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July 1, 2000
Recently I took all of my money out of the bank and buried it in my neighbors tomato garden. It looks like he's getting ready to harvest any day now, so I suppose it's time to move it to the bottom of the Port-o-let where my boy play's baseball. E-Mail.
July 2, 2000
Most folks don't realize that the signers of the American Declaration of Independence anticipated that July 2nd, not July 4th, would be the day celebrated by our country to commemorate the birth of our nation. In addition, Benjamin Franklin desired that the turkey, not the American Bald Eagle, be the symbol of our country. But wait, there's more! Famed for his having the largest signature on the Declaration of Independence, John Hancock wrote, "Screw you, you girlie-boy English with your smelly Earl Grey tea" under his signature. Ok, I'm lying about one of these. E-Mail.
July 3, 2000
More than likely, the big fleshy growth protruding from the bottom of my chin is a pumpkin because I'm pretty certain that I accidentally swallowed a few pumpkin seeds one day. Wait, it's also possible that it could be a lemur. E-Mail.
July 4, 2000
When baseball was originally invented in our country, it was intended to be played by eels and small rodents. It's amazing how the game has evolved into what it is today. E-Mail.
July 5, 2000
I keep a pad of paper and a pencil next to my bed just in case I get any good ideas for journal entries in the middle of the night. I also keep a package of Double-Stuff Oreos™ and a glass of milk there in case I get hungry. Ok, you can see where this one is going. I have no entry for today because it's hard to read what I wrote on the bedspread using the Oreos and I'm still trying to get that stupid pencil and paper to pass through my digestive track. E-Mail.
June 6, 2000
Friends have told me that my best shot at stardom is for me to do something with my interpretive dancing, a 50 gallon drum of gasoline, and a carton of fire-crackers. I'm not sure what they're getting at because I'm pretty certain that the popping sound of the firecrackers would be a distraction to my dancing. E-Mail.
July 7, 2000
Toadstool dare I say
How much you mean to my soul.
I just wet my pants. E-Mail.
June 8, 2000
Surely you all know that July is National "Adopt A Greyhound" month here in America. I have to admit that I got a head start and started saving up LAST July. Well, I'm now the proud new owner of a 1963 Greyhound Bus and it's parked in my front lawn. I'm pretty certain that the neighbors are all jealous, even though they have not said anything. In fact, they don't even come over any more. E-Mail.
June 9, 2000
MORE TOADSTOOL HAIKU...
Toadstool can we make
Meaning out of our dull lives
I just wet my pants. E-Mail.
July 10, 2000
James Brown may be the Godfather of Soul, but my cousin Chester is probably the Godmother of Processed Cheese Snacks.E-Mail.
July 11, 2000
Reflecting back on last week's Independence Day holiday, I would like to comment on the sad state of patriotism among our country's prairie dog population. I think you all know what I mean.E-Mail.
July 12, 2000
I'm considering having all my blood drained and replaced with Thank-You Brand tapioca pudding.E-Mail.
July 13, 2000
It is only through trial and error that I've learned that you cannot substitute funnel cake for a funnel when changing your oil. Also, they taste much better before you use them to change your oil.E-Mail.
July 14, 2000
Where are the national discussions on sesame seeds?E-Mail.
July 15, 2000
Steve Urkel is passe'... the "Hey Vern" guy is dead... Jim Carey is no longer playing simple slapstick. OH WHO WILL SAVE THIS COUNTRY FROM BECOMING A SOCIETY OF INTELLECTUALS?!?!?!E-Mail.
July 16, 2000
Not enough llamas are wearing pajamas. They walk around naked and they're scaring the kids.E-Mail.
July 17, 2000
Last night, I filled in as an announcer at a classical music radio station where I used to work. As I returned to my other, boring, "real" job this morning, it struck me: All three primary Daily Journal writers have worked as announcers (or "DJs," for those hip-hop readers at home) at radio stations around the midwest. Each one of us has sat in an ugly chair, flipped switches, adjusted levels, and spoken in soothing tones to a huge listening audience. And each one of us, at one time or another, has shouted "IT'S ABOUT HIGH TIME TO TAKE UP ARMS AGAINST THE INCENDIARY FERRETS OF THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS!" into the microphone. (E-Mail.
July 18, 2000
I've been feeling rather sickly today. There isn't anything really funny about that. Except I noticed last time I blew my nose that I put enough force into it that I launched two trout across the room. One out of each nostril. And I'm actually feeling much better.E-Mail.
July 19, 2000
At my last job, it seems like there was always food to be found, some tray of goodies left carelessly where moochers like myself could snag a cookie or a brownie. And although I don't miss the 10-15 pounds I gained while working there I definitely miss the surprise of finding you just bit into someones pet poodle instead of a tasty coconut-flaked chocolate.E-Mail.
July 20, 2000
Starting today, I pledge to be more swarthy.E-Mail.
July 21, 2000
It was a mere two weeks ago that I said to the Mrs. over a breakfast of blood sausages, "Mrs., methinks it's time we had more lentils in our diet."E-Mail.
July 22, 2000
Before Parker Brothers came out with the Mr. Potato Head, they test marketed the Androgenous Eggplant Appendage in Boise, Idaho.E-Mail.
July 23, 2000
I had a nightmare last night where I was forced to choose between the Two Fat Ladies for my eternal love partner. I say nightmare because it is my well-documented fantasty to have them both.E-Mail.
July 24, 2000
Corn, corn. Corn, corncorncorn corn corn. CORN. Corn, corn corn corncorn corn corn, corn--corn. Corn corn? Corn Corn corn. E-Mail.
July 25, 2000
Yesterday I had a dream where the only thing I could say was "corn". It was very frustrating and I'm glad it was only a dream. E-Mail.
July 26, 2000
I had to break it to my old cousin Earl that he should find a better use of his time other than trying out for the U.S. Waterpolo team. Ever since the multiple radial arm saw accidents and the run in with the pack of angry wolverines after his parachute didn't open up during his first solo jump, he just hasn't been the same. I think his attitude would prevent him from giving it his all--plus it would be tough for the other players to keep his body afloat since he has no recognizable appendages. E-Mail.
July 27, 2000
I'm currently working on a correspondence course for penguins and ostriches that wish to learn how to fly. E-Mail.
July 28, 2000
Pauly Shore--where are you when America needs you? E-Mail.
July 29, 2000
Here's a great trick for you guys that frequent the bars. Put exactly $3.75 in the juke box and choose track number 9999. It won't appear on the list, but it's automatically loaded onto every jukebox every made. Track 9999 is an actual recording of ferrets mating in a futon warehouse. The sound will instantly clear out the bar. Then you can choose "Achey, Breaky Heart" and two-step by yourself until the cows come home. YEEEEE-HAAAAA. E-Mail.
July 30, 2000
Whenever I buy bandages, I always make sure that I buy up every box I can get my hands on from every store within a 15 mile radius. This way, I can sell them back to ALL of my neighbors who need them. Plus, I can delay giving them out to people that really annoy me. It's just one of the many ways that I like to give back to the community that made me who I am. E-Mail.
July 31, 2000
No matter how you slice it, an English Muffin is not a lethal weapon. E-Mail.