June 2000
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June 1, 2000
When you're in the same job for a long time, you get comfortable and forget some of the rules of business etiquette. Of course, when you start a new job, these quickly come back to you. For instance, I am now 95% certain that when the boss says, "hello" at the beginning of the day, I should choose NOT to pelt him with camel droppings. E-Mail.

June 2, 2000
The first CD you make with your very own CD burner always holds a special place in your heart. My first was 74 uninterrupted minutes of a rat giving birth to a raccoon. You talk about painful screams. E-Mail.

June 3, 2000
I think that I'm convincing my boss that I am truly creative and that my skills can be used around here. Sure, the tapioca pudding Regis statue in the showroom of the store was a flop, but just wait until I finish up with my new idea for ties decorated with dog's vomit. This will turn Rush Limburger up on his ear with his fancy shmancy ties. E-Mail.

June 4, 2000
This newer, faster computer that I'm now using is incredible. Solitaire and Notepad never looked so good.  E-Mail.

June 5, 2000
Growing up as a child in Northeastern Indiana, it was always my dream to bathe with Boris Yeltsin in a vat of french-fry grease. I'm still holding out that it will happen before he heads to that big Vodka glass in the sky, but in the meantime, I'd be willing to scuba dive in green Jell-O with Margaret Thatcher. E-Mail.

June 6, 2000
I've decided to give Botulism another chance.  E-Mail.

June 7, 2000
Upon returning from my vacation to Las Vegas, the thing that surprised me the most was the lack of instrumental Armenian folk song dance groups that perform at the larger hotels. E-Mail.

June 8, 2000
Until this morning, no one had discovered my unique habit of covering my chest with frozen orange juice concentrate. Now I'll have to get my daily dose of Vitamin C in some other strange, erotic way. E-Mail.

June 9, 2000
I think I've decided against the hamster conversion operation. Yeah, those habitrails would be cool but I have enough sexual anxiety without worrying that my mate will eat our young. E-Mail.

June 10, 2000
A short German lady just shuttled past my cubicle opening. She doesn't smile much, especially after that incident in the cafeteria involving [insert condiment of your choice here for maximum comedic value]. E-Mail.

June 11, 2000
Ummmmm.... riboflavin! E-Mail.

June 12, 2000
Recently, giant 50' turtles have invaded the sleepy burg of Fort Wayne. It's okay, though, they aren't hell bent on destruction like the hoard of giant penguins that invaded in '98, plus they move so slowly you can usually dodge their flippers. E-Mail.

June 13, 2000
It's a good thing I used my last wish for a tasty 10oz piece of scrod or else I wouldn't have anything to use with my mountain of tartar sauce or my lifetime supply of sporks. E-Mail.

June 14, 2000
BEWARE: This entry contains heavy doses of sarcasm!
I've reached a new world's record for being so pissed so early in the morning! And to think that I owe it all to our valued customers who once again prove that you don't have to have brains to have lots of money.

June 15, 2000
For my wife's birthday tomorrow, I've decided to take her to the Midwest's only gravy boat factory, located just two hours northeast of here in Floyds Knobs, Indiana. It may not top last year's trip to Ohio's beef jerky processing plant, but if I know my wife, she'll be plenty excited. E-Mail.

June 16, 2000
I've completely given up on the prospect of ever climbing a 100-foot mountain of oatmeal. E-Mail.

June 17, 2000
Put yer hands in the air,
Wave 'em like ya just don't care

I've been thinking about those two lines for quite a while now and I'm just having trouble ignoring my MANY reasons for waving my hands while they are in the air. I'll never make it in hip-hop. E-Mail.

June 18, 2000
I heard on the radio today that tapeworms can grow to be two feet long. I'm not sure what grosses me out more: a two-foot tape worm living in the intestines of my dog, or...no, never mind. That's about the grossest thing I could ever imagine. E-Mail.

June 19, 2000
The label on my 20 ounce bottle of Coke (i.e. 591 mL for you metric dorks) says that I could win $1 Million or...Free Coke. It's hard to imagine. I might actually win FREE COKE. E-Mail.

June 20, 2000
Oh my goodness! We're a week behind in our Journal entries. Under pressure to write a few entries very quickly, I'll just give three ingredients to add excitement to any party: Prunes. Aluminum foil. Baby grand piano. Oh, and a set of crash helmets. E-Mail.

June 21, 2000
I don't think the younger generation really appreciates the fact that toast is an easy, nutritious supplement to any breakfast. E-Mail.

June 22, 2000
I keep smacking my leg on the sharp corners of drawers here at my desk. To alleviate this problem, I have submitted a 12-page proposal to my boss that explains the various pros and cons of using Swiss cheese as headgear. I'm not sure if he completely understands the correlation, but just in case he doesn't, I'm submitting a 30-page instructional kit on how to turn cardboard, power steering fluid, and brown mustard into a handy cat adhesive. E-Mail.

June 23, 2000
I'm writing this at the neighborhood library while my son attends story time. I'm pretty sure that the 350 pound hairy guy with a flounder is NOT a library employee. E-Mail.

June 24, 2000
Libraries are really useful places. For instance, if you ever want to know what a demented homeless guy who slept in his own urine smells like, he's at 615.36 .E-Mail.

June 25, 2000
The trouble with today's society is that there just aren't enough sitcoms with goofy neighbors named "Goat Teat". E-Mail.

June 26, 2000
Each morning before trudging off to work I put a live slug in each sock. It's not the most pleasant feeling int he world, such as, say, putting couscous or granulated elephant ovaries in your socks, but at least it keeps my mind off the fact that I spend eight hours a day in a cubicle. E-Mail.

June 27, 2000
Currently, I'm wearing full scuba gear as I write this. I'm 12 hours from the nearest beach, so there's not much use for it. But somehow, I find it more enjoyable to breathe like this and it keeps the neighbors away. E-Mail.

June 28, 2000
Things I've learned since yesterday: NEVER hit a slug with a sledgehammer while wearing shorts.

June 29, 2000
Today's mystery food is Honeydew melon. Write it down now. E-Mail.

June 30, 2000
I thought there were 31 days in June and I went and planned a big party for tomorrow telling everyone that the party would be held on June 31st. Everyone probably thought it was a joke but what am I going to do with this giant statue of Mel Gibson that I had carved out of bologna? E-Mail.