for our counter):
Have you ever wondered why hemorrhoids were not called ass-terhoids. Me
neither, but I do not appreciate blood-stained undies! ("Scalp" in Ft. Wayne) E-Mail.
January 20, 1900
Those looking for uplifting words from the bible might wish to avoid the following verses:
13 As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement.
12 Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel."
But, hey, if you think it's funny to see the word, "excrement" in scripture, these verses are for you! E-Mail.
January 21, 1900
Here's another great verse:
9 "Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself. You are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side.
But, of course, we've all done this hundreds of times, right? You never know what you're going to find in there. E-Mail.
January 22, 1900 And get ready to fall in love! That's what happens when you get hooked on the surprisingly sour flavor of _________________. Bold and brash, colorful and cantankerous, they'll make your eyes light up and your
taste buds dance around your mouth! And they'll do it every time. We call that true love. (If anyone can guess what food is being over-hyped here, e-mail The Daily Journal for a chance to win a bag of lima beans.)
And get ready to fall in love! That's what happens when you get hooked on the surprisingly sour flavor of _________________. Bold and brash, colorful and cantankerous, they'll make your eyes light up and your taste buds dance around your mouth! And they'll do it every time. We call that true love.
(If anyone can guess what food is being over-hyped here, e-mail The Daily Journal for a chance to win a bag of lima beans.)E-Mail.
January 23, 1900
I guess I've been a little convicted about my work ethic. So, I've decided to leave my goat at home. Sure, she's one pissed-off goat, but I get so much more done here now that I don't have to wade through all the goat hair. Well, gotta run. My iguana just got stuck in the paper feeder of the copying machine. E-Mail.
January 24, 1900
The first thing I plan to do when elected to Congress is to do everything in my power to get the words "creamed corn" inserted into the preamble of the Constitution. E-Mail.
January 25, 1900
What if the chick peas of the world united, and revolted? Do you think anyone would notice? I mean, after all, what could they really do to hurt anyone? They're just little brown nut looking things that sit on a salad. But, they are mighty tasty. I think I would miss them if we had to go to war, and annihilated their population with nuclear weapons. What a pity. Wait, get a hold of yourself, they're just chick peas. What the heck were you thinking, anyway. Sheesh. E-Mail.
January 26, 1900
One thing I notice about the cold dry air of winter is that I usually get a condition I refer to as "bullet booger". The air is so dry that the mucus in my nose instantly hardens and affixes to the hairs and inner walls of my nasal passages. These dried nuggets are sometimes so hard to remove that I have to either pick (not always an option when you're at work) or blow with all my might. When I choose to blow the "bullet boogers" have been known to shoot out at speeds in excess of 100 m.p.h., blowing through double-ply Puffs™, and knocking calculators and small office trinkets off my desk. E-Mail.
January 27, 1900
After many hours of painful research here at TDJ labs we have conclusively determined that cats can drive motor vehicles better than goats. All of the subjects used in the experiments died, but the goats seemed to die quicker, thus we were able to come to our own scientific conclusions. One other note: although goats cannot drive as well as cats, their larger bodies seem to be more suited for absorbing the shock from drivers side air bags. Be sure to look for the results of our next research project, coming soon, where we determine whether or not yaks are able to play the trombone while falling from tall buildings. E-Mail.
January 28, 1900
I can remember when I was just a little lad and my mom would come up with all kinds of ways to use zucchini squash (zucchini bread, zucchini cookies, zucchini meatloaf, etc.). The truth is that the zucchini had no taste whatsoever and acted more as a filler. She could have used dryer lint instead. The advantages of using dryer lint are too numerous to mention them all. However, the bottom line is that dryer lint is easy to come by and takes up no space in the garden (more room to grow eggplant!). E-Mail.
January 29, 1900
I've heard the expression "cautiously optimistic" used quite often, but I've yet to hear anyone say that they were, "hazardously pessimistic". E-Mail.
January 30, 1900
Nobody loves me, I'm convinced. Sure, you can try to cheer me up if you like, but today as I walked into my church, there was a giant sign in the entry way that read, "Nobody Loves you Roger!" I shook it off, hoping it was a joke. But as I moved past the sign toward my favorite pew, I was pelted by wadded up church bulletins and one of the deacons struck me in the face with a hymnal. So, you see...nobody loves me. E-Mail.
January 31, 1900
Painstaking effort has been made here at The Daily Journal (TDJ for those of you who like abbreviations) to make sure that all of our entries are 100% lactose free. However, I have to admit that I just spilled a gallon of whole milk all over my keyboard and I apologize for the following words: custard, whey, cream, cottage cheese, rich pudding, yogurt and cream cheese. E-Mail.