October 2005
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October 1, 2005
Well, it's the first day of October--which reminds me, will someone please wake up Green Day?

October 2, 2005
Thanks to a new feature in the latest version of HTML we're proud to offer the entire month of October to you...LAMINATED!

October 3, 2005
It turns out that I can digest dairy products. I'm NOT lactose intolerant. However, due to a traumatic incident I had as a child with a wheel of provolone I'm still very much "lactophobic."

October 4, 2005
Well, here it is the fourth day of the month and this TDJ writer is carrying the load. That's ok. I think that the other two guys, Larry and Regis, have carried the site for the past few months. So, it's time for me to step up and make something happen. You, the readers, both of you, are counting on me to make you laugh and forget the fact that your stupid job is just a meaningless exercise that you perform every day like a muppet in a cage and that you'll probably get fired, anyway, because you can't do anything right and the company is poised for a big downsizing that has YOUR NAME written all over it. So, laugh it up.

October 5, 2005
My company has a lot of checks and balances. And by "checks" and "balances" I mean that everyone must agree to have a red check mark tatood on their rear end while balancing on one leg on a tight-rope. It's a pretty hostile environment.

October 6, 2005
Today I decided to fill my car with ham while it was out in the parking lot. No, wait...that wasn't my car. Oh well. I filled a car with ham and it just MIGHT have been my boss's new BMW--that lying backstabber!

October 7, 2005
On this crisp fall morning I was sipping on a cup of hot cappucinno on my porch while a Monarch Butterfly landed on my knee. It would have been a beautiful moment had it not been for the fact that my great uncle Herb was violently swarmed by Monarchs, causing him to run and fall into a pit full of poisonous snakes and vampire bats. So, when I saw the gentle creature, I immediatly poured the scalding hot cappucino on my leg and suffered third degree burns. The Monarch flew away unharmed--just waiting for another opportunity to cause pain and misery to my family.

October 8, 2005
As far as I know, I've never been officially allergic to anything--which makes me quite jealous of those who are. So, in a never-ending quest to find SOMETHING THAT I'm allergic to, I now rub everythng I see all over my body and then record the results. The current report is much to long for me to go into detail. However, I can tell you that I'm NOT allergic to butter, my neighbor's vinyl siding, new Dodge Vipirs on the car lot and my aunt's new waffle iron.

October 9, 2005
Infants are cute and very attentive, but they're not smart enough to know when you're making fun of them. However, their parents usually figure it out and no longer invite you to lunch.

October 10, 2005
October 10th is "Columbus Day" here in the United States. It's a very special day when we cebrate a man who "discovered" the New World (just 400 years after the Vikings discovered it) on accident when he thought he was sailing to the East Indies. If this is the criteria for honoring people with holidays, I should get something for last week when I accidentally "discovered" that my neighbor's wife doesn't plan on making me pancakes when I sleepwalk into their kitchen at night sounding off my boat horn.

October 11, 2005
I'M SO EXCITED!!!! The new fall Vera Bradley line is out and not only do they have some wonderful new patterns but they have finally released their signature Vera Bradley colostomy bag. Mmmmm... quilted goodness.

October 12, 2005
Last night I dreamed that we put up a pretty border along the top of our in-ground swimming pool. But we don't have an in-ground swimming pool. And we don't have a house. Or a we. It's just me living in this wet cardboard box. Just me and my imaginary friend, Chester the giant hamster. I love you Chester.

October 13, 2005
That severed human head had no right floating in the toilet like that... but I put it there anyway.

October 14, 2005
Choosy mothers choose Jiff but the rest of 'em are just fine with pimento loaf.

October 15, 2005
I learned, on day 37, that my purpose involves maraschino cherries and carnuba wax. And something about Steve Erkel but I was somewhat distracted by wanting to finish my soap carving of Rick Warren.

October 16, 2005
I woke on on this Monday morning and rushed downstairs so as not to be late for work but ended up tripping over a mass of plastic wrappers and nearly skewering my leg on tiny forks. From my vantage point on the floor I could barely make out the object on the table but my experience told the truth: In the middle of the night my wife had been up and hitting the fondue pot again.

October 17, 2005
I wish I was deeper and more introspective. I used to be, stunning those around me with my insight. But then I discovered the silly, care free joy of monkies.

MONKEEEEEZ!!!!

October 18, 2005
Although not a common name, I bet there are more than a few men with the last name of "Roofie." And some of those men may in fact be doctors. But it's my guess that if this does happen, guys with the name of Dr. Roofie don't get invited to too many parties and that's just not fair.

October 19, 2005
If the world was made of fat, we'd be a lot better off--and I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for keeping a stick of butter in my pants, "just in case."

October 20, 2005
I have no idea what was meant by that last entry. However, I really do keep a stick of butter in my pants.

October 21, 2005
Well, as it turns out, the FBI thinks there's some sort of terrorist plot involved by my having a stick of butter in my pants while trying to board a plane. What kind of country do we live in when a grown man cannot keep butter in his trousers while flying cross country on a plane to pick up a shipment of cocaine?

October 22, 2005
Fall has certainly taken over here in the Midwest. I know this because just yesterday someone told me it was fall. I only go outside when I need to be hosed down.

October 23, 2005
Should you be in the market for some Goat Meat I suggest you venture up US 41 in Indiana, on the west side of the road around Fort Branch. Scott - I'm speaking to you. Be sure to pick up a dozen brown eggs for just $1.50. And take a picture of the sign to post here. I didn't have my camera but I did have a stick of butter in my pants.

October 24, 2005
I have a staff meeting in eleven minutes where I will be expected to account for how I used my time last week. My boss will certainly be upset if I tell the truth (Photoshopping his head onto the bodies of co-workers and various woodland creatures) and I'm pretty sure he won't believe that for the third straight week it's been beneficial to the company that I continue to fine tune my plans for constructing a death ray.

October 25, 2005
During a recent trip to Mexico, I purchased an "Insult/Profanity Filter" from one of the many street venders (hey, I'm too smart to buy food from those guys, but we KNOW that the Mexican street venders are quickly cornering the market on technology). It's designed to filter out insults and profanity that you speak (or yell). It completly eliminates the profanity and turns the insults into compliments. What a great idea. However, when I tried using it at work during one of our staff meetings, there must have been a glitch. Since I had some extra time off after being let go that day, I decided to head back to Mexico to give that guy a piece of my mind. Boy am I glad I did. As it turns out, the filter only works in Spanish--I should have known that. I paid the man another $3500 for the English filter and will be trying it out as soon as I get another job.

October 26, 2005
I had planned on making the trip up highway 41 today to investigate the goat meat phenomenon. But then I remembered that last weekend, I traded in my automobile for two ferrets, a pack of gum, a bundle of rope, and an old rusty wheelbarrow. So I'll still be making the trip, it might just take a little bit longer than I thought, depending on how motivated my marmots are.

October 27, 2005
In a teleconference this morning at work, the guy from Italy insulted me. I think it roughly translated to something along the lines of "a moldy bag of pork rinds." Technically, I've never taken any Italian courses, but I'm pretty good with languages. Sometimes, you can just tell when someone calls you a "moldy bag of pork rinds," regardless of the language of origin.

October 28, 2005
For Halloween this year, I'm dressing up as Barbara Eden. Actually, I'm dressing up as Barbara Eden dressed up as Rip Taylor. It's a pretty complex costume.

October 29, 2005
I was just reading about a new NASA mission that will take a probe to Pluto and it's moon, Charon. It then occured to me that all of the moons in our solar system are named except our very own. So, I'm not sure if I have the authority to do this or not (I don't see anyone stopping me), but I've decided that our moon will be named, "Dave."

October 30, 2005
As October draws to a close, let's please all take a moment to remember Menudo and the impact that they had on American youth culture in the 1980s.

October 31, 2005
It's Halloween, and that means the Great Pumpkin will be here tonight! And if he can't make it, then his substitute, the Slightly Impressive Kumquat, will be taking his place.