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January 1, 2006
Wow, the first post of a new year. It's time to turn over a new leaf in life. It's time to really start thinking about objectives, and hopes, and dreams, and how I can get those darned hoboes to stop camping on my front lawn.
entry # 2,723
January 2, 2006
A wise man once said to me, "Boy, the brown ostrich doesn't have far to run in sunny weather."
entry # 2,724
January 3, 2006
Ever since I got married nearly eight years ago, I've been habitually lying to my wife by telling her I was once abused by a group of angry baby penguins. I don't remember exactly how the little white lie got started, but my first resolution of the New Year is to tell her the truth. It wasn't baby penguins, it was actually a throng of mildly irritated ewes.
entry # 2,725
January 4, 2006
Coming up with daily journal entries here at TDJ can be challenging. On one hand, you want to provide something witty and engaging for both of our readers--something that will spice up their day of give them a bit of personal inspiration. On the other hand, you just don't give a rat's sphincter.
entry # 2,726
January 5, 2006
Today I give you the inspired thoughts from my pal, Ren Butler:
"In an effort to increase their outdated and questionable "humor," Marmaduke and Ziggy have merged into a single comic strip called MarmaZiggy.
entry # 2,727
January 6, 2006
I quit my job today. I marched right into my boss's office and said, "I'd like to turn in my two week's notice." It doesn't have the same appeal as, "Take this job and SHOVE IT!" but I want to leave on good terms. However, as I was leaving at the end of the day, I thought about setting off the fire alarms. I didn't actually do it, but just thinking about it made me feel like Johnny Paycheck. You know, it sure is ironic that his last name is "Paycheck" and his only hit song was about work.
entry # 2,728
January 7, 2006
What do you get when you mix marshmallow cream with pureed pork fat and garbonzo beans? The answer is, "some kind of rare liver condition." Ask me about it again in 6-8 weeks.
entry # 2,729
January 8, 2006
The other day one of our applications engineers chewed up his finger on one of our machines during a system test. He had to go to the hospital for surgery and probably lost his fingernail. When he came back, I heard his manager commend him on the work that he did as the test revealed the results they were looking for. Now that I know what it means to "take one for the team," I plan on cramming my right foot into one of the grinders so I can earn this kind of admiration from our management team.
entry # 2,730
January 9, 2006
Today we celebrate the life and music of the late Roger Sessions. Sessions was a great American composer of the 20th century. His impact was also left as a teacher as many of his students have gone on to be influential musicians and composers today. However, one can only wonder how much more impact Sessions would have made if he would have been taught how to wear his glasses.
entry # 2,731
January 9, 2006
Due to the public's demand for ever changing thrills many smaller circuses are having to downsize. Yes, I know that this means that the fat lady will have to grow a beard and learn to geek but if you think about it, it's not much of a stretch.
entry # 2,732
January 11, 2006
The lady on the radio said to expect one to three inches today but she didn't say of what. I hope it isn't pinto beans as big as hamsters like we had last Wednesday. Man, that hurt.
entry # 2,733
January 12, 2006
Every day, in order to gain inspiration for The Daily Journal, we bow before a make-shift shrine dedicated to the actor Alan Thicke. If you're a long-time reader here, you've probably figured out that it doesn't work.
entry # 2,734
January 13, 2006
January 13th is always a sad day for me because it marks the anniversary of the horrific farm tractor accident that took the lives of four of the greatest musicians this country has ever known: Tom T. Hall, Roger Miller, Weird Al Yancovik and Ray Stevens. For me, the music will never be the same.
entry # 2,735
January 14, 2006
Currently my wife and I are reading through a book called The Five Love Languages" where the author claims that there are five basic ways that people express and feel loved. Those ways are 1. Words of Affirmation, 2. Receiving Gifts, 3. Quality Time, 4. Acts of Service, and 5. Physical Touch. However, I think he also left out, 6. Being Left Alone, 7. Shutting Up, and 8. Watching TV For Long Periods of Time.
entry # 2,736
January 15, 2006
I received my special-order fish-eye contact lenses today. The wide-angle and zoom contact lenses have not come in yet.
entry # 2,737
January 16, 2006
If I ever write a book it will be called, "Dangerous Experiments for Children." It wouldn't contain any danger experiments at all. Mostly, it would be filled with inane stories from my office and a few of the songs that I've written while at work. But that title would generate all kinds of publicity and sell books. I'll make millions for sure.
entry # 2,738
January 17, 2006
If you get your fifteen minutes of fame and it happens to be on UPN does it really count?
entry # 2,739
January 18, 2006
In an effort to lift myself from this last bout of depression my psychiatrist suggested that I add colorful sprinkles on top off all my meals. Mmmmm... gravy with sprinkles.
entry # 2,740
January 19, 2006
I'm marching to the tune of a different drummer today. I fired the old one because I didn't like the way he held his sticks and he was always staring at my butter.
entry # 2,741
January 20, 2006
IAMS has come out with a new complete line of foods designed for the various stages of your dog's life. While the Puppy Protein, Active Adolescent and Adventurous Adult formulas maintain your "best friend's" health during the most active stages of life, Mid-life Kibble, AARP Fiberpunch and Days Before Death will be there for your dog until the very end. IAMS even offers Sleepytime Fido for your dog's last visit to the veterinarian.
entry # 2,742
January 21, 2006
Since I started eating nothing but iceberg lettuce I find myself vaguely attracted to prime numbers.
entry # 2,743
January 22, 2006
I don't remember reading anything about it in the news but apparently lawmakers are now allowing LITTLE CHILDREN to drive cars. I see these gangly youths of a whopping sixteen summers driving past police cars with little consequence, nay, barely a notice, as if they don't care that these children who have only recently moved onto solid food are now commandeering over a ton of metal and glass. Startling but true.
entry # 2,744
January 23, 2006
After years of consulting with my psychic friend I've decided to go ahead with the surgery and get some gills.
entry # 2,745
January 24, 2006
My redneck uncle Addison was fond of saying "Toilet seats are like beer... I'd rather have one cold and fresh than warm and recently used. The same goes for mashed taters."
entry # 2,746
January 25, 2006
My CAT scan came back and it's rather embarrassing, what with my exposed occipital lobes and all.
entry # 2,747
January 26, 2006
From the massive mind of Melynda:
I'd love to write an illustrated book on the history of gloves but I can't get behind the concept of footnotes.
entry # 2,748
January 27, 2006
Beef and Barley soup is delicious. Less tasty alliterative foodstuffs include banana and bacon pie, apples and armor potted meat food stuff casserole, and my all-time unfavorite sausage and Sucretes Stew.
entry # 2,749
January 28, 2006
Last night I had a premonition: When the dolphin rises from the green grass sea it will be crushed by the iron pig.
entry # 2,750
January 30, 2006
There aren't near enough berzerking robots in the workplace these days. It used to be that you could count on one or two good manic slayings per year, giving the lucky survivors a day or two off with pay but these days all the robots work for beef jerky manufacturers and go by the handle of "Elwood."
entry # 2,751
January 31, 2006
From Ernest, my uncle, the undertaker: Every have one of those days when the trocar just seems blunt and the eyes keep popping open and no matter what you do you just can't stop thinking that the current work in progress looks an awful lot like Homor Simpson?
entry # 2,752