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November 1, 2000
They don't call me "spatula boy" for nothing. Well, wait a minute. I have no idea why they call me spatula boy. Why? Where is the dignity!?!E-Mail.
November 2, 2000
I finally cleaned out an old box that I use to empty out my pockets. One of the things I found was a piece of paper with the following written on it: "mustard, underwear, creamed corn". I cannot figure out if this is some sort of grocery list or, perhaps, instructions on how to actually make creamed corn. Go figure.E-Mail.
November 3, 2000
My wife and I have decided to take a stand against the ways of this modern world. We scrapped today's economic system for one based on traditional barter principles. I must admit that we faced a dillema last night when we wanted to see a movie. I tried to give the box office attendant two small chickens to get into the movie and she refused. However, she changed her mind when I tipped her fifty bucks. Wahoo! This bartering system is going to work. E-Mail.
November 4, 2000
Our national election is looming nearer and nearer these days. I'm pretty excited about the whole process, actually. It's not every day that I get to listen to my local representative discuss the pros and cons of beef by-products in a debate televised on public-access TV. E-Mail.
November 5, 2000
I'm trying to figure out why no one has thought of trying to sell edible neckties. Especially this time of year, turkey-flavored bowties could be a big seller. Or beef jerky flavored! Oooh, the possibilities are endless. E-Mail.
November 6, 2000
Ah, it is getting darker earlier, and the days seem to be getting a lot shorter. Actually, my pet hamster seems to be getting a lot shorter too, which is really frightening, since when I was six years old, my first pet gerbil died from a severe shortness disorder. And I'm pretty sure that all this may explain my great love for Cookie Crisp. E-Mail.
November 7, 2000
It's Election Day! I sit here at work in the early evening wondering who will win our national presidential election. I was really torn between voting for Bush and making myself a hard salami sandwich, but after careful thought and consideration, I decided to write-in a number of assorted cheeses on my ballot. E-Mail.
November 8, 2000
Ah, the day after election day! It sure is nice to see the American democratic process at work! Editors Note: The Lawyers for Al Gore have filed a lawsuit against The Dialy Journal for implying that the democractic process is better than the judicial process which is apparently is the standard for the United States.E-Mail.
November 9, 2000
Florida: Vote like your left turn signal is eternally blinking! Ed: Our thanks to Carolyn Noyes for bringing this quote to our attention. And even though she stole it from Comedy Central's Daily Show, we are post-dating our entry so that it looks like we came up with it first. So all you lawyers out there can just ling my bur!E-Mail.
November 10, 2000
Have you ever noticed that after you eat a big bowl of cottage cheese that your children begin to look like leprechans? Me neither.E-Mail.
November 11, 2000
In an attempt to be more politically correct this year, my family has decided to eat a turkey-shaped mound of tofu. Oh, we still bought a frozen ball of dead bird, but we doused this with paint thinner, ignited it, and heaved it out the window of a moving car at the first Democrat we could find... after all, this IS Indiana.E-Mail.
November 12, 2000
Wow, are we a couple weeks behind on our entries, or what? And you know what... the farther behind on entries we get, the worse the entries become when we try to write them all quickly. You know what this all means? That this may just be the worst entry in the history of The Daily Journal. But you know what might just save the day? One word: meatloaf. E-Mail.
November 13, 2000
I really think the Charlie Brown Christmas Special would be a lot more interesting if it were dubbed into Turkish. Oh, and if all the characters didn't wear any pants. E-Mail.
November 14, 2000
Looking back at this date (since this is being written on November 28), I see I was up in Indianapolis for the Indiana Technology Showcase. It was all pretty exciting, if I remember correctly. I had no idea how many different ways you could show off a garden tractor. E-Mail.
November 15, 2000
Once again my wife's entire extended family will be converging on my house for Thanksgiving. We've been trying to get the house ready by painting, cleaning and finishing those many unfinished home repair projects. Memo to self: restock snake pit, build up tolerance to arsenic, buy paper plates E-Mail.
November 16, 2000
Winter is on its way. Here in the midwest, we get lots of snow. Actually, that isn't really true. When I was young, we had big blizzards all the time, and we built snow forts, and jumped off our roof into the huge piles of snow in our yard. But just last year, we got no more than a few inches of snow all year. Where is all this going? I'm not sure, but I could really go for some beef jerky right now. E-Mail.
November 17, 2000
If you are anything like me, you pay exorbitant amounts of money for insurance that you don't really need-- car insurance for two cars that have never been in an accident, health insurance when I never go to the doctor, life insurance when I don't plan on dying anytime soon. But you know what they really need? Insurance for my imaginary friend Phil. If you know where I might be able to get a policy, please let me know. He's pretty healthy, but I worry about him sometimes. E-Mail.
November 18, 2000
Water Buffaloes are really a metaphor for my career. Or is it a simile? I don't know, I always get those confused. E-Mail.
November 19, 2000
I wonder what Britney Spears is doing for Thanksgiving this year? Because if she doesn't have anything to do I might invite her over. I bet she could eat a lot of turkey. And I bet if I dropped some stuffing on the floor, like I do every year, I could say, "Oops! I did it again." I bet she would laugh. E-Mail.
November 20, 2000
I'm currently trying to set a record for most entries written in the shortest period of time. So this entry will just be three, short sentences. The last sentence will consist of Chinese military secrets, who shot JFK, and where Jimmy Hoffa is buried...oops. E-Mail.
November 21, 2000
My wife and I are currently looking for a house. I've lived in 5 apartments in the past 4 or 5 years, and I'm rather tired of it. So a nice, little, inexpensive house is just what we need. Preferably one made of gingerbread. Ooh, wait, no... one made of licorice. No, no, no... to tell you the truth, just give me one made of grits. E-Mail.
November 22, 2000
I was up in Chicago for a weekend earlier this month. It's a pretty nice place to live. Parking seems to be something of a problem. And traffic is rather congested on the way in. But what really got to me was the complete lack of farm animals downtown. E-Mail.
November 23, 2000
It is Thanksgiving! Time to give thanks for the many blessing we have. A time to eat a lot, sit around, and watch football. Time to bump into Aunt Martha at the dessert table and have her launch into a tirade about why kids these days just don't respect anything, and how when she was my age she had 12 kids and 8 jobs, and how her hip hurts, and how she just can't stand it anymore. So I bumped her again and knocked her over the pecan pie into a vat of Cool Whip. That was good for a laugh. E-Mail.
November 24, 2000
Everyone but me gets the day after Thanksgiving off work. Not me. I'm stuck here at work, slaving away. Keeping The Man off my back. Keeping The Man happy. Working for The Man. Who does this guy think he is? And how can I get his job? E-Mail.
November 25, 2000
In the time it takes you to read this entry, a group of adolescent boys have decided that 'The Pregnant Chads' would be a bitchin' name for their band.E-Mail.
November 26, 2000
The best thing about having a cold that fills every nook and crany of your skull with thick mucas is that you can legitimately used the phrase 'nook and crany'.E-Mail.
November 27, 2000
An entry from The Daily Journal Big Handbook O' Ideas: When in doubt on how to finish an entry, simply name any kind of meat, cheese, or bean, preferably in a non-sequitur.E-Mail.
November 28, 2000
An entry from The Daily Journal Big Handbook O' Ideas: When trying to come up with an idea for an entry, rummage through the items in your pants pocked for inspiration. Better yet, rummage through to pockets of a co-worker and write about how quickly you get escorted from the building.E-Mail.
November 29, 2000
An entry from The Daily Journal Big Handbook O' Ideas: Literary allusions are allowed but only if they have been referenced in a cartoon or comic book.E-Mail.
November 30, 2000
An entry from The Daily Journal Big Handbook O' Ideas: Haiku is the boss. Use it to get great ideas. Never kiss your boss.E-Mail.