The Daily Journal
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June 1, 2006
Now Playing : Only by Nod Arvefel
You have to be careful what you say around your kids because they'll surprise you by repeating it back at the most inopportune times. Just yesterday while at church my youngest stood up on the pew righht before communion and shouted out "YOU THINK THE PRICE OF GAS IS HIGH RIGHT NOW? YOU SHOULD SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE TO PAY EACH MONTH FOR GOSH-DURNED DIAPERS AND MONOXODIL."
entry # 2,873
June 2, 2006
Now Playing : Ty Tabor ~ Stalker
Normally I don't go out to eat at lunch (saving money and all) but I'm pretty excited about going out for Chinese today 'cause even Wednesday is Cat day.
entry # 2,874
June 3, 2006
Now Playing : Steve Hackett ~ Down Street
I wish I could put into words how much I love the rich, tangy taste of new Cool Ranch Doritos but I just lack the skills. The closest I can get is "oligarchy".
entry # 2,875
June 4, 2006
Now Playing : Ed's Redeeming Qualities ~ Virginia
The news is aflutter with the discovery of giant camel bones. Scientists are scratching their heads wondering what happened to these double-sized dromedaries but the reality is there if they would just open their eyes to see the claw scratches and teeth marks on the bones that even a child would identify as belonging to the ancient predatory winged mega-kittens that once roamed the deserts in packs before themselves being hunted to extinction by Keith Richards during the era of the Persian empire.
entry # 2,876
June 5, 2006
Now Playing : O.S.I. ~ Kicking
My great uncle died last week a broken and bitter man. Despite his tireless efforts since his retirment the theramin was never embraced by symphony orchestras in the way he felt they should.
entry # 2,877
June 6, 2006
Now Playing : Ed's Redeeming Qualities ~ More Bad Times
Some strange coincidence involving the ghost of Tesla and a 1X4X8' pine board has convinced me that I need to learn to play the saw. Due to a failed attempt at the violin (how can anyone with normal fingers play on such a teeny tiny fretboard?) I have a bow and of course since I'm a many man I have at least three hand saws to choose from (plus a miter saw, a coping saw, a band saw, a flush cut pull saw [currently dull], a circular saw, a table saw, a jig saw, a hacksaw, a pruning hand saw, a clamping mitre [borrowed and overdue for returning], an electric chainsaw, and a reciprocating saw. I'm probably missing one or two.). Doing this little exercise has made me realize that I have a very real problem and will probably be spending my time in rehab so nix that idea of learning to play the saw.
entry # 2,878
June 7, 2006
Now Playing : Family Tree ~ 3rd Matinee
If you're going out to eat this weekend, insist that the server speak to you in Klingon.
entry # 2,879
June 8, 2006
Now Playing : Echo Hill ~ 3rd Matinee
Here's a little secret for the three of you that sometimes read this page. It's October and we're still filling in the gaps. We sort of got behind when we unblogulated. That means that most of the posts for the next five to six months will be total donkey crap (except this one--one of my best ever!)
entry # 2,880
June 9, 2006
Now Playing : Echo Hill (still, see the last post) ~ 3rd Matinee
For the past few months I've gotten busy with things like work and family while forsaking the things that matter--like this Web site that no one ever reads. Needless to say, my boss was a bit dumbfounded today when I threw the keys to my company car in his face and said I was quitting to devote my full time to TDJ. It's a good thing that Panera has free high speed wireless Internet access--now if they only had a cot.
entry # 2,881
June 10, 2006
Now Playing : All The Way Home ~ 3rd Matinee
Recently, one of the TDJ writers became a golfer. There's nothing all that funny about becoming a golfer, but it's comical that he now has to wear pants to church.*
*We have no idea what that means. The other two TDJ writers wear pants 85% of the time that they attend services (not including holidays).
entry # 2,882
June 11, 2006
Now Playing : Silver Cage ~ 3rd Matinee
One of the fun things about cranking out a bunch of "filler" TDJ entries is covering your body with mango chutne sauce and running around the parking lot.
entry # 2,883
June 12, 2006
Now Playing : Trust Somebody ~ 3rd Matinee
As I listen to this 12-year-old CD while writing pointless TDJ entries, I cannot stop thinking about the fact that I cannot remember how to fre
entry # 2,884
June 13, 2006
Now Playing : Trust Somebody ~ 3rd Matinee
I suppose that since I've been listening to this CD for the past several entries that I should at least take the time to explain what it is, but I won't. However, I will tell you that Mark Ryden did the cover art for the CD (http://www.markryden.com/). His fascination with cuts of meat is to be admired by art lovers all around the world.
entry # 2,885
June 14, 2006
Now Playing : Meanwhile ~ 3rd Matinee
There are some things that simply cannot be taught. And then there are some things that shouldn't be taught because they end up embarassing tourists.
entry # 2,886
June 15, 2006
Now Playing : Gina ~ Freedy Johnston
TDJ is going to break new ground by setting trends and fashions for the world. So get this, dirtbags, bright orange Members Only jackets soaked in bread pudding are now IN! Also, socks are to be worn stapled to your ears and the latest eating craze is styrofoam.
entry # 2,887
June 16, 2006
Now Playing : They'll Need A Crane ~ They Might Be Giants
I've made hamburger meat statues of all my co-workers. When one of them gets let go or takes another job, I fry him up and secretly serve him to everyone else in the office. Here's a hint should you choose to do this: keep your meat refrigerated or frozen.
entry # 2,888
June 17, 2006
Now Playing : Tom Waits ~ Alice
More budget cuts in the construction of our new building. The fire alarm will now be replaced with a black bear kept in a constant state of hunger. At the first sign of smoke or fire the beast is unleashed, chasing all employees out into the parking lot. We had a test today and we all got out in record time... all except portly Pete in accounting who got mauled. The CEO is planning to send his widow flowers out of his own pocket.
entry # 2,889
June 18, 2006
Now Playing : One Ring Zero ~ Here Come the Mannequins
While driving to work earlier today I saw the modern day version of kick the can: Kick the Wendys fry box. At least it's better than our misguided trip through Detroit were we saw area youths playing kick the crack pipe.
entry # 2,890
June 19, 2006
Now Playing : Yngwie Malmsteen ~ As Above, So Below
Our CEO is so cheap (how cheap is he?) that he recently admitted that the free flu shots recently offered to employees and their families were actually not flue shots. The government offered him $5000 to inject experimental mollusk drugs into us and he took it. His actual words were, "Heck, Idda done it for fifty bucks and a box of Kents." At least he's honest. And at least a few of us now leave slimy trails wherever we go, which is good for tracking down managers.
entry # 2,891
June 20, 2006
Now Playing : Aimee Mann ~ It Takes All Kings
Friday afternoon... ahhh.... it's so quiet here you can hear management pinching pennies.
entry # 2,892
June 21, 2006
Now Playing : Tom Waits ~ Alice
My sump pump recently had a malfunction, causing the area rug I had in there to get wet. It started to mildew so I had to throw it away. I looked around to find a replacement but it's too pricey so instead I'm going to lay down sod.
entry # 2,893
June 22, 2006
Now Playing : Frost ~ Black Light Machine
I want to herd goats for a living but I can't find anyone willing to pay me for the honor. The best I can find is Mrs. Grannystein down the street who is willing to give me some homemade cookies if I walk her three poodles.
entry # 2,894
June 23, 2006
Now Playing : John Lennon ~ Starting Over
I enjoy the game monopoly but my wife hates it. So when my kids wanted to play I thought it would a great way to spend a few hours over the weekend. Note that my children playing are ages 11, 7 and 7. All have A.D.D. I might have it too. And my five year old decided to watch a DVD in the same room. Somewhere around St. Charles Place, when two of them were singing (different songs) and the other was under the table, I realized that it was like playing the game with occupants of the little bus. And since the three were constantly bumping the table it was like playing ON the little bus. I'm currently in a cozy white room, safe from the shoe and the thimble.
entry # 2,895
June 24, 2006
Now Playing : Lowen & Navarro ~ Pendulum
Here's a great trick to do on Election Day. Get a bunch of stickers made with an American flag and the phrase, "I farted!" (instead of "I voted.") You'd be amazed at how many people wear the stickers.
entry # 2,896
June 25, 2006
Now Playing : David Wilcox ~ Spirit Wind
I recently had all of my blood replaced with delicious CLAMATO (the only tomato drink with REAL clam juice). Now, whenever I cut myself shaving it smells like the tide is rolling in.
entry # 2,897
June 26, 2006
Now Playing : Sam Roberts ~ When Everything Was Alright
I recently had an issue with my sump pump in my basement. Basically, it stopped working and my back-up kicked on to save the day. The back-up comes equipped with an alarm that sounds so the homeowner knows the main sump has failed. This is great if you're in the house at the time. But if you're traveling (which is always the case when I have sump pump issues), you're SOL. That's why I decided to purchase the "Basement Troll 3000." This real live troll alerts me by calling me on my cell phone. However, he also charges me $25 every time I wish to enter the basement. He's a real stickler about it. I'm now looking into a Billy Goat investment. This entry is going nowhere.
entry # 2,898
June 27, 2006
Now Playing : Moby ~ Rushing
It's hard to believe that June is nearly gone again (FYI--this entry is actually being written on November 7th). It seems like just yesterday it was October--because it was.
entry # 2,899
June 28, 2006
Now Playing : Five For Fighting ~ Love Song
The one thing that managed to stick around from the TDJ blog experiment is the addition of the "Now Playing" line. The TDJ editors feel the need to convince you that we have great taste in music--even if you have no idea what it is that we're listening to. So, we look up the names of cool or hip bands and songs and include them in the entry. The truth is, I've been listening to the theme song to CHiPs over and over again for the past three days.
entry # 2,900
June 29, 2006
Now Playing : Theme From CHiPs ~ John Parker
Once a year, my entire family loads up in the mini van and makes the three hour trip from Indianapolis to Santa Claus, Indiana--home of the Holiday World amusement park. The park is not known nationwide, but it's gaining in popularity due to it's family-friendly formula and the addition of some great wooden roller coasters. On the way down, we pass other parks that are either struggling to make ends meet or that have finally shut down. These locations include, Fungus Funland, Lemur Land (closing in late 2006), and The Dry Erase Board Museum and Conference Center (Actually, this park is thriving and we might stop in next year. The smell alone from the markers is enough to make your kids as high as a kite even when you're just driving by the park.).
entry # 2,901
June 30, 2006
Now Playing : Theme From CHiPs ~ John Parker
I just found out that I'll be traveling to England, soon, on business. I've never been out of the country (unless you count California), and I'm not sure what to do. Just yesterday I bought one of those things that allow you to plug your electronic devices into their weird English power outlets. I cannot think of anything funny to say about that. It's the end of the month and they don't pay me enough to be funny all the time.
entry # 2,902