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January 1, 2002
Because my sexual awakening was sparked in part by the attractive, scantily-clad women on the Benny Hill show, I find women in garter belts amazingly attractive, but only if they are moving in fast-motion. E-Mail.
January 2, 2002
The worst part about being chased by local police officers through residential areas is that people watch you drive by and think that the "I Luv N'Sync" bumper sticker is yours. I stole the car, okay!?!? Really! The bumper sticker is not mine! E-Mail.
January 3, 2002
Some have pointed out that 2002 is a nice, symmetrical number, a numerical palindrome, if you will. At the moment, "boob" is my favorite palindrome. E-Mail.
January 4, 2002
An effective way to get rid of unwanted guests is to fill their sleeping bags with sauerkraut while they sleep. In the absence of sleeping bags, just refer to them as "Spivey" until they either leave in disgust or reduce your abode to ashes with the help of a gallon of gas, 14,927 #2 pencils and an as-yet-to-be-decided ignition source. E-Mail.
January 5, 2002
Our refrigerator hasn't been cooling at it's peak lately so I went to the internet to find out the problem. Using the amazing Google engine, I soon found out the problem: there's a magic elf inside each freezer compartment who removes the heat from the inside of the freezer compartment. If that elf is sick or angry, he will not work to his full capacity. There is no need to set out a bowl of food or medicine for this elf as he helps himself to the items in your freezer, which in my case was the problem. It seems we haven't been putting the right kinds of food in the freezer and he's become ill, a problem that will soon be remedied. One interesting tidbit I learned was the purpose of baking soda to remove freezer odors. Elves have notoriously picky stomachs and they use the baking soda to calm said stomachs. No baking soda = one excessively flatulent elf = freezer odor. What did we ever do before the internet? E-Mail.
January 6, 2002
My pal Chad has made a New Year's resolution to not eat any red meat or chicken for six months. I, on the other hand, LOVE red meat and chicken. In fact, I usually paint my chicken meat red. E-Mail.
January 7, 2002
A business meeting with your favorite binky firmly in mouth? You bet! E-Mail.
January 8, 2002
You would have more credence with your superious if you didn't insist on being referred to as "Emperor Penguin." E-Mail.
January 9, 2002
Panda bears may be endangered, but they make great throw pillows. E-Mail.
January 10, 2002
It's days like these that make me proud to be a fiddler crab. Three cheers for crustaceans! E-Mail.
January 11, 2002
Some people swear by new underpants but not me. Nope! The pair I have on now were once worn by my great-great-great-grand pappy in the civil war. And since he only washed his clothes once a month in a nearby creek, they're as good as new. E-Mail.
January 12, 2002
And now I shall share with you a sad story, a story about me and Erma Bombeck's underpants. You see, only a year ago I stumbled upon Erma Bombeck's underpants and not knowing that she was a large gal, I attempted to do what any male would do and wear them on my head at dinner parties, banquets, festive occasions, church, etc. I had no idea that these gigantic underpants would become a permanent fixture to my head where they remain to this day... unwashed, soiled, disgusting, and I'm not exactly sure why I decided to create this story using this rather cheesy, deep voice which has no real accent whatsoever except that it sort of sounds like the guy who used to do the CNN promos. "This is CNN." Alas my voice is not deep enough and it just sounds fake. So I'm going to start using my regular voice because I was hurting my vocal cords. And I'm driving home from work, you betchyer butt. I'm just callin' ya for NO REASON! E-Mail.
January 13, 2002
It is federal law that if you moon the teller at a bank drive-though, the teller has to give you an extra sucker. E-Mail.
January 14, 2002
Last year I had a great idea for April Fools. I called my wife around noon one day and told her that I had lost my job. I came home early and carried on this charade, sobbing and wondering aloud about paying bills. Right before midnight I told her it was a joke. Hey, I thought it was funny but I'm not so sure about my wife because I only see her on weekends when I pick up the kids. E-Mail.
January 15, 2002
My department is moving up the streeth to another building owned by "the corporation." In a dazzling show of cost-saving savvy, each employee is expected to disassemble, transport, and reassemble their own cubicle. Jute twine will be provided and hand carts will be available for a low, hourly fee. E-Mail.
January 16, 2002
In case you missed it in the last entry: JUTE TWINE, JUTE TWINE, JUTE TWINE! E-Mail.
January 17, 2002
Well, I must admit that our new office building looks great. However, it's a converted parking garage and my office is on one of the ramps that used to connect the 2nd and 3rd floors. I probably spend most of my time every day just trying to keep the computer from rolling off my desk. E-Mail.
January 18, 2002
In the new strip mall just up the road they have put in a Perfect Nails and Great Clips. In our SHEER GENIUS here at TDJ, we've decided to open our own Average Shoes shop next to these two stores. Think about it...if you have a "Great Clip" and "Perfect Nails" you'll be more than happy with "Average Shoes".E-Mail.
January 19, 2002
I'm trying to come up with a journal entry but I currently have death metal buzz-sawing through my head compliments of a local band that I have to review. Death metal isn't very condusive to creative thinking. I'd say it's more condusive to philately. E-Mail.
January 20, 2002
It may sound like a good idea at the time, but thirty gallons of pre-chewed whale blubber is a bad deal no matter how low the price. E-Mail.
January 21, 2002
This space for rent. E-Mail.
January 22, 2002
Life would be much simpler if we could all lay aside our prejudices and just love each other. And if everyone owned a goat. E-Mail.
January 23, 2002
The thing I like most about this here daily journal is that when I'm writing an entry, no one cares if I'm wearing pants. E-Mail.
January 24, 2002
There's nothing like a boys first rectal thermometer to prepare him for the upcoming post-40 exams of life. E-Mail.
January 25, 2002
Some months we're ahead... some months we're behind. This month we're bashful and coy. E-Mail.
January 26, 2002
Back in it's day, Chaucer and Lady Chatterly's Lover were considered racy but in 2002, they are tame. Likewise, my copy of The Best of 1975 Penthouse Letters is so tame that I'm suggesting it as the February text for my church book of the month group. E-Mail.
January 27, 2002
Four-part harmony is good, except when it involves rodents. E-Mail.
January 28, 2002
Four more days to complete and boy are my arms tired. E-Mail.
January 29, 2002
No one on my street appreciates how much money they'll save come April when I let everyone cart away a free laundry hamper of cow manuer. But for now, it's my property and I can pile it as high as I like. E-Mail.
January 30, 2002
Chester Cheese is a good name for a cartoon cat but the committee didn't go for it when I suggested it be the new name of our department. E-Mail.
January 31, 2002
Will February 2002 ever be completed? Will it ever be started? Stay tuned... same gopher time... same gopher channel! E-Mail.