November 2002
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November 1, 2002
Today's SECRET WORD is taters. Tell everyone on the planet and their pet chickenpeople. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 2, 2002
Apparently the chickenpeople do exist and they will not be mocked. I was awoken at 3:42 Saturday morning by a pecking on my door. Groggy as I was, I opened the door without checking through the peekhole first. In burst a brood of chickenpeople, cackling loudly at me because of my unintended mockery. Since they have no arms they couldn't do much except poop all over my furniture and lay the eventual egg (of which I was still "discovering" Monday morning). After my initial shock and panic, I went around the place, putting their bizarre human heads under their chicken wings where they immediately fell asleep. Which is all to say that I've got this gigantic pot of chickenpeople soup at my place so feel free to stop by tonight. Bring your own spoon. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 3, 2002
If a chickenperson knocks on your door, DO NOT invite them in. Although not known for their thirst for blood, they are similar to vampires in that they cannot enter your abode without a proper invitation. But once you allow one in, all of his/her/it chickenperson relatives, down to fourth cousin twice-removed, are allowed free reign in your house. The only way to banish said chickenpeople is a personal visit by the pope or Funkmaster Flex. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 4, 2002
Should a chickenperson deposit an egg on your homestead, under no circumstances should this egg be hard boiled, scrambled, or used in a recipe for custard as doing so will result in a very uncomfortable elbow rash. Nine out of four gourmets agree that poaching is the only proper way to prepare a chickenperson egg. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 5, 2002
It may seem like a bit of light-hearted fun... until someone loses a limb. Never tease an angry hoard of chickenpeople with empty paper towel tubes. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 6, 2002
There's a town in Eastern Alaska called--you guessed it--CHICKEN. I think this is where the chickenpeople originate. Stay tuned for more (although, I'm not sure why). SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 7, 2002
Be VERY afraid!


November 8, 2002
One of the chickenpeople, let's just call him "Larry", has contacted us here at TDJ regarding our recent interest in them. According to Larry, not all chickenpeople are deserving of the reputation that we've reported this month. Some chickenpeople have been known to hold down jobs and raise families (where do you think chickenpeople come from?). Furthermore, Larry told me of several chickenpeople in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan who are making significant contributions to mankind (and chickenmankind). It was refreshing to hear something positive and I was about to thank Larry for taking the time to talk with me when I realized he had eaten all of my Oprah magazines and pooped on my sofa. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 9, 2002
What is it with our current obsession with chickenpeople? Some of you, our valued readers, have been asking us this question. These little fellers are very interesting and we just feel compelled to write about them. Ironically, words cannot truly desribe these little creatures. Well, I take that back. Words like "freaky" and "wacky" do a pretty good job of describing them. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 10, 2002
I promise not to write about chickenpeople today. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 11, 2002
The Shiny Lizardmen are a bit distraught over our insensitivity as we have consistently ignored them in favor of writing about the more socially acceptable Chickenpeople. We apologize as we sincerely believe that you are all strange and generally icky. Furthermore, we are usually easily perturbed by anyone who is "different." Let's face it, different is not good. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 12, 2002
I'm really racking my brain trying to figure out what to say about chickenpeople today. Perhaps we've said enough (or more than enough and then some). However, this "brain racking" thing is something else. Anyone can do it and all you need are some do-it-yourself electrodes (two forks and some old speaker wire), a convenient electrical outlet and a waffle maker. My brain is really responding to the stimulus. For instance, I just spent the last two hours convincing my supervisor that I'm a yak and deserve to be treated like one. Mango. Mango. Mango. I like pie. The best solution to a small kitten is the egg yolk mechanism, times four. Mango. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 13, 2002
Earlier one of us inferred that chickenpeople laid eggs. Recent research has shown this to be incorrect. It is now proven scientific fact that chickenpeople lay other chickenpeople. Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Tip your waitress and try the veal! SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 14, 2002
I was recently pulled from my comfy cubicle at work and put into a small conference room with an HR person. It seems that some of my earlier comments were overheard by others and deemed insensitive to chickenpeople, many of whom work in our accounting department. So now I have to undergo sensitivity training, on my own time. How was I to know that "get plucked" was an offensive term to that group? SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 15, 2002

November 16, 2002
Top Ten Things NOT To Do When Confronted By An Angry Hoard of ChickenPeople Incensed At Your Lack of Sensitivity:
10. Giggle like a school girl
9. Do the chicken dance
8. Offer them soup... you know the kind
7. Curl into a perfect sphere and proclaim yourself "King of the Lava-Lamp Union Local #329"
6. Gum
5. Do your impersonation of Solicitor General Theodore Olson
4. Bask in the glow of your own chocolately goodness
3. There is no number 3
2. Uh, Larry
1. Read to the bottom of a cheesy top ten list

November 17, 2002
Perhaps it was subconscious, this chickenperson thing, but here are two images from pre-2002 historic chickenpeople:

Name the sources of these pictures for $300 and control of the square!

November 18, 2002
My proctologist, a second-degree chickenperson transvestite, drives a Probe. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 19, 2002


November 20, 2002
My pants were involved in a grease fire. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 21, 2002
I like to shave in my car. I have a hard time with the shaving cream, and I've managed to cut myself up several times, but it's such a time saver. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 22, 2002
When the pressure is on at work, I don't pretend to be someone that has all the answers. I pretend to be a circus midget. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 23, 2002
Not many people know that the chicken people have caused more than a few deaths here in the Midwest. Chicken people are usually non-violent in their natural habitat, but they have been known to become aggressive when provoked. So remember, if you ever encounter a chicken person in an Afghani cave, the best thing to do is to drop your trousers, bend over, and make ferret noises like there's no tomorrow. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 24, 2002
My personal feeling is that if we all had a life supply of pancake syrup, this world would be a much better place. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 25, 2002
I have an allegory for cats. I sneeze whenever I tell it.
Thanks, or blame, goes to the actors commentary on the DVD version of 321 Penguins - The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka.

November 26, 2002
A friend of mine has turned his back on all that he was brought up to believe and he needs your prayers RIGHT NOW!!! He no longer has faith in The Muffin Man and seriously doubts the existence of Droory Lane. SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 27, 2002
To quote a wise sage, "PISS OFF, SINNER!" SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 28, 2002
The perfect gift for the holidays..."Sweatin' to the Oldies II - Now with 25% more Sweat and Older Oldies!." SEND US YOUR GUM!

November 29, 2002
Here it is, the day after Thanksgiving and most of the western world is out buying stuff or sleeping off turkey hangovers. This also includes two members of the TDJ staff whom I shall not mention. I'm not bitter. Instead I'll complete the month with two entries that shall never be read by the great majority of people who are buying cheese logs today, a journal entry that is so bland that the only thing that could possibly redeem it from the pit of mediocrity is yet another mention of the dreaded chickenpeople, and even that won't guarantee that it will go over well in Scandinavia.
Okay... here goes nothing...
If only I never had that tonsillectomy when I was twelve my lymphatic system would be complete!

November 30, 2002
In an attempt to get into the Christmas mood I'm listening to lots of Christmas albums and getting a tattoo of Santa on my left breast. SEND US YOUR GUM!