July 2005
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July 1, 2005
As a father of three, I've been trying to teach the kids the importance of sharing. Specifically, that it's important to share the animal carcasses we find while hitchiking. It's the bonding moments like these that really bring us together as a family.
entry # 2,537

July 2, 2005
When you order "Fish and Chips" in the UK, you get fish and french fries. When you order it at my house, you get moldy goat cheese and orangutan droppings. Things are different in our home.
entry # 2,538

July 3, 2005
Rare birds make great gifts for your manager at the office--especially, rare DEAD, rotting birds that have been mounted to that lying scumbag's wall with a BLOODY AXE!, but I digress.
entry # 2,539

July 4, 2005
We took the kids out to see the fireworks today and I was amazed at all of "unofficial" fireworks displays going on at the show and on the way home. I was specifically impressed with the bottle rocket that nearly entered my car window as I was driving through a heavily populated residential area filled with mostly wooden houses (including my home) and bone-dry vegetation.
entry # 2,540

July 5, 2005
Filling your shoes with pancake better is SOOOO tempting...ok, I admit it. I did it, once....twice...several...OK, I DO IT EVERY DAY!!!! SUE ME!
entry # 2,541

July 6, 2005
Some days, when the stress of daily life has got me down, I wander off to the safe seclusion of a stall in the mens room on the sixth floor and dream the wild and fanciful dreams of a community college math professor. Algorithms and theorems and formulas, oh my!
entry # 2,542

July 7, 2005
When putting your pet bull to bed my vet strongly suggested not waving and snapping the bed linens to remove wrinkles if the bedspread happens to be red.
entry # 2,543

July 8, 2005
When they get out of jail pedophiles say they just want to give back to society. To that end I'm building a giant meat grinder and a diving board whereby they can give back by "donating" their hides for dog food and vegetation-nourishing bone meal. Coercion will be provided free of charge to those not willing to donate.
entry # 2,544

July 9, 2005
Seven years ago I started this here TDJ as a reaction to an interconnected, inbred group of self-absorbed, whiney online diaries that I found one day while surfing at work. "This crap is ripe for the mocking!" thought I and so I began. Years later these diaries were "discovered" by the mainstream and termed BLOGs, making this site the oldest BLOG-mocker on the planet. My anti-BLOG idea should me making me millions but instead I'm earning ten cents for every pot holder I crochet. Bitter? Naw... I'm drinking a Samuel Adams.
entry # 2,545

July 10, 2005
Last night I dreamed of SQL statements. And yes, I had to change the sheets.
entry # 2,546

July 11, 2005
The life of a travelling marmot salesman is not as easy as it sounds. Not only do you have to convince the marmots that there's nothing wrong with enslaving their own kind as pets but then you've got to convince the local legislature to allow public urination on the town square. Some days I just think I'm going about this the wrong way.
entry # 2,547

July 12, 2005
Back in my high school days, I was the leader of a crazed band of carnie hecklers. Many were the day that we would drive an hour or more to find a small town hosting their annual festival and then surround the Tilt-a-Whirl operator, making crude comments about the excessive hair on his belly until he started weeping like a school girl. A timid school girl. With braces. But one by one the members of my "crazed band" wandered away and went to college or learned the fine trade of a Grease Monkey until it was only me. One lankey guy isn't much of a threat to a hairy, grease-bloated carnie, no matter how strong his verbal skills. After a number of merciless beatings I had lost most of my teeth. Fortunately the carnies took me in and fed me cotton candy and pureed elephant ears and cherry slurpees until my shins and ribs healed. Then one day they trained me on the kiddie cars. It was magical. Flashing, blinking lights, the cars endlessly mesmerizing in their eternal rotation... I was home at last.
entry # 2,548

July 13, 2005
Yesterday at work, I found my boss crying, huddled in the corner of the supply room. The Interns in the mail room had been taunting him again, and it was definitely a sad sight to see. As he wept, the tears fell from his shiny cheeks fell onto carrels of 8 1/2 x 11 paper. Coincidentally, that was exactly what I was looking for, but I was rather embarassed for him, so I decided to pretend I was searching for paper clips instead. But I had no idea where they were, and the situation was getting rather awkward, so I quickly decided to get him thinking I was looking for the bathroom instead. I pulled down my pants and peed in the opposite corner, then left.

Actually, while I was relieving myself, I found the paper clips.
entry # 2,550

July 14, 2005
My son turns two years old today, and with it, he becomes tax-deductible in a possible e- Bay sale.
entry # 2,551

July 15, 2005
Instead of tired, old, "This Day in History" trivia, we now present "This Day in the Future, 2009."

Marvin Templesnautz, of Sioux Falls, will invent the Triple-Action Early Emu Radar Detection System (TAEERDS). I can't tell you exactly what it does, but trust me, invest early.
entry # 2,552

July 16, 2005
The fax machine at work is always causing problems. Just yesterday, I tried faxing a memo up to corporate headquarters, but somehow it went through in Yiddish.
entry # 2,553

July 17, 2005
As the temperature here in southern Indiana approaches 140 degrees, I have petitioned human resources to allow "Pantsless Fridays" at work. I figured that since I never wear pants on Fridays anyway, and everyone else might enjoy the same privilege.
entry # 2,555

July 18, 2005
My wife told me last night that I look like David Hasselhoff, and sing like Tom Wopat. Or maybe it was that I look like Tom Wopat, and sing like David Hasselhoff. I can't recall. Either way, you can tell she digs me.
entry # 2,556

July 19, 2005
The huge, global, megacorporation I work for has put in a huge, mega-offer to buy out another huge, global, megacorporation. Perhaps you've read about it in the news this week. I believe the offer was $17 per share, which isn't too bad. My initial suggestion was actually to sweeten the pot by offering the shareholders each a cup of gravy and a free six-month enrollment in the "Cheese of the Month" club, but apparently the board of directors thought it might alienate those with lactose intolerance.
entry # 2,557

July 20, 2005
As it turns out, I now live in the 23rd fastest growing county in the entire country. I'd really like to find out who got 24th so I can rub it in thier slow-growin' beards!
entry # 2,558

July 21, 2005
Today I had an oppotunity to go through an old closet at work. Honestly, I didn't even know it was there. In the back of the closet I noticed a bed sheet covering up the wall. As I slowly moved the hanging sheet to the side, a light began to shine through...from behind me. It was the security guy and he wondered what I was doing in the CEO's closet at 3:00 A.M. with a goat. Why can't people just mind their own friggin' business?
entry # 2,559

July 22, 2005
I finally hired a bounty hunter to take down a neighborhood mime that has been terrorizing my suburban neighborhood. I guess that I should have been tipped off from our meeting place in the park, his inability to speak, and his white facial makeup that he too was a mime. When my hired mime finally tracked down the terrorizing mime he pulled a "gun" from his pocket and "shot" a number of rounds at his prey, who immediately clutched his chest in mock agony and proceeded to pantomime a protracted and melodramatic death scene. Then my mime clapped joyously, the other mime got up, and they both took way too many bows to the thrill of onlookers. I've got to fine a new neighborhood.
entry # 2,560

July 23, 2005
The kids these days, they love the juice boxes. Back when I was a kid they were just starting to box juice. Before then you had to lug around a carafe if you wanted juice, and believe me, you appreciated the juice that you got.
entry # 2,561

July 24, 2005
At about the same time they came out with juice boxes Libby's tried to market gravy boxes. Or at least I wish they had. Then I could have rich, tasty gravy 24/7.
entry # 2,562

July 25, 2005
Have you ever noticed that Hollywood only likes to remake the movies that were already good (or, at least successful at the box-office). Today, I can go see new versions of Bad News Bears or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But I want to see a remake of Ishtar or Howard the Duck--and this time I want them to get it right!
entry # 2,563

July 26, 005
Meaningless filler. That's all I have for you today, my friend. I wish I could give you more, but this is all I got. Porcupine. Hot pants.
entry # 2,564

July 27, 2005
Yesterday I quit my job, left my family and finally set out in search of Mayor McCheese. Wish me luck.
entry # 2,565

July 28, 2005
I decided to come back to work. Amazingly, my job was still here. Just for fun, I walked into the main area and screamed, "THE ROBOTS ARE COMING!" but nothing happened. No one even jumped. When the robots finally came in, minutes later, and sucked up all of their faces, I just laughed while I kept myself safe and ate all of their lunch leftovers.
entry # 2,566

July 29, 2005
This is will be the first weekend for me in a long while where I don't HAVE to do something or go somewhere. As much as I know my wife would appreciate it if I devoted some time to the yard and our relationship, I'm going to see how many Slim Jims™ I can jam up my nose.
entry # 2,567

July 30, 2005
I have absolutely nothing to do at work today. So instead of staring at my computer or playing Tetris all day, I've been reprogramming the office copier to play old Bananarama tunes.
entry # 2,568

July 31, 2005
August is almost here, and that means it's uvula planting season here in the midwest. Oh, plus it's time to change the batteries in your smoke detector.
entry # 2,569