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June 1, 2004
Casper was doomed to wander the earth as a wrestless spirit with no home--but the kids digged him, so he had that going for him.
entry # 2,142
June 2, 2004
It looks like there's a good chance that we'll be getting a new urinal in our bathroom here at the office. If it does happen, we plan on throwing a party and dedicating it. I've been nominated to fill up a champagne bottle with urine.
entry # 2,143
June 3, 2004
There are some who believe that this site should just go ahead and die. Die like a neighbors cat who drank an entire bowl of anti-freeze that I may or may not have set outside next to a big hunk of tuna. But I say, we press on--even if the first three entries for the month of June have sucked.
entry # 2,144
June 4, 2004
Writing for TDJ is quite a challenge. You have to get in this off-the-wall mindset and then simply let the words and thoughts spill out onto the keyboard. Either that or you make something up about gravy and note that you're not wearing pants. It's a proven formula.
entry # 2,145
June 5, 2004
Well, the new urinal did, indeed arrive yesterday and we had a ribbon cutting ceremony, party, the whole works. Everyone lined up to test it out. However, I'm not sure that it was officially installed since it was sitting on the floor of my boss' office.
entry # 2,146
June 6, 2004
It might seem like a good idea at the time and worth the twenty bucks, but trust me when I say, "Don't volunteer for special experiments at the secret government research hospital."
entry # 2,147
June 7, 2004
If you plan on eating an entire wedding cake, don't do it just before coming into work--especially when you have to make a presentation to the Board of Directors. I'll just chalk that one up to youth and gain some valuable experience.
entry # 2,148
June 8, 2004
Since some of our TDJ staff has scaled down their writing efforts, we'll be taking some cost-cutting measures with the site. For instance, some entries will be
entry # 2,149
June 9, 2004
Did anyone else watch Venus cross the path of the sun the other day? I grabbed my binoculars and I must have stared directly at the sun for hours without seeing anything. In fact, I'm having a hard time seeing now. Everywhere I go there's this giant black dot that follows me.
entry # 2,150
June 10, 2004
Writer's Block! At this very moment I am suffering from this ailment. Not a single creative thought shoots through the synapses of my nerve fibers. Sure, there's the thought of an overweight, lemur-juggling clown riding a velvet submarine through the sausage-covered streets of New York while yodeling the theme from Barney Miller through his nostrils, but this has all been done before.
entry # 2,151
June 11, 2004
Today I painted a pony. This wasn't done with paper or even a canvass. I painted an actual pony. I used an oil-based exterior paint.
entry # 2,152
June 12, 2004
I don't pay much attention to things like the underwear that I buy. I just make sure it looks like regular underwear and that it will come close to fitting. However, you'd think that I'd notice that sometime back I must have purchased briefs sold under the brand name of "Underwear Exchange". As Dave Berry would say, "I'm not making this up." Who, in their right minds, would come up with the brand name, "Underwear Exchange" for something like underwear. I don't plan on "EXCHANGING" them at the store once I've worn them and I certainly would never want to EXCHANGE underwear with someone else.
entry # 2,153
June 13, 2004
After just a couple of weeks at my new job, I have come to the conclusion that the most efficient way to get to the cafeteria is most definitely by way of the ventilation shaft near the second floor women's restroom.
entry # 2,154
June 14, 2004
After numerous complaints from the other two contributors to this site, I have decided to break the picket lines and come back to work, adding a few entries to the Journal. I'll probably be kicked out of the union, but quite frankly I've really been struggling to get behind their fight for name-brand Beef Vegetable Soup in the vending machines.
entry # 2,155
June 15, 2004
Writing entries from home just isn't the same as writing them at work, on corporate time. Things just aren't as humorous at home, with two kids playing behind you, the wife putting away laundry, and two dead fish staring at me upside down from our tiny aquarium. That's probably why this entry isn't the slightest bit funny.
entry # 2,156
June 16, 2004
Today is my wife's birthday. Hoo-ha. To celebrate, I bought her a pair of edible underwear, a lacy teddie, and a slightly uncomfortable-looking red thong. And to top it all off, I tied the two dead fish from the aquarium up in a ribbon on the box. If I know my wife, she'll definitely appreciate the thought.
entry # 2,157
June 17, 2004
Reports, reports, reports. That's all I seem to be doing at work these days. The corporate setting isn't all it is cracked up to be. However, things did get slightly interesting yesterday when the boss asked for a listing of the 101 biggest celebrity breakups.
entry # 2,158
June 18, 2004
Flank Steak may not be the best choice to buy out of a vending machine but it had to have been better than "Week Ol' Porridge".
entry # 2,159
June 19, 2004
The co-worker next to me is going through caffeine withdrawal (again). This time he thinks he's Pat Sajak and keeps asking me if I want to buy a vowel.
entry # 2,160
June 20, 2004
I miss the Dr. Katz show... It's not that I found it any funnier than a standard issue of The New Yorker, just that all those squiggly lines made me feel better about abusing kitty litter.
entry # 2,161
June 21, 2004
Next year I'm going to give up sneezing for Lent.
entry # 2,162
June 22, 2004
A few weeks back I drove past the employement locations of the other two TDJ writers (WhirlTech and IntegralPool). Of course I didn't stop because, well, they're both complete losers and I didn't want to be seen hanging around with them. I've got a reputation as Indiana's Dorkiest Accordion/Bassist to uphold.
entry # 2,163
June 23, 2004
Yet another catch phrase that I coined that failed to take off due to pressure from THE MAN: Kiss the flatulating penguin.
Roy: Hey, Nedster. Did you hear about Vern?
Nedster: Yeah, he shoulda never axed that waitress out, man. She was WAAY over his league.
Roy: Yep, he sure kissed the flatulating penguin on that one.
entry # 2,164
June 24, 2004
My great uncle Bromine blew his family fortune following his dream to become a comedic impersonator. He unfortunately chose to specialize his actors from silent films.
Thank you, thank you... try to veal and be sure not to kiss the flatuating penguin.
entry # 2,165
June 25, 2004
Well, the've been piling up for a while, but "The Goat of Your Transgressions" has finally answered his e-mail. There are five new letters on the page. Just click on the "Goat" link above and scroll down to the letters.
entry # 2,166
June 26, 2004
Yesterday I spent two hours in training for some software that I will never use. It was a well-spent two hours, but not nearly as enjoyable as next week when I'll be in a lengthy "Wafflemaker Awareness" seminar.
entry # 2,167
June 27, 2004
Potty traning is a fun time. It has been a struggle for both my wife and I, but the kids really get a big laugh when I make a doody on the floor. Editor's note: Today's entry has been flagged by the TDJ Ratings Board. After careful review, the word "doody" has been deemed acceptable, but only if it is used less than three times per month.
entry # 2,168
Editor's note: Today's entry has been flagged by the TDJ Ratings Board. After careful review, the word "doody" has been deemed acceptable, but only if it is used less than three times per month.
entry # 2,168
June 28, 2004
My new job is actually a lot like working in a fish market. Except that I don't have to clean and gut fish all day.
entry # 2,169
June 29, 2004
My latest business venture is to cater to rich old ladies who jump on every trend. My trend is the Faux Luxuriant Uber-Exfoliating Post-Bathing towels. Of course they are just RIT-dyed burlap but they definitely exfoliate like the dickens! Right now Ruth Buzzi is on board as a spokeswoman and nothing says fancy-schmancy high class like Ruth Buzzi toweling off with a burlap bag.
entry # 2,170
June 30, 2004
Growing up, my dad had all us kids convinced that Flag Day was actually a day to celebrate the wonder of Melba Toast. When we hit Junior High (Middle school to all you young pups) we got mighty embarrassed as we learned the truth. Well, I gotta run and get ready for the annual 4th of July pork fat sculpting contest.
entry # 2,171