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November 2, 1999
Today I spent a good portion of the day scrutinizing various memos, forms, legal papers, and the 1/6 size replica of Yoko Ono that I've glued to the front of my computer screen. E-Mail.
November 3, 1999
It's autumn, and love is in the air. There is also a strong aroma of ham salad coming from my desk, and I believe there seems to be a hint of hollandaise sauce emanating from the next room. E-Mail.
November 4, 1999
Interesting fact I picked up today-- about 1,150 years ago, there was a female pope! "Pope Joan" reigned as Pope John VIII until her true sex was exposed when she gave birth during a procession near the Coliseum, at which time she was stoned. There's nothing really funny about that, besides the fact that the same thing happened to my Aunt Ruth last Thanksgiving. E-Mail.
November 5, 1999
Sitting on a bench by the brook, I was brooding over my badly burnt but still buttered blueberry bagel when Bob's brother Billy hit me in the back with a buttercup. It was at this point that I realized alliteration was a tool of the devil. E-Mail.
November 6, 1999
Personally, I'm not opposed to personal hygiene. However, there's something nice about the fragrant smell of feet which have been wearing the same pair of musty army boots for the past seven weeks. Amazingly, it clears your sinuses right up. E-Mail.
November 7, 1999
There's nothing wrong with being different. Here at my office, we encourage it. That's why I'm wearing this thermos that's been permanently glued to my forehead. E-Mail.
November 8, 1999
In a strange but true turn of events in the last official convention of the United States Manners Association, it has become "officially" polite for men to curtsey when ordering from fast food restaurants. I don't make this stuff up, I only report it. Thank you. E-Mail.
November 9, 1999
In today's dog-eat-llama business environment, there are three things that you must remember to be successful:
1. Live lobsters do not necessarily belong in your pants
2. Dancing with every person that enters your office area is not only encouraged, it's expected! Dance away you dancin' fools.
3. The more you give, the more you get (as long as you do it while other people are watching).
4. The monkeys did it. Always blame the monkeys. E-Mail.
November 10, 1999 I'm lost at words for you/ as I sit and stare/ My llama likes sausage/ but he has no hair/ I contemplate my cravings for cheese loaf/ I run away/ I sneeze anyway/ Did I ever mention how much I enjoy mulligatawny?/ It's soup/ Usually of chicken stock/ Seasoned with curry/ My llama cares for it a great deal It may not look like a top 40 hit, but once the bagpipes and oboe kick in, it's the bomb.
I'm in the process of writing a new song:
I'm lost at words for you/ as I sit and stare/ My llama likes sausage/ but he has no hair/ I contemplate my cravings for cheese loaf/ I run away/ I sneeze anyway/ Did I ever mention how much I enjoy mulligatawny?/ It's soup/ Usually of chicken stock/ Seasoned with curry/ My llama cares for it a great deal
It may not look like a top 40 hit, but once the bagpipes and oboe kick in, it's the bomb. E-Mail.
November 11, 1999
I've decided to run away to Tibet and be a monk. I think it will be really cool, because I like how those monks cut their hair. Or maybe I'll just get a haircut. I'm not sure yet. E-Mail.
November 12, 1999
Tweed underpants lined with Llama fur. E-Mail.
November 13, 1999
You know where a great place to go for Thanksgiving would be? Turkey. Because I bet they are really thankful there. E-Mail.
November 14, 1999
I've been teaching my Mom a little bit about the internet lately. I started off with the basics, like how you can do a simple search for what you are looking for on search engines (like Google!), and now I'm teaching her more advanced techniques, like how your computer can make toast and catch small rodents. E-Mail.
November 15, 1999
I started out this day the way I normally do. I got up, smeared my entire body with marmalade and hopped on the train to go to my alien telepathy seminars I teach at Motel 6. The only thing I forgot was that this was Monday. I go to WORK on Monday...the office...duh!...and on Monday I'm supposed to use apple butter because my boss likes it with his muffins. E-Mail.
November 16, 1999
Once you've decided you want to be a penguin, there are only a few simple steps you need to take...
1. Penguins like the cold. Make sure you live in the right climate or have access to a powerful refrigeration system in your area.
2. Penguins like fish. If you don't have an ample supply of fish nearby, you're going to have trouble surviving.
3. Penguins love to swim. You'll need an icy cold body of water like an ocean or lake nearby. However, you can substitute a pool as long as you have plenty of room and leave the heat off.
4. Penguins are small, black & white, flightless birds. You will need a LOT of reconstructive surgery. Make sure you get a surgeon (Note: that's "SURGEON" and not "STURGEON" which applies to my second step.) who's REALLY good. You might ask a few of your friends who've already gone under the blade. Remember: it's one thing to make a nose, but it's quite another to make a beak and matching penguin parts. Also, consider donating the organs that you'll be throwing away and remember that the leftover flesh can be frozen and used for soups.
Good luck and see you at the South Pole! E-Mail.
November 17, 1999
I recently turned thirty years old and, as is customary, I found myself reflecting back on my life and thinking about the time that I have left. After much heartfelt introspection and meditation (about ten to fifteen seconds, tops), I was able to conclude that I really need to give Chicken McNuggets™ another shot. E-Mail.
November 18, 1999
Since I have young kids at home, I have become quickly educated on the Pokemon phenomenon that is sweeping our country. Now, for all of you parents, I have put together a quick guide to "who's who in Pokemon".
*POKEMON - Pokemon is a little yellow guy that likes to poke stuff. Basically, he spends most of the show poking others and sometimes causes bodily injury.
*PIKACHU - This is the Japanese expression used to bless someone after sneezing
*"GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL" - This expression is the basic theme of the show. The idea is for the main characters to catch every disease known to man. As of this entry, three of the four main characters had successfully contracted shingles and were licking decaying squirrels in hopes of catching rare vermin diseases. E-Mail.
November 19, 1999
Most of us naively choose to believe that Polish Sausage was actually concocted in Poland by sausage makers and then imported to all corners of the world. However, it's a well known fact in the sausage biz that Polish Sausage was created by three Hungarians who were trying to develop a novelty exploding hotdog. E-Mail.
November 20, 1999
Vampire bats are well-known throughout the world and it is common knowledge that their name was derived from the fact that they do, indeed, suck blood. However, other lesser known bats with logically derived names are far more interesting:
*Vealsmoking Bat - Yes, the bat that actually flies into grocery stores to steal hunks of veal for pure smoking satisfaction may not be well known, but he sure is interesting.
*Asian Tweed Bat - This bat's fur resembles the sports jackets often worn by university English teachers.
*Mongolian Magic Hat Bat - Mongolia's only native bat is known for it's odd shaped head that resembles a magician's hat. A similar species found in remote area of the Great Lakes in North America is known as the Abraham Lincoln Bat. E-Mail.
November 21, 1999
When I was a kid, all I ever wanted to do was play basketball. This obsession quickly consumed my life and by the time I reached high school I was playing 6-10 hours a day. Amazingly, I never got any better with all of the practice and was eliminated after the first cut when I tried out for my high school team. Looking back, I think it had something to do with the fact that I observed the "pure" or original form of the game. I would insist on using wooden peach baskets over the new fancy webbed-nylon "baskets" attached to a metal rim. In addition, I preferred the traditional nine-on-nine format using a soccer ball and long gray trousers--just like Mr. Naismith created it back in 1891. I also insisted on swearing profusely during every second and surgically attaching live furry rodents to my earlobes. E-Mail.
November 22, 1999
Well, the contest is over folks. Thanks for all of your entries and we'd like to congratulate our "Write Your Own TDJ Entry" winner, Gern Blanston from Terre Haute, Indiana. Here's Gern's Entry...
"Hay MAN. You guys SUCK! What in the @#!! is this site anyway? Where are the picture of the girls? Do eckspect me to actully read this stuff? It crap, man. Why don't you make a sight with some really good pictures or something?" E-Mail.
November 23, 1999
There's a right way and a wrong way to say "I Love You" and a platter of shaved ham is definitely one of the former. Some things you just gotta learn the hard way. E-Mail.
November 24, 1999
I'm watching the guy in the cubicle across the hall from my pick his nose. His back is to me as he reads his monitor, picking, picking, picking. Now his glasses are off and he is rubbing his eyes... now his temples. Now he's removing his shirt and... wait a minute! I'm not at work! How did I end up at a Chippendale's performance? E-Mail.
November 25, 1999
I am thankful for beans. All kinds. Lima, kidney, wax, string, navy, soy, coffee, pinto, pink, great northern, red kidney, cranberry, black, white, faba, snap, green, and the exotic blue-podded runner. I'm thankful for lentils too. E-Mail.
November 26, 1999
I've been very sick with the flu this week, so I've been home from work. It has given me time to really contemplate things, to reflect, and I've decided that being sick is a lot like owning a ferret. Except that when you are sick, you vomit a lot and eat chicken noodle soup, and when you own a ferret, you get hours of furry, rodent delight. E-Mail.
November 27, 1999
Back when I was in fourth grade, I started wearing a poncho. At first, I'd just wear it outside during a heavy rain. However, it was only a matter of weeks until I began wearing it outside all the time. By the time I was in Junior High School, I was wearing my poncho during class and at social events. My friends and my family warned me that it was becoming a problem, but I couldn't see it. Soon I was wearing it non-stop and began insisting that others wear them. Mom and dad would get pretty upset when I would insist that house guests put on a poncho before entering our home. There's no real punch line or meaning to any of this. It's just a peek into the sick little world that I live in. Are you wearing your poncho? E-Mail.
November 28, 1999
Around my office, there's a lot of "water-cooler" talk about the things going on in our organization. I suppose that I'm just as guilty as anyone as I regularly sit by the water cooler. Just yesterday, I told one of my co-workers about how the water we drink is actually purified at treatment plants. Call me a gossip, but I went on and on for hours and I think I may have offended her because she doesn't come around the water cooler any more. In fact, since I've been sitting here every day (with breaks for lunch, of course) no one has been coming around the cooler. I think they are actually getting drinks from the faucet! I wonder if they are talking about water at the faucet? I gotta get in on this! E-Mail.
November 29, 1999
Before this 1900's close out, I want to take a few minutes to salute the guy who invented Velcro™. There have been many inventions that have revolutionized the world (e.g. the Salad Shooter™ and The Clapper™, but we already know about the impact these technological wonders have had on our civilization), but none have had more of an impact than the magic that I call Velcro™. Who would have thought that two strips of synthetic material fastened to the back of my 90-year old great-aunt Althea would have the strength to keep her from leaving the bed. Now I have more time for monster truck rallies and back episodes of COPS. Thank you Velcro™!!! E-Mail.
November 30, 1999
Curious about my past, I recently began a quest to unearth my ancestral heritage. While I have heard of others who dug up civil rights heroes, revolutionary war veterans and even royalty, I have only managed to come up with a few guys that each owned more than 300 goats and a woman known for her ability to diagnose shingles with the help of only a broomstick and a box of moldy cheese. Hey, it may not seem like a lot to you, but it's my family and I'm passing these traditions on to my children. E-Mail.