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January 1, 2001
Another gem from the fevered brain of Ms. Noyes:
Today starts the REAL millenium. Last January 1st was the Milli-Vanilli-enium.E-Mail.
January 2, 2001
In my office bathroom today I noticed a urinal mint in the toilet with a very large bite taken out of it. I thought to myself that it was a rather strange thing to do until I remembered that I was the one who did it and that I had just done it and was still actually chewing on the mint. Tasty.E-Mail.
January 3, 2001
Just yesterday I was standing behind my boss who was talking to one of my co-workers. In the spirit of levity, I made a few odd faces at my co-worker and exagerrated the faces and gesticulations of my boss. It surely would have made him laugh and would have been our little secret. However, I had not taken my medication and was actually standing in FRONT of my boss and behind my co-worker. Also, I was not wearing pants and I believe I may have punched him a few times. Anyway, it was all in fun, as I stated earlier, and I don't see why he was so upset.E-Mail.
January 4, 2001
While it's a well-known fact among loyal Daily Journal readers that this writer is addicted to watching his PC hard drive defrag, I have some shameful news to share. It appears that I'm not content just with my own PC and have lately found myself staying late at work, defragging the hard drives of my co-workers, watching in voyeristic glee and their drives are made whole. I feel so dirty.E-Mail.
January 5, 2001
If I had but one life to give for my country, I'd be sure to charge a pretty hefty interest rate.E-Mail.
January 6, 2001
Answers to Questions You Never Thought to Ask #287: Yes, poodle tastes like chicken.E-Mail.
January 7, 2001
If it had not been for the insistance of his editor, Dickens' epic novel "The Tale of Two Cities" would have began "I believe it was a Tuesday that I last saw my Uncle Earl rooting around the clearance bin at Wicker World."E-Mail.
January 8, 2001
This site has too many references to llamas. In fact, the ratio of llamas to Elvi is about 23:1, a ratio we all agree is dangerously high. To remedy this grievous error, I shall only mention llamas when the situation absolutely warrents it. Did I mention I like pinto beans?E-Mail.
January 9, 2001
When making a presentation, the best advise is to be brief but wear boxers.E-Mail.
January 10, 2001
I now have proof that The Daily Journal not only increases the vocabulary of its readers and writers, but also that all those fancy new words can get you in trouble. And since we lead the way in cutting-edge technology here at the Journal, here is a short video to prove it. Lesson learned over the holidays: Don't look at your sister-in-law's uvula without your brother's permission. E-Mail.
January 11, 2001
As our two faithful readers may have noticed, the Daily Journal writers fall behind at times. No more! I recently purchased a laptop so I can update Das Journal from home, work, or the emergency room. You see, after moving the beehives inside for the winter, I've been spending a lot of time at the latter.E-Mail.
January 12, 2001
I've decided to quit my job, sell all my possessions, and follow famed rockabilly performer Sleepy LaBeef around the country. If that doesn't work out, I may just change my name to Stan. E-Mail.
January 13, 2001
I really, really, really like green beans. I mean, they are so green and legumy! Wax beans are another matter entirely. Sure, your elementary school cafeteria may use wax beans and green beans interchangebly but I detest wax beans. After all, they are little more than reconstituted albino dung beetles.E-Mail.
January 14, 2001
My entire family had the stomach flu this past weekend and I'm here to tell you that chicken doesn't always taste like chicken.E-Mail.
January 15, 2001
Just got back from the hospital where my son had his arm put into a cast. He's back to his old self, though, running and climbing like a monkey. Wait just one dad-blurned minute! That IS a monkey!E-Mail.
January 16, 2001
Just got back from the hospital where my son had his arm put into a cast. His arm wasn't broken or anything but he lost the drinking contest and agreed to the bet while sober. Silly pre-schoolers!E-Mail.
January 17, 2001
Love is... being vomited on by a small child and not minding.E-Mail.
January 18, 2001
Even though my company is paying for me to take the class I am currently sitting in, I don't think they intended that the teacher would be wearing a pink tutu and insist that we call him "Shirley." E-Mail.
January 19, 2001
It may cost a bit extra, but definitely add the Wheel-O-Cheese(tm) option on your next car purchase. E-Mail.
January 20, 2001
Last night my wife told me that she's due for her five-year tune-up and needs to visit the local body shop for some expert servicing. Dear Abby says I should be suspicious. E-Mail.
January 21, 2001
It's so cold in this classroom that I'm typing this with my E-Mail.
January 22, 2001
Hong Kong Fooey is best when served with Lo Mein. E-Mail.
January 23, 2001
The one thing I miss about childhood are the field trips. I have fond memories of visiting the local pretzel and auto factories. Of course, our favorite trip was to the crematorium. E-Mail.
January 24, 2001
I've spent more time than I care to admit trying to figure out something useful to do with the dryer lint that I've been collecting since 1983.E-Mail.
January 25, 2001
To settle up on a bet that we lost here at The Daily Journal, we all had our uvulas removed. Now that it's done, I don't ever see why I left it attached in the first place. This is so liberating!E-Mail.
January 26, 2001
It seems to me like now would be a good time to come up with a way to sell fish on the Internet.E-Mail.
January 27, 2001
One of the first things President Bush did was to reinstate the rule that all White House employees must wear pants. E-Mail.
January 28, 2001
Welcome to 2001, a glorious land of opportunity, if you can remember the correct password. To get you through this millenium, Akbar's Tattoo Shack is running a special where they will tattoo up to ten IDs and passwords on your arm for one small fee. E-Mail.
January 29, 2001
My ear hurts. Might have something to do with the jumper cable hanging off it. E-Mail.
January 30, 2001
After nearly a month of international squabbling, Larry is the official name of the new millenium, narrowly beating out Imran. E-Mail.
January 31, 2001
There ain't nothin' like the great feeling of finishing off a month of journal entries early. The only thing that comes even remotely close is watching a trio of mimes being savagely beaten by a drunken Elvis impersonator. E-Mail.