August 1, 2001
This weekend I purchased a guitar for my 7 year old son. He really likes it and wants to start learning how to play. I plan on taking him through a good method teaching book so he learns how to play the right way. Then, once he's good I will be jealous of his abilities and any success he achieves along the way so as to create this chasm between us that will last well into his thirties when we will finally be ruinited by our love for one another at a run-on-sentence convention. E-Mail.

August 2, 2001
The 2nd day of August was full of tradition at our home. However, we never bothered to participate in any of the tradition. In fact, I'm almost certain we've managed to forget all of the traditions. But, nonetheless, the day is still filled with tradition. E-Mail.

August 3, 2001
Am I the only one who is disturbed by the fact that chocolatier Fannie May's sister, Frannie May, makes those rubber fake doggie doodies? E-Mail.

August 4, 2001
Although they may look similar, if you run out of cat liter, DO NOT substitute Quickrete (TM). Yes, it clumps better than those clumping name brands, but taking your cat into the vet every three or four days to have him chipped out gets to be a real pain. E-Mail.

August 5, 2001
Once again the trolls that live under my office desk have eaten a summer temp... and I get the blame. E-Mail.

August 6, 2001
Uses for Liquid Paper #72 (from my upcoming book, 202 More Uses for Liquid Paper):
Apply liberally for dazzling white teeth. For special occasions, color coordinate with the new line of colored Liquid Paper. E-Mail.

August 7, 2001
When you work for a poultry processing plant, employee events aren't always a big hit. Sure, the dunk tank full of gravy was fun but the Entrail-Eating contest was a complete bust. E-Mail.

August 8, 2001
No matter what the voices tell you, never yell out "I'm filled with tinier men!" at a NASCAR event. E-Mail.

August 9, 2001
Rumors close to the source indicate that Windows 98 shipped with a feature that subliminally flashes messages on the screen. There is no word yet on the exact message but I intend to find out just as soon as I finish mailing this blank check to Bill Gates. E-Mail.

August 10, 2001
The uses of the amazing needle-nose pliers are legion. For instance, just last night I used them to pull a needle out of my nose. Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week... and be sure to try the veal. E-Mail.

August 11, 2001
I had a tattoo of Mickey Mouse tattooed on my rump a few months back. Well, it didn't take long before I received a letter from the Disney lawyers indicating that they own my ass yet determined sum of money. E-Mail.

August 12, 2001
Only five more months until my wife's vow of celibacy is over! E-Mail.

August 13, 2001
I just love the neighborhood we live in. There's the centrally located playground and pool, a pink flamingo on every lawn, plus the community salt lick. The best thing, though, is that it's quite exclusive. Nope, you won't find any Belgian-born crossword puzzle authors in MY neck of the woods! E-Mail.

August 14, 2001
No matter how you market them, poodle tacos just don't sell well in Indiana. Ohio, however... E-Mail.

August 15, 2001
If you absolutely must wear your rodeo gear to work, be aware that it is customary to leave your spurs outside the door of any meetings you might attend. E-Mail.

August 16, 2001
So many urinals... so little time. E-Mail.

August 17, 2001
It took me three years of prep school to realize that no amount of frosting will make a urinal cake taste like a Hostess snack cake. E-Mail.

August 18, 2001
There comes a time in every man's life when he must make that most difficult decision: veal or jackrabbit. E-Mail.

August 19, 2001
The other day, while my wife and I were driving our Chrysler minivan to Chili's with the kids (all decked out in their Gap Kids outfits) we noticed ANOTHER strip mall going into our area. We started talking about how homogenized our world was becoming and decided to do something about it, but that's when we realized that the new strip mall was going to include a Starbucks, so we celebrated by taking the kids to Old Navy. E-Mail.

August 20, 2001
There are SOME people on this planet that spend SO much time complaining about the big things in life that they fail to realize it's just as much fun to complain about the small things. Take chewing gum wrappers, as an example--don't they just annoy you to death? And what's the deal with pipe cleaners, anyway? Why do they come in different colors and who actually uses them to clean pipes? E-Mail.

August 21, 2001
Isn't it odd how sometimes our bodies seem to work on autopilot--like when you get to work and cannot remember anything about the drive to get there? Well, I had an odd autopilot mix-up experience this morning once I got into the office. Somehow, I got my morning "bathroom autopilot ritual" mixed up with my morning "autopilot report to my boss ritual." Needless to say, I'm getting my resume together. E-Mail.

August 22, 2001
On the way to work this morning I got a ticket for "thinking about running a stop sign"--$135!!! Can you believe it? I was really impressed that the officer knew that. Normally, I would have questioned such an odd offense, but I didn't want to take a chance on getting a ticket for "imagining a police officer's really tacky hairpiece being crammed up his backside." E-Mail.

August 23, 2001
One of the friends of The Daily Journal has a little band that he wishes to re-name. Please help him out by sending him an e-mail at jackiefly_chad@yahoo.com and suggesting the name, "Stevie and the Sausage Stuffers." SERIOUSLY, WE WANT EVERYONE THAT READS THIS TO ACTUALLY E-MAIL OUR FRIEND CHAD WITH THE SUGGESTED NAME. DON'T DELAY, DO IT TODAY. THANK YOU. Send that letter to Chad!!!

August 24, 2001
In my experience, I've found that an apple day will keep the doctor away, but to be safe you might want to get that restraining order anyway. E-Mail.

August 25, 2001
A spider monkey is not a good wedding gift, no matter how well the taxidermist did his job. E-Mail.

August 26, 2001
By now, most of our readers are familiar with the "A brain is a terrible thing to waste" ad campaign. Our readers in New Mexico are also familiar with the regional "Hey everybody, I've got shingles!" campaign. E-Mail.

August 27, 2001
After lengthy discussions among the three of us it has been decided that full frontal nudity will only be tolerated on the second Tuesday of each month. E-Mail.

August 28, 2001
Some people just have to ruin the fun for everybody. That person is me. E-Mail.

August 29, 2001
Binnoculars are great for getting through long meetings. Be sure to let everyone know who has the largest pores. E-Mail.

August 30, 2001
A three legged dog is a sorry sight but my uncle Earl is famous for his Kentucky barbecue. E-Mail.

August 31, 2001
I fear I've slipped off the edge into dementia. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that the talking tater tots make an awful racket when you chew them. E-Mail.