September 1999September 1, 1999
September 2, 1999
I never understood how "fire in your belly" could be such a good thing. My guess is that a fire in any of the major organs would be life-threatening, to say the least. Perhaps a small brushfire in the spleen might not be so bad, or perhaps a contained wood-burning stove in the sphincter would be great for party tricks, I dunno.
September 3, 1999
Here's a great idea for your family to create a tradition: every time the ice-maker goes off in your freezer, stand up and celebrate. For that matter, you can go one step further and create your own "new ice dance". To this day, every time I hear the sound of new ice, I curtsey and dance an Irish Jig.
September 4, 1999
It takes a big man to admit that he's got head lice again, and that he got it from the dumpster where he was looking for gum. We all know that the best gum comes from the dumpster, right?
September 5, 1999
I made up a new word today: "kringlekrinklebinerflembermaflemberkrembalokremp". It's an adjective that means, "green". I'll let you know what the folks at Mirriam Webster say, as I sent it to them for publication. The way I figure it, somebody has to come up with the new words.
September 6, 1999
For years I have envisioned a new economy based on rodents. Basically, the gerbil would be the universal monetary unit and everything else would be built around it. To give you an idea of the value, you could get a can of coke from a machine for one gerbil. Three gerbils would get you a box of crayons or a lug nut. Also, four gerbils would be equal to one rat. Seven and a half rats would equal a small ferret and thirty six small ferrets would equal nine angry squirrels, etc. It's all pretty simple.
September 7, 1999
Most folks don't realize that the money we generate here at The Daily Journal is all given to charity. Currently we are splitting the funds between two worthy charities: The Charitable Fund For Overweight Statisticians and The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Paper Clips.
September 8, 1999
The other day, one of our TDJ writers managed to summon a call to the local fire department. Who would have thought that hot ashes dropped into a container full of flammable methane gas and hot air would start a fire?
September 9, 1999
Any more, it is an exercise in discipline to make myself sit down and write a few journal entries. It's not as easy as you would think, pulling yourself away from the excitement of Richard Simmons and his "Sweatin' To The Oldies" box set!
September 10, 1999
If I were to sum up all of my life's experiences with one word, that word would have to be a preposition.
September 11, 1999
I've been trying for the last five minutes to come up with an enjoyable journal entry worthy of your time but alas, I cannot. Therefore, create your own durn entry using the words "follicle" and "epidermis" and submit them to the fine folk as The Daily Journal. You'll be glad you did.
September 12, 1999
Slowly, the boy crept towards the closed door, his every sense swimming in a slurry of elevated adrenaline levels. His fingers tingled as he reached out for the knob, a slight spark of static electricity jumped, anticipating the connection of his fingers to the knob. Carefully, his warm, nervous fingers were laid upon the cook metal knob and his grip tightened. The knob was turned, slowly so as to minimize the sound of metal upon metal inside the old door mechanism. With his heart pounding almost audibly within his chest so forcefully that he feared it would soon tear itself to pieces, the boy flung the door open to find... special celebrity guest star Gary Coleman! Hey Gary!
September 13, 1999
What is depicted in this month's mystery picture?
Please send your thoughts to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
September 14, 1999
Crisis struck our home last night, but I stayed calm. In the middle of the night, my infant daughter's temperature raced into the 100s and we were awakened by her cry. Immediately, I headed for the medicine cabinet where I knew we had a new bottle of Children's Tylenol (cherry flavored....mmmmmm). Anyway, the medicine is packaged in a box that is sealed in plastic. This outer layer of plastic was thick and nearly impossible to penetrate. After about 15 minutes, I was able to remove the plastic and tore open the cardboard box (another three minutes) to reveal the bottle of elixir. In order to step up safety, Tylenol has also sealed their bottles in this same plastic film. However, I was more experienced this time and managed to remove this layer in a mere ten minutes (piece of cake!). Of course, the lid to the bottle is also a child-proof lid. Having used many of these over the years (I think I first learned how to open one of these as a young child), I was able to get it off in just under 2 minutes. FINALLY, that thick red syrupy fever reducing substance was in my grasp. As the lid came off, I began to pour when I noticed the metallic cover enclosing the bottle--another hurdle! Would this be the last step between me and this medicine? Now, this cover was tricky. It was sort of like aluminum foil, but ten times as thick and seemed to be stuck on the bottle with some sort of epoxy adhesive developed by NASA. Furthermore, there was nowhere to grab it. I pried. I pushed. I managed to cut up my fingers underneath my fingernails. Finally, it came off and I could smell the familiar scent of imitation cherries. I HAD WON. This bottle was open and there was nothing that could be done to stop me from using it. It was late and I was very tired. I fell asleep right there with a smile of satisfaction on my face.
September 15, 1999
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail... but most of all, I'd like to be a 5/8 inch crescent wrench.
September 16, 1999
There I was, last Saturday night, just outside the local Sears, singing a song of sixpence when this old guy starts laying into me for not having my pockets full of rye!
September 17, 1999
World hunger could be stopped if only we could learn to enjoy the flesh of poodles.
September 18, 1999
The past few days I have been afflicted by some flu or cold-like disease which has also caused my left eye to become bloodshot. What amazes me is the fact that so many of my friends and the people that I bump into are doctors. I have been diagnosed as having "conjunctivitis", an "eye-cold", "pink-eye" and a host of other ailments. So, I finally broke down and went to the doctor thinking that I had "pink-eye" as that was the amateur diagnosis I had received the most. My REAL doctor was able to deduce that I had a "cold" and that the pinkness in my eye was caused by some red food coloring that had been placed in my eye. Looking back on it, I'm almost certain that my kids did this just the other night and that it also explained my recent bouts with "yellow-eye", "green-eye", "blue-eye" and "red-eye".
September 19, 1999 Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an
entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid,
chinless sniveling worm.
Today's horoscopes, courtesy of The Onion.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21) After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22) You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
September 20, 1999
While playing second base in my weekly church softball doubleheader over the weekend, I discovered that softball, like many other sports, is really nothing more than a metaphor for our lives--our emotional stability. How we can live our lives with an apathetic attitude, rolling along the ground as if everything is going just fine and then all of the sudden, someone picks you up off the ground and heaves you with incredible speed and you smack someone right in the nose. As I lay on the ground, slipping into a coma from the painful blow to the face, I really began to contemplate the various mysteries of life: why is the sky blue? why do dogs bark? and mainly, why don't I pay more attention when I'm playing second base?
September 21, 1999
I finally realized just how effective the American advertising industry is today when fourteen crates of Super New and Improved Nostril Cleaning Plungers arrived via UPS.
September 22, 1999
The stock that I bought in the company that produces old episodes of "ALF" on videotape is just getting ready to peak, I'm certain. And as soon as it does, I'll be ready to sell, sell, sell! I'll make millions for sure.
September 23, 1999
Frogger: An enjoyable video game, or an addictive virtual-reality scenario with a secret chemical that causes me to crave it endlessly?
September 24, 1999
As I sit at my desk, listening to the constant hum of the office ventilation system, watching the messages pile up on my voice mail and in my in-tray, I realize that I've lost my zest for life. Oh wait, here it is, underneath the Pensky file!
September 25, 1999
Breaking with tradition, Pepperidge Farms is introducing a new summer sausage made entirely of baby seal snouts and whale blubber. Sounds tasty.
September 26, 1999
The wonderful thing about worms is the way that they taste when pureed and placed in our office coffee. Well, actually, I'm not so sure how they taste since I've never eaten one and NEVER drink the office coffee. But no one seems to complain about the coffee and I've been secretly adding the worm puree for six months now.
September 27, 1999
The other night I was walking alone in the dark when I noticed a rare phenomenon. The moon was nearly full and a patch of dense clouds were positioned so as to cut a wedge out of the sphere creating what astronomers call the "Pac Man™ Moon" phase. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it is awe inspiring. And then I thought, "What about the people that lived 2,000 years ago?" What did they think about when they saw this rare astronomical wonder? There was no Pac-Man™--not even Asteroids™, Space Invaders™ or Pong™. Man, I'll bet that really sucked for them.
September 28, 1999
On my drive into work today I noticed one of those fancy European luxury sedans with a bumper sticker that read, "Blind People are Stupid". Imagine that! Oh, I want to apologize for any blind folks reading this as I did not mean to offend.
September 29, 1999
Many vegetarians choose not to eat meat because they feel it is cruel to eat animals. To them I say, "HYPOCRITES!". They chew on my friends the plants and snuff out their lives as they uproot them. As if that were not enough (parents, you may not want to let your kids read this), they insist on steaming these defenseless creatures and covering them with scalding hot sauces and salt to sting their wounds. CRUEL! CRUEL I SAY! As for me, I have resorted to eating only nutrient rich dirt and unflavored pop-sickles.
September 30, 1999
It has been said that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. However, I'm pretty sure that a pair of razor sharp salad tongs lodged into the chest is much faster.
September 31, 1999
Why is it that good things, like September, always have to come to an end?