March 2006
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March 1, 2006
Well, someone has to go ahead and start entries for March, since we are three weeks behind. And that someone is going to be my pet sasquatch, Bertha.
entry # 2,781

March 2, 2006
Question of the day: Why won't they put baby back ribs in the vending machines at work? That would go great with a bag of Funyons.
entry # 2,782

March 3, 2006
You would think that after nearly 8 years and 2800 entries, the Daily Journal would have run its course. You would think that the jokes would begin to fall flat. You would think that only so many times would we be able to use the same tired punchlines involving gravy, ferrets, ponchos, or how we'll make millions for sure.

And you'd think that right now, I'd be wearing pants.

But you'd be wrong.
entry # 2,783

March 4, 2006
Keeping on the historical (and hysterical! because I'm funny!) theme of yesterday's entry, I'd like to address the issue of The Daily Journal's continued use of Tripod's free web site, which is just about as new, hip, and user-friendly as my Uncle Mervin's muscle shirts. Sure, it would be a lot easier to maintain this site in Blogger or Googlepages or TypePad or some other content-management system. But then, wouldn't everyone miss the true old-school look of this here site? And besides, we don't want to put the small marmots that provide the backbone for Tripod/Lycos's system to be out of work.
entry # 2,784

March 5, 2006
Please call your local congressman (or woman) and make sure they are voting "No" to Article 8313B. I'm a firm believer that everyone in our free country deserves gravy, but I'm just not sure if they should be offering it out of school cafeteria vending machines.
entry # 2,785

March 6, 2006
When I was just a young boy, my father told me, "Son - Always be a good boy and never play with guns." But he did say Tazers were okay, so I shot a man in Reno with one, just to watch him twitch around and drool. Because it was funny.
entry # 2,786

March 7, 2006
I still can't believe that all of the TDJ writers are in their 30s now. I'm the youngest, and I just hit 30 last month. I'm all grown-up now. And according to the two elder TDJ authors, I finally get to take on the rite of adulthood, which apparently involves a lot of duct tape, some aluminum foil, twelve quarts 10W40 motor oil, a large cardboard box, and a bottle of spicy mustard.
entry # 2,787

March 8, 2006
It's slightly disheartening to me that I have a personal, anonymous blog that I just started last fall, and it gets nearly 100 unique visitors each day... while the nearly 8 year-old Daily Journal doesn't get that many visitors in a month. But I guess it is a lot easier to attract a quick following when you appeal to the Czechoslovakian Presbyterian Grandmother demographic.
entry # 2,788

March 9, 2006
My wife Melynda asked me if the journal was dead. I told her emphatically that it most certainly was not but that we were just taking it easy. She rejoined with "What's so difficult about writing a journal entry? You say something, add two or three normal things and then make some comment about a goat or gravy." You know, she'd be right if she wasn't such a darned cute marsupial.
entry # 2,789

March 10, 2006
I think I've mentioned before that I work in a building infested with cockroaches and lawyers. The other day, while sitting on my throne and taking care of bodily functions someone rushed in and vomited violently into the sink. I could see through the crack in the stall that it was one of those lawyers. He either had some bad sushi or he just came to the stark realization that he was a lwayer.
entry # 2,790

March 11, 2006
I've been doing some extracurricular reading as of late and fear that I may be becoming a Libertarian. Or maybe I'm just coming down with Dance Fever.
entry # 2,791

March 12, 2006
Effective immediately at my workplace all coldcuts need to be reviewed, sampled, and board certified before consumption.
entry # 2,792

March 13, 2006
Hans Christian Anderson was a great author. He is remembered today mostly for his classic tale "The Ugly Duckling" but few school children have read his previous attempts: "The Flatulent Penguin", "The Irritable Donkey" and "The Buck-Toothed Marmot".
entry # 2,793

March 14, 2006
My wifey Melynda just said, "Mmmmm.... ribs and Funyions sound GOOD! I wonder if I can get some at a kiosk." Some guys are just lucky.
entry # 2,794

March 15, 2006
The long-running The Simpsons who have managed to beat the odds by being able to create season after season of excellent shows have officially decided to jump the shark by releasing a feature-length movie. Adios... it's been a great run.
entry # 2,795

March 16, 2006
I just noticed that Tripod/Lycos actually has a "blog builder." But no, we continue to refuse to admit that this is a "blog," and we do it the old-fashioned way, even if it is much more time consuming and inefficient. That's because we're old school, yo. Down with The Man.
entry # 2,796

March 17, 2006
The Goat has noticed that The Journal writers are once again more than two weeks behind in entries. [baaaahh.] If The Journal falls behind by a month, The Goat will be forced to take permanent control of this website, and will henceforth be forced to write only about his bowel movements - in excruciating detail.
entry # 2,797

March 18, 2006
Spring is finally here, and it's time for my annual jump into the famed Indiana River of Pudding. If you've never visited the midwest, this year is "banana flavored," so get in line while you still can.
entry # 2,798

March 19, 2006
I went to a friend's wedding last weekend. Weddings are always a good time, especially if the best man decides to bring along his pet chimp, and said pet chimp jumps on the back of the bride right as she's about to light the unity candle, and the bride screams and drops her candle which ignites the back of her dress. Luckily it was a Catholic wedding and the chimp subsequently knocked over a bunch of holy water, which extinguished the dress before the whole bridal party went up in flames.

I like chimps. I'm definitely going to make a point to have one at my funeral, because that would be good times.
entry # 2,799

March 20, 2006
A game of dodgeball is never quite as fun when flaming road flares are used in place of the balls.
entry # 2,800

March 21, 2006
My huge, global billion dollar corporation is acquiring another huge, global billion dollar corporation. And let me tell you, I've never felt quite so much like a unique snowflake in the blizzard of life.
entry # 2,801

March 22, 2006
I recently left a voice mail for all of engineering, telling them that what we need here at work is a robotic tater tot dispensery.
entry # 2,802

March 23, 2006
Big waxy sticks of gum are the choice of my neighborhood. You've never seen the likes of Mr. Smyth and his prancing African violets.
entry # 2,803

March 24, 2006
In an effort to raise morale the board of directors voted to install shuffleboard and curling courts next to the northern smoker's shack. We're all really stoked.
entry # 2,804

March 25, 2006
1. Wash hands
2. Open bag of potting soil, lime, and 6-20-20 fertilizer
3. Add potting soil (two or three bags may be necessary) to your tub.
4. Apply dead hobo.
5. Cover with quicklime and fertilizer (additional bags may be needed in one week).
6. Wash hands
7. Close door and windows and start digging that pit in the basement.

entry # 2,805

March 26, 2006
The good news is that the dentist said that my gums aren't receeding. According to him the bad news is that the roots were rotted and soon my teeth would turn various shades of yellow, green, and brown. But since I'm an Autumn those colors should go quite nicely with my wardrobe.
entry # 2,806

March 27, 2006
I keep thinking that The Daily Journal will slowly die and then here I am writing entries again. It's sort of like my painful, yet embarassing addiction to huffing the fumes from a bottle of Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
entry # 2,807

March 28, 2006
Quite often here at The Daily Journal the last few entries of the month will serve as filler as we've gotten a bit behind on our daily writing (or, "blogging" as the young folks now call it). Today's entry is no exception.
entry # 2,808

March 29, 2006
Look kids, Big Ben...Parliament.
entry # 2,809

March 30, 2006
It's a shame to completly waste these entries, but I'm saving up all the GOOD stuff for April. I don't want to give it away, but it's something about a goat, a nun and a four letter word that rhymes with, xylophone.
entry # 2,810

March 31, 2006
Since this is still, technically, filler material, it pains me that March is one of those months that has 31 days. I'm going to write my Congressman (who owes me several favors due to a few pictures I have of him--I won't say what it is, exactly, but it has something to do with my March 30 entry. What was I writing about, anyway? Hey....someone brought donuts!

NOTE: No more html coding for us (not that we were ever any good at it, anyway). April 1 begins the dawn of a new age for TDJ...enjoy!

TDJ Blog!
entry # 2,811