September 2, 2002
My challenge today was to use the word, "yeoman" in a Journal Entry...done. E-Mail.

September 3, 2002
I bought some contraption that enables me to get EVERYTHING out of a tube of toothpaste (I hate wasting that last little bit that you can never get out via manual squeezing). Anyway, it turns out that once you've completly removed the last cells of toothpaste from a tube of Crest, you get a nasty, life-threatening phone call from the President of Procter & Gamble. E-Mail.

September 4, 2002
om·buds·man

1. A man who investigates complaints and mediates fair settlements, especially between aggrieved parties such as consumers or students and an institution or organization.

2. What a drunk guy with his buddies, buzzed out on Cadbury Creme Eggs™ says when responding to the bartender's question, "What would you fellers like to drink?". E-Mail.

September 5, 2002
NEVER trust a translator web page...

ORIGINAL ENGLISH
I am taking the gerbils to the grocery store. They like my green pants.

TRANSLATED TO SPANISH
Estoy llevando los gerbils el almacén de la tienda de comestibles. Tienen gusto de mis pantalones verdes.

SPANISH TRANSLATED BACK TO ENGLISH
I am taking gerbils the warehouse of the grocer's. They have taste of my green trousers. E-Mail.

September 6, 2002
Famed travelers and zuchini--together at last!

E-Mail.

September 7, 2002
When participating in Wiccan ceremonies it's considered bad form to dance the Electric Slide. The Jitterbug, however, has full approval of The Council. E-Mail.

September 8, 2002
I always considered Andy Griffith to be a worthy role model, which partially explains my dental surgery to achieve that sexy gap tooth look. E-Mail.

September 9, 2002
I used to collect hermit crabs but that was before I discovered that they aren't quite a pet you can snuggle up with in front of the TV. E-Mail.

September 10, 2002
The Obsequious Orangatan is the name of my next children's book, following such classics as The Rotund Ringworm and The Engorged Earwig. E-Mail.

September 11, 2002
..... . E-Mail.

September 12, 2002
I've never been one for the taste of coffee but I most certainly enjoy the aroma of freshly roasted beans. And so it was with great excitement that I attended the opening of a roaster in my neighborhood! Yep, for just a buck fifty I can go and inhale all I want! E-Mail.

September 13, 2002
TRUE SPAM MAIL from YourBowelsCleaned.com, tastefully linked for the weak of duodenum. E-Mail.

September 14, 2002
It turns out that if you place an order with the above mentioned link (September 13, 2002), for $59.95 they send you a bottle of vanilla-scented rubbing alcohol and what appears to be a huge Q-tip. E-Mail.

September 15, 2002
I've become a frequent shopper at my local Goodwill Store. It's amazing what you can find there. Just yesterday I bought the elderly woman who runs the cash register for $19.95. Sure, she needs cleaned up a bit, but I don't mind a little elbow grease--which, by the way, is easily removed with mineral spirits. Random Link of the Day.

September 16, 2002
I decided to take up hog farming a few years ago, but I'm not having much luck with it. When I plant the pigs, they either manage to dig their way back out or they never germinate. I would switch to cows, but I can't afford the bigger shovel. E-Mail.

September 17, 2002
E-Mail.

September 18, 2002
Okay... what am I missing here? E-Mail.

September 19, 2002
And again...why so much money for something so subtle? E-Mail.

September 20, 2002
If only I were making this up...

THE "WORD OF THE DAY" FOR SEPTEMBER 19...
gimcrack \JIM-krak\, noun:
A showy but useless or worthless object; a gewgaw.

C'mon! No one knows what the word, "object" means. E-Mail.

September 21, 2002
Today I got up early to watch the sunrise. There's something special about a sunrise. Actually, I just set my video camera to record the sunrise. I'm not sure if it recorded it or not, but the tape I used had a bunch of old episodes of "COPS" on it. Man, there's something special about "COPS"! E-Mail.

September 22, 2002
In pure "stream of consciousness" fashion, I've decided to dedicate today's entry to....carpet. It was the first thing that I thought of. Ok, it wasn't the first thing that I thought of. The first thing that I thought of was a monkey dressed in Spandex riding on an Emu. But, I wouldn't want to write about that. It's silly. Carpet. Random Link of the Day.

September 23, 2002
I love to jump. But jumping and a piping hot cup of coffee just don't mix, especially when you're jumping on your boss's head while screaming obscenities about his mother. E-Mail.

September 24, 2002

Sometimes our readers make suggestions for us here at TDJ. Once in a while we have to remind you all of some of the basic rules about something we like to call, "COMEDY". Please don't take this the wrong way. For those of you who don't get this, just act like you do and impress the person sitting next to you. Random Link of the Day.

September 25, 2002
One of my biggest fears is that I will walk out of the bathroom at work with my zipper down. I had a close call today. I looked down in horror thinking that I had forgotten to zip up, but it was just my pocket sticking out a bit. No big deal. My pants were zipped. They weren't actually on, but they were zipped. Random Link of the Day.

September 26, 2002
This space for rent. E-Mail.

September 27, 2002
No matter what color you dye them, small rodents will always pick Coke over Pepsi. E-Mail.

September 28, 2002
The worst part about renting an apartment is that the backyard is not technically yours, thus requiring you to find a new place to bury to bodies. E-Mail.

September 29, 2002
Ferret Juice: Yet another business idea we at The Daily Journal wrongly thought would make us millions for sure! E-Mail.

September 30, 2002
Another month comes to a close, to which we, the editors, writers, layout staff, marketing department, web geeks, and janitors of The Daily Journal wish to say to you: SUCKER! E-Mail.