In our never ending quest for excellence we bring you our…
SALUTE TO PANTS
42
TDJ entries devoted to pants as of October 26, 2001!
1998
September
6, 1998
My wife just got
me a new pair of work pants. They are nice. I've had pants before with just one
button in front. I've even had one pair with a secret inside button and a
clasp! These pants have a secret inner button, a clasp, and an outer button.
Getting out of them to drain das vein is like getting out of a chastity belt.
Thus I dub these my Chastity Pants. I wonder if
my wife is trying to tell me something...
1999
January 2, 1999
Pants.
February
19, 1999
The one thing
that all of these computer programmers forgot to take into account with regards
to this year 2000 thing is the fact that I'm not wearing pants.
March 1, 1999
Pants.
April
23, 1999
I just realized
that Boy George is actually a cross-dressing homosexual male! I guess that
clears up the whole "parachute pants"
thing from my past.
June 4, 1999
Life would be
much better if we all wore pointy pants like the
Oompa Loompas and spoke in rhyme.
July 3, 1999
The world of
honey mustard sauces is a fascinating one, and, when viewed in the same
proximity as a good helpin' of chicken strips, causes me to bubble over with
unabashed emotion. This Fourth of July weekend, let us take a moment to
remember the man who invented honey mustard sauce-- Leonard Frankenheimer, of
Sioux Falls. Let us also take a moment to consider why I'm not wearing any pants.
July
12, 1999
I've been
listening to a rock opera entitled "These
Are Not My Pants." Which is quite
funny, because it reminded me of what happened when I was 12:
HEMET,
Calif. -- After drinking heavily, a 33 yr. old man appointed his 12-year-old
son as designated driver. When police attempted to pull their pick-up truck
over, the father instructed his son not to stop. Police followed the vehicle
for several blocks, with speeds not exceeding 15 mph. The "chase"
ended in the driveway of the family's home. The officers found a bag of methamphetamine
in the man's pants. He quickly tried to defend himself by telling police:
"These are not my pants. They are my girlfriend's pants." The
officers didn't buy his explanation. The police report concluded that these
pants were in fact men's pants. The father was
arrested for investigation of public intoxication, allowing an unlicenced
juvenile to drive and possession of a controlled substance.*
A true
story! Go to http://www.navicom.com/~daleg/stupidcrooks.html
and do a search for "pants."
July
29, 1999
I just noticed
that my co-writers eagerly began August with the last three days of July 1999
occupied by "Pants." And so, I round
out the month with entries that I had rejected for being inadequate... like the
time all three of us got together and got buzzed on Berry Blue Kool-Aid and
SuperCool and then there was this midget and a bag of Doritos and... well, I'd
rather not talk about it but it IS available on home video!
August 9, 1999
I leave for vacation
today. I'm going to the lake and will be gone most of this week. (Don't worry--
through the miracles of modern technology, our special Microsoft Pentium
MG-9000 TDJ Automatic MegaProcessor will continue to provide additions to The
Daily Journal each and every day. Having three writers also helps.) As I lay
out on a boat in the sun, enjoying the warm breeze, you can rest assured that I
will be pondering one of two things: 1) Sherman Hemsley's career after
"The Jeffersons," and 2) Pants.
August
15, 1999
I'm convinced
that there's a secret pact between the automakers and the repair shops to keep
us coming in to spend our money. It seems like whenever you take your car into
the shop, no matter how new it is, you will always have to pay for something. It's
always a money thing. And we KNOW that the automakers already have the plans
for the perfect car that runs on water, creates no pollution, and runs for
500,000 miles without a check-up. But they don't want to make these cars
because they KNOW they will lose all of that money from the repair shops. So,
I've come up with a plan where I no longer have to wear pants. Sure, it has nothing to do with what I was saying, but
neither does polish sausage or my mother's flower garden.
October 12, 1999
These are not my pants.
November
9, 1999
In today's
dog-eat-llama business environment, there are three things that you must
remember to be successful:
1. Live lobsters do not necessarily belong in your pants
2. Dancing with every person that enters your office area is not only
encouraged, it's expected! Dance away you dancin' fools.
3. The more you give, the more you get (as long as you do it while other people
are watching).
4. The monkeys did it. Always blame the monkeys. E-Mail.
December
22, 1999
The new
millennium is fast approaching, and I think it's high time that The Daily
Journal started making some predictions for the next 1000 years!
Disco is gonna make a
comeback. Disco, breakdancing, and Quiet Riot.
An emu uprising will
cause a stir in Madagascar.
Scientists will discover
that Chive Tangerine Milkshakes cure most minor ailments.
My Aunt Ruth will shave
her mustache.
No one will mind when I
come to work without any pants.
Pauly Shore. Eight
Academy Awards over the next 10 years.
And finally, The Daily
Journal will go public on NASDAQ, opening at 62.50 a share, and our plans for
world domination will become clear. Unless we can be stopped by our arch
nemesis, Lyle Lovett. E-Mail.
December
29, 1999
So, what have we
learned this century? What will we TRULY remember? Well, I cannot speak for
everyone, but here are 5 things that I will take with me into the new century:
1. Chicks don't dig things growing out of your ears (no matter what your older
brother tells you)
2. Gasoline smells great but you really should drink it (I learned this when I
was three, but it's always a good idea to dig this one out once in a while to
keep us on our toes).
3. If you want to get anywhere in business, you have to go to school. Oh, and
it doesn't hurt to wear pants.
4. The best thing about gum is that you can keep it forever.
5. Every piece of clothing you ever own will someday make a comeback. I have
kept everything I've ever had (pants, shirts, ties, jackets, socks, sunglasses,
underwear, etc.) and taken the time to label all of my clothing per particular
eras. I can tell you that in just a few weeks it will be time to get out the
parachute pants! E-Mail.
2000
January
14, 1900 (2000)
I believe there
are two types of people in this world: people who get the movie
"UHF," and people who eat beef vegetable soup. There are also people
who watch National Geographic specials without any pants
on, but they usually fall under one of the first two categories. E-Mail.
February
4, 2000
In the sasquatch
community, no one wears pants. E-Mail.
February
14, 2000
Today: A DAILY
JOURNAL VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL! The Sasquatch Guide to Dating.
First, if you are
anything like the Sasquatch I know, you smell bad. Sorry, but it's just a fact
of Yeti life. With a name like "Bigfoot," what can you expect? I
recommend a jacket made out of Dr. Scholl's foot pad deodorizers. Big and Tall
sizes are available.
Second of all, we've got
to do something about the hair. I understand some chicks dig hairy guys, but
this isn't the '70s anymore, you know? And if you start shaving in some crazy
places, it will just grow back even worse. So we here at TDJ recommend a heavy
dose of styling mousse. If large enough quantities aren't available, I have
found that a big tub of lard works quite well.
And finally, once you've
found that special someone, and you are ready for a night out on the town, try
to downplay the whole stalking/roaring/terrorizing thing. Nobody likes a
grouch. So for your convenience, our top Valentine's Day scientists have come
up with a few phrases to use in those most intimate moments:
"I see you
also have a hairy back."
"You may
notice that as a Sasquatch, I don't have to wear any pants."
"Who's for
dinner?"
and if all else fails: "You know what they say about big feet, don't you?" E-Mail.
April
24, 2000
Usually, I'm not
one to complain about things, but someone has to do something about these new
pants that I'm wearing. It just doesn't feel like the pockets are in the right
place and the thread used to sew the inseam is a shade too light. Plus, the
zipper is copper colored and I like them to be more like brass. Oh, and the
length is ok (I guess), but I just wish they were a tad bit longer. That's just
the way it is I guess. I can't get a size 32 1/2" anywhere! To make
matters worse, the salespeople in the store where I bought them didn't know
anything about where the material was made and they didn't spend enough time
talking to me and answering the 100 questions I usually ask about a pair of pants. I don't think they liked me very much. That
store isn't all that nice anyway. It's not close enough to the main road and
the price tags are too hard to read and...well, never mind. I'm not one to
complain about things. E-Mail.
May
9, 2000
I've got this
horrendous headache that extends from my occipital lobe to just above my eyes,
my body aches, and my aforementioned eyes are itchy and watery. That's right!
I've got garden gnomes in my pants again!E-Mail.
May
14, 2000
I've never been
one to wet my pants, but lately it's been
happening quite a bit. Somehow, I find it liberating to just let it out
whenever I feel the urge. It also makes it a lot easier to catch up on all of
the reruns of "Chips". E-Mail.
May
25, 2000
So there I was,
riding my llama, wearing my poncho to the soup and cheese store, when a large
sasquatch sauntered by on his way to by some veal with his aardvark pals when
he stopped suddenly, turned to me and said, "I'm not wearing any pants." Then he died.E-Mail.
June
9, 2000
MORE TOADSTOOL HAIKU...
Toadstool can we make
Meaning out of our dull lives
I just wet my pants. E-Mail.
July
7, 2000
TOADSTOOL HAIKU...
Toadstool dare I say
How much you mean to my soul.
I just wet my pants. E-Mail.
August
14, 2000
I've been trying
to get a promotion at work, but my boss tells me that pasting cut-out felt Bible
characters to my knees isn't going to get me anywhere in this business. Little
does he know that tomorrow, I won't be wearing any pants,
either. E-Mail.
September
28, 2000
Did you ever
wonder if there is really life out there? On other planets, I mean. Like
Jupiter, for instance. Could little strange alien beings live there? Or perhaps
huge, ugly, cantakerous creatures capable of coming to earth and destroying our
species? I wonder that sometimes. On the other hand, occasionally I wonder why
my Mom and Dad still don't like to let me wear pants
on Thursdays. E-Mail.
October
24, 2000
Since the month
ends tomorrow and we are about a week behind in entries, it's time once again
to fill these last days with what we in the journal industry refer to as
"filler". Or maybe that's the word we use for the sweatsocks we stuff
down our pants before we go hang out at gay
bars.E-Mail.
November
13, 2000
I really think
the Charlie Brown Christmas Special would be a lot more interesting if it were
dubbed into Turkish. Oh, and if all the characters didn't wear any pants. E-Mail.
November
28, 2000
An entry from
The Daily Journal Big Handbook O' Ideas: When trying to come up with an idea for an entry, rummage
through the items in your pants pocked for
inspiration. Better yet, rummage through to pockets of a co-worker and write
about how quickly you get escorted from the building.E-Mail.
December
15, 2000
The best thing
about driving in freshly fallen snow is when I roll down the window and shout
out, "HEE HEE HEE! I'VE GOT A LEMUR IN MY PANTS!"E-Mail.
December
20, 2000
According to Nostradaumus,
the hot gift item for Christmas 2000 is parachute pants.E-Mail.
December
21, 2000
In celebration of
Hanukkah, which begins at sundown, according to my religiously-tolerant desk
calendar, we will be singing a song from my childhood: It's called the
You-Ain't-Getting-a-Dreidel-This-Year-Unless-You-Put-Your-Pants-Back-On-and-Come-Inside Song. Now that I think
about it, I'm not even Jewish. I guess that's why I never got the dreidel that
I wanted all those years. E-Mail.
December
29, 2000
I'm wearing your pants.E-Mail.
December
30, 2000
I love the
cheeses. They melt nicely in my pants. Gouda is
the bomb.E-Mail.
2001
January
3, 2001
Just yesterday I
was standing behind my boss who was talking to one of my co-workers. In the
spirit of levity, I made a few odd faces at my co-worker and exagerrated the
faces and gesticulations of my boss. It surely would have made him laugh and
would have been our little secret. However, I had not taken my medication and
was actually standing in FRONT of my boss and behind my co-worker. Also, I was
not wearing pants and I believe I may have
punched him a few times. Anyway, it was all in fun, as I stated earlier, and I
don't see why he was so upset.E-Mail.
January
27, 2001
One of the first
things President Bush did was to reinstate the rule that all White House
employees must wear pants. E-Mail.
March
9, 2001
There's a
commercial that I keep hearing on the radio for a vending machine called
"Oscar" that was invented by "some crazy genius." You see,
the genius is crazy because this machine actually "attracts money."
Of course, it's so proven that you have to act quickly to get in on the action.
Oh, and it's such a sure thing that the "crazy genius" is too crazy
to figure out how to make money from it himself. So, instead, he's inventing a
hotdog warmer that attaches to your pants. E-Mail.
April
26, 2001
There are trolls
in my pants. Right now. Three of 'em. E-Mail.
April
30, 2001
Hong Kong Fooey
would have been a better crime fighter had he worn pants.
E-Mail.
May
7, 2001
Geodesic dome, my
ass! How about them fancy-pants scientists
trying to build a geodesic monster truck? E-Mail.
July
29, 2001
My latest attempt
to earn a million bucks and stop working in a cubicle is edible clothing. Today
I am wearing the ever-fashionable onion ring vest with matching bloomin' onion pants. E-Mail.September 28, 2001
And now in OTTAVA RIMA!
There are many things I
like to wear
Pants, shirts, briefs, a shoe.
Sometimes a ribbon in my hair,
Always pink and never blue.
I once traded undies with a she-man Cher
But the other rumors aren't true
But my favorite is my green left sock
As I like to wear it on my anybody seen the mayonnaise?
BONUS Ottava rima:
On Tuesdays I always choose veal
With a small side order of noodles.
It's perhaps my most favorite meal
When dining with children or poodles.
But today I'll be eating with Neal
And so I shall order the strudles
My hunger it shall assuage
Before a brief Bible message E-Mail.
October
10, 2001
Right now there
are three men having an impromptu conference right outside my cubicle doorway.
Two of them aren't wearing pants. E-Mail.