June 1, 2001
The beginning of June here in the Midwest brings on the beginning of June Bug season. These deliciously edible, high protein bugs are excellent served raw (alive) or roasted over an open fire. Send us your best June Bug recipes and we'll use them on The Daily Journal. E-Mail.

June 2, 2001
June is our anniversary month here at The Daily Journal. It's also the month where we openly flatulate at the office. E-Mail.

June 3, 2001
It's "Be Nice to the Amish Month" here in the United States. I've decided to remove the "Bite me, Amish boy" bumper sticker from my car and I'm removing one of the video surveillance cameras I secretly installed in an area Amish home. E-Mail.

June 4, 2001
It's said that everything's bigger in Texas. It turns out that this is now a scientific fact--at least when it comes to goiters. E-Mail.

June 5, 2001
In an effort to cut expenses at work, we are getting rid of our large aquarium full of tropical fish. In it's place will be a petting zoo stocked with goats who will subsist on confidential documents, allowing us the further cost benefit of not paying for a professional shredding service. E-Mail.

June 6, 2001
America is on a health kick. You can currently buy orange juice with no pulp, some pulp, and extra pulp. I plan to begin marketing an orange juice that is mostly pulp (a thick and chunky paste) and one that is all pulp that you eat with a spoon. Not only will America be more regular, but I'll make millions for sure! E-Mail.

June 7, 2001

Look for a new feature coming to The Daily Journal, "Cooking with Chef Paltry" We're certain that this one's gonna make us millions for sure! E-Mail.

June 8, 2001
I don't make it a habit of pretending to be someone that I'm not--except when I go out on business trips and then I'm "Roland P. Nightengale, billionare Investor and Financial Consultant to the Stars." It's amazing how well this trick works. E-Mail.

June 9, 2001
I cannot make this comment for the entire authorship here at TDJ, but I, for one, LOVE the way my fishnet stockings look with my basketball shoes. E-Mail.

June 10, 2001
Some might consider this cowardice, but I have no problem with hitting someone from behind, especially when it's some smartmouthed kid who's taunting you with his candy. E-Mail.

June 11, 2001
Today I checked out a website called broadjam.com per a piece of SPAM e-mail that I received (hey, sometimes SPAM works). Anyway, I thought I'd check out one of the Top 10 songs of the site and clicked on "For God So Loved the World" by a band called "MusicGuys." It's sad when something sounds this bad and it makes the top 10 (unless it was a joke, and then it would be really funny). Well, for some reason, I kept listening and suddenly I heard this noise. It sounded like a vacuum cleaner and I thought to myself, "Well, that's creative. The song isn't very good at all, but the vacuum cleaner idea was cool." It was then that I realized the vacuum cleaner was a real vacuum cleaner in my office. I was actually a little bummed out about this. But hey, I've got a great idea for a new song! E-Mail.

June 12, 2001
As the third primary contributor of TDJ, I have disappointed my colleagues by not authoring any entries for what may have been more than an entire month. My excuse, of course, is that for some reason I haven't been able to log into the site from my place of employment. Why not just write some entries from home, you say? I'm afraid the hamsters that run to create power for my 1984 Macintosh SE have been on vacation, and I'm not about to use my OLD computer. E-Mail.

June 13, 2001
I got an electric geetar a few months back, and I've discovered the neighbors aren't big fans of the Spin Doctors. At least not at 3:00 AM. E-Mail.

June 14, 2001
This week, I'm NOT going to wear my pajamas to work. E-Mail.

June 15, 2001
You can deny it all you want but let's face it... Americans love their salsa. E-Mail.

June 16, 2001
My favorite line from a movie is "The Dingo ate my baby!" from 1988's "A Cry in the Dark." This quote is memorable because, tragically, this happened to me. Well, it was similar. In 1992 a rabbit ate my grape. E-Mail.

June 17, 2001
Usually, I will start out a Daily Journal entry with little in mind and then actually end up with something that's sort of funny by the time I've finished. Such is not the case with today. E-Mail.

June 18, 2001
As a boy growing up in the Midwest, every day before I left for school, my father would tell me, "Son, be sure to bring your poncho. A man never leaves the house without his poncho." Dad never left the house. When I finally asked him about it one day as I was getting ready to go to my third job in order to catch up on the mortgage payments he told me that he didn't own a poncho. E-Mail.

June 19, 2001
You know that dream where you think you show up to work in your underwear? Well, I had a dream like that today, but in the dream I frolicked about in my underwear making sure everyone knew that I was wearing a thong and that I liked it. I sent an e-mail blast to everyone in the company and stood on the receptionist's desk welcoming people as they walked in the door. Then, I sat down at my computer and began writing. It was a really strange dream and... E-Mail.

June 20, 2001
From field corresponder Carolyn Noyes: If Helen Keller had psychic ability would you say she had a fourth sense? E-Mail.

June 21, 2001
It has been brought to our attention that the previous entry was in fact plagiarized from a book by popular counter-culture commedian George Carlin. Please be assured that Ms. Carolyn Noyes has been thoroughly reprimanded and that we, the editors of The Daily Journal would never knowingly plagiarize from any source where we might get caught. E-Mail.

June 22, 2001
It has been brought to our attention that the previous entry where we apologize for plagiarizing was in fact plagiarized from an idea originally found in a Monty Python Flying Circus skit. This very entry further steals from the popular TV show by apologizing for our apology. I personally guarantee, however, that it will never happen again. E-Mail.

June 23, 2001
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. E-Mail.

June 24, 2001
The best time to write a journal entry is around 9:30 in the morning. You are refreshed from a good sleep and the coffee has got your brain just humming along. The worst time, of course, is when you are knee-deep in penguin entrails looking for your lost wedding ring. E-Mail.

June 25, 2001
I am a loss at creating a journal entry using the term "hot buttered garden slugs" though I did manage to work it into my annual evaluation at work. E-Mail.

June 26, 2001
There's nothing funny about kittens. Every time we try a journal entry using kittens, our ratings drop. Seems people associate these critters with such adjectives as "cute", "adorable" and "cudley", not "hilarious" or "humorous." But kittens wearing the fake schnoz and glasses is another thing entirely! E-Mail.

June 27, 2001
I wish people would send me more cute pictures of animals accompanied by cliches, more inspiring tales involving orphaned children who become master zither players, more pictures of their lumpy, distended children, and definitely more of those ads that promise larger, em, organs in thirty days or my money back. E-Mail.

June 28, 2001
We had our 25th annual family reunion last weekend. Every year, it’s the same thing: lots of food, fun, games, and old family traditions like horseshoes, kite flying, grandma’s famous lemonade, and midget tossing. It’s a pretty good time for most of the family, except for those of us like me who are vertically challenged. E-Mail.

June 29, 2001
I read in the news today that CBS decided to change the name of an upcoming sitcom. It seems the name, “American Wrecks” is too negative and would easily invite criticism from entertainment reviews (e.g. a headline like “American Wrecks into TV and Hopefully off the Map”). Anyway, we at TDJ did some research and found a few more sitcom names that were axed by big-time television executives. Here they are…
“Bite Me, Uncle Larry”
“Edible Entrails and Gastric Juices”
“Happy Death and Destruction”
“Enjoy Your Enema”
“Sucksville, USA”
E-Mail.

June 30, 2001
It's a sick, sick world in which we live. How else can you explain such a web site as Gophers in Spandex? E-Mail.