November
1998
November 1, 1998
Yesterday was Halloween. My wife and I went around the block with our son as he
hit our neighbors up for candy. Of course, being the protective parent that I am, I have
to test each piece of candy to ensure that it isn't poisoned, and they make those candy
pieces so small that there usually isn't anything left after I taste it, but at least I'm
keeping him from harm.
November 2, 1998
A faithful reader once asked: How can I fix my camcorder with stuff around my
house?
Our lengthy reply:
As for the camera, sounds very much like all you need is (and you KNEW a list was
forthcoming): .25 ml Isopropyl alcohol, 2-3 cotton swabs (known is the business as
Q-tips), one freshly sterilized rhino, a map of India with a scale of 1 cm = 10 miles, 2
pints chicken livers or gizzards, a bar of soap (travel size), scrapings from the left
side of Jeff Gongaware's uvula, one pack stool softeners, 3/4 pounds of loose change.
Okay, now, if you open up the camera where the tape goes in (using the Jaws of Life can
help) you may or may not see tiny dwarves inside. Have the freshly sterilized rhino run
into you until you see the dwarves. Put some of the isopropyl alcohol on the cotton swab
and clean the head and, more importantly, the metal cylinders on either side of the head.
These are both named Earl and like to have the tape to stick to them. Okay, after you've
done that, stand four feet away from the map of India. Stare at the map without blinking
for 14 minutes or until you get a hankering to eat the chicken entrails. Eat the entrails.
Eat the soap. Throw everything else away.
November 3, 1998
Today I saw a sunset for the first time in over a year... I mean, just sat and
really watched it. And it made me realize just how much I love mocking the people around
me.
November 4, 1998
Never underestimate the ingenuity of the American employee when it comes to
avoiding work. At my office, we have managed to implant a tracking device under the scalp
of our ever-present super-toady administrative assistant (we don't have to worry about the
manager because they are in meetings 86% of their time, the remaining 14% being spent in
conference calls). Each employee is equipped with a sensor that lets us know when the
toady is near, thus giving us time to log off the internet or close out of Solitaire.
November 5, 1998
We just got notice today of the "Holiday Gathering". Translation:
Forced After-Work Socializing. I was unable to attend the function they had this summer
which means that I will almost certainly have to attend this event. When I even suggested
that I might try to beg off, a coworker gasped in horror. "NO ONE HAS EVER ATTEMPTED
A DOUBLE OPT OUT BEFORE!" And sadly, I realized that it was true. Such greedy use of
my personal time would not be looked up lightly here.
November 6, 1998
Once, long ago, in a land far, far away, during the rainy season, just after
dinner but before Wheel of Fortune, next to the telephone and behind the eggplant
dispenser, there was a little boy named Earl.
November 7, 1998
Sometimes things that happen in this world don't make sense to us humans. For
instance, I've spent the past ten years trying to figure out what magical forces are at
work inside my refrigerator magnets.
November 8, 1998
I'm not so sure that this will make me the most popular man in America, but I
sure do love them Hanson boys.
November 9, 1998
I have strange feeling that I have written this before. It's sort of like that
"day ja voo" stuff that the Psychedelic Friends Network gal used to sing about.
Weird.
November 10, 1998
I have strange feeling that I have written this before. It's sort of like that
"day ja voo" stuff that the Psychedelic Friends Network gal used to sing about.
Weird.
November 11, 1998
Um, if I wanted to tell the world that I had a problem, do you think this would
be a good place? (at least, for the five of you that occasionally read this) Ok, I'm going
to do it....I'm addicted to postage stamp glue. I started out by volunteering to lick
stamps for people around the office, and then it turned into a neighborhood thing. I now
have a two truckloads of mail each day that I am responsible for. My DNA is now all over
the world and there's nothing I can do about it. I refuse to send e-mail until they figure
out a way to incorporate the stamp glue sensation into the experience.
November 12, 1998
I don't care what the tabloids are saying. I am NOT having an
affair with Lisa Marie Presley! Laura, if you're reading this, come home to your
honey bear! It was all lies! We only had coffee and talked about you!
November 13, 1998
I have been pondering some pretty important things in my mind these last few
months...global warming, the BATF, Medicaid, the balanced budget and...holiday mascots.
You know it seems to me that Christmas and Easter have a pretty good thing going with
Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, but there are a lot of other Holidays out there that
don't have mascots or mythical figures. Currently I am drafting legislation to change all
of this (forgive me for being a name dropper, but I know a guy who's a janitor at the
Lincoln Memorial). I could use your support and your ideas to make sure that this
important legislation gets passed. In fact, I'm hoping that this can be adopted into the
newest version of the Contract With America--Contract II: With A Vengeance. My first
targeted holiday is Memorial Day. This thing is right around the corner and here we are
again without a mascot. What will the retail arm of our economy do during this dry period?
Wal-Mart needs something they can stock their shelves with for boys and girls all across
the country. I was thinking of "Memorial Guy". He's decked out in pastel
fatigues, army boots and a big puffy pastel helmet that makes a squeaky noise. Kids love
squeaky noises and they could associate the squeaky noise with the holiday. Parents could
wake their kids up on Memorial Day morning with the squeaky "Memorial Guy" noise
and then they would get up to eat the traditional Memorial Day breakfast (pepperoni-filled
hot pockets and soup). Then the family would open up their Memorial Day coconuts to find
yummy black licorice and pastel rock candy inside. Finally, the evening would be capped
off with a glass of pastel colored beer (nonalcoholic for all the boys and girls, of
course) and a big piece of Memorial Day fruit cake (they really need to sell more
fruitcake in the summer months). With all of this celebrating and hoopla, maybe we will
finally forget what Memorial Day is all about--just like Christmas and Easter! Enjoy the
fruitcake and Happy Memorial Day! What can you do to help? Contact your legislators and
tell them that you want Memorial Guy, today! Accept no substitutes!
Click here for the US. House of Representatives
Click here for the U.S.
Senate
Click here if you actually contacted your
Representative of Congressman on this important matter.
November 14, 1998
TODAY THE JOURNAL ASKED JAYZUN HUFFMAN ABOUT HIS "BIG PROGECT": My big
project consists of researching the reporting needs to five lines of business in regards
to quoting various types of insurance, conglomerate all that into one system, and write
about what this system should do so that we can give the report to people in programming
who will look it over and tell us how much they want to charge to program the system.
Sure, it sounds high-level and that is the problem. It is well above my current
skill/experience level but it fell to me regardless. I do plan to ask the programmers to
put in a version of Dig Dug that only I can play. Otherwise, I spent the rest of my time
trying to devise way to smuggle out office supplies.
November 15, 1998
THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD!
I've never been big on the "sliced bread" thing. In fact, I wish I could buy
Wonder Bread unsliced so that I could just tear it off in chunks. Furthermore, I'd like to
open up a chain of sandwich shops where we'd use chunks of bread instead of slices. The
name of it could be "The Knifeless Deli" and we'd stay true to our name by not
cutting anything with a knife. Sure, the chunky, asymmetrical sandwiches, filled with messy
bits of torn-up meat and bruised vegetables would fall all over your lap, but the gimmick
would keep people coming back again and again and again. I'll make millions for sure.
November 16, 1998
I'd like to bring up yet another topic for on-line discussion, if you will--soup!
Now, as many of you already know by now, I am a great fan of soup. I usually consume soup
twice a day and occasionally as a snack. My shelves are lined with soup. I am a member of
the Soup 'O The Month Club. I belong to several social clubs devoted to the
preservation of our soup heritage. I have been known to inject soup directly into my veins
(man, you've never had "soup" until you've had a "soup rush"). If
there is soup about, I am there. This brings me to my question: In a recent add campaign,
Campbell's warns us all to "Never Underestimate the Power of Soup". To some of
you, that may seem like a pretty powerful statement, but in all of my years of
"souping" I have never underestimated the tremendous power potential of soup.
Face it, soup is lethal. To ask someone to never underestimate the power of soup is like
warning a beaver about the dangers associated with the gnawing of certain hardwood trees
(in particular, the walnut tree which can give even the toughest of beaver teeth a trip to
the dentist or emergency room). This is soup we're talking about! Soup! I have seen some
pretty scary things in my lifetime associated with soup. One boy, let's call him Mr.
Hoffman, was devastated when he underestimated the addictive power of Campbell's
Cream of Celery. Another young man, let's call him Jason H., once got carried
away with a 16 ounce can of Progresso that he purchased on sale (watch Wall mart--sometimes
they have great prices on soup). What was supposed to be an innocent evening of dancing
with elves turned into a violent elven bloodbath. Do we REALLY underestimate the power of
soup? I, for one, do not!
November 17, 1998
|
ANOTHER ONE FROM THE ROAD:
Yesterday I parked next to beat-up car with a bumper sticker that read, "IT'S HARD TO
BE HUMBLE WHEN YOU OWN A TIBETAN SPANIEL". Well, I got to thinking about that last
night. In fact, I spent several hours pondering it and came to the same conclusion. I'm
not sure that I could live with myself if I owned one of those little stuffed rats. I'd be
so filled up with egotistical hot wind that I'd have to look in a mirror 12 hours a day
and then record my self while sleeping so that I could play it back later. |
November 18,
1998
I stayed up late last night reading, "Peaceful Kingdom: Random Acts of
Kindness by Animals". I went to bed full of newfound love and appreciation for the
creatures that God allows us to share this earth with. I got up this morning and went
downstairs, but before I could turn on the light, I stepped on one of those outlet safety
covers that my cat loves to bat around. The two prongs went right into my foot, and my
goodwill toward animals went right out the window. THEN, www.snopes.com runs the legend
about people who bring back stray dogs from places like Mexico only to discover that they
are actually rats, not dogs. THEN we had a couple of good laughs about Jason's cat, String
Cheese. THEN he forwards me the football story (and no, I'm not shouting at you). But I am
more than happy to change the theme to gravy. I'll take my lumps.
November 19, 1998
The long anticipated Frog Sale is starting
this week! The Red ones are 30% off!
November 20, 1998
|
ANOTHER READER KNOWS HOW TO WRITE (truly
amazing!):
Just recently discovered the reason why we sneeze sometimes. Did you ever notice that
along the middle division of your nose (septum) it is relatively flat? Somehow boogers
that form on this flat plane are what we call "disc boogers". That is - they are
roundish, thin, fairly flat and usually harder than the average juicy booger from the
middle of your nose. When these "disc boogers" dislodge and start to orient
themselves sideways................BAM!! You sneeze like crazy.
It's as simple as that. |
November 21, 1998
Hey there. What's with the sad face? Pep up! That's an order. Pep up before I
come over there and twist your goofy face into a pretzel. There. That's better.
November 22, 1998
One time as a child I can remember gazing at an apple orchard as we drove by. The
sun was setting just below the tops of the trees and with my window cracked open I could
smell the crisp apples like they were right under my nose. The red light barely pierced
through the trees creating a silhouette of leaves and apples against the autumn sky. Then,
dad flicked his cigarette butt out the window which managed to get sucked back into my
lap. The hot ash burned right through my skin and I was rushed to the emergency room. To
this day the smell of an apple pie has a one in five chance of throwing me into an
epileptic seizure.
November 23, 1998
Today would be a good day to smack someone really hard. Then, look at them funny
and say, "Oh my golly. What did I just do?" Chances are that if you know the
person well enough, you'll get away with it. You can try this with a few different people
as long as they don't have a chance to talk to each other that day. But here's a hint:
don't try this stunt on the same person more than once. You're only asking for trouble.
November 24, 1998
It might not be a bad idea to keep a lamb liver around, just in case you need it.
November 25, 1998
Ok, so will somebody tell me what I'm supposed to do with SPAM/ Surely they don't
expect me to eat this stuff....right?
November 26, 1998
In case you didn't figure it out, today is Turkey Day. Turkey Day always brings
back memories of...turkey...for some reason. It's a little known fact that the Pilgrims
did not actually eat turkey on the first Thanksgiving. Instead, they ordered out for
Chinese food. I think they had General Tsau's Chicken.
November 27, 1998
I have decided to start my midlife crisis now, even though I'm only in my late
20's. The way I figure it, I can get away with more crap now that I'm still young and
don't know any better.
November 28, 1998
The technicians that work here at The Journal, Inc. have been testing our site
for Y2K problems. Rest assured, when January 1, 2000 finally rolls around you can all
still read the journal, as long as you can read Mandarin Chinese.
November 29, 1998
If I could be any kind of butter I wanted, I would choose "salted".
November 30, 1998
November is one of those wacky months with only 30 days. I'll bet that extremely
organized people have a big problem with our months. February is the toughest time of the
year for the anal-retentive.