April 1999April 1, 1999
April 2, 1999
Nothing screams "America" like the pot-luck carry-in. Especially when the attendees are mass murderers and the food is made from human flesh. Well, I guess "scream" would be the operative word.
April 3, 1999
If I had been Hitler, I would have replaced the "goose-step" with the "aardvark shuffle".
April 4, 1999
Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of "William Jefferson Clinton"'s name, you get the complete lyrics to The Beatles song "I Want You (She's So Heavy)"? Amazing!
April 5, 1999
You may not believe me, but at this very moment, my entrails are soaking in Palmolive dish soap and they have NEVER been softer.
April 6, 1999
In today's global economy, you can no longer think only within the narrow confines of your own experience. You need to expand your mind to the myriad possibilities that exist and become adaptable to new and exciting information. At least, this is what I plan to tell my mom after I confess to using her chia pet collection for skeet practice back when I was twelve.
April 7, 1999
There's no shame like the shame of a third nipple smack dab in the middle of your forehead.
April 8, 1999
In the future, science will be so advanced that even the casual layperson will be able to tell Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen apart!
April 9, 1999
I've decided to shave the top of my head and grow a long white beard down to my knees. Then perhaps people will mistake me for a wise old Chinese man. If only I can find a way to hide that I'm 6'6", in my 20s and white.
April 10, 1999
I just learned that the kid that played "Flick" in A Christmas Story is now 30 years old and making porno movies. And they say civilization is in decline.
April 11, 1999
What can I say, this dailyjournal writer was curious and checked out the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com) to follow up on the career of yet another of the "A Christmas Story" actors. Peter Billingsly, the geeky, glasses-wearing blonde who played the starring role has had quite a career, himself, putting out hits like, "Sherman Oaks" (tv), "Family Reunion: A Relative Nightmare" (tv), "Arcade", and "Beverly Hills Brats". One such made for TV movie, "Family Reunion: A Relative Nightmare" was reviewed by Internet surfer Bad Mack on the imdb site:
"Family Reunion:A Relative Nightmare is a good movie, itīs not the best movie, but I donīt think it was made to be the best one, I think no movie is made to be the best one, they are made for the audience to have fun, and I had fun watching Family Reunion, it really made me laugh, itīs a movie made for the whole family(duh!, the name says it) and since it was made for the whole family, the whole family will enjoy it, there are some movies made with that purpose, but not all win their goal. I think the best movies are the once which are not destined to be the best ones, low-budget movies, tv movies, most of the big-budget movies are good, but some are failures, take for example: Godzilla, it is a really bad movie, and a lot of money was spent on that movie, no one I know liked it, it was totally predictable, so, what movie do you think is better, Godzilla or Family Reunion?, I say itīs Family reunion, watch it and prove it!"
Anyone up for the challenge?
April 12, 1999
The other day I was informed through one of Paul Harvey's many listeners (all geezers) that many VCR's are not Y2K compliant (i.e. ready for the year 2000). The clocks and timers that we use to program our machines that record Bass fishing contests and late night QVC bargains will not function correctly once we enter the year 2000. But that didn't stop the Paul Harvey listener. Instead of buying a new VCR, he suggested that we simply set the year on the VCR clocks to 1972, which share the exact same calendar! Pure genious. I'm amazed that this man's VCR doesn't simply flash "12:00:00" like most VCR's own by retired Paul Harvey listeners. However, I'm suggesting we go one step further. I am currently drafting a letter to the executives of every major television network insisting that they revert to their original 1972 television schedules. Finally, returning to the hearts of Americans will be shows like "Mash", "The Bob Newhart Show" (where he plays the shrink, not the innkeeper), "Emergency", "The Don Rickles Show", "The Julie Andrews Hour", "The Ken Berry 'Wow' Show", "Kung Fu", "Me and the Chimp", "The New Bill Cosby Show (where he plays the funny African American guy), "The Osmonds" (television you KNEW Mormons could make), "The Paul Lynde Show" (when he wasn't the center square in "Hollywood Squares"), "Sanford and Son" (by the way, Grady appeared on a recent episode of ER), and my personal favorite: "The Swiss Family Robinson" (they're not even Swiss, but who cares). If any of this sounds foolish, you obviously haven't taken the time to watch "TV Land" on cable.
April 13, 1999
I'm making the switch from briefs to boxers and so far, the transition has been very loose and liberating.
April 14, 1999
We, the management of The Daily Journal, apologize for yesterday's entry. It is not, nor has it ever been, the intent of this site to score a quick joke with crude, penile-related humor. We much prefer humor involving bodily fluids or the naughty bits of women.
April 15, 1999
Khaki: color, material, or a conspiracy created by "The Man"?
April 16, 1999
Upon reaching my 28th birthday, I came upon the startling realization that there are not enough squeegees in my life.
April 17, 1999
After over a year in development, I have successfully welded the computer mouse with the office chair. Users can now roll their office chair over an extra-large mouse pad to control their computer and get a full body workout in the process. I'll make MILLIONS!
April 18, 1999
I'm making chicken tonight. No, I'm not taking a chicken from the store and using it in a recipe. I am actually constructing a chicken from real live cells. It's going to take me a while. Wish me luck.
April 19, 1999
Recently, I had my tonsils put back in. I had them removed when I was five, but stored them in a jar which I managed to keep all this time. Certain advances in medicine have now made it possible to have them reattached. The only problem is that they are a bit smaller than I remember them and, to this day, modern medicine has still not been able to figure out exactly what it is that they do. Therefore, the surgery was considered "elective" and my insurance did not cover it. Oh, and I can no longer speak and my wife is constantly complaining about my formaldehyde breath.
April 20, 1999
Well, nothing funny about the crap that went on today. It looks like the media is focusing in on the usual suspects....wacked out musicians. They must be the problem because they look weird, say weird things and the freaky kids that shoot other kids all listen to their music. Come on, people, think about that for a moment? Is Marilyn Manson REALLY the problem or is he just another PRODUCT of the overall problem? It has to be the latter. The kids like him because he feels the same way that they do. Now, I know that I'm going to catch a lot of flack for this (whatever flack may be...and provided that anyone is actually reading this), but you have to admit that things in this country changed when the family changed. If you were a newscaster with three kids in day care so your wife could enrich her life with a rewarding career in marketing, would you want to make an editorial comment like that--one that really cuts to the heart? Probably not. It's much easier to pick on the freaky people. Kids need moms and dads that love and respect each other and that live up to their promises. It's all pretty basic, but we've decided as a society that it's not that important anymore. What we really need to do is fulfill our lives with careers. I thought that careers were just jobs and that you got jobs to support what was REALLY important...your family. I don't care WHO stays home with the kids (I know it's a challenging job), but someone needs to do it. My wife and I have agreed that she will stay home unless she gets some amazing job offer that can better provide for this family. If that's the case, we'll switch roles (as soon as she's done nursing...believe me, I have tried, but my nipples ache and we have no luck at it). We are so career oriented in this country that we've forgotten the reason that we work. Now, I could back even further to the real root of the problem and talk about sin, but I will save that for round two sometime next year. This web site is supposed to be funny. I just didn't feel like laughing today. Sue me.
April 21, 1999
I recently had a large marsupial surgically attached to my lower intestine.
April 22, 1999
Remember that kid Sherman from the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show that traveled in the "Wayback Machine" to the past? Oh, and have you noticed lately that you don't hear from him these days? Well, I can tell you why! The little freak has been trapped in my garage for the past four years now. His machine is broken and he's convinced that my family is some strange Native American tribe from the 14th century.
April 23, 1999
I just realized that Boy George is actually a cross-dressing homosexual male! I guess that clears up the whole "parachute pants" thing from my past.
April 24, 1999
In light of the recent events with Pamela Anderson and her breast reduction surgery, I'm reminded that Hollywood is a cut throat environment where people turn on their best friends in an instant if it furthers their career. Why, without those implants, she would be NOWHERE!
April 25, 1999
The problem with today's youth is a lack of appreciation for sausage.
April 26, 1999
I have decided to sell all my belongings, buy a green Volkswagon bus, and follow the band "Firehouse" around the country, if I can find out if they are still touring. I was inspired by a recent 2 CD set that I bought through mail-order. More metal bands should do ballads these days. I always thought Winger could have done a great rendition of "Mandy."
April 27, 1999
My obsession with cellos is not new, it having begun when I was but a young child. But lately, it has taken itself to a new level as I find myself constantly on EBay and other auctions, bidding hundred of dollars that I do now have in the hopes that my bid will be the highest and I will finally own one of these blessed wonders. Did I say "Cello"? I meant "womans underpants.
April 28, 1999
Three cheers for enthiasm and good spirits!
Oh crap! That was only two! This whole thing REALLY sucks and I'm tired of it all. Just leave me alone. I've messed everything up again. Crap!
April 29, 1999
No matter how you slice it, all beef bologna is NOT a good substitute for a liver transplant.
April 30, 1999
There are those naysayers who call me a freak but personally, I think my prehensile uvula is a gift from God!