July 2003
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July 1, 2003
I'm quite certain that when I got into the office early this morning I may have poured myself a cup of coffee from yesterday's batch. Actually, I'm not even sure that it was coffee since it was bright green and came from an antifreeze container.
entry # 1,835

July 2, 2003
And now, back my popular demand, it's the all new:

Random Journal Entry Creator Version 1.1 (w'hoo!)

entry # 1,836

July 3, 2003
This Independence Day, give the missus the gift that keeps on giving: a Maple Syrup Enema!
entry # 1,836

July 4, 2003
Being a borderline "government employee" has its share of perks, one of which is that I don't have to work National Holidays like this one. Another perk is Cannibalism Tuesdays, also referred to in-house as "Postal Worker Soup Day at the cafeteria."
entry # 1,837

July 5, 2003
I don't write a lot of journal entries these days because my creative juices, along with my intestinal tract, dried up about a year ago. But this is actually my third entry in a row. I'm on a roll! I'm on fire! Don't stop me now, because... darn, I can't think of a funny way to end this entry. Hmm...


Ah, there we go. Marmots to the rescue once again.
entry # 1,838

July 6, 2003
Although I don't agree with the policy, the company that pays me to "work" while I update this web site has recently decided to enforce strict anti-money laundering policies by, and I quote, "not taking no more uh them Canadian coins."
entry # 1,839

July 7, 2003
If I was you I'd be worried that you don't know exactly where I am. I could be in the back seat of your car with a ball peen hammer. I could be in your basement with a Dremel (with an assortment of bits). I could be folded into your hide-a-bed waiting for the perfect moment to silently creep up behind you in the middle of the night and shout SPLEENS! YER IT!!!!
entry # 1,840

July 8, 2003
In the corporate world, I'm the oblivious goldfish with the poop trailing behind.
entry # 1,841

July 9, 2003
Today we had a meeting in order to determine the "Official Snack of the Corporate Breakroom". After three long hours of talking and at least four seperate fist fights, it was determined that in the interest of political correctness we will endorse both Andy Capp's Hot Chili Cheese Steak Fries and carrot sticks.
entry # 1,842

July 10, 2003
It was one of those moments of illumination... sitting in that all employee staff meeting when the head honchette stated that there was a misconception among the employees. The truth is that our Corporate Core Values (Fairness, Respect, Diversity, Employee Ownership, Committment to Excellence, Integrity, Responsibility) are the very things the rank and file are to avoid if we ever wish to rise to the management.
entry # 1,843

July 11, 2003
Monsoon season isn't the best time to sun dry your tomatoes.
entry # 1,844

July 12, 2003
Knock-knock jokes make me laugh like a school girl. This doesn't go over too well with my co-workers or my wife.
entry # 1,845

July 13, 2003
Just the yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting the new female companion of my best friend. I was surprised to see that she had all of her major appendages and that her gills had somehow been adapted to breathe air on the land.
entry # 1,846

July 14, 2003
The first thing you have to master when you go bowling is the definition of the term, "bowling pins". I had the mixed up notion that anything could be a bowling pin, including juke boxes, vending machines, bowling employees and other bowlers.
entry # 1,847

July 15, 2003
I just turned down an invitation from a fellow TDJer to join his fantasy football league. He apparently was unaware that I have absolutely ZERO interest in sports and sport-related uses of time. You see, 5% of my brain is focused on music, 2% on my digestive tract, and 93% ponders why Thundercats went off the air. You see? No room for sport-related thoughts.
entry # 1,848

July 16, 2003
Poodles: They're crunchier than gherkins.
entry # 1,849

July 17, 2003
And now an unwilling guest writer culled from the jubilant ponderings of a web site only slightly older than this one.

"If trashy television was a video game, The Jenny Jones show would be the final boss."
entry # 1,850

July 18, 2003
After only 17 more operations and a blood transfusion, I will finally be transformed to the likeness of Anson Williams, a.k.a. Warren "Potsie" Weber.
entry # 1,851

July 19, 2003
Today celebrate the birthday of regular TDJ reader and future TDJ-widower Melynda Sue Davis by having your picture taken with a goat!

entry # 1,852

July 20, 2003
I have yet to make an entry about Martha Stewart, a fact that has gnawed away at me for years. Oh, the hours, nay, DAYS that I have spent trying to find something humorous about this woman, even going so far as to submit myself to the rigors of a full twenty hours in a sensory deprivation tank, which resulted in no Martha entries but did manage to give me three crankin' new EXTREME flavors for salt water taffy. I really can't divulge these flavors while my lawyer is in negotations with a reputable taffy confectioneer, but I can assure you that they would make for excellent TDJ fodder. But rest assured that they will be tasty and would cause the pseudo-cultured nose of Ms. Stewart to recoil in kind of terror that usually is only reserved for an organized dust bunny assault on the cleaning pantry.
entry # 1,853

July 21, 2003
I have no idea what I'm doing here. Please skip to the next entry and forget you ever read this.
entry # 1,854

July 22, 2003
The TDJ has received the rare e-mail from a fan... or at least we hope this is a fan. At the very least, it's a very real e-mail with an attached picture of his sizeable collection!

Dear Mr. Uri Hansgrav
The best greet from Germany !! Iím ( Winfried 26 years old ) a pigeon fancier and pigeon ring collector from Germany. I trying to find new friend in new country and people who can help me with my ring collection.
I COLLECT RACING PIGEON RINGS (bands) from the whole world and wanted pigeon rings from UKRAINA ! I collect the rings to years (Different years).
If you want i will pay for your postage of your letter and ring's or you have a wish I can fulfil !
Do not be afraid about the rings, because the pigeon rings don't wear it.
The rings are only for my collection.
I will luck forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours in the sport
Winfried Krziwon

entry # 1,855

July 23, 2003
On a recent trip to the land of TDJer Scott Lehman, a city perilously close to the Kentucky border, I learned that teeth are, in fact, optional.
entry # 1,856

July 24, 2003
After emerging from the shadows of self-denial I've finally admitted that my neighbors are zombies. It wasn't the constant moaning about the pain of being dead or their perpetual vigil on my front porch, screaming for the honor of eating my brains. No, it was the postal error that delivered the most recent issue of Zombies Monthly to my doorstep. I especially liked the recipe section. I bet I'd make a tasty Patella Stew!
entry # 1,857

July 25, 2003
I'm glad I'm not a compact disc. I mean, sure it would be fun to have lasers zooming all over me and reading my pores or pits or whatever, as long as I had a cool game or movie or album on me. That would be pretty nasty to have the "music" and image of the latest industry pretty-boy silk-screened onto your surface. But my least favorite part would be the spinning and spinning and spinning... While I could handle such orbital bliss in my youth today I'd surely chuck all over the inside of your computer, car, or home stereo system and that would cause a short circuit, possibly a fire that would consume the occupants of said computer, car, or home and while indescructable me would remain impervious to the flames, you and your family would burn like K-Mart candles and I'd end up feeling pretty guilty about the whole thing.
entry # 1,858

July 26, 2003
There's nothing like a lazy Indiana Saturday in the back yard with friends, drinkin' beer and grillin' kittens.
entry # 1,859

July 27, 2003
Just five more days until I get my molars surgically realigned in order to get better reception of the voices in my head urging me to start a hospital for the dead.
entry # 1,860

July 28, 2003
Today is the birthday of our beloved reader (one of three, including family members), "Jenny Monster". Born on a small island in the South Pacific, Jenny Monster moved to a small island in the North Pacific when she was only three years old. With her family out of work, they moved to a small island in the Eastern Pacific, which was then followed up by a series of moves to several small islands scattered along the Western Pacific finally ending up on an island smack dab in the middle of the Pacific. It was here, at the tender age of 12, that Jenny discovered her uninhabited love for marsupials (EDITOR'S NOTE: WE'RE NOT REALLY SURE WHAT THAT MEANS). Just as she was settling into her new surroundings, her roots were upended once again as her family was forced to move in order to find work. This time they ended up on a mid-sized island in the North Atlantic (near Greenland) until forced to move because of strict anti-marsupial laws. Fifty moves and fifty islands later, Jenny Monster's family settled in Santa Monica where they started a sea urchin museum for the blind. Then, she died.
entry # 1,861

July 29, 2003
I'm pretty sure that my computer has a virus. Actually, it's not really a virus. More like ADD. It just won't pay attention to what I'm trying to work on and it keeps flipping to random Internet sites like this one.
entry # 1,862

July 30, 2003
The two toughest things about my newborn child are his constant crying and my lack of sleep. But it is definitely all worth it in the end, when he finally turns 5 and I can sell him on eBay.
entry # 1,863

July 31, 2003
entry # 1,864

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Sweet, Sweet Gherkin!