March 2003
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March 1, 2003
I aspire to be Jerry, would settle for Kramer. Please don't let me be a George but my friends probably think of me as an Elaine.
entry # 1,744

March 2, 2003
There's sort of an unwritten rule that if you are in public and somehow accidentally make a noise that sounds like a fart, you must make every attempt to repeat it so that no one actually thinks you have farted. On the other hand, should you accidentally fart, you make no noise whatsoever and pray that no one actually heard it.
entry # 1,745

March 3, 2003
Sometimes I look at the cat and wonderwhat it would be like to have his carefree life. He moves and sleeps when he wishes. If he doesn't feel like using the litter box on occasion, he uses the bathroom wherever he pleases. And he has no problem hacking up a disgusting fur ball anywhere in the house. But then I realize that I cannot waste time thinking about such trivial things. I'm busy trying to figure out where the remote for the TV is without actually getting up so that I can have my mom hand it to me when she returns from the store with a new box of Depends. Besides, I've only seen this episode of Maury Povich three times and something may have shot out of my mouth during my most recent belch.
entry # 1,746

March 4, 2003
Well now I'm totally depressed. He's been dead for more than three days and Mr. Rogers STILL hasn't risen from the grave. I mean, aside from the wicked sweaters and imaginary friends the man was just a bit too Christ-like.
entry # 1,747

March 5, 2003
It has been brought to my attention by alert reader Phil Yerkup that the previous entry, while a bizarre attempt to pay tribute to a childhood hero, was not only offensive but also slanderous and possibly heretical. Our work here is done.
entry # 1,748

March 6, 2003
Recent tests have indicated that the music of Nirvana played on the banjo causes sterility in lab mice.
entry # 1,749

March 7, 2003
I am so jazz-hands right now! I just put a paltry $39.95 (plus international shipping and applicable taxes) on my credit card for an exciting new product that promises to triple my pancreatic pleasure in under thirty days.
entry # 1,750

March 8, 2003
So far my 2003 resolution to become "more creepier" has gone by the wayside as I've resorted to my natural personality of "dorkier". However, to placate my current single status I plan to grow a nice set of man boobs by bikini season.
entry # 1,751

March 9, 2003
I should be working. The big project currently on my plate isn't due until the end of the month but I'll need to pace myself to get it done on time. Which is why I'm writing yet another filler entry six days in advance. It was either fritter my time away in this manner, surf for more pictures of Calvin DeForest in a loin cloth, or scotch tape all my orifi closed.
entry # 1,752

March 10, 2003
Keebler Elves are not just for breakfast anymore!
entry # 1,753

March 11, 2003
Long-time readers will remember that the punchline "not just for breakfast anymore" was used twice in 1999, January 15 and August 13, if you want all those nitty gritty details (not including the "Best of" 2002 page which included the August 13 entry). Even new readers will recognize this entry as yet another feeble attempt to pad out the month.
entry # 1,754

March 12, 2003
Your ad here.
entry # 1,755

March 13, 2003
100% Natural Viagra: A Trophy Wife Twenty Years Your Junior
entry # 1,756

March 14, 2003
Recent archeological finds strongly suggest that Caesar Augustus was not a strong swimmer.
entry # 1,757

March 15, 2003
One month ago today was MesquiteBoy's birthday. Stare at his perfect beauty for a spot of good luck!

entry # 1,758

March 16, 2003
Kids these days and their 1045 free AOL hours don't know how good they have it! Back in MY day, years before all the landfills closed after overflowing with unused AOL discs, we were lucky to get TWENTY free hours! Harumph!
entry # 1,759

March 17, 2003
There's nothing quite as disturbing as the volume of my life which spans ages 10 through 19. Oh, the many lurid nights spent with glossy color photos of Shields and Yarnelle...
entry # 1,760

March 18, 2003
We don't usually take the time here at TDJ to delve into the more important topics of our day (unless, of course, you count Shields and Yarnelle glossy photos), but sometimes we need to break the rules. There's so much going on in this world today that it's becomming more and more difficult to ignore it as we write our witty banter. Take, for instance, the situations in Iraq and North Korea. How much longer will our country attempt to be the world's police organization? On the other hand, what price should we be willing to pay for the freedom we enjoy and the freedom of the rest of the world? Does world hunger play a role in all of this? What about poverty? What I'm REALLY trying to say is that I like ice cream. I could probably eat ice cream every day and gain literally hundreds of pounds. There's just something scrum-diddaly-freakin-licious about ice cream.
entry # 1,761

March 19, 2003
Cher is in my cubicle and refuses to leave until I sing "I Got You Babe" with her.
entry # 1,762

March 20, 2003
Sometimes I forget that my wife can understand pig Latin.
entry # 1,763

March 21, 2003
I love Velveeta(TM).
NOTE: Velveeta is a registered Trade Mark of Kraft Foods and should not be confused with any of those cheap-cheeked rip offs like the ones the big grocery store chains put their names on. We all know that none of them taste like the REAL Velveeta and that's because they don't have the secret recipe which may or may not include goat urine, three teaspoons of Taster's Choice Instant Coffee and the hair of a deceased yak.
entry # 1,764

March 22, 2003
We were ahead
Now we're behind
Go suck on
A melon rind.
I know this entry's
Really lame
But an entry's an entry
All the same.
entry # 1,765

March 23, 2003
Smell my breath, it reeks
Love that gal with chipmunk cheeks
On Eraserhead.
entry # 1,766

March 24, 2003
In all honesty, I'm just not that motivated to write yet another journal entry today, folks. You see, I've written nearly the entire month with nothing but a sea bass and so, I shall introduce a snippet from a letter from new TDJ fan, Melynda (pronounced 'gwa-va') "Serial Killer" Davis:

" tripped on the small wrinkle in the carpet of the hall you fell and twisted your ankle then hit your head on the started seeing things and thought this short guy walking beside you was an ape because his toupee was so furry and you really like apes so you grabbed ahold of his leg and it scared him because of that thing that happend to him when he was he was running but your watch was stuck to his hem on the moss green trousers and......"
entry # 1,767

March 25, 2003
To increase our productivity the managers at work have decided to place chimps on catwalks above our cubicles, chimps that have been trained to watch over us and if any employee is seen surfing the net or generally not being as productive as possible, to screech, leap from the catwalk onto our persons, and leave "presents" on our keyboards.
entry # 1,768

March 26, 2003
It's my birthday today and dag-nabbit, if I want to wear Speedos to work and tonight's church board meeting and nothing else, it should be my prerogative.
entry # 1,769

March 27, 2003
You know you're hopelessly past the age of innocence when you can hold a conversation with another parent on the artistic merits of the first Digimon movie over any of the Pokemon movies.
entry # 1,770

March 28, 2003
When I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes used as a set prop in a dwarf-porn internet movie. Set realistic goals, people.
entry # 1,771

March 29, 2003
For my next entry I'll need a volunteer from the audience.
entry # 1,772

March 30, 2003
In the current economic environment you hear a lot about displaced union and factory workers but who will cover the plight of the unemployed hired goons?
entry # 1,773

March 31, 2003
I think enough water has passed under the bridge that we can safely re-introduce "KISS MY GRITS" back into the catch-phrase population.
entry # 1,774

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