August 2000
Click here for a complete listing of entries.

August 1, 2000
Every August I gather a small group of friends to my house where we sit by the fire, sipping on port wine while I tell them how stupid and smelly they are. It's a way of making me feel good about myself. You should try it. E-Mail.

August 2, 2000
This season, it is fashionable to wear your jib short.E-Mail.

August 3, 2000
I'm never gonna dance again, because guilty feet have got no rhythm.E-Mail.

August 4, 2000
If you are looking for a REAL issue this political season, how about the distribution of provolone cheese to the ferret population of the midwest? Not many people like to tackle the issues like I do, but it is a real problem. Vote Lloyd in 2000! E-Mail.

August 5, 2000
A LANDMARK DAY! The Daily Journal launches its sister site, heretoforknownas YakSoup 2000. While this risk-taking internet startup is still under construction, take a look at it today and send us your input. And your peas. E-Mail.

August 6, 2000
I've had Orkin out three times and I still can't get rid of those pesky hobbits!E-Mail.

August 7, 2000
Today is a good day to finally take

The Octopus Challenge!

August 8, 2000
I may not be the best Trivial Pursuit player on the planet, but I get ALL the Scott Baio questions right.E-Mail.

August 9, 2000
My son told me a joke yesterday. The kid's only two so the punchline wasn't all that funny... didn't make a lot of sense either, nor was it well told. Good to see that he takes after his old man.E-Mail.

August 10, 2000
In my opinion, anyone with the name Vern has something to hide. And yes, that includes my Mom. E-Mail.

August 11, 2000
I took a business trip to the thriving metropolis of Indianapolis earlier this week. I don't get out to the "big city" very often, and I found it very curious that every single one of the people I saw were dining on corned beef and small children at the Chinese restaurant where we ate. But I suppose that's pretty normal for you folks in the big city. I felt like such a country bumpkin, just sittin' there, eatin' my ferrets and gravy. E-Mail.

August 12, 2000
To give you an idea of what life in the midwest is like: I was sitting down for lunch at a west side Wendy's restaurant recently when I noticed a construction worker at a table next to me on his cell phone. Apparently, a co-worker of his had recently deceased. This is how the beginning of the conversation went: "Did Earl die? No sh**?" Maybe I'm the only one that finds those two short phrases amusing. (The Daily Journal apologizes to its corporate sponsors for this vulgarity.) E-Mail.

August 13, 2000
Back in 1964, me and my wife Buelah Lynn were cookin up tortillis on the bunsen burner outside our tent, when the face of Art Carney appeared to me (you know, Ralph Cramden's little buddy? He was the one who worked in the sewer). Well, his face appeared in a tortilli, and it changed our lives. He said I was to be his appointed, anointed, and disjointed prophet, sent to heal his people from this horrible affliction known as...

BUNIONS.

August 14, 2000
I've been trying to get a promotion at work, but my boss tells me that pasting cut-out felt Bible characters to my knees isn't going to get me anywhere in this business. Little does he know that tomorrow, I won't be wearing any pants, either. E-Mail.

August 15, 2000
Ferrets make great soup testers. They don't care for beef vegetable, though. E-Mail.

August 16, 2000
For the past week, I have hogged all the Daily Journal entries from my esteemed colleagues. And I must say, some of them are most definitely below the high standards we reach for here at TDJ. So, in accordance with our ISO 9000 Standards Committee, I will be repeating my very first journal entry, nearly two years ago, and we can compare it to my last six entries:

I was just watching a stunning documentary about ham on PBS. Ham is really an interesting meat--it intrigues me nearly as much as cotto salami, but not quite. I care for summer sausage a great deal. I have some friends who don't eat meat. I understand why. It is such a travesty that those animals go through such horrendous injustices. And besides, I much prefer the flesh of young children. E-Mail.

August 17, 2000
Every successful sitcom follows a very basic formula: Take two incompatible people/groups and have them secretely be attrached to each other. It worked for the Odd Couple!E-Mail.

August 18, 2000
More sitcom tips: According to our extensive research, a good sitcom always has a wacky neighbor and at least one marmoset.E-Mail.

August 19, 2000
Speaking of marmosets, my Uncle Mert had a family of South African Pygmy Monkeys. He named each one of them Phil. E-Mail.

August 20, 2000
Today I decided to be naked underneath my clothes. Tomorrow I'll be naked completely. You've gotta work your way up, that's what my Pa always used to say. E-Mail.

August 21, 2000
AAAAAH!!! THE LITTLE GREEN DEMONS IN THE FAX MACHINE ARE TRYING TO GNAW INTO MY EARLOBES AGAIN!!! MAKE THEM GO AWAY!! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! E-Mail.

August 22, 2000
I apologize for yesterday's outburst. The Little Green Demons in the Fax Machine met with me today, and we've worked out our differences. E-Mail.

August 23, 2000
Sometimes, I just want to take a nap. A nice, big, long nap. Close my eyes and drift off... counting sheep... thinking happy thoughts as my mind closes down and my body enters complete relaxation... But after this morning's incident on the way to work, my insurance company says that isn't a good idea anymore. E-Mail.

August 24, 2000
Nobody has a big of an objection to the evils of sauerkraut as I do. But live and let live, that's what I say. E-Mail.

August 25, 2000
My job has been "remapped". What this means is that even though I interviewed for and received a job working with computer programming, my supervisors have decided that instead, they will have me lie on the floor each morning and they will heap large boulders upon my chest.E-Mail.

August 26, 2000
On Tuesday I decided to eat my weight in deep fried elephant testicles. I don't think I was in my right mind then.E-Mail.

August 27, 2000
The people in my office have started dressing up like Emo Phillips and slapping each other with rabid sheep. I must have missed that particular memo.E-Mail.

August 28, 2000
Let us all bow our heads for those regular readers who work in the bowels of Hell.


Okay! Anyone for volleyball?E-Mail.

August 29, 2000
Some call us The Daily Journal. Others call us The Oracle, The Great Predictor. For instance, here is an entry from last October:

...Since we are leading the way in cutting edge technology, TDJ will soon be introducing a "fantasy life league," in which you can own the lives of such exciting players as Fred Tackersly, an accountant from Sioux Falls, or Gerty von Frankenheimer, a housewife from Duluth! Earn points a variety of ways, ranging from what your players eat for breakfast, to whether or not they arrive at work on time! And don't forget, bonus points can be earned if your players wash their hands after urinating!

If you follow PC gaming at all, you are aware that in February of this year, "The Sims" was released, which is, well, exactly what we predicted last year. So, to prepare the general public for our acute foreknowledge, here is another small prediction, this one in the world of fashion. In the very near future, people of all ethnic backgrounds will attach argyle socks to their clavicles. We've already invested in argyle stocks. We'll make millions for sure! E-Mail.

August 30, 2000
As is typical of late, here it is the end of the month with a couple of blank spaces for entries. Since tomorrow is September, no one will read these few orphaned entries. Therefore I shall use this space to speak of my deep love of mechanically separated meat products. I love 'em. Thank you for listening.E-Mail.

August 31, 2000
My entire life has been based upon the lessons I learned while watching Marvin Suggs and his amazing Muppetphones: If you hit smally furry things with mallets, they will squeak.E-Mail.