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October 1, 2004
My affinity for parsley has been well documented. However, what is not known among the midwestern academic elite is my strong penchant for gravy brownies.
entry # 2,264
October 2, 2004
I have a 10-year high school reunion coming up. It's really quite exciting, if you think about it... all of those people I haven't seen in so long. I'm most curious to see how Herman, the class clown, turned out. Unlike most class clowns, Herman really was a clown. The teachers were always tripping over his big clown shoes, but his squeaky red nose made me laugh during Calculus class on more than one occasion, let me tell you. He always wanted to start his own clown school after he graduated. Now that I think about it, I think I heard that he died of a massive arterial embolism. So he probably won't be there anyway.
entry # 2,265
Now that I think about it, I think I heard that he died of a massive arterial embolism. So he probably won't be there anyway.
entry # 2,265
October 3, 2004
At work this week I've decided to start growing and cultivating giant cabbage under my desk. The smell is a bit odd, but it's a great conversation-starter in staff meetings.
entry # 2,266
October 4, 2004
My city's big annual street festival is going on this week. The smell of greasy food, the dangerous rides, the streets overflowing with teenagers and adults. It's all very exciting, but none of it compares to seeing Melvin, the hideously disfigured, quadruple amputee, skin-grafted carnie. He usually mans one of those booths where you can win a goldfish by tossing ping-pong balls into cups, and he never hesitates to bob for a couple of the fish when he gets hungry. I have to admit that it is pretty entertaining, but it's usually best to keep small children away.
entry # 2,267
October 5, 2004
This year instead of carving pumpkins my family will carve canned hams.
entry # 2,268
October 6, 2004
As this month is National Men's Health month, it shall hereafter be known as Proctober.Contributed by the Noyes household.
entry # 2,269
October 7, 2004
My family watched a little bit of the vice-presidential debate last night. Overall I thought Cheney seemed more calm, cool and collected. 'Course, maybe he has to be that way because of his heart.Contributed by the Noyes household who feels sorry for us being so far behind.
entry # 2,270
October 8, 2004
I will be starting a new job soon. The decision to change wasn't initially an easy one but once I learned that my employer has a hot chicks room it was a no-brainer.
entry # 2,271
October 9, 2004
As part of my new years resolution of expanding my experiences I've decided to take an evening/weekend job as a rent-a-cop. I'll be manning my post just inside of TJMaxx just as soon as I grow a pencil mustache.
entry # 2,272
October 10, 2004
Mott the Hoople was responsible for many classics hits during my youth including "All the Young Dudes" and ... um... well, they wrote a lot of hits. The point of this entry is that... um... well, I don't really have a point. I just like to say "Mott the Hoople."
entry # 2,273
October 11, 2004
If you are wondering why we are a week behind on our entries -- All three of The Daily Journal's regular contributors have started new jobs within the past six months. We like to take a little bit of time to prove ourselves to our new employers - hard work, long hours, no random Internet surfing. For instance, it's only after I've gained my boss's complete trust that I explain my penchant for assorted jellies and my disturbing gum-eraser fetish.
entry # 2,274
October 12, 2004
I think I've now used the word "penchant" in at least two entries this year... Well, no, now that would be three.
entry # 2,275
October 13, 2004
Just got back from a quick lunch at Hardee's. Apparently, Hardee's is known as Carl Jr.'s in some areas, primarily the west coast. I just learned this fascinating piece of information yesterday. I really don't get out much. It was much more surprising to see that Dairy Queen is actually called "Liverspot Larry's Frozen Treats" in some parts of Montana.
entry # 2,276
October 14, 2004
In case you were wondering, my high school reunion went well earlier this month. Yes, there were lots of people I hadn't seen in 10 years, and yes, most of them drank way too much. And yes, I did show off my dance moves I recently picked up from watching "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo."
entry # 2,277
October 15, 2004
I believe our ruse has finally been discovered. The jib is up. The three of us on TDJ staff (Wiley, Cabo, and Smervin) have not actually started new jobs, but rather, we've moved to Saskatchewan and started a cult. In fact, as I write this, Jason (aka Cabo) is praying to the Golden Emu of Melancholy. He also is wearing yellow lederhosen, but I'm pretty sure he was doing that before we moved here.
entry # 2,278
October 16, 2004
I feel like I'm getting sick, and I'm pretty sure it's scabies that I contracted while I was feeding my neighbor's goat last week.
entry # 2,279
October 17, 2004
Two dozen donuts: $10.59
Fifteen novelty hats: $36.15
Humiliating your employees by making them wear said hats to create a "fun" atmosphere while attending mandetory Saturday training: priceless
entry # 2,280
October 18, 2004
Well, it's me...(whatever my name is--Smervin?). I don't think I've contributed to TDJ in well over a month. This is what happens when your world is turned upside down after eating 25 cow brain sandwiches on a dare.
entry # 2,281
October 19, 2004
Reporting from my new job...the guy a few cubes down from me (let's call him "Slacky Slackerson" just for fun and because I LOVE alliteration) used the expression, "that's cool" about six times during a conversation only minutes ago. I've notified Human Resources.
entry # 2,282
October 20, 2004
One of the things I've been doing in my newest gig is reading all of the trade publications for my industry. If you've never been introduced to the wonderful world of literature that is trade publications, then I invite you to read
Industrial Product News. Just today I received a PERSONAL e-mail message from "Ruth Gross"--something I'll treasure for the rest of my life.
entry # 2,283
October 21, 2004
There really are a LOT of interesting trade publications out there:
Parking Today - Darn near everything you've ever wanted to know about parking...today.
American Cemetery - "Each issue features the latest industry news..." I'm pretty sure that most of their beat writers work for the mafia.
Meat Processing Global - Personally, I have to visit this one every day just so I can click on the "World Meat Update" button. I've always been a sucker for meat-related news.
entry # 2,284
October 21, 2004
This is too easy...a few more trade publications, then we'll start talking about ferns.
Australasian Dental Practice - Can't decide between reading about Australian Dental Practices or Asian Dental Practices? Now you can read about both.
Midwifery Today - "Everything you've ever wanted to know about midwives sent to you monthly.
Packaging Week - I cannot wait a month for the latest in packaging news. I need it every week. That guy down the street is gonna come up with a fancier packaging peanut and I want it before he gets it!
Rug News - If you're like me and you LOVE RUGS, you'll want to read about rugs while you're lying on your favorite rug in your room devoted to rugs.
entry # 2,285
October 23, 2004
One of the worst things about starting a new job is not having any vacation time for 60 days... but in my case my employer made an exception and made it 90 days.
entry # 2,286
October 24, 2004
Airport terminals are no longer the best place to practice twirling your gun.
entry # 2,287
October 25, 2004
Although he doesn't know it, I'm mounting a Jihad against the systems guy. Imagine the look of surprise on his face when I show up in the server room covered in sticks of dynamite.
entry # 2,288
October 26, 2004
If I was going to be so stupid as to blow myself up just to kill other people I would at least make sure that the plastic explosives were sculpted such that it looked like I had amazingly ripped abs and killer pectoral muscles.
entry # 2,289
October 27, 2004
It's about one week until great masses of mind-numbed people elect a candidate that will influence this country and aspects of the world for the next four years. Of course with one whole week it's much to early to actually dig into the facts and elect people based upon logical decisions so let's watch a few more reruns of "Friends" and belive all the offal Dan Rather cares to feed us.
entry # 2,290
October 28, 2004
Quite a bit depends on the election this year so it's important to get out and vote regardless of your stance. Of course if you live in Ohio and are more against one candidate than you are for another candidate it's important to vote early and vote often. Voter fraud is, after all, the American way.
entry # 2,291
October 29, 2004
Six days until the election and weezul lawyers are counting down like it was Christmas. Of course, I'm neither a weezul nor a lawyer. I'm a board-certified Botox injection specialist who assists weezul lawyers in wiping those smirks off their snerks.
entry # 2,292
October 30, 2004
Watching Rosanne isn't nearly as much fun after I found out that DJ was actually a trained, shaven chimp.
entry # 2,293
October 31, 2004
As you go about your Halloween celebrations, just make sure you don't hit the Entrails Hut buffet too hard. Yes, the Personal Pancreas is tempting and the Cadavertini is delightful, but do your best to restain yourself.
entry # 2,294