March 1999

March 1, 1999
Pants.

March 2, 1999
Corned beef, Goat cheese, and Rocky Mountain Oysters: The Breakfast of Champions!

March 3, 1999
I've come to the conclusion that if reproduction occurred as a result of blowing your nose rather than sexual intercourse, this world would have a big over-population problem. But only in the parts of the world that have Kleenex.

March 4, 1999
After viewing the current rash of dramas catering to African-American women, I'm very curious as to just how I can get my groove back.

March 5, 1999
I've never had hives on my endocrine system, but I'd really like to try!

March 6, 1999
And the winner of The Best Grammy Category is... The Best Grammy Category for the seventh straight year!.

March 7, 1999
The truely anal retentive can sit for hours watching their PC defrag... JOIN US!

March 8, 1999
I've always been attracted to women with massive mandibles. You know, with jaws that look like they could bite through iron bars without breaking a sweat... and I hear that Amy Grant is now available!

March 9, 1999
I've trained my son to scream the word "COLOSTOMY BAG" whenever he sees an egg. Yes, it's going to be fun this Easter at the relatives!

March 10, 1999
The last six entries have all ended in exclamation marks and I, for one, won't have any more of it!

March 11, 1999
Old man Tucker may be a fine old man, but he has some hygiene issues he needs to work out.

March 12, 1999
I finally went one-up on my friend, Bob with the pierced tongue. Now my pierced elbows are the talk of the town. But alas, I can no longer get sleeves over the giant hoops and my arms are eternally extended.

March 13, 1999
Last fall I attended the city festival for the first time in my new city. Instead of the normal festival fare of elephant ears, most of the booths consisted of foods like emu sticks and brain sandwiches! Who would want to eat a poor defenseless emu? And where were the elephant ears? I considered trying a brain sandwich, but they were pretty expensive. Although I did see a sign advertising a discount for "Mad Cow Disease-Infected Brain Sandwiches-- 1/2 off."

March 14, 1999
The tricky thing about porcupines is the amount of time it takes to surgically remove their spines, leaving them completely defenseless. Sure, it's a cruel act, but imagine if you were a wolf and had been pricked in the past by one of those little suckers. Cruel to you, but I say it's payback time!

March 15, 1999
In most parts of the country today is "Eel Day" (I'm pretty sure that Ohio celebrates on Friday just to make a long weekend for their government employees). I can still remember my first experiences with Eel day as a small child growing up here in the Midwest. Usually, at about 2:00 a.m. I'd be awakened by a giant slithering poisonous eel which dad had placed under my covers. Those first two or three years were tough since we didn't have the anti-venom around and the 24 hour clinic didn't usually have a supply of eel anti-venoms around.

March16, 1999
If this were a leap year, today would actually be March 15, 1999! Imagine that. Oh, and it would be Monday, too....and there's a good chance that I wouldn't have been arrested for breaking into that convenience store because the manager usually leaves early on Monday nights!

March 17, 1999
ST. PATRICK's DAY: What a great day to remember our Irish friends. One of my Irish friends, Igor, used to be able to balance an entire gallon can of gasoline on his stomach while dancing a jig. This was a traditional favorite here every year until the time that Igor got St. Patrick's Day mixed up with Independence Day (July 4th). What started out as a fun summer stunt turned tragic when poor Igor was struck in the chest with a roman candle.

March 18, 1999
Today I actually saw a car with a bumper sticker that read, "I Love (heart symbol) Wood. Now, I'm a big fan of wood. In fact, I think that somehow or other I manage to use wood on a regular basis. But for that matter, I feel the same way towards most metals, plastic, and gum, but I've yet to see a sticker....not a single one! What's wrong with you people, anyway?!?

March 19, 1999
Remember when I told you all that that boy on Bosom Buddies would win an oscar some day? Well, you wait. That Peter Scolari's STILL got time to break out in a BIG way..

March 20, 1999
It was not without great nervousness that I told my future wife about my peculiar sleeping requirement. She laughed, nervously, but soon stopped when she realized that I was not joking. She married me in spite of this "handicap", choosing to love me anyway. Now, five years into our marriage, she too is unable to grasp the Sandman's nocturnal ring without the brash, abrasive voice of Ethel Merman blaring in her ears.

March 21, 1999
For the rest of my life, the number "78" will have a strange, erotic quality for me. You see, in the break room at work is the coffee machine. By simply inserting thirty cents and entering in that seductive number on the keypad, you too can have some "Hot Cocoa: Hot and Whipped"!

March 22, 1999
Can you remember the last time you went sledding? I can. I was there with you, behind the bushes with my binoculars. I was also there with you last night when you were with that creepy guy. He's SO wrong for you.

March 23, 1999
I don't get too many chances to eat out, now that I have kids. However, when I do, I make the most of it. Yesterday, for instance, I packed down seven quarter-pounders, three large orders of fries, and had twelve refils on my DIET Coke. It should last me until the next time.

March 24, 1999
Computers have revolutionized my business. For example, it used to be that if I wanted to buy stamps, I had to get in my car, drive to the post-office and actually purchase the goods. Now, I can sit in front of my PC all day, playing games. I've completely forgotten about all of the bills I need to pay.

March 25, 1999
Most venomous snakes are NOT immune to gunshot wounds.

March 26, 1999
The biggest threat to the 20th Century is the fact that we are only months away from the 21st Century.

March 27, 1999
If you multiply amount of minutes (rounded up) you exercise each day by the number of days you are sick in a year, and then divide that by the square root of the amount of times you've been bowling, you will be left with the number of years you have left to live. However, this equation is based on the normal life-span of a Neanderthal, since they came up with the whole bowling concept.

March 28, 1999
Believe it or Not: Porcupine quills are the secret ingredient in Coca-Cola AND Kentucky Fried Chicken (hey...we have to make this stuff up everyday, sometimes we miss the mark...give us a break).

March 29, 1999
In many parts of the world, egg-salad is used as a caulking compound.

March 30, 1999
Well, now you can e-mail the entire journal staff by sending your e-mail to dailyjournal@mailcity.com. Isn't that great? Oh, and that thing is still going on in Kosovo.

March 31, 1999
Today is the first day that our site sits on its new home at http://members.tripod.com/dailyjournal. Be sure to tell someone. Tell your mom. Even if she doesn't care or has no access to the Internet. Just tell her. And, while you're at it, tell her about that time that you took $20 from her purse to buy booze! Get it all out in the open. That's it.