October 1999
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October 1, 1999
Everybody's got something to hide, 'cept for me and my monkey. Well, actually my monkey has some pretty dark secrets involving women's lingerie, Wendy's quarter pound singles with cheese, and pigeon books. So that leaves me... just me with nothing to hide!

October 2, 1999
If I were a dog, I bet I would be doing a lot more defecating in public than I am now.

October 3, 1999
Bananas are tasty fruit, full of potassium and vitamins, but they make a sorry excuse for a jackhammer.

October 4, 1999
My using nothing more than a paperclip, three red rubber bands, some silicone-based adhesive, a live mouse, the collective works of Jim Neighbors, and the axle of an '86 Honda Civic, I have created a working anti-gravity machine! Well, not actually, but I managed to avoid doing any real work for an entire afternoon!

October 5, 1999
On the internet for the past few weeks, we here at The Daily Journal have been participating in a fantasy football league, in which we each get points for how well "our" NFL players do each week. Since we are leading the way in cutting edge technology, TDJ will soon be introducing a "fantasy life league," in which you can own the lives of such exciting players as Fred Tackersly, an accountant from Sioux Falls, or Gerty von Frankenheimer, a housewife from Duluth! Earn points a variety of ways, ranging from what your players eat for breakfast, to whether or not they arrive at work on time! And don't forget, bonus points can be earned if your players wash their hands after urinating!

October 6, 1999
More and more people are switching to my recently invented maple syrup mouth wash. It takes a little while for folks to get used to mouth wash being thick and sweet, plus gargling is a bit of a challenge, but the kids just love it.

October 7, 1999
Not everyone is against you but I've just joined the forces that are. What could I do? They offered me free oven mitts!

October 8, 1999
If oranges were not colored orange, would Europe still be called Europe?

October 9, 1999
As a cog in the wheel of North American business, I admit that I can be bought! But with this admission comes a higher price. Yessir! Next time they'll have to offer me the ENTIRE can of wax beans before I do their grunt work!

October 10, 1999
Besides being tasty and extraordinarily nutritious, I have recently discovered that week-old, used coffee grounds can be mixed with the proper amount of carburetor fluid, rolled into a thin string, and may be used as medically-certified sutures when performing home operations on small rodents. Actually, I haven't tested this theory yet, but if anyone wants to try it out, please e-mail me. I'm really curious.

October 11, 1999
Today is a special day because it is not one, but two MAJOR holidays. In the United States, it is Columbus Day, a day in which all of the bank and post office employees sit at home, exchange gifts and drink eggnog in celebration of Christopher Columbus and how he introduced provolone cheese to the Native Americans. Everyone else goes to work as usual. Our neighbors to the north in Canada celebrate Thanksgiving today. Everyone there sits home and drinks eggnog, but rather than exchanging gifts, they hit each other in the stomach with mallets and sing show tunes. Oh, how I long to be Canadian.

October 12, 1999
These are not my pants.

October 13, 1999
Weather is looking nice today. Sort of windy. Not too cloudy. Cooled down to 70 degrees or so. Lot of people out walking around downtown. Yup, it's definitely the perfect day to go up on the roof with my rifle and start shootin' some accountants.

October 14, 1999
You know what I miss about college? What I really miss? I miss the intellectual stimulation, the joy that you find in attaining knowledge, the comraderie between the students. That, and the varsity wrestlers who lived in my dorm my freshman year who used to always run around drunk, naked, and hitting their heads against fixed objects to see if they could break them. I really miss that. Ya know, because I really don't get to see that much anymore.

October 15, 1999
Halloween is quickly approaching. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to dress up as Austin Powers, Darth Maul, or my Aunt Ruth. I dressed up like her last weekend and it made quite an impression on the neighbors.

October 16, 1999
My rubber titmouse is broken and you can't do a durned thing about it!

October 17, 1999
I recently had the misfortune to spend the night at a friends house. The couch was comfortable enough but it was rainy night and the sump pump would noisily kick on every 1.63 minutes. WHOOOSHHH! GURGLE! KLUNK! WHOOOSHHH! GURGLE! KLUNK! ALL NIGHT LONG! Around three I had had enough and went down to the basement to unplug the thing, caring not if their basement flooded. To my surprise, it was not the sump pump at all but rather a lonely, hungry monster. I fed him their cat, we played a quick game of Scrabble (he won) and then he went to sleep as I read him Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree.

October 18, 1999
A little trick I picked up from my adolescent male cat... before I left above friends house, I personally sprayed the legs of all his furniture. His house is MINE now!

October 19, 1999
Last night, I was catching up on "Golden Girls" reruns on the Lifetime channel. I just have to mention that Estelle Getty is hilarious. Did you know she didn't even start her acting career until she was nearly 60? Just goes to show that maybe I CAN make something of myself. There's still time. Perhaps, someday, I will fulfill my lifelong dream of taming the wild Peruvian Inca Orchid Dog of Western Sri Lanka.

October 20, 1999
Sometimes I wish I were a bird. If I were, I would get to fly as high and as far as I wanted. I would get to see the world as no one else sees it. I would be a beautiful, free, untamed creature. Of course, that's a pipe dream and I can never be a bird, no matter how hard I try. Therefore, starting today, I shall shoot at every bird that flies above my head, crush every egg I come across, and smash every worm that wriggles beneath my feet. That should make me feel better.

October 21, 1999
If you think about it, we are all basically in the same boat. We all are born, we all pay taxes, we all die, and we all, no matter what color, race, creed, or stature, find ourselves at one time or another during the course of our short lives here on earth getting caught picking our nose in front of a stranger.

October 22, 1999
When I was a child, I thought like a child. When I became a man, I put away my childish things and started thinking like a man. Now that I'm a llama, I'll put away my manly things and think only about hay, grass, mud, and my 600-pound llama-mama named Llisa.

October 23, 1999
My, how the times have changed... many years ago, when I was in grade school, I would always get in trouble and promptly be given a spanking or get paddled. Nowadays, a teacher can't even touch a student without being threatened with a lawsuit. It's a shame, really. Especially for those of us who had to endure all that torture back then. Now, as a grown adult, I am forced to dial "900" numbers and pay out of my pocket with my own hard-earned money for such tortuous treatment... my, how the times have changed.

October 24, 1999

October 25, 1999
Hamsters... the poor man's guinea pig.

October 26, 1999
The best thing about eating maggot infested, rotting 3-year old provolone cheese is...uh....it's...well, it's just great, that's all--and I don't care what anybody else thinks about it.

October 27, 1999
Once in a generation a music genius comes along with talent and abilities that bend the ears of the most distant listeners. We're still waiting for that person to come along, but in the meantime, get ready for the first ever FLUID IMBIBERS CD coming to a lesbian chat room near you!

October 28, 1999
I do NOT have a problem with veal!!!!! The only time that I feel a real need for veal is when I wake up. Coffee is nice, but there's no going back once you've sipped on fresh veal broth. And, a cutlet or two during the early afternoon is nice, too. They sort of help me forget about the day. Most days, I also find myself nibbling on veal jerky until noon (veal chops for lunch...EVERYDAY!...I NEVER give on that one) and then I'm veal-free until 1:30 when my boss allows me a fifteen minute veal break. At this point, I'm not picky and will munch on just about any veal I can get my hands on. Then it nothing but veal bouillon cubes to suck on until supper (guess...that's right veal parmesan). After a few hours of TV and munching on veal-powdered potato chips, it's off to bed where I dream about life on the veal ranch where I could actually eat veal all the time.

October 29, 1999
This country needs to get back to it's roots....ENGLAND! Long live the Queen.

October 30, 1999
Ever notice how the entries at the end of the month don't seem to have the biting, cutting edge humor to which our readers have grown accustomed? Take, for instance, this one.