May 1, 2002
Sure those "Making of..." specials are really keen but for some real niche cinema, try "The Making of 'The Making of...'" specials. E-Mail.

May 2, 2002
There just aren't a lot of naked pictures of Barry Manilow out there. E-Mail.

May 3, 2002
As I approach my 75th birthday (in Jupiter years), I ask the inevitable question: what if I had been born on Uranus? E-Mail.

May 4, 2002
Editor's note: the easy "Uranus" joke has now been used once in the history of The Daily Journal, and shall never be used again.

The wife and I have been watching a lot of "Trading Spaces" on TLC network lately. If I was going to have my own TV show, it would be a lot like that one, except that it would probably involve going into someone's house while they aren't home, and filling their bathroom with Jello figurines shaped like Jean Stapleton E-Mail.

May 5, 2002
My job would be a lot better if it didn't require so much selling the public on the joys of ritual self-mutilation. E-Mail.

May 6, 2002
I have found it hard for co-workers to take me seriously now that I've changed my name from Roger to Veronica and had the stapler implanted to my elbow. But who needs office companionship when I can staple like the wind! E-Mail.

May 7, 2002
I work in marketing, and I'm not totally convinced that "Milk Duds" is a great name for a product. I think it's just one that managed to stick. Imagine someone coming up with a new SUV called "SUV Dud." It just doesn't have the zip. E-Mail.

May 8, 2002
Every morning when I wake, I take a shower and begin the ordeal of putting on my face. Don't get the wrong impression. I'm not a lady and I DON"T wear make-up. However, ever since the coffee grinder/shaving incident, I've had to literally "put on my face" every morning with some twine and a hot glue gun. E-Mail.

May 9, 2002
I am Jack's journal entry. E-Mail.

May 10, 2002
When attempting to diagnose an illness, just be careful about looking up "swollen glands" on ye olde worke internete connectione. E-Mail.

May 11, 2002
We at The Daily Journal welcome your suggestions on how to use the word "shammie" in a non-sexual manner. E-Mail.

May 12, 2002
Taking a cue from Marilyn Manson's band, my friends and I decided to dress like and name ourselves after classic Hollywood women. There's Liza Manelli on the drums, Judy Garland singing, Julie Andrews on bass, Ethel Merman on rhythm guitar and Barbara Streisand on lead guitar. Only a few months old we've gained a tremendous following of decorators and hair stylists, almost 100% male for some reason. This weekend we have a gig at some place called The Blue Oyster... wish us luck! E-Mail.

May 13, 2002
I'm seeking venture capitalists to fund my latest business: Rent-To-Own Breast Enhancement centers. E-Mail.

May 14, 2002
From the cranium of Carolyn Noyes:
While I don't think people should write their autobiography until after they're dead, I do have a working title for mine: "Incomplete Bitch". Get it? Cause I'm not a complete bitch.
At least, I don't get that a lot.
Lately. E-Mail.

May 15, 2002
I'm pretty upset over the fact that when I search for "Goat Transgressions" on www.google.com that our site comes up third. Who else has a genuine Goat of Your Transgressions?. E-Mail.

May 16, 2002
Before I train people at work I inform them that I am dyslexic and that they should do the opposite of everything I tell them. E-Mail.

May 17, 2002
Panda bears:
Endangered?
Yes.
Tasty?
Oh... MAMA!
E-Mail.

May 18, 2002
On a whim, I just tried to login to Der Jernal from work, and lo and behold, the firewall gods have allowed me access. You know what this means? That's right, it's time for the Dance of Inanity! Or, as it is known in some countries, the Senseless Jig.
E-Mail.

May 19, 2002
Although they don't have signs posted at the entrance indicating such, pants are definitely NOT optional at eight of the ten museums in Fort Wayne, Indiana. E-Mail.

May 20, 2002
I've been rubbing Bloussant(tm) on my face for a week and my smiles have never been perkier. E-Mail.

May 21, 2002
There are many things I would like to learn before I die but the exact number of elephant placentas that I can shove into my mouth is not one of them. E-Mail.

May 22, 2002
I've taken to spending my mornings learning obscure Austrian bird calls. E-Mail.

May 23, 2002
If I were on a teleconference with you right now, I would inform you that I harbor a secret love for small orange pastries. E-Mail.

May 24, 2002
We've decided to CASH IN on the Internet porn sensation here at The Daily Journal. Our new groundbreaking form of porn goes even farther than the stuff you see online today. This stuff might not even be legal. CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT WE MEAN! E-Mail.

May 25, 2002
In an effort to raise a little extra money to supplement our income, my family has started renting rancid yellow liquids by the hour. Please contact me if you're interested. E-Mail.

May 26, 2002
I've been going through a difficult trial in my life and one thing that has helped me is a pamphlet that I received from the government. It's called, "You and Your Large Floppy Ears" and it's really helped to heal some old wounds. Now if I could only find a pamphlet called, "You and Your 15 Inch Protuding Elephant-Like Nose." E-Mail.

May 27, 2002
I just did a search on Google. for "Stupid Things You Can Do With a Fork" and came up with NOTHING! E-Mail.

May 28, 2002
As a parent with young children, I get to spend a lot of time at the local zoo. I've now come to realize that with some simple outpatient surgery and a promotion to managerial level at work, I, too can become a full-fledged baboon. E-Mail.

May 29, 2002
Dresses are like powerful electic hand saws. At least, that's what I told my wife when I brought her one home for Mother's day. E-Mail.

May 30, 2002
I just found THIS today. Who knew? E-Mail.

May 31, 2002
We never finished the month of May. E-Mail.