September 1, 2001
It's September, which means the lingering summer will soon fade into the distance as fall descends upon us. It's also the time that I usually have to scrape all of the dead skin off of my mother's feet. E-Mail.

September 2, 2001
We have to voucher all of our expenses at work whenever we spend company money. Some of the guys get pretty creative with their reports. However, I'm having a hard time coming up with a way to justify my $3,000 racoon skin cap that I purchased during a recent trip. In my mind, it's a legitimate business expense since I wear it to work along with the $4,000 beaver pelt vest that I purchased last year. E-Mail.

September 3, 2001
I was pleased to learn that one of my old collegues had decided to name a street after me in one of the suburban additions he's developing. We had a falling out a few years back and I really didn't think he'd ever get over it. Now, every time that I stroll down "Crapforbrains Boulevard" I think of how much we've both grown. E-Mail.

September 4, 2001
Most of the people that I work with are senseless twits and don't hear the voices I hear, calling me to burst them into pieces with my imaginary jackhammer. E-Mail.

September 5, 2001
From the MSNBC web site:
E-Mail.

September 6, 2001
Now that Mr. Rogers is retired, he can finally pursue his true love : Nude Body Painting. E-Mail.

September 7, 2001
My worst fear as a homeowner came true last night when I discovered an infestation of unemployed English majors underneath my front porch. E-Mail.

September 8, 2001
My latest invention marries fresh rubber cement with underpants. Never fall prey to bullies again! E-Mail.

September 9, 2001
I went to high school in a very artsy community. Yeah, they had sports but only if the teams could raise enough money through bake sales. My favorite memories revolve around the pep rallies where the members of the band would be introduced and paraded around the auditorium while the athletes would be off to the side, dressed alike and forced to wear large frilly hats, running and jumping in support of the band. E-Mail.

September 10, 2001
(GUEST ENTRY FROM A REAL READER--WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE RELATED TO ONE OF US) Disclaimer: The author of this journal is currently experiencing a state of euphoria known as "the 101° fever" and is residing in a jail cell, where he is being eyed in a disturbing fashion by a lumpy man known as "Viper." Apparently, the fever was acquired by means that constitute a felony in Florida, which is doubly surprising to me since I wasn't aware you could bottle a fever and I'm even less cognisant of the circumstances under which I would purchase such a thing. The arresting officer mentioned something about cutting the fever with black tar heroin being the problem, but I missed most of what he said, as I was laughing at his comical "Gary Coleman in buttless trousers" disguise. Even more odd is the fact that I seem to be in jail in Georgia. E-Mail.

September 11, 2001
It's not appropriate for us to write anything funny today (although some would argue that we've YET to write anything humorous). Nonetheless, it's a horrible day for our nation and I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when this all happened. Hug your kids. Pray to Jesus. E-Mail.

September 12, 2001
Today, things were a little more back to normal at the office--with the exception of one incident that occured early on. At about 8:00 am, an unfamiliar man walked into my cube and simply asked, "Heads or tails?"

Not sure of what to do, I stated, "heads" and the man tossed the coin into the air. My only guess is that it must have landed on "tails" because as soon as he looked at the coin (which he quickly concealed to his pocket) I was pelted repeatedly with what appeared to be chicken livers. Has this happened to anyone else today? Please let me know by dropping me a line. E-Mail.

September 13, 2001
In ancient Greece, religious leaders dissected chicken livers to tell the future. Had technology been advanced enough for them to possess the power of the Magic 8 Ball, one has the impression that history would have charted a very different course. E-Mail.

September 14, 2001
When the CEO of your company begins his speech by referring to investors as "them rich panty-waisted slack-jawed suckers" it's probably a good time to polish the resume. E-Mail.

September 15, 2001
There's no moniker as terrifying to the five year old child of a Paxel-dispensing psychiatrist as "gloomy gus." E-Mail.

September 16, 2001
Not many people collect dried out corn cobs these days, which is why I've been hoarding them in the trunk of my car. Once they come back in style I'll make millions. E-Mail.

September 17, 2001
Soup is good for what ails you, unless that soup is a pungent concoction of cyanide, ammonia, licorice whips and pencil shavings. E-Mail.

September 18, 2001
Most people don't care that you were the county curling champion in 1973 so get over it! E-Mail.

September 19, 2001
Staring at a solar eclipe can cause damage to your eyes, staring directly into the sun even more. But for real retinal damage, try gazing at the evil, balding head of my supervisor under the deceptive glow of flourescent lighting for half an hour. E-Mail.

September 20, 2001
Golden Retrievers are great pets but they're even better broiled. E-Mail.

September 21, 2001
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Well, thanks to the marvels of 21st century science we now know that the answer is about 3-4 board feet of wood. E-Mail.

September 22, 2001
Oak is a popular wood for projects because it's a plentiful hardwood with nice grain features, but it tastes like chicken--how banal. E-Mail.

September 23, 2001
It just occured to me that yesterday was the first time I've ever used the word "banal" in a TDJ entry. It was also the first time I've written an entry while tripping on a deadly concoction of Robitussin, goat's milk and Strawberry Pez. E-Mail.

September 24, 2001
It's been three weeks since I last fell asleep on the recliner in the living room while watching TV. Moving that recliner and TV to the bedroom has been a real blessing. E-Mail.

September 25, 2001
Okay, fellers--let's be honest. Take the TOTAL HONESTY QUIZ below...

1. Setting or adjusting your wristwatch functions is something you usually do...
a. When you're planning your day
b. Before you go to bed
c. When you're sitting on the toilet

2. Organizing your "List of things to do" is something you usually do...
a. Before you leave for work
b. Immediatly following your daily intensive meditation routine
c. When you're sitting on the toilet

3. Thinking of potential gift ideas for relatives is something you usually do...
a. When you're shopping at the mall
b. When you're browsing through catalogs or online retail websites
c. When you're sitting on the toilet

If you answered anything other than "c" for these questions, you are NOT TOTALLY HONEST. E-Mail.

September 26, 2001

Crusty, brown, thread-worn
A gift from my great Aunt Jim
I love you left sock. E-Mail.

September 27, 2001
On land, at sea, or on rock
Near clocks that go tickey-tock
There's one that I love
And it isn't a glove
But rather my stinky left sock
E-Mail.

September 28, 2001
And now in OTTAVA RIMA!

There are many things I like to wear
Pants, shirts, briefs, a shoe.
Sometimes a ribbon in my hair,
Always pink and never blue.
I once traded undies with a she-man Cher
But the other rumors aren't true
But my favorite is my green left sock
As I like to wear it on my anybody seen the mayonnaise?

BONUS Ottava rima:
On Tuesdays I always choose veal
With a small side order of noodles.
It's perhaps my most favorite meal
When dining with children or poodles.
But today I'll be eating with Neal
And so I shall order the strudles
My hunger it shall assuage
Before a brief Bible message E-Mail.

September 29, 2001
AND NOW...THE "CLERIHEW" FORM...

My friend Jason
Smells just like a raison
Jam between his toes
Shoves it up his nose
E-Mail.

September 30, 2001
AND FINALLY...RHYME ROYAL...

I find great joy in smoking a turnip
The feeling that it gives is out of sight
My grandmother tried and then broke her hip
Now she cannot go break dancing at night
Just sits in her chair now, something's not right
Turnip after turnip, smoking them down
My supply is gone now, I'm leaving town
E-Mail.