August
1999
August
1999
August 2, 1999
For years, my parents used to give
me little treats they called, "crispy bits of sunshine". They were
crunchy and tasty--sort of like jerky with a little kick. Just a few months ago
I made the connection that this occurred right
around the time that our cat, "Sunshine" stayed out in the heat too
long. I wonder whatever became of her. Man, that sure was good jerky.
August 3, 1999
I spent the weekend up in Chicago for my older
brother's wedding. As the "Best Man," it was my duty to hold on to the ring, make sure he
made it to the wedding, give a sentimental speech at the snazzy reception they had, and
provide the loving support only a brother could. Then, of course there were other things,
smaller things, that a best man must provide-- leading everybody in a round of "Edelweiss,"
filling the champagne bottles with Drano, and launching myself from a chandelier onto the
cake while screaming, "This is for the Jello™-wedgie back in
kindergarten!" Sure, they were
a little bit perturbed after that last part, but I bet in ten years they'll look back and
snicker. I know I will.
August 4, 1999
My environmentally conscious friends
have given me quite a few lectures on how we should respect the rights of
animals to live where they live. Well, that's all fine and good, but what am I
supposed to do about the Spotted Owl living in my microwave?
August 5, 1999
Yanni. Michael Bolton. Kenny G. What do all
these people have in common? They may not know it yet, but I have tracked down each of
them individually, approached them as they slept, and written the words "Yo quiero Taco Bell"
on their left buttocks.
August 6, 1999
My therapist has just informed me that many of
my troubles can be attributed to the fact that I was abused by hickory sausage as a small
child.
August 7, 1999
After being out of town last weekend, my wife and
I returned to our apartment to find that our air conditioner was not working and it was over
100 degrees inside. I was pretty upset but I felt better because someone had left a tasty, crunchy
bowl of fish and chips on the table. Now that I've had a few days to reflect, I'm wondering
why I haven't seen our goldfish and pet squirrels since we got back.
August 8, 1999
Back in high school and college, I just loved Snapple.
In fact, you might say that I was addicted. I could not get enough of the fruity flavors of that
yummy, refreshing beverage... Pink Lemonade, Mango Madness, Kiwi Strawberry. But that was all before
I found out that Snapple is actually manufactured by passing different types of carburetor cleaner
through an emu's colon. It sure does taste good, though.
August 9, 1999
I leave for vacation today. I'm going to the lake and will
be gone most of this week. (Don't worry-- through the miracles of modern technology, our special Microsoft
Pentium MG-9000 TDJ Automatic MegaProcessor will continue to provide additions to The Daily Journal each
and every day. Having three writers also helps.) As I lay out on a boat in the sun, enjoying the warm
breeze, you can rest assured that I will be pondering one of two things: 1) Sherman Hemsley's career after
"The Jeffersons," and 2) Pants.
August 10, 1999
Near my office, on the corner of a
busy road, there is a sign that simply reads, "PRODUCE". Often, I will
be on my way to work, feeling a bit tired and uninspired and then that sign
reminds me...I need to PRODUCE today. It always seems to pep me up. Plus, they
always seem to have a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables lying around the sign. I
guess they're really into encouraging people and growing stuff. I think that's
really neat.
August 11, 1999
I once had this imaginary friend
named Lloyd and we would watch Sesame Street together and build things out of
blocks and stuff. As I grew older, Lloyd grew breasts and changed his name to
Trixie. Ah, the memories we share.
August 12, 1999
Quite often, I look into the eyes of
my little boy and see myself. No, I mean it...literally...I can see myself. He's
starting to get a little annoyed because I prefer using his eyes instead of a
mirror. Now he complains because I take him with me everywhere I go so I can
check out my appearance. It's a "win-win" situation for me because now
that I bring him with me everywhere, people think that I'm some kind of
"super dad".
August 13, 1999
Most folks don't value polish
sausage the way that I do. Sure, it makes a great meal and even works out as a
tasty treat or midnight snack. Oh, and everyone knows that it's not just for
breakfast anymore and that nothing says, "Happy Anniversary, honey"
like a pack of polish sausage. And who can forget the first time your dad shared
his polish sausage with you. But I love polish sausage. I mean I really LOVE
it...more than you morons will ever know, so just leave me alone!!!!!
August 14, 1999
Professional wrestling is more
popular than it ever has been. Perhaps this has something to do with the
explosion of the new mini-dish systems for our televisions. Or, maybe it has
more to do with the end of the world coming soon...I dunno. Anyway, I've
also noticed that Roller Derby is making a comeback and we've all seen the ads
for the Monster Truck Rallies. Then there's the continued popularity of shows
like COPS and Jerry Springer and....where's Dr. Kervorkian when you really need
him?
August 15, 1999
I'm convinced that there's a secret
pact between the automakers and the repair shops to keep us coming in to spend
our money. It seems like whenever you take your car into the shop, no matter how
new it is, you will always have to pay for something. It's always a money thing.
And we KNOW that the automakers already have the plans for the perfect car that
runs on water, creates no pollution, and runs for 500,000 miles without a
check-up. But they don't want to make these cars because they KNOW they will
lose all of that money from the repair shops. So, I've come up with a plan where
I no longer have to wear pants. Sure, it has nothing to do with what I was
saying, but neither does polish sausage or my mother's flower garden.
August 16, 1999
Congress is currently working on
legislation to add Garden Gnomes to the major food groups.
August 17, 1999
The folks at THE DAILY JOURNAL have
been busy writing insightful reviews to movies and television programs. Be sure
to read them on the Internet Movie Database (IMDb) today. CLICK
HERE TO SEE OUR LATEST LIST.
August 18, 1999
I spent most of today cleaning my zither. Tomorrow, I
shall play my lyre and lute and there will be great joy. I hope my co-workers don't mind.
August 19, 1999
My favorite things to watch on The Learning Channel
are the special documentaries on the mating habits of the Yellow-Throated Warbler of southern Sri Lanka.
And all the "Police Academy" movies.
August 20, 1999
Six-letter word for an affliction of the hypothalamus:
goiter.
August 21, 1999
The people I am forced to deal with each and every day
at work have caused me such distress that my lymph nodes are expanding, my pancreas are diluted, and,
worst of all, my boss seems to have died from a massive head wound, most likely caused by the bloody,
oversized toaster I have hidden under my desk.
August 22, 1999
Lately, I've taken to using double-sided tape to apply strips of raw bacon to most of my body.
August 23, 1999
If I could choose to be any small woodland creature, I would choose to be a crocodile. Sure, it's not your typical "woodland creature" but you should see the look on those squirrels' faces when I bite down on their plump, juicy, nutty-flavored bodies!
August 24, 1999
I used my first ampersand when I was eight. This soon led to excessive semicolon use, ellipses abuse, and ultimately every mother's worst nightmare, the tilde. After years of intense therapy, I'm down to commas, periods, exclamation and question marks, and the occasional quotation mark (single and double). That was five years ago but to this day, every time I look at a parenthesis or a carot, my hands shake uncontrollably. Kids, just say NO to punctuation!
August 25, 1999
I don't consider myself to be a
cowboy. Sure, I ride a horse and wear the hat. And, yes, my daily
responsibilities consist of herding up cows on the ranch and I have been known
to throw a lasso or two every day. But I'm just an ordinary middle-class
suburban guy deep down inside.
August 26, 1999
I was watching a popular game show
the other day. With a million dollars on the line the final contestant was stuck
on a tough question, "Veal or Colgate Tooth Paste?". That was it. The
entire question was, "Veal or Colgate Tooth Paste?" What a moron. He
answered "Colgate Tooth Paste" when everyone knows it's
"Veal". They get the stupidest people to be on those shows.
August 27, 1999
Having enjoyed a sumptuous dinner at Denny's last
night, I feel compelled to share the story of my visit: I was forced to choose between the
turkey-cheese-and-bacon goodness of the "SuperBird," and the quality kosher "Moons Over My
Hammy." Although I was strangely intrigued by the latter, I decided upon the SuperBird, which
was quite enjoyable, except for the fact that I later discovered the innards of a Norwegian
Yak buried between a slice of turkey and some cheese, which made my dinner absolutely
marvelous. And they didn't even charge me extra for the yak.
August 28, 1999
On the way to work yesterday I was
sitting at a traffic light when I noticed the following items sitting in a pile
on the median of the road: a plastic police "do not cross" line, a
cinder block and an empty can of Colt 45 Malt Liquor. This really happened and
I'm still trying to process it. Why did I see that and what did it mean?
August 29, 1999
I feel the need to defend a certain
Denny's menu item in response to the entry of one Mr. Cheesylips from August 27,
1999. "Super Bird®" has nothing on "Moons Over My Hammy®".
For that matter, "Super Bird®" couldn't even change the "Big
Texas Chicken Fajita's™" jockstrap. So, go stick that up your
"Original Grand Slam®" and smoke it!
August 30, 1999
Now that my oldest child
is spending his first days in Kindergarten, I have decided to explain to him the
"Birds and the Bees". However, before I do, I need to get just a few
things straight. When the Birds "do the deed" with the
"Bees", how is it that they do not get stung. Furthermore, why is it
that we never hear about swarms of "Killer Birds" coming from Africa
and Central America?
August 31, 1999
The most common excuse that I hear
men use for their lack of motivation is their love for goat cheese. Trust me.
I'm a professional and I know this stuff.
Hey everybody. The secret message is, "Jason Hoffman is a goiter."