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December 1, 2000
GIVE ME MY FIGGY PUDDING BEFORE I BLOW MY DAD-BLURNED STACK!!!E-Mail.
December 2, 2000
I'm not sure why everyone around me at work always calls me "The Grinch" this time of year, but it might have something to do with the time that I savagely maimed Santa and three of his reindeer with a wheel of rare Crotin du Chavignol cheese. E-Mail.
December 3, 2000
Speaking of cheese, did you know that there is a cheese made from the milk of a reindeer? It is called Juustoleipa. Now that I think about it, when I was young I think we had some cheese at a family reunion from the milk of my Aunt Mildred. Now that I think about it again, you probably didn't want to know that. E-Mail.
December 4, 2000
Oh, the weather outside is frightful/ But my smelly red and green shoes are so delightful/ And since we've no place to go/ Let us bowl, let us bowl, let us bowl! E-Mail.
December 5, 2000
Does everyone have all of their Christmas/Hanukkah shopping done? Do any of our readers celebrate Hanukkah? Because if not, we can leave the word "Hanukkah" out of all other "Christmas-themed" entries this month, and save a few bites of bandwidth on our site. So please e-mail us and let us know. And if you celebrate any other holidays in December, let us know, but I doubt we'll include it. If my calculations are correct... using the disk space we've been allocated by Tripod, our last entry in The Daily Journal should be in early September of 2023. E-Mail.
December 6, 2000
I have the perfect plan to smuggle stolen goods into the U.S. My only problem is that I can't decide if I should scare off the locals by wearing a vampire costume or a glowing sea monster outfit.E-Mail.
December 7, 2000
Last year I did the usual "milk and cookies" for Santa but he left me a note asking for a change this year. I'm not sure what he wants with a black garter belt and fishnet stockings, but I'm sure not letting the kids stay up for his visit.E-Mail.
December 8, 2000
You really only hear about Elves during December, even though Congress declared August to be National Elf Month.E-Mail.
December 9, 2000
Methinks Santa has a glitch in his database. Either that or he really thinks I like fluffy pink pajamas with footies.E-Mail.
December 10, 2000
As I write this entry, I'm watching the "E! True Hollywood Story" on Evel Knievel. All I can say is, "It's about dang time, E! Thanks for telling like it is."E-Mail.
December 11, 2000
They say that when you get engaged, the man is supposed to spend three month's salary on the engagement ring. But how much are you supposed to spend on salad tongs? Who makes up these rules, anyway?E-Mail.
December 12, 2000
I'm gathering sticks and old shoes for santa. I figure that he likes sticks and old shoes because that's what I usually got for Christmas when I was a boy.E-Mail.
December 13, 2000
During the holidays, we gather around the eggnog tree for catnip and firecracker sandwiches. Then we take our lithium.E-Mail.
December 14, 2000
Here in northern Indiana, the snow is falling in large brown clumps. Or maybe it's just the Amish heaving horse manure at me again.E-Mail.
December 15, 2000
The best thing about driving in freshly fallen snow is when I roll down the window and shout out, "HEE HEE HEE! I'VE GOT A LEMUR IN MY PANTS!"E-Mail.
December 16, 2000
At my house, all snowmen are anatomically correct.E-Mail.
December 17, 2000
White Christmas my sclera! I'm dreaming of a mauve Christmas. White is soooo 1998.E-Mail.
December 18, 2000
In our continuing quest to take over the world, we here at The Daily Journal have decided it would be in our best interests to enter in this year's Iditarod Sled Dog race in Alaska. But rather than using dogs, we'll attach the sled to my Uncle Willy. E-Mail.
December 19, 2000
I've enjoyed doing a lot of my Christmas shopping over the internet this year. You can find some great deals, but you have to watch out for those web sites that charge a lot for shipping. And look out for the sites that require urine and stool samples along with credit card information. E-Mail.
December 20, 2000
According to Nostradaumus, the hot gift item for Christmas 2000 is parachute pants.E-Mail.
December 21, 2000
In celebration of Hanukkah, which begins at sundown, according to my religiously-tolerant desk calendar, we will be singing a song from my childhood: It's called the You-Ain't-Getting-a-Dreidel-This-Year-Unless-You-Put-Your-Pants-Back-On-and-Come-Inside Song. Now that I think about it, I'm not even Jewish. I guess that's why I never got the dreidel that I wanted all those years. E-Mail.
December 22, 2000
I've always done my part to obey the natural laws of gravity, but those days are gone. E-Mail.
December 23, 2000
According to the fashion police in Paris, Santa will be sporting dreadlocks this year.E-Mail.
December 24, 2000
Kids too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve? Try a healthy dose of Nyquil or a horse tranquilizer.E-Mail.
December 25, 2000
My five year old lost his first tooth last night and so had a visit from both the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. Yeah, there was a bit of tension in the room when they both arrived at the same time, but I guess that's to be expected when old lovers meet. E-Mail.
December 26, 2000
It is now January 2, 2001 and a few days of the old millenium have yet to be completed. The question remains, do I bother to even fill these in? It's unlikely that anyone will go back and read them so why waste the time? But then I remember that it's thinking like that which created such shows as "She's the Sheriff"and so I persist. E-Mail.
December 27, 2000 E-Mail.
From the tortured mind of Carolyn Noyes: I got this great new book for Christmas, its called 'Autobiography of an Amnesiac' and it starts out like this:
December 28, 2000
The only thing I like more than grape nuts is saying the name "grape nuts". Badda bing!E-Mail.
December 29, 2000
I'm wearing your pants.E-Mail.
December 30, 2000
I love the cheeses. They melt nicely in my pants. Gouda is the bomb.E-Mail.
December 31, 2000
It's the end of the month as we know it.E-Mail.