(updated 6-24-2004)
obLigATiONs rEmOVed - WRiTe thE GOAt - YoU hAVe sPokEN
By your clicking on the "Goat of Your Transgressions" you have been relieved of many of your obligations for the next 24 hours. However, these obligations will return tomorrow unless you click the goat once more. So, you see, it is very important that you click the goat and READ THE DAILY JOURNAL EVERY DAY!
Here's a list of the obligations that the Goat of Your Transgressions currently relieves you of*:
No Need to Retreive
Food Condiments |
No
More Odors from Your Body!
Once again the Goat strikes up some of his magic, this time
with the human body. From this day forward, as long as you acknowledge
the Goat of Your Transgressions, your body will no longer emit odors
from ANY of its orifices. Toot away in elevators! Spend hours in the
bathroom reading books and never feel the need to shower again!
Fats Actually Make
you LOSE Weight!
Thanks to the goat spending the last few months in his top secret laboratory
located somewhere in the woods of Montana, you can now eat all the Fat
you want and lose weight. There are no pills that you need to take, no
diet, nothing. One follower of the Goat of Your Transgressions recently
drank a 3 gallon bucket of pure lard and actually lost 25 pounds while
lowering his cholesterol level and building muscle tone. Thanks GOAT!
Giant Turtles Mate in
Your Back Yard
Regardless of how far inland you live, the Goat has arranged for
giant turtles to mate and lay eggs in your back yard. You'll be the talk
of the neighborhood. Animal Planet TV will want to set up a live remote
at your home. Who knows, maybe you'll meet that Crocodile Hunter guy.
Cinder Block's Bounce
off Your Body
That's right. The goat has struck a deal with gravity and friction to
allow any size cinder block to bounce off of your head--PAIN FREE! Go
ahead and try it. You'll be amazed. You'll be a "hit" at
parties (pun intended....thank you very much....I'll be here all
week...try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitresses). WARNING:
At this point, this trick only works with cinder blocks. If you're not
sure what a cinder block is, you can try several bricks until you find
the one that bounces off of your head!
Rudeness Amnesty Day
The Goat is at it again! You are automatically enrolled in the
Rudeness Amnesty program. Participants in this program receive a special card that entitles them to be as rude as they want for one day out of each year. On your special day, should someone attempt to reprimand you or crush your head to bits, simply hold up your Official Goat of Transgressions Rudeness Amnesty Day card to be excused from bodily abuse.
Proper Nouns Replaced with Pronouns
Thanks to your favorite Goat, you can now refer to all people with
pronouns like "you" and "it". Waste no more time
memorizing pointless names for every person you meet.
Traffic Lights
You can now speed right through all highway traffic signals
throughout the continental United States and Puerto Rico. (We are currently
working on negotiations with Guam and the Dominican Republic, so stay tuned.)
Amusement Park Lines
The Goat of Your Transgressions has freed you from waiting in lines
at amusement parks. That's right, no more three hour trips through silly turn
stiles in the blazing heat to hop on a two minute ride. You can now walk
straight to the head of the line!
"Hail Marys" cut in
Half
The Goat of Your Transgressions has struck a deal with the Pope to
reduce the number of "Hail Marys" you must say by one half. So, the
next time you're in confession and ordered to say ten Hail Marys, you can do
five and enjoy the rest of your time. (NOTE: when you are assigned an odd
number, the Goat has kindly requested that you round the number up...thank you.)
Speak to the "Goat of Your Transgressions" here. Is there something else you'd like to be freed from that the goat could help with? Let him know. Or, just tell him how you feel. Thank the goat for the work he has done for you! If you're nice enough to include your name and e-mail address, the goat will respond to you. Don't worry, we have nothing to sell and have no reason to give your address to anyone unless they pay us.
The Goat gets your requests and is working day and night to fix the world to suit your needs.
Date: Sunday, May 30, 2004 Time: 06:03:46 PM Dearest Goat, I'm a decent guy, or at least I think I am. Problem is, I think that Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan are hot, and I think they're only 17. What do you intend to do about this? Thanks, Frustrated THE GOAT REPLIES... Frustrated: There are certain laws that even I cannot change. I don't believe that any of the transgressions covered include this sort of thing. Have you ever hung out with a 17-year old girl for any considerable length of time? It might help. Or, see how long you can walk around a shopping mall or "cruise" around the same city street while listening to the same N'SYNC song repeatedly for hours at a time. If that still doesn't work, step into the shower and turn the handle with the letter "C" (which stands for "CANNOT FIXATE ON UNDERAGE FEMALE ACTRESSES") as far as it will go. C-c-c-c-cordially, The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Monday, March 29, 2004 Time: 03:46:28 PM Blessed Goat, What is that floating above the cottage cheese anyway? Weasel THE GOAT REPLIES... Weasel: It depends on how much cottage cheese and precisely what kind you have smoked. I've found that after smoking a full quart of Breakstone's 4% Milkfat Large Curd that I often see small sea creatures dancing above (or, in your case, floating above) the cottage cheese. I just run with it. I figure that's all part of the experience and I encourage you to do the same. Fixating on the Dancing Purple Octopus of Love, The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Monday, January 12, 2004 Time: 10:10:58 AM Dear Goat, Can I paint your hooves? THE GOAT REPLIES... Dear Mom....I mean, whoever you are: After years of trying, I've decided that it's just not worth the time and effort to paint my ratty hooves. Even Maybelline's "Colorama 5-Day Hoove Color" manages to wear off after spending only a few hours in the sewer, where I sometimes forage for treats (used socks, old batteries, etc.). So, the answer is, "No, you cannot paint my hooves." However, you're always welcome to stain and polish my horns. Pretty in Pink, The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sunday, January 11, 2004 Time: 01:56:25 AM Dear Mr. Goat, Hello. I have a QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know how you prefer people actually have a question........anyway........sometimes with I am with my husband I am thinking about you, imagining your hooves all over me and your loud bleating makes my heart race. I just need to know one thing to make it complete.......is it boxers or briefs. THE GOAT REPLIES... Dear Exclamation Point Lover: Boxers or briefs, eh? I'm a goat. I'll eat either one without complaining. Baaaahhh----uuuurrrp, The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thursday, December 18, 2003 Time: 10:56:40 AM Dear Goat, Baaah. The Sheep of Your Infirmities here. I just wanted to say hi to my goat friend, and I was hoping that perhaps you could help me with my addiction to beef jerky. Not just any beef jerky, mind you, but the one and only Slim Jim beef jerky. I just can't resist when Randy Savage tells me to snap into one. And I really have a strange oatmeal fetish that I could use some help with. Any ideas? THE GOAT REPLIES... Greetings Mighty Sheep of My Infirmities (or "Bernie" as I knew you from our beauty college days): First off, it's been a long time since I've heard from you. I cannot remember the last time that we got together. I trust that your own Web venture is going as well as mine. As for the obsession with Slim Jim's, I'm not sure what to tell you. However, given the low-carb dieting craze of the current day, you could be doing a whole lot worse than a Slim Jim craving. But oatmeal? What are you, sick? Oatmeal is for rodents and small marsupials. Just ask my friend, "The Farting Rabbit-Eared Bandicoot of Your Lower Intestinal Ailments." He eats four to five pounds of oatmeal a day and it doesn't seem to be helping his cause. The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Monday, October 20, 2003 Time: 04:23:44 PM Dear Goat, Do you have any advice on how to deal with my eye brow plucking obsession? I don't have any eye brows left and I promised my husband I would stop plucking yesterday.....he will be home in 1.5 hours. Thanks. THE GOAT REPLIES... Dear Thanks: This is one of those requests that we get just about every day, except it usually doesn't have anything to do with eyebrows or obsessions. Basically, what we have here is a question of will power. Since you don't have any, I suggest that you buy one of those eye liner pencils or a box of Sharpies™. Pluck Off, The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thursday, September 25, 2003 Time: 07:20:04 AM I LOVE THE GOAT#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 THE GOAT REPLIES... Dear _________: And the goat loves you. Although you didn't send a request, you've been given the right to run naked through the mall without anyone noticing. Thanks for the kind letter. # ! 1 Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Monday, August 25, 2003 Time: 12:36:49 AM hi, its just to stop clicking on marys face, its nothing much, but i feel bad clicking on marys face, you see? so if clicking on a goat releives me from clicking marys face, i surely click on the goats face, forgive me mary, mother of many, of all, if i clicked on your face. i love you, and will NOT click on your face again,,,but ask you for your forgivenness, for clicking on your face, forgive me,,, THE GOAT REPLIES... Dear Mary Clicker: There must be another Web site where you can write to Mary. I think there's one that also teaches the correct use of capital letters and punctuation marks. Wait, that's it...the Goat hereby relieves you of the need for using capital letters and punctuation marks. Now you can keep writing the way that you do...without all the guilt! Can I get an, "Amen?" Most Holy Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Friday, July 25, 2003 Time: 01:01:30 AM Dear Stupid Goat, You know I don't like you because you never answer me. I have written you four times and I have heard nothing from you. Now you are having your picture taken with MY boyfriend I am sure only to torment me. Where did that thumb come from anyway? Oh ya I ripped off your hooves in my dream last night...heh heh heh. That is it bud......I have HAD IT! Pretty soon this "serial killer" is going to make you into goat hash and serve you to little old ladies at one of the the senior citizens luncheons. On toast that is with a big splat of GRAVY!!!!!! Go play in traffic, Crunchy THE GOAT REPLIES... Dearest Crunchy: The goat prefers, "smooth" but I'll answer you, nonetheless. As for the reason I didn't respond to your previous letters--I didn't get them. Perhaps you're living in a different space-time continuum (one where they consume crunchy peanut butter instead of smooth). I will admit to having several pictures taken with your boyfriend. In addition, there are several that he's paying me to keep from you. Oh, and good luck with your dreams and trying to kill me. The Goat doesn't stay in one place for too long. Finally, seeing as how you DID write me a letter (and yet again, another letter without a specific request), I feel obligated to remove one of your transgressions. So, I've decided that you're no longer subject to anti-perspirants or deodorants. They have no power over your goat-strengthened stinky sweat glands. Enjoy! Stupid (but not SMELLY, like you) Goat P.S. Yes, I realize that this seems to contradict the "No More Odors from Your Body" transgression removal from further up this page. But remember, I am the goat and I can do whatever I want. The Goat has spoken! Sola Oryx --------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wednesday, February 09, 2000 Time: 08:58:15 AM Dear Goat: I am at a dilemma in my life. You see I look like a basset hound. In fact my brother reminds me of it every day. I walk down the street with my ears down and tail tucked in between my legs and get laughed at by complete strangers. My husband thinks it is cute but what does he know? He has the face of a donkey's ass. My brother formerly known as Navin Johnson, now known as shayface, has no right to tease me like he does. He is a pimply faced, balding, bull-legged ugly man. He thinks just because he is the oldest that he got all the good genes in the pool. Well, I'm here to say he is dead wrong. Oh Goat I just don't know what to do! I prayed all my hail mary's and read the rosary beads and I'm still cursed. Please respond back and let me know what to do! I'm standing on the Ambassador at the moment and ready to throw myself off! THE GOAT REPLIES... Woof: Please forgive the goat for taking so long to get back to you. I am inundated with letters every hour (okay, so actually I RARELY get letters and therefore forget to check my goat mail). First off, let me say that I fully understand the nature of your problem. Believe it or not, The Goat of Your Transgressions has an older brother, Ned (also known as "The Goat of Your Lower Intestines"--it's not as prestigious as my gig, but he tells me that it pays the bills). Anyway, Ned is constantly reminding ME that he has inherited all of the favorable traits of our now deceased father, "The Goat of Your Uncle Larry's Peanut Butter Crackers" (our family rose from a humble start). And while it is true that Ned has the same vocal inflections and gruff beard as our beloved father, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that I'm the one raking in the serious dough and solving the world's problems (at least, the problems of those who acknowledge the goat). So, what does this all have to do with your big brother Lloyd? Well, nothing, really. But if he gets out of line again, just knock that balding, bull-legged Chris Farley impersonating doofus on his big buttocks. That will show him a thing a two. And, as a special bonus to you (because you were wise enough to write to "The Goat of Your Transgressions", I'm giving you a five-day pass to squeeze toothpaste tubes into the nostrils of your enemies. Not only will they leave you unharmed after you fill their nasal passages with Colgate, they'll get down on their knees and thank you for it. Viva la Goat! The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Goat, I went to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio last week and promptly marched my way to the front of the "Raptor" ride, having been cleansed by his goatness. However, an unruly man named Jake (who obviously had not been graced by the great goatie) let me know that he did not appreciate my rude entrance nor my cutting in front of him. He said, and I quote, "I don't care what your stupid goat said -- you ain't gonna get in front of me, less'n you want your teeth spread across this here see-ment". Unable to convince his Jakeness that the Goat of My Transgressions takes precedence over his feeble existence, I turned to my wife and started to describe to her what I thought of Jake, using "it" instead of "him" in my description, thereby claiming another pardoned transgressable. Unfortunately, this too failed, as Jake chose to take my referring to him as an "it" quite badly, and he rewarded me by impaling my face and upper torso with his full 32-ounce Pepsi collector cup, which he attempted to fit over my head. I promptly got myself up from the see-ment and, in a panic, showed him my Rudeness Amnesty Day card, which he ripped up and threw away. I am writing you this because after this experience, I am not sure I believe in you anymore. I'm going back to saying my daily hundred Hail Marys, burning candles in my mothers bathroom, and sacrificing 8-track tapes. My experience with you has been a dismal and costly one, and I am now faced with several months of reconstructive surgery and thousands of dollars worth of dentist bills. At least I have a brand new 32-ounce Pepsi collector cup...FOR ME TO POOP ON. Sinseeya, Gern Blansten THE GOAT REPLIES... Neeeeaaaahhhh. First, I want to sincerely apologize for any difficulties you might have experienced with my services. In the future, you may want to direct your correspondence to the law firm that represents us, Billie, Gote & Gruff located in the metropolitan area of Akron, Ohio. However, had you carefully read the EXCEPTIONS located at the bottom of this page, you would have known that The Goat of Your Transgressions does NOT, I repeat NOT cover your transgressions at this time (see Exception 1-2). In the future, should any of your conditions change or should I alter any of the exceptions, you will be notified. As for now, keep both hands on the wheel, remember to say, "Please" and "Thank You", and in the words of my favorite lawman Barney T. Fife, "Obey all rules!" Regards, The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Goat: I do not want to have to wipe myself any longer. THE GOAT REPLIES... Dear Lazy: Bahhh. At this time, I cannot make it possible for your species to function like mine when it comes to relieving your bowels. However, send me your name and address and I will forward you a list of suitable nursing homes in your area. I hear Wednesday is Parcheesi night! The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Goat: The janitors are planning to buy Guam... a janitors paradise? THE GOAT REPLIES... Dear Sonny Meyers (the name of my Jr. High School Janitor): True, the janitors have been in serious negotiations the last ten years to make a respectable bid for Guam. However, more recently, a small group of wealthy retired chimney sweeps has moved to the front. Stay tuned to the Goat to keep you posted. Regardless of WHO takes control of Guam, we have reason to believe the traffic light thing will be resolved soon. The Goat --------------------------------------------------------------
click
here to return to
THE DAILY JOURNAL...
Goat of Your Transgressions ©1999-2003 by The Daily Journal
EXCEPTIONS:
If any of these apply to you, you are NOT covered by The Goat of Your
Transgressions and you should either go on living as you have been or consult
the "Aardvark of Most People's Annoyances".
1-1: Transgressions related to motor vehicles do not apply to employees of the United States Government or social workers from Venezuala
1-2: Transgressions do not apply to anyone named "Lemuel", "Bertha" or "Gern". In addition, Transgressions have been known to fail with men nicknamed, "Salty" or "Big Jim".
1-3: Transgressions are removed, but that does not always mean that others are aware of your lack of responsibility. It is YOUR responsibility to inform others of your removed transgressions by pointing them to the web site.
1-4: No transgressions are actually removed. We simply allow you to remove the guilt associated with them. TDJ Enterprises is not responsible for any actions associated with The Goat of Your Transgressions. However, we do take full responsibility for the movement of the sun, moon and stars. We're also the one's responsible for the government cover-up regading crop circles.
And now...REALLY STUPID ADS....