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May 1, 2000
Ah, the Month of May. Here in Indianapolis (where at least one of the TDJ writes lives and works) we get pretty sentimental about this month because it always means the return of the Indianapolis 500. For the most part, this is a month-long event (now condensed to just two weeks) culminated with the actual running of the race on Memorial Day weekend. However, in reality, May is the time when drunken men place giant beer company banners across their garage doors that read "Welcome Race Fans". There's nothing better to spice up a nice home in the suburbs or county than a "Welcome Race Fans" plastic banner sponsored by Coors. Wives love 'em because black and white checkerboard patterns with beer logos go with everything--especially the pastel tulips. E-Mail.
May 2, 2000
While eating lunch I got a bit of hamburger juice on my hand and it ran down my arm. Mmmmmm... juicy burger. Anyway, I took a bath in a vat of ketchup to get the juice off. Then I jumped into a tub full of mayonaise to remove the ketchup. Then it was off to the giant jar of pickle juice for a de-mayonaise treatment. Now if only I could find where I put my whirlpool full of mustard, I could get rid of this pickle smell.E-Mail.
May 3, 2000
A lot of people are making a big deal out of this new inter-planetary travel but it ain't no picnic spending fifteen months in coach on the way to Saturn.E-Mail.
May 4, 2000
Right now, my liver is tingling. It's an odd sensation, though not completely unlike the feeling one gets when live butterflies are inserted into one's stomach through a simple, relatively painless outpatient operation.E-Mail.
May 5, 2000
Scientists aren't too concerned about the alignment of eight planets today at 4:08 am EST today, that is, they won't be until Milton Berle rises from the grave to wreck havoc on humanity with a wet squeegee.E-Mail.
May 6, 2000
Okay, I'll admit that my Chicken Gravy flavored chewing gum wasn't a huge hit. I just don't understand it, though. Our our test market in Fluid Lake, Ontario told us that there was a big market for this product among toothless 14 year old males named Veronica.E-Mail.
May 7, 2000
Being drawn and quartered is not nearly as much fun as it sounds.E-Mail.
May 8, 2000
Ok, so we got just a little bit ahead of ourselves. According to the Dead People Server (one of my favorite sites) Milton Berle is STILL ALIVE! Sadly, Seņor Wences and Lawrence Welk are still dead. E-Mail.
May 9, 2000
I've got this horrendous headache that extends from my occipital lobe to just above my eyes, my body aches, and my aforementioned eyes are itchy and watery. That's right! I've got garden gnomes in my pants again!E-Mail.
May 10, 2000
With the exception of certain turnips to be named later, I hereby renounce all further association with root vegetables.E-Mail.
May 11, 2000
I was just thinking about GOITER and how it's such a funny name for a disease. Of course, it's not nearly as funny as RichardSimmonOnnaSitis, the condition where one has a conjoined twin that looks remarkably like Richard Simmons.E-Mail.
May 12, 2000
As a result of years of freebasing Wild Watermelon flavored Fruit Roll-Ups, my creativity has been stifled and there will be no Daily Journal entry today. E-Mail.
May 13, 2000
Years ago, in an anatomy class, I realized that the words "femur" and "lemur" are amazingly similar. A coincidence? I don't know. But I bet the strange, furry animal that seems to be growing out of a cyst in my thigh does. E-Mail.
May 14, 2000
I've never been one to wet my pants, but lately it's been happening quite a bit. Somehow, I find it liberating to just let it out whenever I feel the urge. It also makes it a lot easier to catch up on all of the reruns of "Chips". E-Mail.
May 15, 2000
I never intended to hurt anyone when I decided to take these moose hormones. How was I supposed to know that people would be scared of a six-foot tall, blonde headed man with giant moose antlers and hooves. E-Mail.
May 16, 2000
Cheer up. Someday, you'll be grown up just like me and you can spend your waning days staring at the dull-glowing cathode ray tube just like I do. E-Mail.
May 17, 2000
If I had to really put my finger on when my problems started, it probably had something to do with the time I drank an entire vat of fryer fat one evening when I used to work at McDonalds. E-Mail.
May 18, 2000
With the exception of the turbulence, lack of any "real food" and throwing up in a 3 foot by 3 foot bathroom, flying is a lot like driving.E-Mail.
May 19, 2000
This is my last day at work before my vacation. On Monday, I'm off to fabulous Las Vegas. I've never been there, but all my friends tell me it is really nice. Although I'm not sure whether to believe them when they tell me stories about the infamous Nevada Pretzel Rod Slasher, a local serial killer. They also tried to convince me that there are these machines that spit out lots of money once in awhile, but I'm not that gullible. E-Mail.
May 20, 2000
I've never been much for oatmeal. I have to admit that it is a fascinating breakfast food, but it looks too much like dog vomit to me. Although now that I make that comparison, it doesn't sound half bad. E-Mail.
May 21, 2000
It's been a long time since I've taken on a new job, but I don't ever remember being required to wear the boss's thermal underwear on my head while eating lunch. Also, I'm a little suspicious about this daily "bloodletting" thing.E-Mail.
May 22, 2000
Not many people talk about Merv Griffin nowadays. Guess he never should have appeared at the Vatican in drag.E-Mail.
May 23, 2000
After a great deal of personal introspection, I've decided that perhaps hamster stuffing is not the best topic to bring up at Sunday dinner with the pastor.E-Mail.
May 24, 2000
There are five entries that are needed to complete this month, and so I write. Normally, under such circumstances, I would just step into a parallel dimension and ask the first "person" I found to tell me about their day. Instant journal entry. But today I'm going about it the hard way, ingesting large amounts of pork products until I reach a higher state of consciousness. So I'm kinda busy with all this pimento loaf and the journal entry will have to wait.E-Mail.
May 25, 2000
So there I was, riding my llama, wearing my poncho to the soup and cheese store, when a large sasquatch sauntered by on his way to by some veal with his aardvark pals when he stopped suddenly, turned to me and said, "I'm not wearing any pants." Then he died.E-Mail.
May 26, 2000
The way I figure it, if you have to wear false teeth, be sure to at least get the glow-in-the-dark deluxe plastic vampire variety.E-Mail.
May 27, 2000
I've just gotta find a way to waste electricity more efficiently.E-Mail.
May 28, 2000
In recognition for my work above and beyond expectations here at work, I get to wear the fake bushy eyebrows for a whole week.E-Mail.
May 29, 2000
I was having a bum day so for lunch I ordered a Happy Meal from McDonalds. Didn't do a dad-blurned thing for my mood so I think I'll sue.E-Mail.
May 30, 2000
The first day at work after the long Memorial Day weekend and I am extemely sore. Guess I overdid it a bit. Who would have guessed that burying a body would take so much out of you?E-Mail.
May 31, 2000
Why is it so hard to get down to work and why is it so easy to taunt my cubicle neighbors with shrieks of "BANANARAMA!"?E-Mail.