October 1, 2001
They just opened up one of those new Wal-Mart stores in my town and they are just amazing! They’ve got a grocery store, a clothing store, a sports store, a hardware store, a toy store and so much more, all under one roof! The best part is that they also have an eye doctor and a gastrointestional endoscopy booth, both a low Wal-Mart prices. E-Mail.

October 2, 2001
As part of our ever-continuing efforts to make millions for sure, The Daily Journal has come up with a new slogan to grow the ailing meat industry. Once the see our genius, we are sure they will send us a million bucks. Are you ready? The new slogan is "I squeal for veal." E-Mail.

October 3, 2001
No company celebration is complete without a ride on Steve, the Jersey Cow. E-Mail.

October 4, 2001
Tonight there shall be Fluid Imbiber recording at the Aardvark Lounge Recording Closet. Little does Mr. Shuman know but we've replaced the pickups in his guitar with Folgers Crystals. Let's watch as he attempts to sing a song about dogs making gravy, shall we? E-Mail.

October 5, 2001
Emeril has a good show now, much better than his first show, which ran on the SPICE network and involved him cooking in the buff (yes, he's a hairy man). Oddly enough, the audience members made the same groaning sounds as they do on his current show. E-Mail.

October 6, 2001
While everyone knows that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, few know that they are also effective against personal injury lawyers. Of course, you have to wing them apples pretty hard and aim for the head, but they work. E-Mail.

October 7, 2001
This year for Halloween I'm going as a giant carpet fiber. E-Mail.

October 8, 2001
If you have kids at home might I suggest that you GET THE GOATS OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! THEY'LL POOP ON THE CARPET!!! Jeez, what were you thinking?!?! Goats in the house! E-Mail.

October 9, 2001
I have nothing to write for today so I'll revert to the old standby - MONKIES! Yes, nothing brings a smile to the face like a bunch of monkies, grooming bugs out of each others' coats and poking each other in the eyes with pointy sticks. MONKIES! E-Mail.

October 10, 2001
Right now there are three men having an impromptu conference right outside my cubicle doorway. Two of them aren't wearing pants. E-Mail.

October 11, 2001
To celebrate the season, my family and I are carving our pumpkins to look like Jimmy Buffet. E-Mail.

October 12, 2001
Once again, it looks like I'm going this month alone. The other two daily journalers are busy donating sperm to the Red Cross. I'm not bitter that I was rejected... E-Mail.

October 13, 2001
While I agree that the previous entry was tasteless, when you consider that I'm six days behind schedule and that our readership consists of three college dropouts partial to Will Ferrell movies and a one-eyed circus monkey, it's actually pretty good. E-Mail.

October 14, 2001
I got nothin'. E-Mail.

October 15, 2001
Blackbeard the pirate never was the same after he went grey. E-Mail.

October 16, 2001
It's no longer good form to refer to your rain boots as "rubbers" during a business meeting. Instead, use the company-approved term "tarsel prophylactics". E-Mail.

October 17, 2001
People at work usually notice a certain charm or charisma about me. I can tell by the way they look at me. It probably has something to do with the fact that every day as I ready myself for the office, I always make sure to get my mojo on. I put it right next to my colostomy bag. E-Mail.

October 18, 2001
On these soothing autumn days here in the Midwest, I am awakened each morning by the dulcet notes of a pair of doves that live in the oak tree next to my home--well, it's either the doves or my my neighbor's senile grandmother who usually ends up naked on their roof singing "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister. E-Mail.

October 19, 2001
Today is my wife's birthday and I'm torn between getting her an expensive diamond tennis bracelet or forgeting about it completly and falling asleep in front of the television tonight. Life is full of difficult choices like that. E-Mail.

October 20, 2001
If the painting doesn't have velvet, it doesn't go on my wall. My wife will just have to get used to it. E-Mail.

October 21, 2001

Jim was a guy that two of us used to work with at one of the local K-Marts. He was a big, sweaty guy who resembled "Porky" from the movie "Porky's.": I'm not sure why I'm choosing to share this, but I think it has the be the first time we've ever referenced the movie "Porky's" in our three year history. E-Mail.

October 22, 2001
Does anyone on this planet feel as compassionate as I do about the incredibly talented Tony Danza? Well, at least one person does. Be sure to check out this fine tribute to Tony. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, the person who created this site is NOT Tony Danza--at least, that's what they claim. I think they're fibbing. Be sure to sign the guest book. E-Mail.

October 23, 2001
McRib™ is back! McRib™ is back!! Hot-cha-cha, McRib™ is back!!! E-Mail.

October 24, 2001
The other day when I was attempting to defragment my computer's hard driver, I accidentally degragmented my seven-year-old son. Now, I wouldn't want to officially recommend this procedure to you, our readers (both of you), because I'm quite certain that Microsoft never intended the defrag system tool to be used in this manner. However, my son now fluently speaks over 15 dialects of Chinese and can hotwire a car in under 30 seconds. E-Mail.

October 25, 2001
When you hit a landmark birthday, such as those that end in a big ol' zero, you tend to examine your life and attempt to make changes. For instance, when I turned 20 I decided the finally apply myself at school. When I turned 30 earlier this year, I decided to stop wiping the cheeto's smegma from my fingers onto my concert t-shirts (cherished collectors items that they are) and to instead use the couch. E-Mail.

October 26, 2001
If you're anything like me, you're a sad, sorry, pathetic little worm of a man with no dental plan. E-Mail.

October 27, 2001
Alice Cooper would be scarier if he did away with the black eye makeup and went instead with something from the new Maybelline Spring Freshness(tm) line. E-Mail.

October 28, 2001
In my sheltered life, I've never ridden in a hot air balloon. I've never bunjee jumped from a bridge while friends watched for cops. I've never shown up at my in-laws drunk, wearing S&M gear and a blond wig, crying out the name of an ex-girlfriend at 3:00 am.
I bet you thought I was going to say something like: "Um, well, maybe not the last one." YOU FOOL! I'm not that stupid! It was 3:00 P.M. E-Mail.

October 29, 2001
We've been accused of falling back on a familiar old joke--pants. I don't think there's anything to it.... Really. E-Mail.

October 30, 2001
In 1903, the best friend of struggling composer Nostrilovich suffered a catastrophic cribbage accident, resulting in the loss of both arms and the right leg. Feeling he must "do something", Nostrilovich composed his Piano Concerto for Left Foot so that his friend could continue to enjoy music. It is rather unfortunate that Nostrilovich's friend was not a pianist and actually only played trombone in the fifth grade, dropping it to participate in intramural sports so he could "meet more girls."
Listen to the first movement here!

E-Mail.

October 31, 2001
I have a very dry sense of humor. In fact, I'm telling a joke right now. E-Mail.