July 1, 1998
Last night, while sitting on my front porch, munching my way through my third bag of corn chips, I had a horrifying premonition. I will spare you the sickening details, but rest assured that on July 15, 1998, I will spontaneously implode at 2:17 p.m. My cubicle-neighbors will hear a slight "whompf" and, noticing a faint odor, will deduce that I am just "offgasing" again and will simply open their "Stick'ems" a little wider.
July 2, 1998
There are too many similarities between "Boinkin'" Bill Clinton and John "Urinal Cake" Kennedy to be ignored.
July 3, 1998
I just found out that there is a hidden track on the TMBG CD "Factory Showroom". As I am stranded here at work, I am unable to listen to this new-found gem and instead must wait for eight long hours. However, this will explain why, when I tried to listen to the CD on my CD-ROM at work, it played only Sonny Bono tunes.
July 4, 1998
In honor of Independence Day, I have finally decided to share with you all my secret Rabbit Gravy recipe. First, get a can of Rabbit Gravy (usually a 12 ounce can is enough for my crew). Next add a teaspoon of dried parsley leaves and the juice from a can of lima beans. Heat this up until it comes to a full boil and the aroma alarms the neighbors. Immediately pour the scalding hot gravy onto a slice of melba toast and eat. Yes, your lips and tongue will be scarred for life, but the taste is out of this world. Have a Happy Fourth!
July 5, 1998
I know this weekend is the 4th of July and I should write something patriotic, my being new to this country and all, but I don't have time as I have to deal with the beaver problem at my house. I'm not sure how they got in but they are everywhere, crawling across the carpet, rummaging through the sugar bowl, in general, being a nuisance. So I must deal with them instead. [Note: A faithful reader of this site has just informed me that I have a manifestation of ANTS and not beavers, as I previously mentioned. Sorry for any confusion I may have caused.]
July 6, 1998
As I was driving once I saw this painted on a bridge, "I don't want the world. I just want your half."
July 7, 1998
Who writes this journal, anyway? Perhaps you've asked a co-worker that question as you perused the page during regular office hours. Well, we plan to let you in on a secret. Yes, there are at least two of us. If you can properly divide them up, GristlePop Enterprises, International will send you a home enema kit. Just send your entry to firstname.lastname@example.org and place the word, "lactose" in the subject line.
July 8, 1998
There's nothing all that interesting going on today. Sometimes, that's the way our life goes. Last night at around 2 am I sat up in my bed and realized that I've done nothing with my life. I panicked and thought about all of the plans that I had when I was young and how I was going to make a difference. Then, I remembered that I still had at least half a can of Easy Cheese left and some stale Ritz Crackers in the back of the car. I'm pretty sure that I fell asleep eating them because there was a dried up line of cheese hanging from my chin when I got to work this morning.
July 9, 1998
I have a meeting in eleven minutes and a stack of stuff I need to get done before then. Instead I write. I think it's more of a compulsive behavior than anything else. A kind of exhibitionism, except that no one is watching, which means that it is instead some sick, private perversion. And I can live with that.
July 10, 1998
My back aches today. Just one of those things I guess, you know, getting older and all. It might also because of the little fling the missuz and I had last night. She's always been a tad on the wild side and we've never had a problem with the uneven parallel bars before. If you ask me, I think her pregnancy has thrown off her center of gravity and that we should stick to the pommel horse until at least the eighth month.
July 11, 1998
As I munch on this .65 oz snack size 100 Grand bar, I see on the wrapper that it is composed of "Chewy Caramel, Milk Chocolate, Crispy Crunchies" I always thought it was crisped rice but now I find out it is the ambiguously labeled "crunchies". This could be toasted ants, crushed packing peanuts, or decalcified gallstones. I know I'll never be the same.
July 24, 1998
In recent years, I have become a fan of Ives, Schoenberg, and Yermuthersaz (heh). You need your colon adjusted if'ns ya cant hear the genieuss coming from them boys. Plus, I'm a born sucker for really good pop music.
July 25, 1998
In my little world, every day is a Tuesday.
July 26, 1998
My church is currently between pastors for the first time in eighteen years. The guy who preached today did a pretty good job, although I'm not sure that colonic irrigation is really prescribed in the book of Philemon. At least it was a refreshing alternative to communion.
July 27, 1998
I just remembered my locker combination from my senior year in high school! Isn't it amazing how our minds work like that? It was something like 22-something-something, I think. Wait, I know there was a 2 in it. It may not haven 22. Man, that's amazing.
July 28, 1998
If there's one thing you don't want to do to a guy with a gun in your face, it's laugh.
July 29, 1998
Sometimes words cannot capture the feelings I have for my wife. But if I had to narrow it down to three words it would be "Life Sucker Outer".
July 30, 1998
Ok, I've received several complaints (ok, actually I haven't received any because no one reads this) about yesterday's journal entry and I need to come clean. I really do love my wife and she hasn't sucked the life out of me. I know you're all (i.e. no one) waiting for a punch line but there isn't one. So there.
July 31, 1998
The last day of July is here and I haven't done a thing with my nails.