March 2002
Click here for a complete listing of entrails.

March 1, 2002
In the world of Bewitched, if Darren #1 met Darren #2, would a hypothetical question be far off? E-Mail.

March 2, 2002
While on the streets of our major cities, if a homeless man offers you the chance to "Smell me for a dollar?" I recommend you pass the opportunity up. E-Mail.

March 3, 2002
Right now in Indiana it is so cold that not only are my fingers numb, but I can't think of a proper punch line. E-Mail.

March 4, 2002
At this very moment, fellow Daily Journal writer Roger Shuman is being frisked by Federal airline employee Gus Tucker. Gus is thankful that even though he's spent lots of time in jail for stalking, peeping in windows, and urinating in public, a grandfather clause allowed him to remain employed as a federal employee where he gets to touch really high on the thighs of the members of the public. Enjoy your pat-down, Mr. Shuman! E-Mail.

March 5, 2002
As a child I was a fan of "That's Incredible!" but it was a troubled childhood due to the conception that Fran Tarkenton was actually my Aunt Fran on stilts and that she was sending me secret messages throughout the show. Thanks, dad. E-Mail.

March 6, 2002
I've got a headache THIS BIG and it's got Fran Drescher written all over it. E-Mail.

March 7, 2002
Every schoolchild worth his weight in Seuss books knows the story of fuzzy-wuzzy, the bear with no hair. The truth of the matter is fuzzy-wuzzy was a drunk and would let people shave parts of his body for drinks. E-Mail.

March 8, 2002
Silly putty is not very silly. It's more like "Amusing Putty." E-Mail.

March 9, 2002
The worms still crawl in, the worms still crawl out, but now the worms play Scattergories in your snout. E-Mail.

March 10, 2002
After thirty-plus years of life on this earth, I'm confident in saying that if you want to keep a pet fish alive, I cannot stress highly enough the need to keep said fish in a container of water. E-Mail.

March 11, 2002
I spent much of this past weekend in an unmarked car outside your house, taking detailed notes on your every activity. And after all that...
I'm sorry folks. I just can't go on with this entry. First of all, we've done it before and secondly, stalking is just plain creepy. I apologize for wasting your time.

March 12, 2002
One Day At A Time was a fine show in it's day, but I can't help but thinking that it would have been better with a wacky neighbor named "Elmer" who was constantly popping elderberries and spouting off about President Truman. E-Mail.

March 13, 2002
As long as we're on the subject of contemporary entertainment, I'd really like to propose a toast to Pig Pen of Peanuts fame. He was really an underrated guy, always put-upon by the other kids in the gang. And rumor has it that he enjoyed an occasional wheel of cheese, if you know what I mean. E-Mail.

March 14, 2002
Regarding yesterdays entry, I've just discovered that you can use the phrase "if you know what I mean" for comedic and double entendre value at the end of virtually any sentence. For example: Last night before my wife came to bed, she fed our pet prairie dog, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. E-Mail.

March 15, 2002
While it's generally the rule that the Daily Journal authors don't critize each others entries (we're just happy to have yet another day complete and quality be darned), I just have to say that for that last two entries, Scott is a big fat poopy-head, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. E-Mail.

March 16, 2002
Before yesterday, I had no idea that corn chips played such a pivotal part of the aero-space industry, if you know what I mean. E-Mail.

March 17, 2002
The best part about growing older is trying to guess which body part hair will sprout from next. E-Mail.

March 18, 2002
My methane production is WAY up today. E-Mail.

March 19, 2002
When it comes to the size of your vocabulary, some are under the impression that it's the length of the words that matter. Ask any librarian and she'll tell you that width, or breadth, is the real key to a fullfilling speak life. E-Mail.

March 20, 2002
This morning I poured a bowl of CocoaPuffs and doused the whole mess in chocolate milk. MAN, WHAT A RUSH! Forget Extasy and your other party drugs, THIS IS THE BOMB! E-Mail.

March 21, 2002
All your base are belong to us. E-Mail.

March 22, 2002
When you fish for microfiche, be sure to use really small hooks.
Jeesh! I can't believe I'm leaving that one in there, let alone admitting that I thought it up... but it's just another day at Das Daily Journal!

March 23, 2002
I can't wait until Lent is over and I can get back to watching films that star Whoppie Goldberg. E-Mail.

March 24, 2002
I remember this one time my dad told me this story about a fish and some guy where they ended doing something with some goats. I think the goats were small were medium sized and, I think they were grey or brown. I cannot remember. But isn't that a great story. Believe it or not, my dad tells it even better than me. I guess we're both pretty gifted raconteurs.E-Mail.

March 25, 2002
Before today I was unaware that I could fit 42 sugar cubes into my mouth. E-Mail.

March 26, 2002
Today was supposed to be the big day, the day I wrote an incredibly funny journal entry, one that would make you start with a giggle and then as the many ramifications set in, eventually leave you a puddle of quaking guffaws. But that was before the tragic incident involving my grandmother, a crate of Jiffy mix, two amorous ocelots, Charlie Sheen, Ernest Borgnine's masseur, and a deck of Uno cards, may God rest her soul. The doctor always said that she would never survive a second indicent of that kind and try as we might to protect her, I guess he was right. E-Mail.

March 27, 2002
The only thing better than biscuits and gravy is a biscuits and gravy parfait. E-Mail.

March 28, 2002
The last entry about "gravy" got me thinking... the best part about eating IS the gravy. I mean, gravy is king! Forget the mashed taters and all those other culinary acoutrements, GIVE ME GRAVY! VATS OF IT!!!! SAWMILL, CHICKEN, TURKEY, BEEF, LAMB, VEGAN, REDEYE, PORK, GIBLET, HAMBURGER, MUSHROOM, SOY-VIDALIA, CRACKED-PEPPER, LOBSTER, ITALIAN TOMATO, DUCK, GOAT, CHILI, SHRIMP, WHITE, CREAMY, SHERRIED CIDER GIBLET, HAM HOCK, and RED-WINE MUSHROOM. E-Mail.

March 29, 2002
In the future, lint will be the official currency, which means that with my pants I'll be able to buy and sell you like a can of soup. E-Mail.

March 30, 2002
Ok Daily Journaliers, write this down...
Tree Bark
Battery Acid
Inch Worms
Candle Wax
All are NOT, I reapeat NOT part of the secret herbs and spices of Kentucky Fried Chicken. But you can't blame a guy for trying..IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"

March 31, 2002
Yet another month of entries in the can, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN! E-Mail.