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September 1, 2003
There are two things in life that I cannot stand: Lists of things people cannot stand and bulk sausage.
entry # 1,896
September 2, 2003
Recent FBI reports indicate that terrorists may use the chemicals nicotine or solanine as "mass poisoning agents." HOW DARE THOSE NASTY RASCALS SULLY THE GOOD NAME OF NICOTINE WITH THEIR FIENDISH PLOTS!!!!
entry # 1,897
September 3, 2003
Those nutty, madcap Germans are at it again, now with tropical flavors.
entry # 1,898
September 4, 2003
I had a long drive to work this morning, slogging through the mud deposited by the recent deluge of precipitation and eventually finding myself mired in the muck. Despite four wheel drive my tires simply spun, failing to grab hold of traction, each rotation only serving to dig a deeper grave for each wheel. Disgusted at my situation I exited my vehicle and as I placed the mummified remains of my third killing spree victim beneath the right rear wheel for traction, I ruminated on how my current situation was an apt metaphor for my life, stuck in a rut of killing and murder and mayhem. I am so friggin BORED with life.
entry # 1,899
September 5, 2003
I hate it when I cannot remember....to...
entry # 1,900
September 6, 2003
My tuning forks are out of tune.
entry # 1,901
September 7, 2003
If you were me for three days you'd understand why I keep a fresh ginger root in my sock drawer.
entry # 1,902
September 8, 2003
I am pleased to announce that my employer is now requiring chastity belts to be worn by all new employees. This, of course, is in response to last month's incident with the fax machine in accounting.
entry # 1,903
September 9, 2003
The battery in our new van died yesterday. People criticized us when we purchased a vehicle through eBay, but the real mistake was getting the battery from CrazyAl'sDeadBatteryEmporium.com.
entry # 1,904
September 10, 2003
I work for a fortune 500 company. Just today we received our 2003 bonus goals. I wish I were joking. Oh Dilbert, where is thy irony?
entry # 1,905
September 11, 2003
This morning, as I was putting my socks on and getting ready for work, I noticed that I have a house, a wife, and two kids living there. It's crazy how these things just hit you sometimes. The house and wife I think I understand, but I'm pretty sure the two teenage Hispanic boys, answering to Raoul and Pepe, slipped through a window when I wasn't looking.
entry # 1,906
September 12, 2003
TDJ heartily endorses this link: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/badgers.html
entry # 1,907
September 13, 2003
I just downloaded your entire life off the Internet and it crashed my computer! This brings new meaning to the retarded cliche, "get a life!"
entry # 1,908
September 14, 2003
My favorite part of visiting New Orleans is a hearty breakfast of blackened Captain Crunch.
entry # 1,909
September 15, 2003
As a lowly IT professional I read with dread the stories of outsourcing IT jobs to developing countries. The thinking among the top is that they can pay someone $10,000 instead of $40,000 plus benefits and everything will work out peachy keen. But suddenly I had an idea, an idea that will save my company MILLIONS!!!! Let's outsource management! At a minimum of $100,000 per year (plus another $25,000 in benefits, stock options, golden parachutes) we could easily farm that out internationally, paying our new employees about $15,000 to attend meetings via videophone. I plan to let our CEO know of this idea just as soon as he returns from his yacht shopping.
entry # 1,910
September 16, 2003
True story: They are doing mass job eliminations where I work to cut expenses. Since they didn't have enough Human Resource people locally to do the dirty work management decided to fly in HR people from other locations via the company jet. Now we can sit back and watch those expenses drop now that those pesky $25,000 per year employees are gone.
entry # 1,911
September 17, 2003
This just in: They didn't have enough HR people STILL so they brought in some vets to put some of the more troublesome employees to sleep.
entry # 1,912
September 18, 2003
I'm not so sure I'd want to try a mayonnaise that touts itself as "Thick and Meaty".
entry # 1,913
September 19, 2003
Two wrongs don't make a right but four will get you free eggrolls.
entry # 1,914
September 20, 2003
Fortunately for this health nut, channel 9 on my cable is officially the 24 Hour Juicer Infomercial Channel.
entry # 1,915
September 21, 2003
I have one basic rule that I follow in business. If I can tie it to my pet goat and he can drag it, whatever it is, for at least ten yards, it's worth doing. I realize this may seem a bit odd, but I've been doing this for over four-hundred years wearing nothing but three strategically placed rice cakes.
entry # 1,916
September 22, 2003
For those of you that don't know, there are three regular writers here at TDJ. While one of our writers has been regularly complaining (and justly so) about his company's cost-cutting techniques (see September 10, 15, 16 and 17), my company seems to throw money at everything. Just last week we hired a new "Assistant Pencil Sharpener". This Level 3 position reports directly to the "Pencil Sharpener Manager" and will work side by side with the "Ball Point Pen Polisher" and "Administrative Egg Nog Assistant".
entry # 1,917
September 23, 2003
Back in the day when our country was strong, our daily vocabulary was influenced by our nations farmers with such phrases as "Don't put the cart before the horse" and "Sowing wild oats." In a futile effort to return our country to it's roots I am attempting YET AGAIN to start a national trend with the issuance of the new "takin' care of business" phrase: "It's in the silo, Clem."
entry # 1,918
September 24, 2003
Supplement your income by turning your unused basement, cellar, closet or crawl space into a makeshift morgue. Click here for more information!
entry # 1,919
September 25, 2003
Managers may say that they value honesty, but it's all a sham. Why else would my boss get so bent out of shape when I stood up in the middle of a boring meeting that had nothing to do with me, announced that I was bored "out of my friggin' skull" and left the room?
entry # 1,920
September 26, 2003
Nothing says, "I love you, cocker spaniel," like the gift of PREMIUM PORK EARS
entry # 1,921
September 27, 2003
There are certain stereotypes that we've all become accustomed to. These include Pioneer, Bose, Marantz and many others. (EDITOR'S NOTE: THAT GOES DOWN OFFICIALLY AS THE "WORST PUN EVER" ON TDJ.)
entry # 1,922
September 28, 2003
I just killed the vending machine guy. I've been contemplating it for weeks and today I took a calculated risk and pulled it off. I now have a three month supply of Andy Capp fries, Fig Newtons and Heath Bars--that's all he was stocking today (which is odd since nobody ever eats those things). Tomorrow I plan to ambush the coffee guy.
entry # 1,923
September 29, 2003
I'm tired... I'm restless... and for some reason Alex Trebek is humming softly in my ear.
entry # 1,924
September 30, 2003
All my life the only thing I've wanted to do is to be a cable repairman but my daddy insisted I go to law school. While I finished at the top of my class and have my own successful practice I can't help but to break into people's houses late and night and run coaxial cable through their walls.
entry # 1,925
Roger is too busy with "his plumbing" to do TDJ..
Now with special boots!
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