June 1, 2005
If you've ever thought of giving your cat en enema (or, for that matter, any unsuspecting domesticated animal or person), READ THIS FIRST.

entry # 2,507

June 2, 2005
There's no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in Meat Pie, which if you spell it backwards is Eip Team and though I'm not sure what an "Eip" is, I'm pretty sure it's inedible.
my thanks to Shaun for the inspiration. my apologies if this is a complete rip-off as i wasn't paying full attention and just got the "meat pie" thing.
entry # 2,508

June 3, 2005
For my money, Oprah really hasn't done enough for the Jewish nation.
entry # 2,509

June 4, 2005
Observe the June 1 illustration by an unknown TDJ author. Notice the chicken feet. Acquaint yourself with the roosterish hair. The results should be clear to all of us.
Yes, I think this is a chicken man giving an enema to the cat, leading me to believe that Roger drew the picture because he knows that one day the rooster populace will rise up and seek revenge upon the feline world for all the hate played towards the brothers.
entry # 2,510

June 5, 2005
I miss the Cosby show. I miss the good doctor's advice and the antics of Theo and Ruffus and that guy with the hat pulled all the way over his head so you can only see his eyes. And then at the end of the show they would air guitar a song using instruments made out of rubber tubes and tongue depressors and speculum and cotton swabs and other medical flotsam stolen from the good doctor's office while he was at the junkyard teaching Rudy and the gang elaborate dance routines.
entry # 2,511

June 6, 2005
My wife and I have spent the past month scrutinizing our finances and have come to the difficult decision that only one of us can have a pancreas.
entry # 2,512

June 7, 2005
I have somehow gotten infected with a dreaded summer cold. Seeing as how I live in Fort Wayne, Indiana, this means it will last as long as summer, which is about 1.28 days.
entry # 2,513

June 8, 2005
I've got nothing to say except that the ball on my right foot hurts like the dickens and I have no idea why. Not Charles Dickens, the famous author of a few centuries ago, but rather Ernest Dickens, a guy in the suburbs who insists on filling his fallout shelter with livestock.
entry # 2,514

June 9, 2005
Last night, I caught the first 10 minutes of "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" on UPN. Sometime about halfway through the opening credits and theme song, I felt the strange sensation that my brain cells were dying at an alarming rate. Four minutes into the program, my left leg had gone numb and I developed a strange twitch in my right nipple. By the first commercial break, hair was falling out and I lost control of most bodily functions, spewing flatulence with reckless abandon. Luckily, I was saved by my imaginary pet unicorn named Daisy who flew me to the safety of her home in the Nebulatonic galaxy. Now I live in plutonic bliss under a large fern tree, while a talking badger sings "Baby One More Time" to me all day.
entry # 2,515

June 10, 2005
As part of my vacation last week, the wife and I spent a couple of days at Cedar Point, America's roller coast. At least the overworked and underpaid ride operators informed me it was America's roller coast. Anyway, I was wearing my Bob Ross "Happy Trees" t-shirt one day, the one with the fuzzy felt afro on the front. I have never in my life been accosted by so many strangers who wanted to compliment my shirt. Who knew Bob Ross had so many fans? Everyone and his brother had to give me some story about how they used to get up at 5 AM to watch his program, and how wonderful it was. True story: On the platform for the Top Thrill Dragster, one stoner in a Grateful Dead shirt came all the way across the line just to shake my hand and tell me that I was wearing the coolest shirt ever. There is no real punchline or TDJ-style humor to this entry. I just felt the need to share my story.

Plus, it was really strange that no one commented on the fact that I wasn't wearing any pants.
entry # 2,516

June 11, 2005
My friend, Brian, and I have been working on something that we call "The Fat Twin Theory." Here's how it works. Every person on the planet, at some point, has an identical twin. The combined weight of the twins will always equal approximatly 500 pounds. So, if you weigh 175 pounds, there is a 325 pound fat guy walking around the earth that looks just like you--only a little heavier--and vice versa. Should you happen to see someone that weighs 500 pounds or more, that person obviously ate the other twin. It's proven science.
entry # 2,517

June 12, 2005
When you work in an office, you get to hear people in other cubicles/offices say some odd things over the phone. Just today I heard Barney (not making that name up) say, "Well, why would you put your baseball glove in the microwave?"
entry # 2,518

June 13, 2005
I recently heard some schmoe on NPR radio saying that the U.S. had an "unfair advantage" against the detainees at Guantanamo. You know, we were ganging up against the helpless detainees and using, by his own admission, comparably civil forms of torture to get information. I'm going to write my congressman and suggest that we start to use the same fair methods employed by these thugs... oh, I don't know... perhaps strapping some explosives and metal shards to ourselves and walking into a crowd of innocent non-military women and children? That seems pretty fair. Or how about driving a 4000 pound machine through the same crowd? So when they are out, stretching their legs in the excercise yard after a horrible meal of rice pilaf and orange chicken maybe someone will fairly plow through them with an SUV.
entry # 2,519

June 14, 2005
The TDJ staff would apologize for the previous non-funny entry... but if we did then we'd have to apologize for the majority of entries in this here journal. So instead just look at this here picture and remember that this all comes at no cost to you or your ilk:

entry # 2,520

June 15, 2005
I recently noticed that Starburst Fruit Chews has a "Guess the Mystery Flavor" game in some of their packages. I ate one the other day and I'd guess that my "Mystery Flavor" was "coffee grounds" or "discarded breakfast burrito"--but that's because I pulled mine out of the trash can in the break room at work.
entry # 2,521

June 16, 2005
Years ago, while coming out of the store, I accidentally got into the wrong car in a busy parking lot. Talk about a totally embarassing experience. How do you get out without looking incredibly stupid? Well, being the proud man that I am, I decided to save face. The keys were in the ignition and the Hispanic mom in the passenger seat, along with her three kids in the back, were only mildly hysterical. I drove off for a good 15 miles until we got to their home. I quickly adjusted to my new name, "Pedro" and in a matter of 2 years I was speaking fluent Spanish and was getting along well with my new family and extended family. One day, while working at my new job, I believe I saw the real Pedro in my car. I waved at him, but I don't think that he, nor my wife and kids even noticed me. Talk about wacky.
entry # 2,522

June 17, 2005
Walmart isn't a mecca for hardware aficionados but it IS open 24 hours. So when emergency household repairs spring up in the middle of the night it's best to take proper measurements at home and start thinking like McGuyver. For example, recently I was able to fix a failing compression fitting with three 15" red rubber balloons, a sale-priced pair of infant training pants, some epsom salts and, of course, duct tape.
entry # 2,523

June 18, 2005
A true picture from a recent Fort Wayne event. My only question is are the ponchos made FROM or FOR alpacas?

entry # 2,524

June 19, 2005
My oldest son, Joshua, turns 10 today, which we all know means he's old enough to finally learn the family trade. Once the income from his ear candling hits the family coffers we'll finally be able to afford indoor plumbing!
entry # 2,525

June 20, 2005
Another true picture from a recent Fort Wayne event. This one pretty much speaks for itself.

entry # 2,526

June 21, 2005
Last night I forgot to take off my eyeliner so when I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, I thought I was a ring-tailed lemur. Since we ring-tailed lemurs are noctural and the sun was up, I went back to bed.
This entry compliments of the lovely and noctural Melynda Hoffman. entry # 2,527

June 22, 2005
When planning your family's summer vacation be sure to swing by the Fort Wayne Gravy Pits and witness the giant mastadon replicas in a life-and-death struggle to free themselves from a simmering crater of sawmill.
entry # 2,528

June 23, 2005
There's a fat llama running around our office today. It's supposed to be some sort of a morale booster, but I find it annoying since he keeps pooping in my cube
entry # 2,529

June 24, 2005
Today the HR department had my department gather to watch a brief Powerpoint Presentation called, "Your Nosehair and You: A Guide to Proper Nose Etiquette." I thought it was odd, but not out of line with other things I've seen in corporations. However, I began to get a bit suspicious when the announcer was the guy who sits next to me and all of the pictures were of my nose.
entry # 2,530

June 25, 2005
Recently, one of my co-workers suffered a heart attack. It happened on Thursday and he was back in the office on the following Tuesday. Amazing! Needless to say, he was docked three days pay.
entry # 2,531

June 26, 2005
Right now there are a couple of "fellers" who are installing new carpet here at the office. Since most of us have cubes (sometimes refered to as "modular work stations" in company job descriptions), they've come up with a unique "jack" to lift up each one to install the carpet. While this is certainly resourceful on their part, it just makes me wonder who was the bat-headed, fat-faced baboon who came up with the idea of putting people in "cubes" in the first place. Imagine what other ideas those guys could have come up with to woo the world of industrial carpeting. I'm doing it now, and (in true TDJ fashion) I'm not wearing pants.
entry # 2,532

June 27, 2005
If I could choose any job on the planet it would probably be "Celebrity Bee-Keeper to the Stars." Since I haven't heard of a position like that, I bet it would have good job security.
entry # 2,533

June 28, 2005
The temperatures in Indiana have been consistently in the 90's for quite a few days now. I've found that if I put a pound of raw hamburger on the dashboard of my car, it's ready to eat by the time I finish work. Plus, the glove compartment keeps the mayonaise at a consistent 85 degrees.
entry # 2,534

June 29, 2005
With the 4th of July fast approaching I've been encouraged to finally complete my opera based on the life of Herkimer Grant, a neighbor of Benjamin Franklin and the nations first collector of paintings of melons. I'm particulary proud of the aria for "Oh, My Beloved Honeydew" - exquisite!
entry # 2,535

June 30, 2005
Should you ever find yourself in a unfamiliar city in a seedy-looking part of town and you turn the corner only to find yourself face to face with a lawyer do not make any sudden moves. Do not reveal that you are carrying cash or travelers checks. Simply curl into a ball and the lawyer will soon loose interest and move on.
entry # 2,536