May 1999

May 1, 1999
Well, much to our surprise, we are not the only Daily Journal/The Daily Journal site on the web. Take, for example, this site at Here we learn about what some guy ate ALL-DAY. I only wish there was more. In fact, I'm sure that most of you would be interested in just what one of our our own TDJ writers eats in a given day. Therefore, we've provided the following:

Corn flakes, bowl of oatmeal, small rodent (mole? not sure), sprig of parsley (blackened), Saskatchewan baby seal antlers with cream, glass of hot fat.

The same.


Three pounds of Oyster half shells (just the shells for their calcium)

Corn flakes, bowl of oatmeal, small rodent (mole? not sure), sprig of parsley (blackened), Saskatchewan baby seal antlers with cream, glass of hot fat.

I know what you're thinking, "How boring! They always eat the same thing."

May 2, 1999
Sam Kennison sure was a lot funnier back in 1989 than he is now, what with being covered with that velvety green mold and all.

May 3, 1999
Today we celebrate the genius of Mr. T. Arthur Nackie, the man who first proposed that lap dancing would be much more enjoyable if the dancer did not wear clogging shoes and swing a live crocodile by the tail during the performance.

May 4, 1999
My wife wanted to have "Ave Maria" by Schubert played at our wedding. I personally am not a big fan of Mr. Schubert but like any good marriage, we compromised. I can still hear the lyrical strains of Schubert's "Das Erlkonig" galloping through the church as the bridesmaids walked down the aisle.

May 5, 1999
If you haven't experienced the sheer ecstasy of bathing in butterscotch pudding and giraffe innards, well, let's face it, you haven't lived. I indulged myself in that very luxury four times yesterday. And my skin is baby-soft, let me tell you. And a strange greenish-yellow color.

May 6, 1999
Well, according to our trusty web statistics, we received our first hit from Hong Kong the other day. I'm not sure what to make of this, but it appears that either we've gone "big time" or someone's "Asian Girl Porn Site" is pointing to the wrong URL. Either way, we'll take the hit.

May 7, 1999
Here's a little something I picked up from my days in the music business. Songs about squirrels with spastic colons RARELY, if ever, make big hits. Stick with love and all that other crap.

May 8, 1999
In honor of our new banner with the emu (no, Tom, it's not an Ostrich) I've decided to devote this day's entry to a great poem I found on the Internet from an American emu farmer. It's amazing what can be done when one just puts his or her mind to it. READ THE EMU POEM NOW!

May 9, 1999
I was just thinking: if I was stranded on a deserted island (first of all, if I was there it wouldn't be deserted), what would I want to have with me? For those of you who ponder this very question, I have come up with a list of those "essentials," that every stranded-on-an-island person needs:

1. Biking shorts.
2. Peanut butter. Crunchy.
3. Latest issue of TV Guide.
4. Saran wrap.
5. Pumpernickel loaf.
6. A Ukulele.
7. Large supply of 3/4" lugnuts.

May 10, 1999
Feeling sick lately. Just took a large dose of foul-tasting medicine. Read back of bottle:

"Contains: Acetaminophen, Pseudoephedrine Hydrochloride, Dextromethorphan Hydrobromide."

Below that: "Kids will love its pleasant grape taste."

May 11, 1999
Thanks to that wacky Noah and some of the mistakes he made with the whole Ark deal, drunken anglers will never know the delight of reeling in a "Medium Mouth Bass".

May 12, 1999
My anniversary is quickly approaching. I think this year is my "paper" anniversary. Or perhaps it's sandpaper. Or wallpaper. Or papier-mache. I'm really not sure. In fact I better figure it out darn quick, so I know whether to get my wife a belt sander or paste. Wait, now I remember. It's driftwood. Never mind.

May 13, 1999
I spent the day at a local fair!

May 14, 1999
When I was young, my father used to smear grape jelly on my knees and lock me in the hall closet. Then he'd let our black bear loose and we would see how long it took the bear to find where I was, break the door down, and eat the jelly. Oh, the memories. It's time like these when I look back, smile, and really appreciate the advances made in prosthetics.

May 15, 1999
Yup, it's getting to be that time of year. The time of year when we get the swimming trunks out of the closet, break out a six-pack, and the neighbors once again begin to ask, "Why does he insist on walking around the neighborhood wearing nothing but that asparagus necklace of his?" Yup, I can smell it in the air.

May 16, 1999
If only new refrigerators came plentifully stocked with all your favorite food and beverages. And internal fax machines.

May 17, 1999
My crystal ball has just alerted me that Dirk Benedict ("Face" from "The A-Team") is planning a major Hollywood comeback.

May 18, 1999
If I had been the czar of Russia 100 years ago, I would have made sauerkraut and kumquats the "national foods" of Russia. And dachsunds would have been the national pet. Also, I definitely would have made the yellow-throated warbler the "national bird." And if anyone disagreed with my totalitarian views I'd have them shot.

May 19, 1999
Wednesday. Hump day. I wonder if camels know that we call Wednesday "hump day." I bet they'd be surprised. Them and porn stars.

May 20, 1999
If I was George Lucas, I'd have Don Knotts star in the next two "Star Wars" prequels, because he'd make a darn good space hero.

May 21, 1999
You know what I'm doing today? I'm livin' la vida loca. And I'm having a darn good time.

May 22, 1999
Hickory Smoked BBQ Beef Brains on a Keiser Roll. Just occured to me. I think I'll set up a booth at a local festival and sell 'em by the pound. I'll make millions for sure!

May 23, 1999
This weekend I drove out into the country, past the suburbs, past the gas station on every corner, past the concrete and steel. I drove until the houses were few and the roads turned from pavement to stone. I pulled off onto a side road, more dirt and weeds than a road, really. I got out of my car, walked along the rusty barbed-wire fence, and sat down in the shade of an ancient Elm tree. As I looked up at the china blue sky and the clouds lazily drifting by, I thought about what Bob Hope must look like naked. And I smiled quietly to myself.

May 24, 1999
Lately I've been contemplating why Franz Kafka didn't write more children's books.

May 25, 1999
Well would you look at this? Someone has snatched up the URL that we've been holding out for! If you all keep sending in your donations (rodents in small denominations please), we can buy it from them very soon. In the meantime, I'd be interested to find out exactly what kind of journal is called "The Brief Times Reporter."

May 26, 1999
Deep within the many folds and creases of my massive brain are the electrical impulses firing in precise order so as to cause me to ponder the significance of Linda Tripp, a can of refried beans and an ostrich. I'll spare you all the details.

May 27, 1999
Ok kids, I just checked the counter thingy and now we've received hits from Japan, Hong Kong, New Zealand and this place called Canada. I'm not too sure about this place, Canada, but my dad told me it was just a suburb of Alaska where we train all of our professional hockey players.

May 28, 1999
Keep in mind this Memorial Day weekend: As you drive out to the family's lake cottage and light up the barbecue to sear large quantities of animal flesh, there really is nothing like pickled pigs' feet on an asparagus bun. And for dessert: warm, stale beer mixed with prune juice. It's the Freshmaker!

May 29, 1999
Back in 1963, my wife Beulah Lynn and I were cookin' up torillas on a bunsen burner in front of our tent, when a vision of Art Carney appeared to us (you know, Ralph Crampton's little buddy? He was the one who worked in the sewer). Well, he appeared to us, and it changed our lives. He said that I was to be the appointed, anointed and disjointed prophet, sent to heal his people. But then later I discovered that I was just dreaming. It always happens happens after I eat the Super Weinie Supreme from Wally's Weiner World.

May 30, 1999
You know what my grandfather would be saying if he were alive today? "Help, help, let me out of this box, let me out of this box!"

May 31, 1999
Today, we remember the men and women who have fought and died for our country, our way of life. And we also remember that peanut butter doesn't work as a roofing adhesive, no matter how much of it you paste on the back of a shingle.